Angela's Farm, Chapter 6

The alarm clock in her head started beeping, and the train stopped. "Dammit," she thought. That's her stupid luck,  just as she was about to enter the ice cream cart. But in a way, it was good news because Olivia was almost certain she had forgotten to pack her swimsuit.

She opened her eyes with a mix of disappointment and relief. No, she wasn't zooming through the countryside on light rail. This place didn't even look like it was in King County at all. None of the cafes she frequented had an annoyingly beeping butter churner tucked away in the corner.

Jenna yawned from the other side of the bench. "Wake up, intern. The butter-sucker is ready." She got to her feet and started pushing a bucket with her foot until it was positioned under the churner, making a merciless screeching noise in the process, effectively ending Olivia's hope of figuring out what ice cream flavors they served in her dream.

She got up from the bench too and slowly shuffled her feet over to the machine just as a pale white liquid started draining into the bucket, making a noise like someone who really, really needed to go to the bathroom.

"Buttermilk," Jenna said as she opened the lid of the churner. Olivia was about to ask, "Where?" because Buttermilk sounded like a great name for a cat, but Jenna continued talking, leaving Olivia's mouth open at the "W" sound. "Pay attention. This next step is super important."

With a spoon ready, she carefully scooped a chunk of butter, glimpsed at it with fondness, and then, without warning, she stuffed it into Olivia's mouth. Taking advantage of the moment of surprise, she quickly followed it with another spoon for a good measure.

"So? What do you think?"

Olivia swallowed, thinking hard about what to say about two spoonfuls of butter sliding down her throat. "Butter," she said. "Greasy and a bit lumpy."

"You're a natural, Olivia. That's precisely what it is - a greasy, lumpy butter." Jenna pointed with the spoon at a square metal machine sitting quietly on the nearby table. "That bastard is called a texturizer, but you can call him Tex. He can be a bit temperamental, so you'll need to keep a close eye on what's going on inside. With a spoon, of course. Clear? Now follow my lead."

Olivia watched as Jenna scooped chunks of butter into the texturizer with what looked like a small garden trowel, then joined in, and soon, most of the butter had been transferred into Tex.

"That's enough. We need to save some butter for our next objective," Jenna said and added a large measure of salt to the texturizer, closed it, and turned it on. She looked pleased. "Do you like eggs?" she asked out of the blue.

"Sure, they are very delightful. They remind me of my uncle Bob."

"Good. That thing over there next to the egg carton is called an egg separator so start separating the eggs into yolks and whites."

Olivia winced. She of course knew what an egg separator was, she wasn't born yesterday, although she actually never used one.

"How many?" she asked, trying to read the label on the side of the egg carton. It stated that these were "Sanders Free-Run Eggs" so she should be careful. Nobody wanted two dozen eggs chasing each other around the creamery.

"I have no idea. Maybe half of them," Jenna said, as she opened the valve on the tank above the churner. The rest of the cream in the metal container started flowing in. She reached under the machine, pulled out a large bottle of a clear liquid with the word KHOR written in blue letters, uncapped it with her teeth, and emptied it into the churner.

A strong scent filled the air, reminding Olivia of the time she was trying to clean the window in her dorm room and the Windex bottle slipped from her hand and landed on the revered head of her sociology professor. Fortunately for them both, the room was only on the first floor, and she was very quick at ducking.

Olivia started breaking the eggs and separating them into two bowls with varying degrees of success. She finished with only a few shells that she had to remove with her fingers. She wasn't exactly sure which bowl carried the right ingredient for eggnog, but Jenna solved the puzzle for her. After a brief deliberation, she took the bowl that appeared to have more yolks than whites in it and emptied it into the machine.

"Now we need a lot of sugar."

"I fully agree," Olivia fully agreed, licking her lips. Sugar was unquestionably among her top five favorite food groups.

Jenna removed a bag of sugar from the cabinet and poured about half of it into the machine. She flipped the switch and reduced the speed. After a few moments, she took a sample with a ladle. "Delectable, scrumptious, magnificent," she proclaimed. "Other than that I'd say it needs about a dozen more eggs and a shit-ton more sugar. But the amount of vodka seems to be right on the money."

She passed the ladle and Olivia had to agree once again with Jenna's analysis. A shit-ton more of everything. She went to break the rest of the eggs while Jenna kept adding more sugar until the bag was empty.

"You know what?" the big girl said after testing the thick liquid again. "We should bring the egg whites to the kitchen and make a chocolate mousse. That would go so well with this atrocity."

"Did someone say chocolate mousse?" Sarah's voice echoed from the door. "And did I hear copious amount?" she appeared in between them, looking suspiciously inside the churner. 'Sleeps like a cat,' walks like a cat, Olivia thought.

Jenna scooped more eggnog and handed the ladle to her thin cousin.

"That's a really lame chocolate mousse," Sarah said with grave voice. She sniffed it carefully, then took a sip. "It tastes like condensed milk with Windex and lumps of butter."

"You're a natural," Olivia paraphrased her boss. "That's precisely what it is."

"I hope not."

"Shit!" Jenna slapped her face. "I knew there was something off. We forgot to add condensed milk! What a bunch of idiots we are. I'll be right back."

"It's CHUGGNOG," Olivia explained, studying Sarah's sour face.

“Chuck what? This is a sugar-based concrete sealant. You have to use a knife to be able to drink it."

Olivia grabbed a cup for herself and filled it with the nog, so she could inspect it properly. It was very thick and sweet, sure, but nowhere near as bad as Sarah's face indicated.

"This is what you've been doing all afternoon?" Sarah continued, "I had to clean the separator from the outside in, and you two dildos decided to make even more mess by cooking your own shoe glue."

"No, of course not," Olivia replied, after finishing the cup. "We were also doing this thing with that other thing and then something else after our nap. Did you know they have free-running eggs here?"

"Ah, pardon me. I take everything back. You must be really tired."

Jenna came back with four cans of sweetened condensed milk. She began to open them and empty their contents into the machine. She looked up, briefly observing Olivia's attempt to lick the bottom of her cup. "You didn't forget to test the butter in the texturizer, did you?"

"Oh, damn." Olivia sprang. She grabbed a spoon and ran to the table. Her first day on the job and she was already screwing it up.

The butter was fluffier and saltier, but it still tasted like butter. She wasn't exactly sure what she was looking for, so she took another spoon. Yup, the same.

"So?" Jenna asked while pouring the last can of condensed milk into the machine. "What's your rating from zero to ten."

"Let me try again," Olivia said and took another spoon. If she couldn't tell with absolute certainty, then it probably wasn't ready yet.  "Five."

"Fine, so write the current time and five on the sheet on the wall."

"So, Jin-jin," Sarah said, "how about that copious amount of chocolate mousse I constantly keep hearing about."

"For fuck sake. Can you handle an eggbeater without setting the farm on fire? If so, bring those whites to the kitchen and ask my mom for precise instructions. And please, no improvisation this time. We don't need another Christmas cucumber strudel. And you, Olivia, you're supposed to test the butter regularly, so move your ass. Why do I have to tell you two everything?"

"Sorry," Olivia said, already stuffing her mouth with another spoon of butter. "Smooth, with a hint of clumps," she proclaimed confidently so Jenna could see how professional she was. Professional and getting really stuffed with butter. "Five and one quarter, " she said as she marked it on the sheet.

After Sarah left, they spun the churner for a few minutes, then Jenna turned on the heat. They each had a cup at regular intervals to make sure it didn't turn into scrambled eggs, which would be a minor disadvantage in an eggnog, unless they were saving some for breakfast.

*****

Sarah poked her head through the creamery door frame. "Your mom says dinner will be ready soon, and the mousse is in the fridge. Why are you two laughing like idiots? Are you drunk?"

"Us? Never!" Olivia giggled, finished her cup of nog, opened her mouth and Jenna stuffed it with a spoonful of butter.

"Drunk? You can't get this 350-pound sexy body drunk that easily." Jenna slapped her belly. "Cheers," she clinked her cup with Olivia's.

"Seven and three quarters," Olivia said confidently. "Give me another spoon, just to be sure."

Sarah scratched her nose. "I remember yesterday you were only 340 pounds."

"Exactly! Since then, I've had two gallons of heavy cream and a half-gallon of 'nogegg', hahaha."

Olivia found "nogegg" to be the funniest thing she had heard all day. She wanted to text it to Sarah but then remembered with a slight disappointment that Sarah was already standing there. She took a big gulp from her cup and smiled at Jenna. "You know, cousin, I mean Sarah's cousin, I love the look of that huge belly dangling in front of you. But you definitely need to get even huger. Huger-er. Huger-er-er."

"Wow, getting drunk and eating butter for fun. Aren't you becoming a real party animal, Olivia?" Sarah grinned.

"Speaking of animals," Jenna said, "I'm not an expert but I think your fabulous roommate is going to end up fat like a fucking pig, mark my words. But shhh, don't tell her, okay? It's a huuuuge Christmas surprise, hahaha."

"No, no, no, no, no!" Olivia waved her index finger in front of Jenna's red face, trying to steady herself. "I don't want to be fattened like a fucking pig. You have no shame, Jenna. No shame. We are on a dairy farm. If anything, I'm going to be fat like a cow. No, I'm going to be fat like a whole gaggle of cows! Hit me with more butter!"

"Sure. Open wide..."

Olivia swallowed the greasy lump Jenna stuffed in her mouth and automatically opened her mouth for more. She didn't even have to use her own hands anymore. She could just sit and eat butter all day. It was the best job ever. "Eight," she said when she swallowed the last bit. She had no idea that texturizing butter required so much dedication.

"Fuck it. I don't want to be the only sober idiot here," Sarah sighed. She poured herself a cup and had a sip. "Congratulations you two. You've apparently managed to make it even more disgusting. How can you possibly drink this?"

"It's a part of the job. I need to stretch my stomach so Jenna doesn't need to wear an ugly wheelbarrow for Christmas. And I'm fairly certain it had something to do with you. So, basically, you should be thanking me.  You are welcome, Sarah."

"A wheelbarrow?"

"Yes, a big wheel in the front and two legs in the back. You put your belly in a bucket and carry it around the farm. Oh Jen, can I hold it? You said I could if the butter gets to eight." Olivia made puppy eyes.

"Fine," Jenna said, arching her back and rolling up her shirt. Olivia grabbed Jenna's belly with both hands and swung it from side to side, weighing it up and down. "That bastard is so heavy. But your belly needs to hang at least down here," she said, trying to slap her knees but missing it entirely, losing her balance and almost tripping over.

"I'm usually the first one on the floor," Sarah said, full of sorrow. She finished her cup, made a grimace, shook like an ash tree then went for another. "I'm probably going to get sick, but I really need this."

"No," Olivia turned to face Sarah. "What you need are huge boobs," she said, cupping her own sizable breasts and jiggling them. Her face then suddenly turned grim. "I wanted huge breasts too, but no matter what I eat, it always goes to my ass. My mom says that  if I'm not careful. I'll end up like all the women on my father's side. They all have huge asses. But shh, it's a massive secret."

Sarah burst out laughing. "I'm curious if this apparently closely guarded massive secret will ever be revealed."

"End of the week, tops, "Jenna said and leaned in closer to Sarah, whispering loudly, "I convinced her that the job requires constant eating of butter. By Friday, those jeans will be gone."

"I admire your infinite wisdom, cousin."

"Yeah, mark Jenna's words. Uh, the butter! Thanks for reminding me." Olivia jumped and swooped the spoon from Jenna's hand. She was getting really good at her job, judging by how tight her belly was.

"You go, girl, show the butter who's in charge." Jenna waved before turning back to Sarah. "Do you remember Emily? She used to work here a few years back."

"Oh, Emily. Didn't she get like super fat?"

"Bingo, that's the one. It certainly brings back some memories." Jenna nodded her head toward the corner where Olivia was just contemplating how to rank the butter in her mouth this time.

"I'd say nine. Damn, I'm good."

Jenna's phone beeped. "Dinner's ready. Hey, Olivia, you can switch off the texturizer. There's probably not much butter left in it anyway, so it's fine if we don't get to ten today. We'll try again tomorrow. Let's get you properly stuffed with real food. We can bring the rest of the nog with us for Sarah's chocolate mousse. Although I suspect we may need to bake it as chocolate cookies first. No offense Sarah."

"Ha, I'm way ahead of you. I had already set the oven to preheat when I was leaving."