Cat Core 2, Chapter 23.

Chapter 23.

“Well, this is a pleasant surprise. It’s good to see a satisfied customer once again. I wondered where you had run off to, I had heard they said you were destroyed, but I knew you were a lucky purchaser of my soulbond elixir,” Bartleby said. The somewhat slimy salesman was not quite able to cover his discomfort over the situation.

“You forgot to tell me a certain little tidbit about that particular product, didn’t you?” Florence asked.

“No, did you experience some side effects? There was a rune placed on the vial warning that some side effects could occur. Something that powerful has some risk, anyone knows this,” Bartleby argued.

“Well, you’re going to make that up to me, aren’t you?” Florence said. The unspoken threat was there, but of course, this guy had walked out of more dangerous dungeons than hers. Still, she wasn’t going to let some two-bit huckster pull anything over on her.

“Oh, most assuredly, Bartleby is known for fair dealing. Dungeons and, um, homes, all over the world are my customers,” Bartleby said. She gave him credit for remembering her home was a home and not some creepy dungeon.

“We’ll see if that reputation is deserved or not, but before we start talking turkey, I must apologize for not offering you refreshments,” Florence said, summoning snacks and tea for her guest. It was one of the few things she could do while her dungeon was occupied, and Florence Valentine would not have a guest think that she had shirked in her duties as a hostess, even if it was a guest that she was still a little annoyed with.

“Thank you, that is quite thoughtful,” Bartleby said.

“You’re welcome, now do you mean to tell me that you were unaware that the product you sold, the soulbond goop, would erase my memory when it activated?” Florence asked.

“Well, I’ll be honest, yes, I knew that. Think about it, though, my dear Florence. If your choices are death or life with some memory loss. Most cores are just happy to be back, they don’t remember much, but they do buy the product again when I remind them that the elixir is what had kept them alive,” Bartleby argued.

“I do suppose your right, to some extent. Unfortunately for you, I didn’t lose my memory,” Florence said.

“Okay, I get it, and I apologize for my somewhat less than forthcoming description of my wonderful product. But how did you survive and come back as, well, you?” Bartleby asked.

“Well, that’s enough rehashing of the past, I assume you’ve got something in that bag that I might be interested in?” Florence asked, ignoring his question.

“Absolutely, I have everything a dungeon or home could need. From the sands of the Yawning Pit to the depths of the Sea of Teeth, I’ve collected the very best inventory,” Bartleby said, digging through his bag. Doug perked up, having already crept into the living room to see what was on offer. The little guy just loved shopping and Florence had taken him everywhere she could back on earth. He was still a bit put out that he couldn’t go into the grocery store, but they didn’t allow pets, even if they were core gem assistants.

“How about more of that soulbond goop? Do you have any that doesn’t require me to lose my memory if I get crushed again?” Florence asked.

“Sadly, no. You see, normally, I’d have no qualms about selling a regular old bloodthirsty dungeon a second dose, but I like you, Florence. I’m going to shoot straight with you, the soulbond compound only works once,” Bartleby admitted.

“But, hey, you just said you sold this to other cores after they had used it once,” Florence said.

“Yes, but only for the cores that I didn’t care for. There are some rather disreputable dungeons out there, not at all like yourself and your lovely home. If they get destroyed a second time, it’s not like they can complain about it, can they?” Bartleby said with a conspiratorial smile plastered on his face. She would have to be on top of her game with this one, all this hullabaloo about liking her was just sales lingo, and he was just as likely to give her a bad deal as he was them other cores.

“At least you're honest about your dishonesty, if that’s a thing. What do you have that won’t backfire, kill me, or leave a stain on my carpets?” Florence asked. Bartleby started removing things from his bag, placing them on the coffee table, and then even dumped a couple of large crates and a barrel on the floor. The cats sniffed at the items, curious as they usually were. To her horror, Doug jumped onto the table and started batting things off it and onto the floor.

“Doug! Mind your manners,” Florence chided.

“Oh, my apologies, I sometimes do that without even realizing it. I forget that most folks don’t understand that things always need to be knocked off high places,” Doug said.

“No problem at all, we all have our quirks,” Bartleby said. Returning the fallen items and pushing them protectively toward the center of the table. “Before we begin, I have a question. Do you still have those lovely doilies in your loot tables? They were quite the hit with my customers,” Bartleby asked. This guy had quite the scheme worked out, buying dungeon reward chests and selling them to normal folks in the cities.

“Yep, that hasn’t changed much. We’re still just kind of getting started up here, so I can’t tell you if there’s anything new,” Florence said.

“Excellent, just what I was hoping for. Now, for my first offering, I present to you a decorative item. A little something to liven up your home,” Bartleby said, removing the lid on a small box to reveal a gem-encrusted stone. Florence examined the item to see what it did.

Illusory home décor stone. These items are popular among the up-and-coming nobles who haven’t quite acquired the means to decorate their estates in the manner they wish. When activated, the stone will project one of several filters over the room, changing the visual appearance of the items inside to fit the particular theme selected. This is illusion magic and subject to dispelling as well as disbelief the longer a person stays inside the affected room. This stone holds the following three illusions.

1. Torture Chamber. Transform your room into a horrifying place of pain and suffering.

2. Disorganized mess. Transform your well-organized chamber into a complete mess with illusory debris piled everywhere.

3. Haunted Chamber. Your room will look the same as always, but something will be a bit off. Haunting noises and faint images of ghostly horrors will randomly appear.

This exciting item is offered today for the low, low price of $25.

“Who’d want that?” Florence said, unimpressed with the first item.

“Usually, nobody, but someone in your particular career path may have some use for it. This particular stone was created as a cursed item, the purchaser thinking she was going to transform some simple rooms into something lovely for those she wanted to impress. Instead of impressing them, a rival used this item to embarrass her to no end,” Bartleby told her, explaining the origin of the stone.

“Shoot, those nobles are as petty as some of them ladies at the senior center,” Florence said, thinking about a pair of ladies in particular who irritated her to no end.

“I believe we could use the third setting on that stone to improve the ambiance of Mortimer’s backyard. I should also mention that I disagree with your earlier statement, Matilda and Lulu at the senior center were lovely people and not petty in the least,” Doug said, knowing exactly who she was thinking about.

“Bah, you just like them because they slipped you treats. Okay, Bartleby, I might be interested in this, as a novelty item, not something I’ll pay good money for,” Florence told him.

“Understandable, it isn’t a particularly valuable item, so why don’t I give this to you, free of charge, as a way of apologizing for my earlier indiscretions?” Bartleby offered.

“That’s a fine gesture, thank you, Bartleby, what else do you have to offer?” Florence asked.

“Ah, this might tickle your fancy more than the illusion stone did,” Bartleby said as he pushed another box forward, lifting the lid to reveal a set of small figurines. They reminded Florence of the minis that she had used to play Dungeon Delve. The information on the figures was revealed in her interface.

Minor Figurine of Summoning. These figurines are concentrated one-use summoning spells. Triggering either a command word or gesture, these figures will activate, and the depicted creature will be summoned to fight at your side for thirty seconds. The summoned creatures will be somewhat weaker than their normally summoned counterparts as the process of creating the figurine saps some of their power. This collection includes the following.

1. Orc warrior.

2. Orc shaman.

3. One-legged ogre.

4. One-armed troll.

5. Displacer beast.

6. Fitzfizzle Zizzlefitz Jones, the gnomish inventor.

Start your deadly collection today for only $50 per figure!

“These could be useful, the only problem is that they seem to be, well, shall we say, distressed merchandise,” Doug argued. It was true, there were even two of them missing parts.

“Who wants to summon some ogre that will just flop around on the floor with a missing leg. I’m not sure I want to buy the rejects, but the orcs seem okay. What’s with the weird gnome guy?” Florence asked.

“I understand your concern, the ogre and troll are somewhat impaired but still deadly in the right location. Keep in mind that they are also cheaper, and a true troll or ogre summoning figurine would be quite costly to match their power. As for the gnome, well, I’m not sure, it’s a bit unique and was part of a larger batch of these I bought from a school of mages in the Karmark Duchy,” Bartleby explained. Doug looked over and gave her a small nod of approval for these items, she figured he was going to use them in some trap or whatnot.

“Okay, place them in the ‘we might want to buy if the price is right’ pile,” Florence said, eager to see the next item.

Bartleby next walked over to the two large crates and pulled a crowbar from his inventory to pry off the sides. With a thump that caused the defenders to jump in surprise, the sides of the crates dropped down. Bartleby apologized for the noise and pulled some pet treats from his bag, treats which her kitties seemed to like. They normally didn’t eat, being sustained entirely by her core energy.

“Hey, what did you feed my babies, they’re on a strict diet, you know,” Florence said, a bit annoyed. She hated when people tried to slip treats to Doug back on earth. They had no concern for his wellbeing, everyone knows that an advisor kitty, just like her defenders, needed to be on a strict diet to stay in top form. Now that she thought about it, Matilda and Lulu probably only fed him because they knew it would get her goat.

“These are completely harmless, and in fact, can be beneficial for defenders. I keep a good supply on hand to placate the less well-behaved defenders I interact with. Of course, your kitties are perfect ladies and gentlemen,” Bartleby explained, handing a small brown bag of treats over for Florence to look at. Tater, Midnight, Bhargath, and Baxter all looked happy with not only the treats but also the compliments.

Binkerlin’s pacification pieces. These treats can be offered to dungeon defenders to calm them and make them less likely to attack. Please be advised that these treats do not function on defenders you are currently engaged in combat with.

“Fine, don’t feed them too many though, I don’t want my babies getting sick all over the carpets,” Florence said as she took a good look at the strange contraptions that the crates held.

Andy and Skyler, Parakeet Battle Mechs, Level 5. Gnomish inventors combine technology and magic to create these incredible automatons to defend their homes. This duo is a matched pair, and their abilities are enhanced when they fight together. Gnomish battle mechs are a perfect way to bolster your dungeon defenses without taking up any of your precious defender expense. This pair of parakeets are on sale today for the deeply discounted, buy it now, price of $250. If you purchase pair today, a valuable accessory item will be added, free of charge!

“Oh, these are the same mech type as Kyo. I don’t much care for them being giant birds, but they could be useful,” Doug offered.

“Yeah, bird people are weirdos, but we might have a use for this pair. Why do they already have names? Who names robot birds Skyler and Andy?’ Florence asked.

“You have defenders named Cookie, Bob, Tater, and Spud. I don’t think you have grounds to complain regarding gnomish mech nomenclature,” Doug chided.

“Oh, and you’re so great at picking names,” Florence snapped back.

“Sounds like these will go into the purchase category,” Bartleby said, tactfully interrupting Florence and Doug’s argument.

“Not in the purchase category, we don’t have one of those, we only have the, we’ll see what kind of deal we can work out and the no way in hades categories. What else you got?” Florence asked.

“Just one more item for today, I found your home on my way back from a long trip, my inventory is a bit more depleted than normal. I should be able to return in a few weeks though, with a collection crafted specifically for your home,” Bartleby offered, gesturing toward the large barrel placed to the other side of the sofa.

Barrel of gnomes. This barrel can be used as a powerful trap or a last-resort defense option. Suspended inside are several gnomes who may or may not attack when they appear. The actual count of gnomes varies, but our new and improved barrel technology guarantees at least 13 gnomes per container. Buy yours today for only $100.

“A bunch of gnomes that may or may not do anything isn’t all that exciting. The last one you sold us was at least full of guys with rabies. They stunk at fighting, but they sure did go after them cultists,” Florence told him. In her previous home, the barrel of rabid gnomes had done some work, fighting the Avatar of Kunrax, but they just weren’t very good.

“I agree, this is the last thing I have in stock that matches your home,” Bartleby said, realizing it was a losing fight to try and defend this particular product.

“Well, what do you have that doesn’t match my home?” Florence asked, wondering if Bartleby was holding back the good stuff.

“Each dungeon, or home, is a unique entity. Some of the things I have in stock would be diametrically opposed to you and seek to destroy you, not help. I generally like to avoid killing my customers,” Bartleby told her.

“Sounds good to me, now, if that’s all you got, let’s get down to brass tacks,” Florence said, getting her game face on, well, she would have put her game face on if she still had a face.

“Very good, as you know, I’m interested in the minor reward chests, those offer the best value to my other clients, who do love your doilies. I do have to ask, it has nothing to do with our business here today, but it was bugging me. Why are your doilies knit and not crochet? My grandmother used to enjoy crochet so much,” Bartleby asked her.

“Why? Because I like to knit and that lady, Pearl Lamar, who did the crochet class at the senior center was an old bitty,” Florence replied. She still was sore over that lady trying to tell her that her stitchwork was horrible.

“Understandable, back to the business at hand. Here we have an amazing collection of items that are perfect for your home. Individually, these products would be priced at 130 minor reward chests, a great bargain as it stands. Today, for my old friend Florence, I’ll give you the entire lot for only 128 chests, a fine deal,” Bartleby offered.

“A fine deal for you, a total rip-off for me. You’ve got some decent stuff, like the birds, but the figures are mostly damaged, and the barrel is kind of dumb,” Florence paused to take stock of her finances. They had been maxed out, but she had been creating cats, decorating, and Doug was still working on traps. The balance was at $598.11 which equated to a maximum of 119 chests, given that they cost her five bucks each. She still had more to do in her home and couldn’t spend it all. “I’ll give you forty chests for the lot, and that’s only because you promised to bring me the good stuff next time,” Florence offered.

“Florence, Florence, Florence, I know you were upset over the soulbond misunderstanding, but that’s no reason to be insulting with your offer. Given that misunderstanding and in the spirit of friendship, I’ll give you an additional discount. I’ll sell you the lot for the low price of 120 chests,” Bartleby offered. She could tell he was enjoying the back and forth as much as she was, but while her initial offer was low, his was still way too high.

“I appreciate the effort, but why don’t we adjust the deal a bit. I don’t want the broken figures or the barrel of gnomes. Take those off the table and sell them to some other sucker. If you do that I can bump my offer to forty-five chests,” Florence countered.

“I can’t break up this lot of goods, and to give you the discounts that I’m about to propose, I need to get rid of everything. This is a once-in-a-lifetime deal, this entire, spectacular array of goods will be offered for the insane price of 110 chests. Even you can admit this is a fine deal,” Bartleby offered. Florence could see they were going to do a deal; Bartleby had lowered his price into the territory of it being almost reasonable. She figured he had a little more give in his price, so she’d try for one final discount.

“You know Bartleby, I think I’ll bump my offer to 90 chests, that’s all I can afford and if you can’t do it, then no hard feelings,” Florence said.

“I do believe that we’re close to an agreement, Florence. I’ll make one more offer, this is it though, no further negotiation or I have to take my leave. I’ll give you the whole lot for 100 chests, no less,” Bartleby countered.

“Deal, I’ll get to making the chests. While I do that, why don’t you let Doug here take you on a tour of our home, maybe that will help you figure out what goodies to try and gouge me on the next time you’re in town,” Florence agreed, closing the deal.

“A great idea, lead on Doug,” Bartleby said. He followed the little kitten around and seemed genuinely interested in her home, dutifully offering treats to each cat, but only one each, which was fair. Spud tried to swipe the entire bag, but Bartleby was too quick for him. Contenting himself with batting Doug around a bit, Spud took his one treat and settled down for a nap in the corner of the attic. Bartleby collected his reward chests, using the strange glove to place them into his bag of holding.

“Oh, before I forget, here is your free gift for the purchase of the parakeets,” Bartleby said, pulling another large crate from his magic bag.

“Thank you,” Doug offered as the man walked away, Bartleby waving as he stepped off the lawn into the tunnel. Florence hoped he would return soon with something really good, for now, she’d try to figure out what to do with her new purchases.