Monster Essays: Goblins

Finished up another of these quickies since work was busy today. Answering all those little questions you had about goblins but were too horny to ask. Gotta figure what to do for the next, but should probably get some real stories in here too.

Dylan Eywind

History of Interspecies Relations II

Going Green; Goblins and the Awakening

**C-. Most of your data is accurate but your sources and tone need a lot of work.**

Everyone knows a goblin, if not slept with one. They’re social and adaptable creatures, famous for eating garbage and flirting with anything bigger than them. Goblins are the first known race of shortstacks, with their females standing about three feet tall and with boobs even bigger than most humans. Their exaggerated curves and flirty nature make them popular with humans, but where did they come from? In this essay, I’ll be reviewing their history with humanity.

Goblins maintain only oral history, not learning to write until very recently. Their small size and skittish nature made them sneak around in humanity’s wake, picking off our scraps of living deep in the woods. Contact between our species were scarce over history and rarely went well. Some records in Nordic history show encounters with goblins inhabiting Iceland when they arrived, where they were quickly exterminated and lost to folklore.

During the Awakening and the Interdimensional Immigration, humans suddenly reached out to humanity. Goblins were much more tactless and simple in their approach to humans, appearing in small groups from forests and caves and swamps speaking in broken English. Goblins apparently have their own incomplete language, but most of it was butchered or stolen from English over time. Goblins had watched and mimicked humans over time, and they clumsily but bluntly started to assimilate with the rest of the world.

Humans were just finishing dealing with demons, so goblins seemed happy to jump on the bandwagon. If humans would accept creatures from Hell itself, they wouldn’t mind some horny creatures willing to eat their garbage. Since humans were already aware of magic and monsters, they came as slightly less of a shock than demons and were dealt with more quickly.

Demons, in fact, were very sympathetic. They used their magic and resources to help make room for goblins. While the simpleminded creatures were capable of living on their own, humans quickly found out that they were incredibly underdeveloped as a culture. Their social structure was aggressive and blunt, cooperating as much as they needed to in order to survive. To better monitor and house the creatures, they could not be left to their own devices. Humans and demons built additions to existing cities, expanding them to create what were known as “goblin ghettos.” 

Goblins were unlike demons in that they had broken English and almost completely illiterate. Most modern goblin lingo comes from the remnants of their language or simply translation errors while goblins were still perfecting their English.  but their simple nature came with a rapid ability to learn. Within years, goblins were using cell phones and computers.

Their eating habits were a thing of note to humans. Goblins were scavengers with a near immunity to disease. This comes from two main sources; one is the oil they give off on their skin, giving them a frog-like texture. The second is a powerful digestive and immune system. Much like their skin and bones, goblin organs are incredibly flexible. Though smaller than humans, their bodies are built to take countless more bumps and bruises with little to no harm. Their elastic body absorbs shock much better, probably leading to goblins being very physical in their interactions. Their digestive acids are complex and powerful, able to break down substances including Styrofoam, plastic, rotten meat, and cleaning chemicals and still retain some nutritional value. Their rapidly working bodies even have some level of healing factor, regenerating from small cuts and bruises within minutes. Medical testing has shown that a goblin can even regenerate their whole arm, but this takes time and a lot of biological energy.

While goblins have adapted to happily eat human cuisine, with their own simple, strong-tasting food has established a niche market in the food business (though not always edible or drinkable by humans). They have also proven to have surprising roles in sanitation. Not only are they resistant to infection and disease, but some companies will hire goblins as cleaners; rather than polluting the environment, goblins can be paid a small fee to eat some of what they were throwing away instead.

The fact that goblins have so few simple needs and so many resistances seems to leave them in relatively low social status. Programs have only started in the last few decades to encourage goblins to pursue further education and professional careers. Medications and outreach programs to increase their self esteem have been introduced to help them maintain control of their raging hormones, but some choose to remain in their simple-living horny lives.

A common conception of goblins are as sexy shortstacks. There was no preparing for the chemical reactions between humans and goblins. Goblins have a strong sense of smell and hearing, and the fact that they are waist-high to a human and fond of the smell of their sweat made the rapidly-breeding “vermin” (self-proclaimed! Not my words!) wildly horny for humans. Studies actually show that goblins have incredible compatibility with humans in a strictly sexual sense. A number of reasons contribute to this:

-Human genitalia is relatively huge among the other races. Goblins alone are less than half the size of a normal human, and even larger races like ogres and cyclops are now as well-endowed as humans.

-curves. Goblins are nearly as busty and curvy as humans, but their small size exaggerates is appearance. Need I say more?

-The goblin clitoris is buried deep inside their body, presumably for purposes of their limited clothing and outdoor lifestyle. The average goblin male literally cannot reach the clit on a goblin woman while humans can easily.

-Human and goblin scents are mild aphrodisiacs to the other species. The smell and especially the taste of goblin “sludge” is bitter but has an aftereffect of arousing us.

-Social stigma. The fetishization of other cultures or slutty girls was cranked up to the max with goblins. Goblins thrived by being lower class, definitively trashy and becoming a fetishy taboo as the lowest, dirtiest kind of girl you can go after.

-Elasticity. Goblin vaginas are tight, well lubricated, and can mildly stretch like the rest of their bodies. Some studies show that a long enough human penetrating a goblin could reach into their chest; their small organs and other internal pieces shift and stretch to make room for the intrusion without properly harming the goblin, though it is a disorienting experience and the human may perceive this as an extremely deep pussy.

-Birthrate. Goblins famously breed rapidly on their own, but humans have a much lower likelihood to breed with them. Goblins are some of the only species who can interbreed with humans, but the odds of a human getting a goblin girl pregnant with full insertion is estimated at 10%. Drugs have been introduced to raise or lower that rate anywhere from 80 to .01%, depending on what the female is looking for. Some have celebrated the feeling of being pregnant while others are happy to engage in loose, sloppy sex.

On the subject of birth, goblins were first given the stereotype of vermin. Between sneaking in the shadows for most of their existence, feeding off and stealing trash, and breeding rapidly, they had a negative reputation. In fact, goblins are primarily female at a rate of roughly one in thirteen male to female. This is likely to maximize the rate of childbirth, since goblins were relatively weak but very capable of surviving nature. Males were treasured as a result, and ancient goblin culture was extremely patriarchal. The general consensus was that the outnumbering female population led to their emerging from the shadows (or “coming out from under the bed”), liberating themselves from this life of hiding and oppression. Goblins certainly celebrate their freedom by wearing skimpy clothes, bright colors, flashy jewelry and speaking in loud voices to draw attention to themselves.

For all their fertility, goblins seem to have become comfortable in their new lifestyle. While showing a large percentage of the population in America, the growth rate of their numbers has dropped to less than half of what it was 50 years ago. Some goblins maintain the urge to become fertile and raise big families, but more are settling down with other species or at least postponing their need to breed. That said, human and goblin couples are at an all time high. The biological attraction remains, and they may never stop being sexy.