Alex in Haremland Chapter 3

I had to be tripping balls or have completely lost my mind at some point, but there I was in the middle of a weird forest talking to a cat-girl named Una. She’d just called me the Dreamer, and while it was unsettling to consider the implications of such a title, I couldn’t argue with its accuracy. Still, I didn’t remember ever asking to be some special dreamer, and I decided it was time to wake up.

I slapped myself across the face in an effort to rouse myself, but nothing happened. I even pinched my arms in a couple of places, but when I opened my eyes, I still stood in the creepy forest.

Whatever dream this was, it was sticking.

“You have to be the one!” Una insisted. “Who else would you be? You’re here to save All-the-land! The Dreamer of prophecy! You must be…”

I held up my hands to stop her, and I shook my head to dispel the sudden woozy feeling returning to my brain. It was all a little overwhelming. I must have gone completely insane, and this was what the last brain cells operating inside my skull had created.

I was crazy. This was crazy. Talking to a cat-girl was absolutely bonkers. There had to be a logical explanation.

“This is all just a dream, isn’t it?” I chuckled, but it came out more nervous than I wanted. “You’re some figment of my imagination.”

“I am not a figment.” Una stuck out her chin. “I am Una, and you are the Dreamer. There’s no other explanation. You are here to save all of All-the-land!”

“No other explanation for what, exactly?” I pressed.

“You’re not from here,” Una said as if this explained everything.

“And?” I asked.

“The Dreamer isn’t from All-the-land; he will be a stranger,” Una said with a decisive nod. “Very strange indeed. He won’t know how the things go up or down or side to side.”

Shivers ran up my spine, but I had to admit the words felt right.

Was this really a dream?

Was I the Dreamer the prophecy had foretold?

Or was I just tripping balls in my apartment?

If I was in a dream, then it was far more extensive and immersive than any I’d ever had before. I was beginning to suspect it was more than an illusion, but that merely raised more questions I didn’t have the answers to.

“Okay, we need to slow down,” I said, and I raked a hand through my hair as I calmed my racing thoughts. “Look… I made this fire. Can we just sit down and talk for a while before you go running off into the forest?”

“I wasn’t running,” Una pointed out, and her ears twitched as she considered my proposition. “I was walking quickly, but yes, I will join you by your fire.”

“Good.” I gestured toward the flames. “After you.”

The beautiful cat-girl swiveled on her feet, but she stumbled a little, and I reached out to catch her.

“Thank you.” Her violet eyes met mine, and I was mesmerized by their sparkling depths.

“You sure are clumsy,” I chuckled. “It’s a bit odd for a cat.”

“Like I said, I wasn’t always like this.” Una waved a dismissive hand as she pushed herself out of my arms. Then she crossed the distance to the fire, and she plopped down into a cross-legged position while her striped tail flicked behind her.

“How come?” I followed behind her, and I made sure to leave some distance between us as I sat down. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I wanted to be as close to her as possible at the same time.

“I drank an agility potion.” Una shrugged, but then realization dawned on her face. “You don’t know how the potions work. You’re not from here.”

“You’re getting it,” I laughed. “So, tell me about these potions.”

“You saw for yourself,” Una said. “You drank my ‘big’ potion. Then you got bigger.”

“Yeah.” I furrowed my brow as I thought about what I’d learned from the experience. “I drank it, got really big, but after a while I shrank back to my normal size. It seems simple enough.”

“Except that is a strange reaction,” Una explained. “No side effects, no cravings, no withdrawal symptoms?”

“I was pretty hungry before you shared your bacon with me,” I pointed out. “But I would have been happy with anything.”

Una’s face brightened, and she searched her hip pouch for another slice of bacon, but she came up empty handed.

“I’m sorry, that was all I had, but I know where more bacon grows,” Una informed me in a proud tone. “If you liked the stuff I gave you, just wait until you taste it fresh! It’s so much better! It melts in your mouth.”

“I’d love to see bacon growing,” I said with raised eyebrows. “Where I come from it’s farmed from pigs.”

“What are pigs?” Una tilted her head.

“Fat pink animals that oink,” I explained. “Do you have anything like that here?”

“There are countless animals in All-the-land, but I haven’t met them all.” Una’s tail swished through the dirt to graze against my legs, but then it shot back to its previous position. “What are the pigs you know?”

“I don’t know any pigs personally,” I said. “The animals on Earth don’t talk.”

“Then how did you retrieve their bacon?” Una asked with an intense curiosity in her purple eyes. “How do you communicate with them? How do they sell their produce?”

“Well, uh, the farmers, um, kill them.” I raked a hand through my hair. I wasn’t sure how she would take the information, but seeing as how she was sort of a cat, I assumed she was a carnivore. She’d eaten bacon, but it grew like a plant, so maybe the people of All-the-land were against killing in general.

I knew how crazy that sounded, but maybe I needed to play along with my dream before it would let me wake up.

“That’s not very nice,” Una pointed out in a neutral tone, but her gaze flicked anxiously up and down my person, and there was a question in her eye.

“What?” I asked, and I had to admit I was a bit nervous about what she could be thinking.

Una opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but then she snapped her jaws shut and shook her head.

“It’s nothing.” Una smiled wide. “I’m just really happy you’re here. At last!”

I didn’t entirely believe her, but we’d only just met. I wasn’t about to call her out for withholding things from me, so I decided to let it go. There was only so much strangeness a man could take at once, after all.

“Tell me more about these potions,” I requested as I flashed her an encouraging smile. “Why did you take an agility potion? You’re already half cat, so wouldn’t you have more than enough to start with?”

“It’s a long story, but you know the end,” Una said. “Should I tell it backward or forward?”

“Start at the beginning,” I urged.

Una nodded, and she bit her bottom lip as she thought it over. Her purple eyes crossed as she went deep into thought, but I could practically see the light bulb illuminate above her head a moment later.

“All-the-land was founded long ago,” Una began.

“No, not that far into the beginning,” I cut her off before she could continue the extensive history lesson. While I was sure it was fascinating, I wanted the highlights of our immediate situation, and whether or not anything else was after her.

“Oh.” Una looked a little deflated, but then her smile came back. “I will start with my escape from the Clover fortress.”

“Perfect.” I nodded my encouragement.

“They were performing experiments on me and the others,” Una explained. “Testing various potion mixtures to see if the side effects could be fixed. I believe the idea was a cat person would be immune to the clumsiness brought on by the agility potion.”

I didn’t know what a clover was or why they were experimenting on Una, but they didn’t sound like the nicest people.

“I’m glad you got out of there,” I said. “But I’m sorry you had to go through that. It must have been really hard to escape.”

“Before the potion wore off, I slipped out of my restraints and grabbed a few potions from the table. I was already wanting another one at that point, so I drank ‘night vision’ to ease the cravings.” Una’s eyes turned dark as the memory passed through her mind. “The lights were all so bright, it was almost blinding.”

“What happened next?” I pressed as I leaned forward.

Una’s lips stretched into a wide, devilish smile. “I escaped.”

“What other potions did you take?” I asked.

These magical drinks could be useful if we encountered any other predators like the Sniffer Snatcher, but it seemed like they came with their own list of problems.

“Just the ‘big’,” Una sighed, and her shoulders slumped. “Those were the only ones in the room where I was being held, but fortunately I managed to bring it to you. I was almost scared to take it because it would be much harder to reach Havenwood at such a small size.”

“I still don’t understand how drinking ‘big’ would make you tiny,” I said.

“Once the potion wears off, the effects go in the opposite direction of its original purpose,” Una explained. “Big becomes tiny, agile becomes clumsy, and the effects can last hours or days depending on how much one takes…”

“That’s a double edged sword,” I observed.

“What’s that?” Una asked with a curious tilt of her head.

“What’s what?” I asked.

“Not what, that,” she countered. “The double edged sword?”

“Oh, that,” I laughed. “I just meant there’s good and bad sides to the potions.”

The thin, sweet air was going to my head, and I could feel my brain moving at a sluggish speed. I felt like I was losing my mind, or had lost it long ago, but this was just an elaborate dream, so I surrendered to the feeling.

“Potions used to be much more abundant long ago, before the Dark King took over the land,” Una explained. “Once he outlawed their use, they grew hard to find. Now, anyone who knows how to make them has long since been arrested, and the four queens seize any potions their soldiers find.”

“The Dark King?” I shook my head. “And something about four queens? How many bad guys are there in All-the-land?”

“There are many ways to die in All-the-land,” Una repeated. “You could have your pick of any one of them.”

“Awesome,” I sighed. “This is the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.”

“You do not appear to be asleep,” Una said. “Are you walking in your sleep?”

“I don’t think so?” I frowned. “But I can’t make myself wake up either.”

Una reached across the distance between us and pinched my forearm.

“Ow,” I gasped.

A mischievous smile stretched across her face. “That hurt?”

“Yes,” I said as I rubbed the red spot on my arm.

“Will you come with me to Havenwood, Alex from Earth?” Una blinked rapidly, and her long eyelashes fluttered over her violet eyes. “I would like you to meet my friends. They have almost given up hope.”

“Hope for what?” I asked. I wasn’t certain if I wanted to go to this Havenwood place just yet, so I sidetracked instead of answering the question.

“Hope for your arrival,” Una said, and she leaned toward me as excitement filled her gaze. “Your coming was foretold long ago, Alex, and we are in desperate need of a savior. There can be only one Dreamer, and I believe you are he.”

“What exactly makes you think so besides I’m not from around here?” I asked with a disbelieving shake of my head.

“The prophecy says the Dreamer will come from a land far away, and he will banish the nightmares plaguing the land. We will know him by the strangeness of his words, the bravery of his actions, and his immunity to the potion opposition. Also, he will be quite silly. You seem very silly so far.”

“What exactly am I supposed to do to save All-the-land?” This was one wild dream, but who didn’t love a quest? “What’s plaguing the land? Nightmares?”

Una nodded. “The Dark King conquered All-the-land and unleashed his nightmare beasts upon the people who resisted his rule. They are terrifying and deadly, but they are everywhere, and they can sense fear.”

“Big bad nightmare guy and terrifying beasts. Got it.” I smirked. “What else is trying to kill us?”

“So, you’ll do it?” Una gasped as she bounced up and down. “You’ll save All-the-land?”

“I don’t know…” I avoided her eyes for a long moment as I thought of what to say to her.

I must be having some weird ‘chosen one’ type of dream where it was up to me to save a magical fantasy world, and I just couldn’t make myself wake up for some reason.

Was I actually in a coma or some medical situation?

I pictured myself in a hospital bed hooked up to a bunch of machines, but the thought was unsettling and didn’t feel right, so I dismissed it. The last thing I remembered clearly was the hot delivery girl coming inside my apartment with my dinner. Then images of a stray cat with a wide smile full of human teeth sprang into my mind, and I shook my head to dispel the weird visual. Had I gone down some sort of rabbit hole into another dimension where cat-girls wanted me to save the world?

In the off chance this wasn’t a dream, then I was in some serious trouble. I knew little survival skills, and I had no idea how to combat a scary Dark King or his following of queens.

I realized Una was still waiting for me to answer, so I took a deep, steadying breath.

“While I’d love to promise to save the world,” I began, “the most I can guarantee is to help you get home safely. I’ll go with you to Havenwood, but that’s it.”

A disappointed pout twisted Una’s lips upside down. “Oh, okay.”

“Tell me more about what’s happening to All-the-land,” I requested, but then my stomach growled loudly, and we both giggled. “I suppose we should eat something more than a couple pieces of bacon soon.”

“I can feed you if you’re hungry, you just have to follow along,” Una said, and she rose to her feet. She tripped over her own ankle and almost fell over, but I put out a hand to catch her, and she used it to regain her balance. “Thank you again.”

“No problem,” I chuckled. “I am happy to catch you any time you’re about to fall.”

Una’s big purple eyes practically melted into hearts, but she blinked rapidly as her expression turned neutral. “I’m not as familiar with this part of the forest, but I’m sure I can find something good for us to eat around here somewhere.”

“I’m right behind you,” I said, and I stood up and dusted off my hands. “But I am barefoot. My shoes fell apart when I got bigger.”

“Shoes?” Una tilted her head to the side, and her tail twitched behind her. “What are shoes?”

“They’re protective coverings for my feet,” I said.

“Hmm,” she snorted, and her gaze analyzed my cold toes. “Your feet are awfully bare. I wonder why there’s no hair.”

“Humans don’t grow that much hair.” I shrugged. “We’re not hobbits.”

“What’s a hobbit?” Una asked.

“A halfling human-like thing from a book,” I explained, but then my stomach growled again, and I flashed her a cheeky grin. “You were leading the way to some food?”

“Indeed.” Una nodded, and she swiveled on her heels before marching away from the campfire. She certainly had spunk, and a good attitude despite recently escaping from prison. On top of that, she was the most sane thing I’d encountered in this dreamland, so I wasn’t about to let her out of my sight.

I hurried to keep up with the cat-girl’s brisk pace, and my bare feet found every sharp rock along the way. I supposed my feet would toughen up eventually, but in the meantime, it was taking some getting used to.

Una led me away from the fire into the shadows of the trees, and she paused a couple of times to sniff the air before continuing onward. She zig-zagged beneath the branches, curved around the trunks, and circled back to sniff the air she’d already smelled.

“Are we… lost?” I asked in a hesitant voice.

“No…?” Una glanced at me over her shoulder, and her grin never faltered. “There’s a noodle tree around here somewhere, I just know it. They’re fairly common.”

“A noodle tree?”

“Don’t you have those where you come from?” Una questioned. “They’re everywhere.”

“Nope.” I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me while I walked behind her. “We have fruit trees, though. Apples, oranges, lemons, even avocados. Stuff like that.”

“Sounds yummy,” Una mused. “We should go there and get some fruit. I want to try it.”

“If I knew how to get back home, then I wouldn’t still be here,” I pointed out, although it would be a shame to leave the cat-girl behind in my dream when I woke up. She was growing on me faster than I wanted to admit.

“Well, how did you get here?” Una asked.

“I’m not sure…” I glanced around to see if anyone or anything was listening, but we were alone in the woods. “I woke up in the field full of laughing flowers, and I barely remember what happened before. Did you… Did you bring me here to All-the-land?”

“How would I accomplish such a thing?” Una shot me a quizzical glance over her shoulder. “I’ve been a captive of the Clover Queen since last night.”

“I guess you have a point.” I frowned as I thought it over.

The last thing I remembered was letting Ana inside my apartment, and my stomach growled as I pictured the large meat lovers pizza and spicy buffalo wings. I suddenly had a flash of memory, and I saw the delivery girl take a huge bite of pizza in my mind’s eye. I’d scarfed down my food quickly, but then I sat there and awkwardly watched her eat. When she’d finished, she’d wiped her face with a paper towel and gave me the brightest smile before she’d pulled a plastic bag out of her cleavage.

The stunning redhead had proceeded to pop what looked like mushrooms into her mouth and chewed away. I’d gaped in shock for several moments, and then she laughed as she offered me the bag.

“Wanna have sex while tripping?” Ana had asked with a sly smile.

Hell to the yeah I did.

Ana’s words repeated in my head as the memory faded, and realization settled into my brain. I’d taken magic mushrooms and went on a sexy, fun trip with the beautiful delivery girl, but somehow I’d ended up in a fantasy land where flowers laughed and cats were hot girls.

Was I just hallucinating?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, but I was already getting accustomed to the feeling of confusion I’d experienced ever since waking up in this strange place. I had a feeling the air wasn’t just oxygen, and I resisted the urge to giggle at the very notion. The euphoric sensation wasn’t as strong in these woods as it had been in the area Una referred to as the Happy Fields, and it made it easier to think clearly, but I wasn’t entirely myself yet either.

“Hey, Una,” I said in an effort to distract myself. “Is there anything else that could eat us in these woods?”

“All-the-land is a dangerous place,” Una replied over her shoulder. “The Dark King’s minions are everywhere.”

“What was it like before the Dark King took over?” I asked.

The cat-girl’s tail swayed as she walked ahead of me, and I found myself mesmerized by the movement. The stripes of her appendage were almost hypnotic, but the bouncing of her ass cheeks beneath the edge of her tunic was even more fascinating. I tried not to stare for too long, but she kept her gaze forward, so I stole a few glances every couple of paces.

“Magical,” Una breathed after a long moment of silence. “Celebration was a way of life, but now we all cower in fear.”

“I’m sure there are still things to celebrate,” I said. “Like your escape. Won’t your friends be happy to see you safe and well?”

“They would be happier if my mission were a complete success,” Una sighed. “I failed to rescue some of my friends from the clutches of the Clover Queen.”

Una came to a halt, and she sniffed the air curiously before she adjusted her direction slightly.

“But you managed to escape,” I pointed out. “Isn’t that a victory?”

“I put myself in the grasp of the clover cards in order to recover something very important, but it’s useless without the proper person to peruse it.” Una shook her head with a solemn air. “I failed to rescue the Potion Master and the others, so the recipe is all but useless. I have failed.”

“I don’t really understand what you’re talking about,” I said, “but I’m sorry. I’m sure your friends will be happy to see you, regardless of the success or failure of your mission.”

“Thank you, Alex.” Una turned to look at me with a sweet smile. “I cannot wait to tell them I found the Dreamer. It will make me feel like less of a failure.”

“You’re welcome.” I grinned back at her.

“The noodle tree is close,” she said, and she turned to sniff the air again. “This way.”

I followed her around a couple more trees, and then we came to a small clearing. Standing in the center of the opening, a tall, strange looking tree grew. It resembled a weeping willow, except the limbs looked softer. Then my eyes widened as I stepped closer and realized it was growing spaghetti noodles, complete with sauce. I even spotted a few meatballs that looked like seed pods dangling from the pasta branches.

“This is awesome!” I gasped as I grabbed a hold of a strand of noodle and yanked it free from the tree.

The noodles were as thick as my fingers, and perfectly cooked. The flavor of the sauce was balanced and savory, and I sucked up the strand with a loud slurp. Sauce splattered against my lips, and I licked them clean with a quick dash of my tongue before I reached for more pasta.

“I’m glad you like it,” Una giggled, and she helped herself to a long noodle branch. “Noodle trees are one of my favorite foods.”

“So, all your food just grows already cooked like this?” I asked. “What else do you eat?”

Una shrugged. “Whatever is there for me.”

If there were bacon plants and noodle trees, I could only imagine what other delicacies were available in All-the-land, and the urge to explore every last inch of this magical fantasy land filled my chest. The desire to wake up was less urgent, and I decided to enjoy my dream while it lasted.

We ate our fill of the spaghetti, and Una shoved a few meatballs into her hip pouch to snack on later. Then we headed back to our campfire side by side. Una shot me sideways smiles the whole trip, and by the time the flames of my little fire came into view, a blush crept up my neck.

The two of us returned to our cross-legged positions near the fire, and I stoked the flames into a blaze. The half-burnt logs tumbled against each other as they began to fall apart, and sparks flew into the air. The twinkling lights were reflected in Una’s deep purple eyes, and I found myself staring into the swirling violet depths.

“Do I have sap on my face?” Una asked in a self-conscious tone as a blush darkened her cheeks.

“No,” I assured her, and I considered sharing my thoughts, but I didn’t want to scare her off. I was in a dream world, though, so what the hell. “I was staring at your beautiful eyes. I feel like I’m drowning in them, but if that’s drowning then I don’t want to breathe.”

“Oh,” Una breathed, and her eyes twinkled with amusement. “Do you know how to swim?”

I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or flirting, but it didn’t matter either way. I had a feeling I’d swim across an ocean for her, and all she had to do was flutter her long eyelashes.

“Absolutely.” I nodded emphatically. “Do you like water?”

“Not particularly,” Una admitted. “But it doesn’t like me either, so it’s fair.”

“That’s good,” I chuckled, and I stretched my hands out to the fire just for something to do with my hands other than scooping her up. “Will we have to cross any water to get to Havenwood?”

I found myself staring at her lips, and I was fascinated by the way she formed her words.

“I’m not sure how far we’ve gone from the Happy Fields,” Una said. “There could be places to drown if that’s what you’re after.”

“Not particularly,” I laughed, but then a serious thought crossed my mind. “Do you know how to get to Havenwood from here?”

“Probably.” Una shrugged. “Do you?”

“Not in the slightest,” I said. “But you’re sure we’re not lost?”

“I’m positive.” Una nodded.

“I trust you,” I said.

Una winked. “A wise choice.”

We stared into the fire in silence for a while, but after several moments, I stretched my arms out and yawned. It had already been a long day, and it seemed still close to noon. I’d been chased by a giant dog-monster and stretched to gigantic proportions, though, and that had a way of wearing a guy out. I didn’t want to fall asleep if there were any enemies or predators lurking about, and I’d promised to protect Una, so I fought off my weariness with a few deep breaths.

The mysterious cat-girl eyed me sideways a few times during my stretches, and her ears twitched toward me with every noise I made. It was growing steadily more obvious she was just as fascinated by me as I was by her, but I wasn’t complaining.

“I’m so glad you’re finally here, Alex the Dreamer,” Una said in a soft voice, and the silence was broken. “All-the-land has been waiting for you for a very long time.”

“I’m not sure if I’m this savior you think I am,” I said in a cautious tone. “But I made you a promise. I’ll get you back to Havenwood, but then it’s going to be time for me to wake up.”

“Your eyes are open, but your mind is closed.” Una shook her head, and a tragic expression crossed her face. “You are the Dreamer, Alex. There is no other explanation.”

“So, what? I’m supposed to go challenge the Dark King to a duel?” I snorted. “I think you’ve got the wrong guy.”

“There is no other guy,” Una pointed out. “All our men are sick, dead, or turned.”

“Turned?” I asked.

“The Dark King has many minions, powerful sorcerers among them, and they turned a great many of our men into the smiling trees,” Una sighed, and her eyes welled with emotion. “The men who were left behind are shells of their former selves. It’s fallen to the women to do what needs to be done, but there were no warriors left after the Great Turmoil, so we’ve been living in hiding ever since.”

“But there were potions back then, too, right?” I asked. “Why wouldn’t your soldiers just drink a bunch of the magic stuff before they went after the Dark King?”

“Oh, they did.” Una’s chin quivered. “That’s why they are so weak today. Havenwood is a safe place where the injured and dependent can go to be cared for.”

“So, All-the-land is run by women?” I furrowed my brow as I thought it over. “What about this Queen of Clovers you mentioned?”

“The Dark King’s sorcerers brought the Deck of Cards to life after the Great Turmoil,” Una explained. “They are more of his minions, only more powerful. The Four Queens rule over All-the-land with iron fists and flawless style. It would be foolish to underestimate them. There is no doubt in my mind, I would not have been able to escape without the assistance of the agility potion.”

“What can we do about it, though?” I shook my head. “That sounds like a complicated mess and a whole slew of enemies aiming for our heads.”

“Which is why we hold onto hope someday the Dreamer will appear in All-the-land and save us all.” Una’s eyes were earnest as she held my gaze. “Without the Dreamer, All-the-land is doomed to fall beneath the shadow of the Dark King for all time. I… I cannot lose hope.”

“Why not just leave this land and go somewhere the Dark King cannot reach you?” I worked the muscle in my jaw. “It doesn’t sound like you have anyone left who can fight him off.”

“You’re telling me to give up hope, Alex of Earth?” Una tilted her head to the side, but her purple eyes were solemn. “Abandon my friends and family? Surrender my home to the shadows of darkness?”

“Well, when you put it that way… No?” I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m just saying, the Dark King sounds like really bad news, and I don’t think I’m the right guy for the job. I’m just an average dude. The fact I’m even having this dream in the first place is pretty phenomenal.”

“I am ready for you to wake up, Alex,” Una said with a decisive nod. “Wake up and realize I speak the truth. You are the Dreamer, and you’re going to save All-the-land.”

“Tell me more about Havenwood,” I said to redirect the topic away from the prophesied coming of the Dreamer. “What’s it like?”

“To find it you must know it,” Una said, and her demeanor brightened as the subject changed. “It is a secret known by many.”

“That doesn’t sound very safe…” I had my doubts about the abilities of the locals to protect themselves since Una had said all the warriors were gone, which meant there wasn’t anyone capable of protecting me while I figured out how to get back home.

“It is well hidden,” Una assured me. “To the ignorant eye, it would appear to be a part of the land itself.”

“It’s built in a tree or something?” That sounded cool.

“You will love it, Alex, I just know it.” Una bounced up and down with an excited smile stretched across her face. “Can we go now?”

I took stock of where I was at and what was happening, and I had to admit I was in sorry shape for travel. My feet were sore and scratched up, my clothes were in tatters, and my entire body was stiff from the morning’s adventures.

“If you don’t mind, I need to rest a little while longer,” I confessed. “After drinking the big potion and fighting with the Sniffer Snatcher, I’m pretty worn out.”

“I will make you some foot wrappings while you rest,” Una suggested, and she bounded to her feet only to topple over.

I yet again managed to reach out and catch her, but this time I didn’t comment on her clumsiness since at this point I was starting to get used to it. Una skipped away with her tail swaying happily behind her, and I had to chuckle at her childlike attitude. I found her highly appealing to my senses, and I already missed her presence by my side.

“Will you alert me if something happens?” I asked as I stretched out onto my back in the dirt. “I just want to close my eyes for a moment.”

“I will wake you if I need you,” Una promised, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to sleep inside a dream.

Maybe falling asleep here would cause me to wake up back in my apartment?

While it would be nice to wake up to a naked red-haired delivery girl in my bed, the prospect of getting to know Una better was even more enticing, so a big part of me hoped I stayed in the dream world.

Still, I had to try it before I made what was sure to be a long walk to Una’s home, so I shut my eyes gently, rested my hands behind my head, and let out a deep exhale. Then I tried to clear my mind for a while, but I was unsuccessful. Any time I had banished all thought, the image of a smiling cat would pop back into my brain.

What did it mean?

Was I having a dream within a dream?

How many mushrooms did I eat?

I eventually managed to regulate my breathing enough to drift into a brief sleep, but a feeling of urgency roused me shortly after. I was more confused than ever when I gave up and decided to open my eyes, but I gasped the instant I blinked. Hovering directly above me with wide-eyed intensity was the curious cat-girl, but she didn’t move when she realized I was awake.

“What happened?” I asked. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is just as it was and will be for a time,” Una assured me. Her breath smelled of spaghetti and bacon, and her lips were inches from mine, but then she winked and hopped off me. “Until you change things, that is how they will remain.”

“Do you usually watch people sleep like that?” I asked as I pushed myself up onto my elbows.

“Did I upset you?” Una tilted her head, and her tail flicked anxiously.

“No,” I said. “Just startled me. I’m not used to people crouching on my chest and staring at me like that, awake or asleep. What were you doing?”

“I noticed you have a little bit of fur, too,” Una said. “On top of your head, and coming out of your face.”

“That’s called a beard,” I explained.

“Beard?” Una asked as she pointed to her nose. “The hairs growing from your face holes are long. Do they keep your face warm?”

“To a degree,” I chuckled. “But that’s not a beard. A beard is the scruffy hair on my chin and neck.”

Then I grabbed her hand and held it against my face where a five o’clock shadow was emerging. Una’s eyes lit up with excitement as she rubbed the pads of her palms against the grain, and her lips parted ever so slightly as her gaze trailed to my lips.

Fuck, I wanted to kiss her.

Instead, I released her hand and smiled softly. “See, that’s a beard.”

“Oh.” Una’s lips formed an adorable little circle as her eyes locked onto the ground. “T-Thank you for… showing me.”

The moment was over, but the tension between us was palpable, and I swallowed down the lump rising in my throat. While I was getting some hints she was interested in me, I wanted to be absolutely certain before I made a move on the sexy blue-purple cat-girl. She might be part animal, but I wasn’t, so I could be a gentleman for a little while longer.

“You’re welcome.” I cleared my throat. “Are you ready to go to Havenwood?”

“Yes, and so are you!” Una gasped, and she bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. The adorable cat-girl flourished her hands at my feet, and I peered down at the brown leaves wrapped around them. “I almost forgot! I made you footwraps.”

“Oh, wow, Una, that’s awesome.” I grinned as I pushed myself up to a standing position to try them out, and I shifted my weight experimentally from foot to foot. The wrappings stayed put, and they protected my feet from the majority of the painful sensations. They were a far cry from a pair of Nike’s, but they were more than appreciated. “Thank you, Una. We’ll be able to travel much faster than if I was barefoot.”

“I’m glad you’re pleased with your feet.” Una planted her hands on her hips and nodded curtly as her tail waved behind her like a victory flag. “Now, we just need to put out the fire before we leave.”

“I got it.” I grinned, but I waved my hands to shoo her away. “Go behind a tree or something while I relieve myself.”

“Oohh…” Una giggled, but she obediently scampered away. I wasn’t sure if she would peek or not, but I didn’t really care anyway.

Once the flames were doused, the two of us turned our backs on the smoking remains of the embers and headed into the woods. I resisted the urge to reach out and grab her hand, but my fingers itched to touch hers. I followed her through the trees, and she started to sniff the air again. After she’d found the noodle tree, I trusted her nose, so I was happy to let her take the lead again.

“What’s Earth like, Alex?” Una asked me in a curious tone, but I couldn’t see her face as she walked ahead of me.

“It’s pretty boring,” I said. “All-the-land is much more interesting.”

“What’s boring? What makes it pretty? Why is All-the-land interesting?” Una rattled off question after question without pausing long enough for me to reply.

I tried to answer her the best I could, but the moment I answered one question, she peppered me with ten more. It was impossible to keep up, and after a while I surrendered to the soundtrack of her babbling voice. It was actually comforting to hear someone talking in the silence of the woods.

After a while, her nonstop questions finally ceased, and I was able to get a word in edgewise.

“So, how did you get captured?” I asked.

The beautiful cat-girl didn’t answer me for a long moment, and I wondered if she’d heard me, but then she came to a halt.

“I was trying to save my friends,” Una said as she turned to face me. For once, there was no smile on her face, and her violet eyes were solemn. “They were travelling when they were arrested, and I was attempting to break them free. I failed…”

“What will happen to them?” I swallowed hard.

“The women will be given over to the Dark King,” Una said, and she glared down at the ground. “The men will be used for menial labor or experimentation. If it weren’t for those clover cards… My friends shouldn’t be in there.”

Una wouldn’t meet my eyes for a long moment, and I had the strange feeling she wasn’t telling me everything, but then again, I was just as new to her as she was to me. I’d needed to be patient and get to know her a little better before I rushed to judgement. Finally, her violet eyes lifted to mine, and there was determination in her gaze.

“You could help me save them,” Una insisted. “Together, we would succeed. I know it.”

“Hey, I would love to help you,” I said. “But I could wake up at any minute. The most I can promise is to get you back to Havenwood safely.”

“But… But you’re the Dreamer,” the cat-girl argued, and she planted her feet firmly. “If you’re not here to help save All-the-land, then what are you doing here?”

“Dreaming?” I shrugged. “I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m in some strange forest talking to a cat-girl who, may I add, was being chased by a giant dog-monster when I met her!”

Una blinked at me, but I started to pace back and forth as my rant gained steam.

“I didn’t ask for this, hell, I didn’t even ask for a vacation, but here I am,” I said as I gestured vaguely around me. “This is great and everything, but terrifying at the same time, and just because you’re hot doesn’t mean I’m going to run off risking my life.”

“Alex,” Una said.

“No, I’m serious.” I held up my hands to stop her words. “I’m just a normal guy. I’m nobody’s hero.”

“Alex,” Una repeated, and her voice was full of urgency.

“What?” I asked.

“Behind you,” the cat-girl whispered, and her eyes flicked to something over my shoulder.

“Okay…” I turned slowly as my heart rate increased, and I held my breath as I peered carefully over my shoulder.

Hovering behind me was a dark figure, and I blinked rapidly to make sure I was seeing clearly. It looked like a black ghost or a floating cloak, and I was reminded of the Dementors in the Harry Potter books.

“W-What is that thing?” I asked as I staggered backward away from the ghoulish figure.

“A-A n-nightmare!” Una gasped out, and she grabbed my arm to pull me away from the shadowy thing. “Run, Alex!”

I didn’t need any further prompting to get the fuck out of there, and I turned around to book it at full speed.

I had no idea what the thing behind us was going to do, but if it had Una so freaked out, then I wasn’t going to ask any questions. She’d already assured me more than once there was more than one way to die in All-the-land, and I suspected I’d just discovered number two.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up,” I chanted as I ran at breakneck speed, and I dodged between the trees as I chased after Una. “Come on, Alex, time to wake up!”

Nothing happened, so I focused all my energy on outrunning the nightmare behind me.

I wasn’t about to die in the coolest dream I’d ever had.

At least not before I got to know the beautiful cat-girl better.