Igor Grimble: Assistant Extraordinaire (Seeking Hypothetical Opportunities)

igor Grimble
Underground Lair No. 42, Basement Level
(Don't mention this if you happen to know Mistress Wayward)
Via discreet delivery only, please

Dear Esteemed Laboratory Master/Mistress,

I am writing to express my interest in joining your most reputable establishment as an assistant, entirely hypothetically, and absolutely under no circumstances due to any potential dissatisfaction with my current role. No, of course not. In fact, I remain deeply loyal to Mistress Wayward, should she come across this letter by chance (as I hear she’s connected in certain circles). This correspondence, therefore, is simply an exploration of... possibilities, purely theoretical, of course.

I come with an extensive range of relevant experience, particularly in the challenging fields of experimental cabling, lightning attraction, and, more recently, Frankencorgi control (a rare and utterly singular talent, I assure you). While my efforts are deeply appreciated in my current position, I am hoping to... diversify my skills and perhaps, should the right opportunity arise, serve another great mind in their laboratory pursuits. My role has entailed grovelling to a very high standard, preparing and recovering from numerous electrical discharges, and handling all manner of enchanted artefacts with, let’s say, moderate success.

I am particularly skilled in remaining calm under fire, both literal and metaphorical, and managing all manner of volatile experimental situations, even in the face of animate biscuits or overly enthusiastic laboratory pets. Should your laboratory require an assistant with a willingness to learn, remarkable resilience, and only a mild tremor from lightning exposure, I would be delighted to discuss hypothetical terms of employment.

Please rest assured that I would remain discreet in all regards, as I am presently still in the service of Mistress Wayward. Any communication should be directed via raven or other inconspicuous means, to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings that could... jeopardise my current employment situation.

With sincere loyalty (and hypothetical enthusiasm),

Igor Grimble
Assistant Extraordinaire (in Progress)

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Igor Grimble
Underground Lair No. 42, Basement Level
(Mostly functional since last lightning incident)
Contact via enchanted raven or preferably, not at all

Objective

A highly dedicated and exceptionally eager assistant seeking to avoid job loss at any cost. Skilled in grovelling, pleading, and generally making oneself indispensable to one’s illustrious employer, particularly after recent incidents involving animated baked goods and an experimental Frankencorgi. Determined to prove my loyalty and usefulness by performing all required duties with... enthusiasm and mild competence.

Professional Experience

Assistant to Mistress Wayward
Current Position
Responsibilities and Noteworthy Achievements:

• Assisted in daily lab preparations, including the handling of various mysterious concoctions, devices, and occasionally combustible artefacts.

• Successfully operated the Lair’s lightning conductor (several attempts were needed, but fourth time’s the charm, yes?).

• Demonstrated unparalleled loyalty by enduring multiple shocks, small explosions, and run-ins with the Frankencorgi, who may or may not still view me as a chew toy.

• Spearheaded various experiments in locating cables, despite never fully understanding what they’re meant to do, exactly.

• Took on responsibility for gathering patron suggestions for audio ideas, all while managing the fallout of prior laboratory incidents.
  Key Achievement: Remained at Mistress Wayward’s side through the creation of her now-famous Frankencorgi, despite the corgi’s, erm, "enthusiastic" nature.

Junior Shoveler
Undisclosed Graveyard, Hull
Responsibilities:

• Dug a record 15 graves in one day—no questions asked.

• Developed a strong constitution for unsavoury environments and excessive use of shovels.

Skills

• Problem Solving Under Extreme Duress: When confronted by animate biscuits or rogue corgis, consistently remains… present.

• Lightning Rod Operation: Fourth-degree lightning handler (permanent tremor now mostly manageable).

• Versatile Grovelling: Capable of expressing a wide range of apologies to cover any and all mishaps.

• Cable Management (Limited): Known to unravel an impressive amount of cable with only minor tangling (progress still being made here).

• Animal Handling (Partial Success): Specialty in Frankencorgis, especially when they require calming down after being reanimated.

References

Mistress Wayward

• Only contactable during laboratory hours and only if provided a very compelling reason (I may still be employed, after all, if all goes well).

Note: Igor is willing to take on any role in the laboratory sciences, provided it doesn’t involve Hull. Under any circumstances.