Your Favorite Healslut 6: Randomizer

This one was a bit more of an experiment than the other stories. Kind of fooling around with their role security but mostly giving Patcher a moment to shine as a powerhouse and how she'd feel about it. Some flirty lewd stuff in there, but thinking more intense stuff in the hinted sequel to come. I do think I'll pull the reigns a little on this project for some more variety. I just didn't bother putting the Healslut stories on the poll because I knew I'd write it anyway...

"Okay, so one more time," Ghost Shot insisted, pointing at Patcher as their carrier plane flew over the map.

"Okay."

"This is a Randomizer Map."

"Got it," Patcher confirmed.

"And that means random Specials."

"Uh huh."

"Now this one's still in beta, so the programmers are letting us test this one ourselves. No players, so you just do what makes sense to you. You got all that, mi vida?"

"Yep."

"So that means no healing."

"Right! Wait, why not?!"

Ghost sighed and rubbed her face. "You'll see. We're dropping, boys! Gear up!" Their group rallied as Ghost threw open the door and the team variously parachuted, slammed or floated to the ground. They were being stationed in Forbidden Temple somewhere in Egypt, easily spotted by its torch-lit indoor halls just beyond their spawn point. She checked the roster quickly: Her and Patcher, Bork the gun dog, Pocket Rocket as their alien artillery, Skullfucker the Russian zombie trooper, and Gladiator as their towering Irish supersoldier of a Tank. A decent setup on paper...

"Okay, load up your HUDs. What are we looking at?" Ghost ordered. The team stared off into the distance as they went through their loadouts; each of their health and hitboxes would be normal, but every usable special skill would be switched out with someone else. Pocket Rocket rolled her eyes as the shortstack suddenly drew a short sword from somewhere inside her lab coat.

"Ugh. I got the new guy's sword for my main. I guess I'm gonna be stabbing strangers in the dick for this one," the alien griped.

Ghost reached behind her and pulled out a shotgun instead of her usual sniper rifle, cringing at the new choice. She'd have to change up her style pretty severely to make that work. Gladiator reached into his side holster and pulled out an entire anti-tank rifle. "Well at least they still gave me somethin' nice and powerful. Who's got a buff ready?"

"I gotcha, Nerf!" Patcher ran up to him and started tugging on his waist like she was going to take the belt off of his power armor.

"Patch, I told you. You won't have-" Everyone stared as the blonde suddenly lifted the man who was almost twice her size and least that much heavier clear over her head. Gladiator let out a panicked shout as his armored limbs flailed around and Patcher stared up at him blankly. "Your... usual moves," Ghost finished.

"Ohhh right. Hey, so that means..." Patcher gave a small grunt as she chucked Gladiator into a nearby wall. He grunted and crashed against the stone wall, starting to drag himself up to all fours. "I got Nerfinator's Hammer Throw ability! Guys, I'm useful!" Patcher squealed, jumping up and down in place as she jiggled around.

"Holy shit! Never thought I'd see the day!" Pocket Rocket cackled madly. "Me! Throw me next!"

Ghost shrugged as she took a few test shots with her gun. "I mean... if we think about it.,, Patch had zero combat abilities before. If she gets entirely different weapons and specials, she's guaranteed to be a fighter, right?"

"You have no gun?" Skullfucker asked as she studied her own laser pistol that replaced her assault rifle.

"Huh. I guess not." Patcher concentrated on her hands, but nothing came to her. "Maybe they don't replace that since I never had one."

"You still have melee?"

"I mean, yea. Doesn't everyone?" Patcher threw a casual punch behind her, accidentally hitting a thick stone pillar. Her dainty and gentle little hand smashed a hole out the size of a bowling ball. She gawked at the hole while Ghost just snickered. She approached behind the blonde and rapped a knuckle curiously on her still-clenched fist. It gave a metallic clang.

"Sweetie, you don't have a gun because they gave you Big Bolt's fists. You're like a sexy monster."

"OMG this is craaaaazy," Patcher whispered, looking at her hands. "I can throw and punch people? Like, punch 'em good? What do I even do with this?"

"You kill," Skullfucker explained as she checked the battery on he laser. "So let us go."

"Anyone got a wee bit o' healin' for an ailin' soldier?" Gladiator groaned as he rose to his knees. Bork barked and ran a small circle around him, a bazooka somehow clutched between his teeth in a way he was never meant to. "Nobody? Seriously?" Glad paused as he stared in the distance and sighed. "Ach, alright. I got the lass' ability. So who needs a buff then?"

"IIIIII think I'll pass," Ghost admitted, starting to walk into the temple grounds proper.

"I'm takin' off me helmet!"

"Nope. Sorry. Already gone!" The sniper turned shotgunner hurried off faster as Skull and Patcher followed her lead. Bork gave a final bark before bounding after them. Pocket Rocket climbed onto the towering Irishman's armored knee.

"I could go for a buff," she said in as sultry a tone her high-pitched voice could get. She batted her eyes at the oversized human as she wiggled out of her shorts. "So start suckin', big guy," she ordered before tossing her sword aside and jumping onto his exposed face. She started to grind and hump on his face with a wild grin on hers, smearing her greenish slime across his bearded mouth. "Lordy I've been waiting to do this to you, Nerfy!"

The main force of their Blue Team entered the temple. It was full of the halls on the dark side of things with lots of turns and open rooms lined with pillars. Not much for actual cover but easy to outmaneuver people. Ghost took up a spot just before one of the open areas and threw down one of Roadblock's barriers, dropping a device that rapidly expanded and clanked into some waist-high cover. "Alright, we'll need to Snatch the Point. More kills the better, but ideally we're fortifying closer and closer into their base. What we got for pushing?"

"Explosive rounds," Skull reported, holding up her small laser pistol. "Somehow..."

Bork barked and his robotic leg sprouted a rocket booster, just for him to yelp as he started floating an inch or so off the ground.

"Whoa! Easy, pupper!" Patcher urged. "That's my rocket heels. You can't really stop moving while they're on, but you can switch them on and off. Good for getting around."

"So what else do you got, Patch?" Ghost pried.

"I don't really know," Patcher admitted, staring at her display again. "I'm not sure what this icon.... woops!" Patcher vanished from sight as Ghost laughed.

"Bitchbot's cloak! You're a fuckin assassin tank right now, chica."

"Wait, you seriously can't see me? What am I doing right now?" Patcher waved her hands around wildly, unseen by everyone.

"I... don't know. It doesn't break until it wears off or you hit somebody."

"How about now?" She turned around and shook her butt at them, giving it a saucy smack.

"I think you spanked yourself. Just cuz that's what you would do and I know the sound that ass makes."

"So what about now?"

"I still can't-" Ghost stopped as something warm hit her face. She reached up to touch it and pulled off something silky, rubbing the fine fabric between her fingers and recognizing the smell of Patcher's crotch. "You're... uh... taking off your panties. You fuckin' Healslut..."

"Who cares? I'm invisible!" Patcher laughed. The cloak suddenly faded away as she giggled, reappearing in front of everyone. Her short skirt wasn't quite enough to cover her completely, showing everyone the bottom half of her pussy hanging out as well as her ass. Everyone stared at her while Bork started to sniff at her crotch, making Patcher jolt upright. "Oh... oh okay. I'll take those back now..."

Ghost gave a mocking little sniff before throwing them back, letting Patcher retreat and pull her undies back on. By the time she came back, Gladiator and a very smug-looking Pockets caught up and a sudden metal spike went through Ghost's head. With a bloodless splat, Ghost crumbled to the ground as their enemies opened fire from the other side of the field.

"Oh no! I got it!" Patcher called as she ran towards the body and the cover she was using.

"Patch, can you even do that?" Pocket Rocket asked. Patcher answered her question as she stood over Ghost Shot and started to sniff at the air. Her eyes went wide as she picked up on a lot of things. The smells of engine oil, Dorito cheese, zombie rot, hair dye dog shampoo... things she had no right knowing how they smelled.

"I... I can smell EVERYthing," Patcher mused, looking around at the vague auras she could smell so clearly she could almost make out their auras. "There... and over there and there. Two big guys and one little one there. Bunch are trying to cluster up near the point. Ooh, and Glad, you have brownies for dessert today!" She smiled off at the super soldier, but Bork propped his forelegs on the barrier and started biting on his bazooka, launching rockets across the battlefield as their enemies quickly scattered from the explosions.

"Good eye, lass. Or a nose, I guess," he corrected, leaping over the barrier and firing the oversized rifle that looked rather at home in his hands. Pocket Rocket jumped after him, throwing a forcefield around him before slipping off down a side hall with her Japanese blade drawn.

"So what do I do?" Patcher yelped from behind the barrier.

"You go," Skull ordered as she stooped down and popped out a clip of explosive rounds. She stuffed it into her laser gun that somehow fit together and popped a few shots on the other team's fleeing Big Bolt. "I vill send her after you."

"Okay! Thanks, Skull. I'd kiss you but I think that would throw you across the room or something."

"Is fine. Move." The grim zombie fired some laser beams off as Patcher triggered her cloak, rushing across the battlefield. She ducked around the sides until she reached the one of the dusty halls. She trotted along, keeping her mouth shut so the only noise was the clacking of her heels. A sudden rattling of machine gun fire sounded as Patcher jolted, her cloak vanishing as a few of the shots buried and vanished into her chest.

"G'day, tart!" Roadblocker chimed cheerily. The scruffy Australian was in his new skin that had him lounging in casual jeans and shirt while riding looked like a beach chair with several hover jets on the bottom, preventing him from walking at all. He had a large mechanical-looking backpack with a pair of turrets mounted on the shoulders. "Fancy kit ye got there."

"Oh thanks, hon!" Patcher said brightly. "Also, WOOP!" Patcher threw her hands up in a panic as she ran behind a pillar, letting his turrets fire away on it instead of her. She caught her breath and soon sighed in relief as she felt her built-in forcefield refill after a couple seconds. She'd even managed to keep that, at least. Patcher heard a faint clicking as she looked over and saw one of Anarchy's glue bombs fall from around the corner, bursting in a mess of thick white paste around her feet.

"Oh crap! I get enough sticky white messes already!" Patcher whined as she tried to pull her feet free. She grabbed the pillar itself to try and pull herself free, but she was stuck for good it seemed. She heard the faint hum of Roadblocker's chair approaching, realizing she didn't have any ranged abilities to stop him from a distance. Then again... she sniffed the air quickly, getting the scent of engine grease and beer once again. She patted the pillar a few times until she found a good trip, and once she got a lock on his location she tore the pillar up by the roots. With a twenty-foot tall stone club in her hands, Roadblocker stared for a moment before she wound up like an enormous bat.

"Uh... g'day or some junk!" she cried before smacking him with the giant weapon. He grunted as he went flying head over heels, crashing through a wall and tumbling down a pit in the next room over. "That could have been a better line. I'm too new to all this," Patcher groaned as she bit her lip, the pillar snapped into pieces in her hands. She tossed the pillar piece aside with a booming thud. Her nose picked up on a few more troops approaching all the noise, so she pushed herself flat against the wall and turned on her cloak again. She wasn't exactly flat: her bubble butt kept her from being perfectly against it. It would have to do, because an enemy Ghost Shot and Dr Dragon darted in from around the corner. They were obviously under the same effects as the rest of the team: Ghost was wielding a nail gun while the doctor had none of her cloned dragons nearby.

“What in the hell got him?” Ghost asked, studying Roadblocker’s body.

“Any number of things. The man’s a lazy idiotic genius. He might have blown himself up for fun,” the doctor replied. Patcher bit back a snicker at that. The Chinese scientist glanced up, calmly pulling an entire chainsaw out from her lab coat but looking away again. “Just get him back on his feet.”

“Ugh… if I have to.” Ghost rolled her eyes. “Just go chase them down before they do anything worse.” Dragon shrugged and walked off, revving her chainsaw with a bored look on her face. Ghost Shot sighed as she nudged Roadblocker’s corpse. “Alright… so how does Patcher usually do this?”

The hidden blonde’s eyes went wide as she saw Ghost squat over his body, awkwardly pushing the dense pads of her body armor out of the way. Patcher bit her lip as she watched her enemy/girlfriend blush and curl her lips into a distasteful sneer as she started to grind her ass on Radblocker’s crotch. Even with Patcher hiding and invisible, the sniper blushed to be resorting to the humiliating Special. Patcher just covered her mouth and stared as her strict military gf did her awkward best to give him a stimulating lapdance. She had to slide her kevlar vest aside before she could properly shove her tits into his face. Patcher rubbed a hand beneath her skirt as Ghost’s pumping hips showed off her already toned and muscular ass. “Holy shit I need to ask for one of those later,” Patcher muttered softly to herself.

Ghost’s keen senses picked up on even the lowest whisper, whipping up her gun and pumping off a few shots. Patcher squeaked as one grazed her arm, dropping her cloak and running behind a pillar. “Oh, it’s you,” the enemy Ghost noted. “Hey bad. How’s it going?”

“Pretty good!” Patcher called back. She flared her nose for another few sniffs and hopped around the corner to punch Ghost in the face. “What were you thinking for dinner tonight?!” Patcher shouted over the burst of fired nails and her super strong punch drawing a grunt from her lover.

“Don’t care. But loser cooks!” She retreated while pumping a few shots into the healslut’s lower body but Patcher grabbed a nearby vase and smashed it over her head. Even with the lack of blood Ghost grunted and crumbled to her knees, clutching her dark hair when Patcher kicked her in the chest. She landed on her back with the high heeled boot crushing her breast as the sniper smirked up at her through the dull pain.

“Worth it,” she said, running a hand up Patcher’s bare leg. Her free hand launched a few more shots into her blonde lover but she smacked it aside.

“See you at dinner, hon,” Patcher said with a quick smile and a firm stomp.Ghost grunted one last time and ragdolled as her arms flopped comically around. Patcher cringed at the sight. “Ugh… why does everybody like this killing thing so much?” She winced as she dusted herself off and stepped away from the body. “Why can’t it be a game all about healing each other? Healing is much more fuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! What the heck!?”

Patcher jumped ahead a couple steps, but the tongue pushed in between her thighs again. Bork was walking behind her, licking at her ass and crotch as he trotted around Patcher’s legs. His cold nose pushed under her skirt as she groaned and push her hand on his muzzle. “Easy! Easy, buddy! I know you’re trying to heal but that tickles!” She saw her health peaking quickly between her regeneration and Bork using his version of her healing kiss, but it didn’t keep her from squirming. She bit her lip and hoped her excitement was just leftover from watching Ghost’s lap dance.

“Okay! Okay that’s enough, pupper,” Patcher insisted as the dog spittle dried on her panties. He took another firm sniff before he turned away satisfied, shaking his head around until the bazooka reappeared in his mouth. She gave him a quick pet as she avoided meeting his happy little eyes. “If it makes you feel any better,” she muttered as she tugged the sticky panties away from her crotch. “That got me wetter than that bully Chainslash does.... now come. Er, I mean, follow. Not cum! Eheh… heh… anyway!” She patted her leg and darted ahead as he barked around his mouthful of rocket launcher.

The enemy team was pushed back pretty hard by the time Patcher reached the point. Her team was blasting them from the front, trading shots between them. Their Big Bolt threw some grenades back at Patcher’s team , which looked comically small in his ham-sized robot fists. Dr Dragon had circled her way back around to the point, swiping with her chainsaw at anyone who came close. There was a whistle and a small red dragon went darting around a corner. It chomped on Dr Dragon’s ankle and started to snort fire everywhere.

“Is that MY dragon!? You heartless little cunts!” Dragon shouted over the wall. She shifted her grip on her chainsaw and started one of Duct Tape’s hacks on the genetic monstrosity. “And as for you, little Huo, if you do not get off me this instant I am going to reprogram your taste buds so your favorite food tastes like shit!” With a few beeps, the red dragon hissed and recoiled.

"Well they're distracted. What's our plan now?" Patcher asked, looking down to Bork. He barked back at her. "Yes, I know I'm asking a dog for advice! But you're better at this than I am!" There was a lot of clanging from over on the point where Pocket Rocket pounced on the point swinging her sword around, only to go flying when Dr Dragon slashed her with her chainsaw.

"They're holding the point pretty good. So quick! What do you think?" Patcher pressed. Bork gave a few quick barks. "That's a great idea! I mean, I assume it is. I still don't know what you're saying, but I think you know what you're doing."

Bork walked up to the crouching Patcher and licked her face before shoving himself against her arms. It took the blonde a moment to realize what he was going for before she picked him up with a grunt, hefting him over her shoulder. "Okay, I'm pretty sure this is what you want. Ready, boy?"

Bork barked again happily. "Okay! Go fetch!" Patcher chucked him onto the point, the flying dog emptying his rocket launcher onto the enemies. Once he touched down and they had all turned to him, Bork dropped his weapon and rolled onto his back, exposing his belly as he rolled around on the point. Patcher sniffed as she picked up the faint chemical smell she got whenever she used her Ult. He had dropped her Pheromone Aura.

"Ohhhh," Patcher mused as she nodded. "Wait, actually that might be really super gross." Big Bolt, Dr Dragon and Anarchy all lost their urge to fight as their bodies went slack.

"Alright! Alright!" Anarchy warned, the paint-splattered bomber (thanks to her Paintball skin). "We can't attack, but neither can he! Keep yer heads on and stay on the bloody point and they can't do nothin' about it." Patcher realized she was right. Pheromone Aura was a stall tactic that could only really take out one person without another powerhouse to clear things out. "Now if ye'll excuse me... I just really fancy a shag with this handsome piece'a dog."

"OMG ewwww!" Patcher blurted. Anarchy ignored her as she put her lips to Borks, letting him lick her mouth as she started to moan. Patcher threw her hands over her eyes. She didn't want to let it happen but she also couldn't jump in against three heavy hitters and expect to come out on top. It looked like her team was either healing or dead, because their shots had petered out entirely. She didn't know what to do until her skin tingled and a large icon appeared in the corner of her eye. A large skull appeared instead of the perfume-like wafts of her usual Ultimate.

"Whatever this one is, it can't be worse than this," she winced, tapping the button gingerly." The temple ground cracked beneath her and a pale gray hand burst out of the stone. She squeaked and hopped back as more and more popped out, dragging their owners' bodies behind them. They had mold and dirt-stained blonde hair, curvy figures, long legs, torn up version of her clothes, and wide, blankly staring eyes. Apart from the gray skin, they looked a bit like Patcher after she fucked herself silly healing the entire team. "Oh! It's Skull's Zombie Mode! Hey, gang!"

"Ruuuughhh..."

"Graaaa..."

"Diiiiick..."

"Ew. I mean, I guess you all just have my brains, so uh... sorry about that. But hey! How about we get that point, ladies?" The Patcher zombies let out a few more dazed groans before they started hobbling towards the point, breaking off to pursue the various enemies. Two piled onto Anarchy while another three started climbing up Big Bolt. Another tackled Dr Dragon around the legs, bringing her down as a second tore at her coat. Patcher followed them gingerly, ready to cut in when the others started fighting back. To her surprise, the zombies didn't break them out of their charmed state. It was probably because the zombie Patchers weren't attacking so much as they were just clambering over the enemy to grind and kiss whatever they could get their hips/lips on. The three were tearing off Big Bolt's suit, one mindlessly sucking on the hanging piston between his legs. The other had gotten high enough to grind her crotch in his face while the other was humping his leg like a bitch in heat.

"Oof. Not... not a good look, girls," Patcher admitted, rubbing her arm awkwardly. "But hey that works!"

"And here I didn't think you could get anymore brainless, Healslut," Dr Dragon growled as she feebly tried pushing the zombies off of her. One still sat on her face while the other buried their face in the Asian's crotch, slobbering clumsily over her exposed slit. The dragon-loving geneticist cringed and tried to crawl away as the best she could do to resist.

"Okay, you get to go first," Patcher decided out loud as she cracked her knuckles. She switched on her cloak and moved in, suddenly punching Dr Dragon in the stomach. Her whole body quaked as the pheromone spell broke but she was still being pinned by a pair of zombies. She hastily chainsawed one in half, but a quick one-two punch from Patcher pounded her into the ground until she fell limp. Patcher ran back over to Big Bolt where two of her zombie clones were moaning and worshiping his piston so eagerly that he was dragging them behind him. With a quick grunt, Patcher lifted him over her head, two zombie sluts literally hanging from his equivalent of a robot dick.

"Sorry, Big Guy, but this is our point now. You got to GO!" Patcher chucked him a few yards away, letting him go flying off into the bottomless pit nearby. He let out a few distressed beeps as he went soaring down into nothingness. Patcher finally turned to Anarchy, the mohawked Brit buried under a pair of zombies. The undead Patchers were making out with each other as they ground their hips on her face. The muffled protests of the bomber vanished into their dirty gray muffs as Patcher leaned past them to catch her eyes past one of their asses.

"Hey. Sorry again," Patcher confessed. "If it's any consolation, nobody tends to remember what they do while they're high on my pheromones, so I don't think anyone will remember you making out with the dog. Or... where you hand ended up. Just, my point is, I won't tell anybody. This has been... weird for all of us." She raised her heel and with a few firm stomps, Anarchy was out. Between Bork hopping back up to fight, some reinforcements from her team, and her zombies patrolling the area, they capped the point with little resistance.

The Blue Team came jogging over to pat her on the back (and give pets to Bork). "Triple kill! I have very jealous!" Skullfucker praised. She gestured to one of the wandering Patcher zombies. "They do not make good company, da?"

"Oh I like, totally got that much..."

"Diiiiick..."

"Yes, I hear you, Number Four. Go back to bed. The match is over."

"Gruuuhhh..." The zombie started to wither into dust as it slid back into the earth.

Ghost Shot smirked and clapped her on the shoulder. "Good moves out there, blonde. Looks like you finally found your game mode, huh?"

"About that... cuz like, yeaaaa no?"

Ghost raised her eyebrow. "Really? Because you copy everyone BUT you while keeping your regen. You have to admit, you're a huge asskicker in Randomizer."

"Yea, but like... I didn't get to heal anybody, and that was sad. Plus I had to beat up all my friends and nobody wants that. I mean, you guys do, cuz you like do fight stuff, but I dunno. Can I go back to healing?"

"Only if you end up copying me or the Doc," Pocket pointed out as she awkwardly resheathed her sword. "Or maybe Roadblock. So odds aren't real great."

Patcher frowned and nodded. "Yea... so like, you guys mind if I sit out a couple rounds?"

Ghost gave her a sympathetic look and gave her a quick hug. "You take all the time you need, Patches. You do you. But come on. Victory poses. One more happy face and I'll go cook you some dinner."

"But I'm not hungry."

"You don't get hungry, numbskull. It's just the thought that counts."

"What I would do to change name to 'Numbskull," Skullfucker sighed, shaking her rotted head as she knelt into her victory pose.

In the end, the new mode wasn't put through. Its testing was announced about a week before it was called off in a casual blog post on the Inferno Game Studios website:

"Thanks to those who helped with the beta on Randomizer Mode, but we'll be leaving it at that. There were all sorts of problems with programming this, even beyond the RNG. The game was chaotic, leaving certain characters unbeatable while others next to useless. Many of the characters and their Taunts were too hard to animate with their new equipment (i.e. Pocket Rocket's 'Rocket Jump' and Oni-Chan's 'Sword Balance.' Lots of the summon Specials and other uses of the AI were completely baffled by the programming required. Basically, it's a lot of work for a goofy and intentionally unbalanced game mode.

"The way testing went, we decided to keep things traditional. The characters just aren’t compatible with that kind of a system yet. We'll make things as fun and simple as ever to keep as many of our loyal players happy as possible by letting our beloved cast of characters stay true to who they were.

"Now get ready for next week's 4th of July event as we bring our team into olden days of the Wild West! New Skins, new Taunts, and an all new mode! And keep your eyes peeled for some  new playable characters. Merc on, fans!"