Rest in peace.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to make new posts today due to what happened this weekend. I cancelled my streams but I felt like I've been updating you guys about my current situation with everything that's going on in my life so I wanted to let you guys know how the story with my grandmother ended.

It was midsummer 2019 and me and my family gathered for a midsummer party that we host every year. It was such a great and beautiful day and we had loads of fun together all of us.
Around 10 pm before the night was supposed to end my aunt gets a call from the hospital saying my grandmothers breathing have changed, (like it usually does before someone dies). The doctor asked my aunt if someone wanted to come there and be there while she passes away. Nobody knows how long it takes before that last breathing begins until she passes away, it's different for all human beings and I think my aunt felt like she really needed to be there, it's her mom afterall.
So my aunt asked the rest of the family if we wanted to come with.
The only person that didn't consume any alcohol that night was my brothers girlfriend, so she offered herself to drive there, and keep in mind that from my moms place to the hospital it takes approximately one hour to arrive.

Anyway, the only thing I could think about is how it would feel to see someone die, to see someone taking their last breath and how it would be to see my family in such sorrow.
As my brother decided to come with I felt like I should come too. He is 3 years younger than me and I always felt like I have to protect him in any way possible. Even though I can't protect him from things like these happening in life, I could at least be there with my presence to support him in any way possible.
So my aunt, my mom, my brother (and his gf as driver) and myself decided to go.
The time was about 10.30 pm when we began to drive and at 11.20 pm (while still in the car) my mom gets a call...
I can hear while I'm sitting in the middle back seat in between my mom and my aunt that it's a woman talking on the phone. I realise it's my second aunt (that's already in the hospital by my grandmother) talking on the other side of the phone. I can't really hear what she is saying but the call was quick and I heard on my moms reaction that something is not right.
My mom ended the call and told us that my grandmother just passed away...
While we are all still in the car it got all quiet and as soon as she said the words I took both my moms and my aunts hand because I know they would need it the most. I hold them hard and let it be quiet for a while.

Once arriving at the hospital at 11.30 my second aunt comes out and greets us with hugs as they're leaving since they've been there for a few hours. At least she didn't pass away alone, they were there by her side all the time.
We took the elevator up to the third floor where my grandmother had her room. The doctors told us that they lit candles in there and they followed us to the door.
I paused my walking before entering the room, knowing in there will be a dead person, a person I shared my childhood with and loved very deeply.
I've never seen a dead person before and I don't think you can ever get ready for the visuals.
As I walk inside the room I can see that it's completely dark and I walk a little bit further and I see candles burning in peace beside my grandmothers bed.
I bursted out in tears, sat myself on a chair by her bed and held my hand over her arm. Letting myself realise that she is now gone, she is not suffering anymore.
It's not a way to live, to just lie in a bed for weeks and the only time you're actually awake you're in such deep pain that you have to get morphine as you fall asleep again because of the heavy dose.

You were suffering grandma and even though I would want to keep you in my life forever, I think you're in a better place now, with our family cat and your husband. We have many great memories and I will keep them close to my heart forever.

Now every midsummer ahead we will not greif, we will celebrate the life you had and all the memories you gave us. We love you, now and forever grandma.

I'll end this post with my favourite quote from my favourite game.

"In the wake of a human being's death, what survives is a set of afterglows, some brighter and some dimmer, in the collective brains of those dearest to them. There is, in those who remain, a collective corona that still glows - Douglas Hofstadter"