Dystopian Billions - WIP Ch1-4
Added 2021-11-25 01:01:00 +0000 UTCThese are the first few chapters of a story I'v
Comments
I like this so far. It's winding up well. I can very easily imagine Derek transitioning from being very hands on with the company to focusing on higher level thinking, which means the 'officr drone' stuff will naturally be limited as he progresses. I see the spurts of genius with accounting and investigation being similar to how other characters have breakthroughs in your magic systems in other books. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't see it as dry or dull. Drawing connections is its own excitement and suspense, regardless of whether it's math or magic or relationships. Anyway. I can't wait to see where you take this. I imagine the punk side could very easily develop as Derek becomes acquainted with the slimy underbelly lurking under the corporate system. Or not. Lol.
Just Add Water
2021-11-28 05:09:55 +0000 UTCYeah, Kraen is more of a rival than a genuine villain. Derek's true opposition works at a higher level in Kreova, but I'm still unsure how to pace that particular plot (I know what it should be, and even have the major scenes and ending in mind, but haven't worked out how to connect it). I hadn't planned to use Erin's niece (she's seventeen, so too young to realistically use), but was on the fence about how much of a role to give Derek's office sidekick. I could possibly age up the niece and use her, instead of introducing a new character. The downside is that Juliet will suck up screentime related to business scheming once she becomes involved, overlapping with any office sidekick. Saving the niece for a potential apprenticeship role later might be wiser.
K.D. Robertson
2021-11-28 01:37:29 +0000 UTCI was super happy to see this make a return, as I enjoyed the preview when it was first posted. The addition of Kraen in the early parts feels nice, but I'd love to see someone soon who wants Derek to fail but is more hands-off about it. Kraen is an excellent hate-sync, but maybe not the best villain. I think the hardest part will be dealing with more of the story setting and background information. So far I'm imagining that Kara serves as his explanation of how to act (Lyra is another guide to high society, but Kara teaches him how to function at a higher level as far as thinking/scheming since she's familiar with a lot of the societal problems) and Erin's niece will join in shortly and be the person that Derek can talk at to explain his plans.
Ryuuma
2021-11-27 06:06:46 +0000 UTCI like it. I think you’ve done a great job on the characters and the world. Enough that I can imagine it all but not overdone. Will be looking forward to more of this.
Lindenshield
2021-11-25 05:18:52 +0000 UTC
