Chapter 5: Operation Gullet

So far, all of Loudmouth’s plans had gone off without a hitch, but now, for the first time, he was stumped. While he was confident in defeating any warrior in single combat after Friend Alec’s excellent training, there was no such thing as ‘single combat’ when it came to Starmother, who was in fact a massive hive mind of Peilor.

As he couldn’t immediately think of a way to defeat her, his Friends wanted to sabotage the Voidcannon instead, so they could at least prevent the Peilor from abducting their home planet.

However, as they were discussing the details of a plan to do just that, Friend Alec made a wistful comment that would change the course of history.

“Too bad we can’t just use the Voidcannon ourselves, right?”

Loudmouth’s eyes widened, and he stared at his Friend.

“What? What did I say?”

“That it!” Loudmouth croaked loudly. “Can use Voidcannon to destroy Starmother!”

Once again his Friends were totally astounded by his astonishing genius. Loudmouth let their cheering and celebrating go on for an appropriate amount of time, before he called them back to order and set them all tasks.

The first thing they did, was go to Yog, the influential Peilor Loudmouth had captured, and ask him for more details about the Voidcannon’s capabilities. The interrogation was long and difficult, but Loudmouth managed to wring from him the Voidcannon’s most hidden secrets, including the existence of a certain red button in the Command Centre.

With the gathered information—and some help from Friend Dave—Loudmouth then proceeded to make the bestest plan ever: Operation Gullet.

Loudmouth and his Friends raced to do their preparations, but they still only succeeded just in time for the day of Earthshift. In fact, as he and Friend Alec approached the Voidcannon, mere hours were left to complete their mission. But as always, Loudmouth remained heroically cool under pressure as they approached the guards around the station.

“Halt!” the Peilor commander called out. “You cannot just—wait, is that Comedy King Loudmouth?!”

Loudmouth, looking very fly in his purple suit, said nothing, only giving a small, aloof smile.

Friend Alec quickly flew forward, wringing his hands and bowing deeply. “Ah, good friend, we know it’s sudden, but His Comedic Majesty would really appreciate a tour of your facility, if it’s not too inconvenient.”

“Hmm,” hummed the Peilor commander. “I’m not really supposed to give tours...”

“Well, His Comedic Majesty would appreciate it a lot,” Friend Alec continued softly, surreptitiously reaching into his pocket and producing a pair of tickets. “Can’t we come to... an arrangement?”

The commander glanced around inconspicuously, then had his host reach out and take the tickets. “Since it’s the King... You’ve got one hour.”

And as the commander bowed deeply to Loudmouth’s passing, he never even noticed the bulge in Loudmouth’s cheeks.

Everyone knows Hoig have the greatest mouths. Mouths that can fit tools and weapons, keep food from spoiling, and produce mighty croaks. And Loudmouth’s mouth was exceptional even among Hoig.

The moment he set foot inside the Voidcannon, he opened his colossal gullet, and forth sprang an army. Not only did his cavernous cheeks contain Friends Dave, Kaitlynn, and Emma, but also a horde of spirits they had brought along.

The final thing Loudmouth pulled out was his katana, which he placed on his hip.

“Attack!” he croaked, and his assembled forces charged.

As Loudmouth’s army fought the security forces, he casually strolled through the centre of the mayhem, redirecting the occasional attack with a flick of his blade. In mere minutes, they had taken over most of the Voidcannon. There was just a final pocket of resistance, in the Command Centre.

The first thing Loudmouth noticed as he sauntered in, was the button.

The beautiful, round, bright-red button was placed on a pedestal in the centre of the room. And guarding it, was the captain, a grizzly old veteran of a Peilor with scars on his reflective facets, mounted on a true mountain of a Hoig.

But Loudmouth was a hero, and did not fear either of them. As soon as he was done sizing them up, he drew his katana. However, right as he made to leap for the captain and crush the final bit of resistance to his victory, a wicked blade sprouted from his chest.

Under normal circumstances, Loudmouth naturally would never have been caught off-guard. However, the attack this time came from a source he’d never expected.

Flabbergasted, Loudmouth turned around, only to find Jacob standing there, with a twitching arm and a quietly horrified look on his face.

The Peilor on his forehead, Sudo, cackled maliciously. It would later turn out that she was a secret agent, who had managed to regain her freedom, and retaken control over Jacob.

At the time, Loudmouth couldn’t know that, and either way, in the heat of battle, there was no time to ask ‘why?’ So, with pain in his heart, he swung his blade, and slew the wicked Peilor and his Friend in a single blow.

Next, he pulled out the blade that had run him through, and once again prepared to strike at the captain.

Unfortunately, green blood was gushing out of his chest on both ends, and he was rapidly losing strength. So when he leapt, it was just a little too slow, and the captain managed to duck his masterful swing.

Exhausted and pained, emotionally as well as physically, Loudmouth slammed into a wall on the other side and slumped down.

Friend Emma stormed in next and started battling the captain in his stead, but to no avail. For all her prowess, she could only fight him to a draw.

As Loudmouth lay there, staring at Friend Jacob, at his little Tinyhead, a single tear spilled over from his eye. As it travelled down his cheek, he thought of all the good times they’d had together, and mourned.

More security forces came streaming in from the sides of the room, meeting Loudmouth’s army and Friends in the middle in a wild chaotic melee. Without Loudmouth’s heroic presence to boost morale, the tide was clearly turning.

But then! Right as his Friends were threatening to get overwhelmed, Friend Jacob’s spirit came out of his remains and drifted over to Loudmouth.

“Thank you, Loudmouth,” the ghostly apparition said, smiling down sadly at the fallen hero. “Please take good care of our Friends; they need you!”

And at that moment, the tear trailing down Loudmouth’s cheek past his ephemeral ‘neck’ and reached the wound on his torso, where his heart’s blood was gushing out.

Blinding light filled the room, and a sound like an angelic choir rang out. Once again, the Power of Friendship healed Loudmouth in an instant!

Loudmouth immediately backflipped over the captain and snapped his Hoig’s neck. Then he cleaved the Peilor in two for good measure.

The remaining security immediately threw down their weapons.

As his Friends cheered, Loudmouth slammed down on the big red button with his mighty fist, and it was totally sugary and super satisfying.

A deafening rumble reverberated through the Voidcannon as it fired a bolt of pure Void. The deadly projectile shot straight for Starlight Palace, then swallowed it whole, instantly killing Starmother, the Peilor Godqueen.

And that’s how Loudmouth became the hero and saviour of all Hoig and humans, and why you should definitely vote for him.

Loudmouth for president!

The end.

Epilogue

Loudmouth nervously licked his lips, his eyes darting back and forth between his Friends, seated on the various mismatched pieces of furniture in his little cabin, trying to interpret their expressions as they read his masterpiece for the first time.

Well, except for his maniacally grinning Friend Alec, of course, as the blond human had helped him with the editing.

Their reactions seemed mixed, but positive.

Friend Kaitlynn had a hand covering her mouth, and her shoulders were quietly shaking, which Loudmouth assumed to mean she was very touched and holding back tears.

Friend Emma’s face was pretty blank, but there was a muscle twitching next to her eye that Loudmouth made the cautiously optimistic decision to interpret as a sign of respect. She was absentmindedly rubbing her big belly as she read, which apparently contained Kirri now! Loudmouth was secretly a little worried about the birth, what with the mast and everything, but he was never sure how to broach such a delicate subject.

Meanwhile, Friend Dave was frowning, but with a smile. And honestly, he was usually frowning, so that didn’t say half as much as the smile, really.

Friend Jacob was hardest to read with the robot body the Peilor had made for him, so for a lack of better information, Loudmouth just assumed he loved it.

At long last, they all finished reading, sharing glances that seemed filled with astonished wonderment. Or something like it at the very least.

“Do Friends... like it?” Loudmouth croaked, trying hard not to sound too eager.

Friend Kaitlynn got up, walked over, and gave him a hug. “Loudmouth, you wrote an amazing book, and you should be very proud of yourself. Right guys?”

Friend Emma sighed, and put down her own copy. “It’s definitely amazing,” she drawled, before smiling at Loudmouth. “Good job, buddy.”

“We really should’ve seen this coming,” Friend Jacob muttered. “I should’ve seen this coming. Accurate account my—”

“I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” Friend Alec exclaimed. “This book is totally bad-butt!”

Friend Dave chuckled. “It’s certainly something special. Well done, Loudmouth.”

Loudmouth sank back into his chair, relief flooding him. Friends liked it! Probably didn’t even notice minor inaccuracies... Loudmouth is a genius!

“Now that we’ve got you all here,” Friend Kaitlynn started slyly, side-eyeing Friend Emma, “we actually had something to ask Alec and Jacob.”

Friend Emma rolled her eyes, but smiled and reached over to grab Friend Kaitynn’s hand. “Right, we did, didn’t we? I guess we might as well.”

“What? What is it?” Friend Alec asked perking up.

“We wanted to ask the two of you...” Friend Kaitlynn said, pausing dramatically. “To be Kirri’s Godfathers!”

“Godparents,” Emma said quickly. “She meant to say—”

Friend Alec squealed. “Yes! Yes of course we will, right babe?”

Friend Jacob’s mechanical face managed a pretty decent approximation of a smile. “Of course. We’d be honoured.”

Friend Alec jumped up from his seat. “Awesome! Ooh—We need to throw a party! There’s no time to lose; I’ll start working on the costumes, you start practising your Italian accent!” he exclaimed, as he ran out of the room.

Friend Emma groaned. “I told you to say Godparents, Kait...”

Friend Kaitlynn just laughed, rubbing her lover’s back. “You know it wouldn’t have made a difference, right?”

As Loudmouth sat there, listening to his Friends banter and tease back and forth, he once again quietly thanked the Peilor, for bringing them into his life.

Author's note:

Thank you for reading my entire series! ^^
It's been quite a journey, but we got here in the end.

Now, next Friday, I'll be posting the first chapter of my new series, but I just realised that's exactly the start of a new billing month on Patreon. So, in order to give you something to look forward to, I'll be posting a little teaser in a minute. Be sure to check it out!