Oops, I Was Accidentally Transported To A Fantasy World And Taught Dragons About Capitalism - Chapter 3

There are generally three emotions that most people experience when seeing a dragon for the first time.

Fear, as you’d expect, is right at the top of the list, for there are simply few things more primally terrifying than seeing a gargantuan, serpentine beast appear before them, its presence all but screaming danger.

Next most common, and also just as understandable, is awe. Awe at the magnificent creature that graced, no, blessed, you with their presence, the smoothness of their scales, the gleam of light that reflects off of them and their polished claws. The grace in which their neck, body, and eyes shift downwards to regard what is unmistakably their lessers.

Lastly, if only because of the time needed for one’s brain to reach it, there is shock. The complete paralysis of movement, thought, and breath, as said organ simply throws in the towel and refuses to do anything when it realizes just exactly what it is looking at.

And like most people, I experienced all three of those emotions in exactly that order, with one very poignant, and lifesaving exception.

I farted.

Yes, you heard that right, and in case you didn’t, I’m going to say it a few more times. I passed gas. I cut the cheese. I let a big one rip. You get the picture by now, I’m sure.

And that is because instead of completely freezing in place at my impending doom, my twice shell shocked brain took one of the less frequently explored paths that human bodies had available to them in a situation such as this and rigidly tensed up. In the case of my lungs, and by extension my mouth, that resulted in a gasped “oh” as I looked up at at Xylera, the simple exhalation being all that I had to offer. However as for my stomach and lower region, that tensing prompted a wholeheartedly different result.

Which was to say the juiciest, loudest, longest, and slappiest fart you’d hear on this side of a Superbowl Party. The kind that would earn you high fives from your buddies and another beer, or a disgusted, worried look from your spouse, soon followed up by an appointment to a doctor.

Or, as was much more appropriate in my case, the abrupt widening of Xylera’s eyes as the noise started to echo throughout the cavern.

“Ah, what?” She exclaimed. “Did you just—”

But before the dragon could finish, she abruptly gagged and coughed, her eyes somehow growing even wider. However, instead of reaching forth to smite me as I absolutely deserved after such a potent delivery, the dragon shirked backwards an entire step and protectively brought a claw up to cover her face.

“By the scale…I’ve never scented something so…rancid!” She growled, pausing to gag one more time as she spoke, the cavern around me all but shaking as a result. “Please do not tell me that you just shat yourself in my presence! If you have, then I demand you dump your backside into the molten rock to char it off at once!”

It was with those words and the ground trembling beneath me that I snapped back into focus, I mean at least as much as it took me to realize what I had done and what the dragon had said.

“I…I'm so sorry,” the words all but flew out of my mouth as fast as my tongue could shape them, sounding oddly strange to my ear, but not in a way that I had the wherewithal to process in that moment. “I didn't... poop myself. You... just surprised me.”

But even despite my nigh miraculous finding of intelligible words to say, Xylera didn't reply immediately to me, her gaze simply continuing to regard me as if I were some sort of disgusting trash. As the seconds passed however, and the dragon backed up another step, her expression changed.

“I suppose that is fair. I am rather magnificent after all,” she stated, her face softening a hair as she spoke and her claw dropping down an inch a move that immediately prompted the scowl to return, and her wings to abruptly spread wide. “Ugh, no, that stench is still unacceptable. Do find yourself something to hold onto, will you?”

However ever as those words filled my ears, I didn't understand what the dragon meant, not until I saw the wings tremble ever so slightly before starting to move forward.

Then realization hit me.

“W-wait!” I shouted in a panic as dove down to my knees, hands scrambling to find any purchase on the mound of volcanic rock I'd found myself on. “Just wait a secon—!”

But Xylera, already far too overwhelmed by my actions didn't wait, her wings beating down with a thunderous force. A moment later, I found my not in substantial two-hundred and fifty pound body all but ripped from the ground and thrown into the air, no doubt to be splattered against the far wall. A fate that I just barely saved myself from thanks to my hand finding a perfect hand hold to stick itself into and keep me anchored to the ground.

Even so, it hurt. First as the wind cut at my eyes, spraying me with ash and heat, second in my hand which rubbed itself raw on the stone, and third, when I unceremoniously fell flat on my face when my body came crashing down. But despite that whole experience profoundly sucking, it was exactly what my brain needed to partially reset itself as Xylera started to speak once more.

“Ah, much better,” I heard her announce, my head snapping up to see her head descending down towards me. “Now where were we?”

Xylera’s head didn’t stop as it closed in on me, its proximity causing me to all but scramble—and then fall back onto my rear—leaving me looking straight up at her.

“Ah, yes, I believe that this is part where I take a closer look at the poor soul that has been so unceremoniously tossed into my lair.” She continued with a faint tone of amusement in her voice as she inspected me from all angles, her golden eyes shifting from one place to the next. “Pray tell, human, what have you done to annoy that wretched fae queen for her to cast you here of all places?”

But despite posing the question, the dragon didn’t give me any time to answer, continuing to speak without so much as a pause.

“She must have thought you quite the catch, a full grown man with such a powerful warrior’s build as you, all dressed in fine silks and cloth.” The dragon said, her eyes flicking from my now rather tattered and dirty dress shirt and down to my pants. “Were you a prince perhaps? Oh no, that’s too low a stature and wealth for her now. Perhaps a king, or even an emperor? After so long, I know her tastes perhaps even better than she does.”

It was a ramble that I simply had no chance of unpacking in the state I was in and the context that I lacked. But even so, as I found myself practically nose to nose with Xylera as her head snaked its way directly in front of me, I realized I had to say something, blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

“You mean, I’m not the first…she’s…uh, done this to?” I asked, this time noticing how strange my words sounded as they came out of my mouth. Not that I had time to do more than recognize it.

“The first?” Xylera replied as she repeated my answer, her head cocking to the side for a brief instant. That is right until it darted away and echoing laughter filled the chamber. “Oh my poor human, you are certainly not the first, nor the tenth, nor perhaps even the hundredth that vile harpy has consigned here. Just merely the latest.”

Continuing her laughter as she spoke, I saw the dragon incline her head to my right in an unmistakable gesture for me to follow, which of course, I promptly did.

Only to instantly feel my breath leave my body as my attention landed on a long row of half skeletal, half-mummified figures, all seated with their backs to the wall.

Now if it hasn’t been clear enough up until this point, I lived a rather soft life back on Earth right up until the moment the universe decided to twice upend it. I was safe wherever I went. I never had to worry about food. Or violence. Or unstable politics. Or really anything more complicated than making sure I had enough money in my checking account so that the bank could take whatever they needed to pay my bills.

And even that eventually stopped being a worry once I had come into my fortune.

So understandably, the sight of so many dead upset me and caused my blood to run cold, doubly so when I realized just how long that line stretched, it eventually vanishing into the shadows.

“I…uh…um…oh, wow,” I mumbled, my brain short circuiting once again as I scanned over the bodies, leaving me all but frozen for what felt like ages.

“Hmm,” Xylera eventually mused, the rumbling echo of her voice and fading amusement pulling me out of my paralysis and causing my head to snap back in her direction with a start. “Perhaps you are not an Emperor or King after all, that is if such simple deaths render you cold. Maybe you were a Merchant Lord? No, that would not explain your obvious prowess or stature, for they are all fat and sloth like. Tell me human, what are you? A would be hero? A forced champion? Something else?”

To this day, I still wonder what might have happened if had given Xylera a different answer way back then, if I had said literally anything different in the moments that had followed that question. Would it have changed the trajectory of my life after? Or would have things ended up the same regardless? In the end, I suppose it doesn’t matter given how things turned out. But, nevertheless I still wonder. Wonder if I could have maybe—

Whoops, sorry, got distracted there for a second and almost jumped too far ahead. Spoiler alert!

Anyway, bringing it back to Xylera’s question. I found myself staring up at her blankly as I pulled my attention away from the forgotten bodies of long lost princes, princesses, kings, queens, and other poor souls who had been kidnapped long before me and promptly said the first most irresponsible thing a person could ever say to a dragon.

“I, uh, well, I’m a Venture Capitalist.”

Yes. I know. I’m sure you’re all shaking your heads at me now and telling me just how big of an idiot I am. Believe me, I’ve done the same. All I can say in my defense is that I didn’t know better at the time. Well, that and the fact that I was dealing with a not insignificant amount of trauma from, you know, being kidnapped from my realm and all that.

In any case, please keep that understanding in mind, because as I just said a moment earlier, that was the ‘first most’ irresponsible thing I said to her. The second is still yet to come. Is it too early to say sorry again? Eh, I’ll do it anyway. Sorry!

Anyway, getting back to the task, what I said also had the benefit of being true, ‘Venture Capitalist’ is what my business cards had printed on them, at least those I had when I still lived on Earth. Even if it didn’t completely capture the full essence of what I did or was trying to do back then. Regardless and as you’d expect, it was a title that made absolutely no sense to Xylera. Or rather more specifically as I now know, it made no sense to the lingering threads of the translation magic my abductor had woven onto me, prompting Xylera’s eyes to widen as it supplied the closest analogy it could think of.

“You are an…Aurumancer?” She replied in a whisper, her entire body freezing in place as if she’d been paralyzed. “A gold mage? A Wealthshaper? A Fortuneweaver?”

Frowning at her reply, I wasted no time in trying to correct her. “Wait, what? That’s not what I—”

But by that point it was already too late, and the next thing I knew Xylera’s eye was but hair away from my face, its golden brilliance all but filling my vision.

“Pray tell, human,” she said in a suddenly urgent, even desperate tone. “What realm did that fae pluck you out from? What place did you call home before you ended up here?”

And like a fool, I answered her question without so much as a second thought her sudden proximity causing the words to escape my mouth before I even knew what I was saying.

“Earth,” I replied in a terrified whisper. “I came from a place called Earth.”