I’ve Never Dated a White Girl

My shift started off with Casey from Malibu. It’s not often I meet people who are genuinely from Malibu, the place where stars go for rehab with a beach view— where Justin Bieber crashed his car cruising along the PCH. Casey looks like McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy. He’s white with salt and pepper hair, and chiseled features. He comes up to me while I’m dancing on stage and whispers into my neck that I’m exactly his type. He says he saw me, and he knew he was in trouble. I ask him if he wants a dance. He looks at me with his pretty blue eyes and explains, “I’ve never dated a white girl before.” Great. He’s the owner of a website development firm. He pulls out a wad of crumpled $20’s and $50’s and tries to organize them like a toddler sorting triangle blocks from circle blocks from square blocks, trying to ram each option into the same square hole until finally the right block clears the complicated puzzle with a satisfying thunk. It looks like he’s never handled cash in his life. I ask him if he’s ever worked in the service industry. He replies, “No. Why? Do I look like I have?” Of course he hasn’t. Which should have given me a clue about what to expect. He booked me for a Skybox, then a half hour suit, and at the end he told me he didn’t have any cash left for a tip, but he would be back, because what we had was special.

Later that night, two white men came in and stood by the bar. One of the Russians went up to him and introduced herself, “Hi, I’m Olivia from Russia! Let’s go dance!” She grabs one of them by the arm and tries pulling him toward the dance booths, but he brushes her off with a, “No thank you, I can’t. I’m married.” Olivia laughs incredulous, “What’s the problem? I’m married too!” The guy’s friend pipes up, “We’re gay.” Olivia and I exchange a look and she replies, “Okay, you’re gay. Now kiss!” They’re dying. They didn’t expect it would go this far. She keeps shouting at them “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Then she turns to me and says “Kill them! Kill them! They are full of shit.” I felt like crying because I loved her so much.