Doing this comic is affecting my home life
Added 2018-12-20 16:35:02 +0000 UTCDigging up my buried memories of Elan, for this comic, is having unfortunate consequences in the real world...
Making this comic has provided me with a great sense of relief. I noticed that whenever I would finish a chapter and press 'publish', I would get this sort of relaxed "sigh" in my brain, as if I was releasing some weight which had been on my shoulders for years.
But I am starting to realize that there is an opposite edge to that sword. I had gone almost two decades processing my experience in Elan and as much as I don't want to admit it, a lot of that "processing" was learning to lie to myself and to grant forgiveness for things that should never be forgiven.
Producing this comic, as obvious as it may sound, is like being in Elan all over again. In my attempt to produce visuals, dialogue, and feelings as accurately as possible, I am finding myself going deeper and deeper into those repressed memories.
I completely blew up at my wife a couple days ago and violently threw a water bottle at the floor and start yelling like a crazy person (a level of anger that I haven't witnessed since Elan). I apologized and we talked through it and she forgave me, but it soon became very obvious to me that I was dealing with some leftover Elan baggage that I had stuffed far away. It is almost like, in pulling out what I need to make the comic, other Elan debris is using that opportunity to also come out. It is kind of scary.
I am not going to stop making this comic because this story needs to be told, but this is a very disturbing thing.
