Chapter 2: Friends

Despite all the scary stories Loudmouth had been told about the humans, he definitely wasn’t scared at all. Puffing out his chest, he strode out of the bushes.

“Humans!” he croaked loudly, “Prepare to face Loudmouth in honourable combat!”

The thought of striking some kind of sneaky blow from ambush definitely never even crossed his mind.

The humans were visibly shaken by his sudden, heroic appearance, but after a moment of deliberation, the taller of the two—the human Loudmouth would later come to know was called ‘Emma’—stepped forward, accepting his proposal with a deep bow.

Their battle raged on for months hours, and as is often the case with great warriors, they came to understand one another over the course of the battle without even speaking any words. Their punches fell like punchlines, their hits hitting home not in the flesh, but in the heart, the spirit.

Despite the differences between them, by the time Emma admitted defeat, human and Hoig had become Friends.

And since Loudmouth felt safe with them, and was so tired, he spontaneously decided to sit down against a tree and take a little nap.

When Loudmouth awoke, he was surprised to find himself inside the village. For a moment, he wondered whether he had somehow gotten into Chief Deathglare’s zirot wine and dreamed up the whole thing, but he quickly realised the hut he was in was not his own.

He tried to get up and leave, but his new Friends had tied—ehr—wrapped Loudmouth in protective vines. Not against any physical threats, but to prevent him from the psychological horrors outside.

For you see, near the village lived a colony of hallid. Terrible creatures that liked to hide in shells, and snip unsuspecting Hoig into pieces with their sharp claws. And these wretched things had clearly been paying attention, as they had chosen a time that Loudmouth had just happened to be away, to attack.

Apparently, it had been a real slaughter, and contrary to the stories he’d been told, Loudmouth’s new friends hadn’t arrived to kill or maim Hoig at all, but to help drive the horrid things off. Unfortunately, they’d only succeeded in doing so after the very last Hoig in the village had died.

They definitely didn’t slaughter the Hoig themselves or anything, you can’t just believe everything you hear! And even if they did, it was really the Peilor’s fault, because they’re the ones that made Loudmouth’s Friends do it!

Anyway, his new Friends soon came to Loudmouth to clarify all of this and apologise for not successfully saving anyone. Even though Loudmouth magnamimous... magmani... nagnamimalous...

Even though Loudmouth graciously forgave them, his Friends still felt super guilty, so they swore to protect him. The only problem was that they’d decided that the biggest threat to Loudmouth’s life, was his own heroic nature. They rightly feared he would rush out to avenge the villagers, attacking the hallid by himself in a murderous rage!

And thus, they’d elected to keep him safe in the hut, waiting on him hand and foot, while outside they worked on cleaning up the village, carefully and painstakingly consecrating all of the Hoig bodies according to the proper rites, before setting each of them adrift on their own funeral raft.

Only after several days, when Loudmouth begrudgingly agreed not to heroically throw his life away in a ceaseless quest for revenge, did they dare to let him out.

Only now, did he truly get to know all of his new friends.

There was excitable and creative Alec, the cook.

There was silent and wise Dave, the thinker.

There was stoic and loyal Jacob, the namer of operations.

There was friendly and warm Kaitlynn, the heart of the group.

And finally there was cool and mysterious Emma, the leader.

And together, they had gone on many fantastical adventures, and had earned themselves the title of Blue Dragons!

Playing around on the beach with his new Friends, Loudmouth learned more about them, and they all grew closer and closer. Finally, Loudmouth had peers, who respected him but were not so subservient, who actually dared to spend time with him.

It was everything he’d ever wanted.

Soon, he learned that the Great Six Walls were controlled by the Peilor, and that his Friends needed to complete certain quests before they would be let out. While they dutifully performed the many tasks the cruel crystals required of them, they secretly chafed under their yoke, and were preparing to break free of their influence entirely.

The problem was that one of the tasks set to them by the Peilor had gone awry. They were supposed to hunt the creepiest of all prey, the glimmering lights that lure Hoig to their death in the deep, to obtain a rather yucky-coloured crystal that Dave needed to grow his horns or something. Except by the time they tried to do so, all the prey had been hunted by Loudmouth’s fellow Hoig!

The crystal they needed was now in the hands of Grand Chief!

As his Friends bewailed their misery, Loudmouth heroically hopped up on a rock, the surf crashing majestically behind him as he declared: “Harken! Forsooth! Loudmouth is totally tight with Grand Chief, will get crystal for Friends!”

“Sugary!” they all responded, before congratulating Loudmouth on being such a bad-butt—which is a human compliment reserved for especially cool beings like Loudmouth.

However, when Loudmouth came to the castle... the guards wouldn’t let him in. Suddenly, Loudmouth understood exactly what was going on! And he definitely didn’t figure this out later when bingeing the second season of Humanity Unleashed for the third time.

The crystal that had appeared in Grand Chief’s throat was a Peilor! One who had come down to oversee the test for the humans, to make sure it wasn’t too easy. This is what had caused the sudden change in the Grand Chief’s behaviour, which had led him to shun Loudmouth, and break up with Chief Deathglare.

Enlightened, but empty-cheeked, Loudmouth returned to his Friends to break the news. They were all terribly distraught about the fate of the poor Grand Chief, of course, as they were all too familiar. Each of the humans was carrying around their own Peilor after all... in an eye-socket!

Still, Loudmouth was determined to help his Friends, and so he pulled Friend Jacob aside. For you see, Friend Jacob had suchadmiration for Hoig aesthetics, that he had transformed himself, removing his yucky hair and replacing his flaky skin with proper gleaming green Hoigflesh.

With his modifications, he could pass for a rather ugly Hoig with a tiny tiny head, and so a plan was born.

Loudmouth and the newly christened Tinyhead stole away in the night, and returned to the castle. On the way over, Loudmouth came up with a clever scheme: he could claim to have a message... from Chief Deathglare’s ghost!

However, when he got there, he found Bulging-Eyes to be on the wall, and the moment she saw him, she hopped down and opened the gate so she could tongue-wrestle him, and tell him how much she had missed him in his absence.

Hand-in-hand, they hopped to Grand Chief’s tower, but then they were stopped by jealous Strongleap—such a dick. Thankfully, Loudmouth had listened to Friend Alec’s stories about the human art of Kung Fu, and was able to channel his new knowledge and take the bully out with a single chop to the ‘neck,’ which is a special weak spot that can be found on the side of a Hoig’s torso, slightly above their arms.

Stunned by Loudmouth’s martial prowess, Bulging-Eyes fainted as well, so he and Tinyhead could quickly ascend the tower. They snuck in and found the crystal, but then! Betrayal! The Grand Chief revealed himself from his hiding place, and sent a dozen of his best warriors to attack Loudmouth as he took on Tinyhead!

Loudmouth fought fiercely, but against such overwhelming numbers, even he could not hold out forever. Eventually, one of the two dozen Hoplites got in a lucky stab, piercing through Loudmouth’s chest into his heart.

As green goop spilled out between shaking fingers, each defiant pump of the wounded organ bringing the end a bit closer, Loudmouth thought back to the time he’d spent with his Friends, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

But lo! As that tear rolled down, passing his ephemeral ‘neck,’ it started to shine brighter and brighter. By the time it reached the gaping chasm spilling his Lavi, it was like a miniature star, and when it touched the wound, the pain disappeared!

Loudmouth had been healed by the Power of Friendship!

With newfound strength he leaped to his feet, right as Tinyhead finally went down. As the Grand Chief stood over his Friend, charging up for a terrible bolt of lightning, Loudmouth roared.

His mighty voice blew away the Grand Chief and his like fifty Hoplites, and shook the castle to its very foundations. In fact, as the echoes of his roar died down, the castle continued to tremble, cracks spreading through solid rock, until the very tower they were standing in started to collapse beneath their feet!

Loudmouth quickly grabbed Tinyhead, whose ears were bleeding from his roar, and jumped out of the window. Through a series of indescribably incredible athletic manoeuvres, he managed to safely bring them to the ground somehow, and from there, he quickly carried his Friend all the way back to the village.

The rest of his Friends were flabbergasted to hear their epic tale, and exulted at the grand finale. The only disappointing thing, Tinyhead lamented after he came to, was that they hadn’t retrieved a crystal.

“What, you mean this crystal?” Loudmouth croaked, before reaching into his gullet, and producing the object in question.

His Friends were ecstatic. Dave grew out his horns that very night, and the celebration that followed was legendary.

All of them gathered around a massive bonfire on the beach, roasting snacks, drinking zirot wine, sharing stories, and making beautiful music. Loudmouth drank a complete barrel of zirot wine, all by himself, and still managed to croak perfectly in tune, definitely never going off key.

Of course, the good times couldn’t last. For now that his friends had succeeded in their quest... they had to leave.

Author's note:

We're going through events a bit faster here, because this is supposed to be a short story, not a whole seventh book. ;)

I hope it's still enjoyable! I'm having a blast writing it, at least. ^^