Where the Hell Have I Been, Loca?

(kind of a depressing post so feel free to skip, I'll post art after this one I swear)
CW: self destructive behaviour, drug use
TLDR; I'm in my Brat Summer era and unfortunately living a strangely sex filled life has made it hard for me to really have that artistic drive to create sexual scenarios in my art 😬

Hi everyone!

I know I've been basically MIA this past month and I wanted to give a little update on what I've been going through and what's to come. If you follow my personal/SFW Twitter, you may have seen some updates on my life there but this will ac as a full overview.

The main thing that happened last month was my Best Friend had decided to go to grad school which includes moving halfway across the country. He was a really key figure in me becoming comfortable with existing after the pandemic and when he chose to go it kinda hit me harder than I thought it would 😅

So, at the start of last month (July) I had decided to open up and venture beyond my established friend groups and meet new people - as a sort of preparation I suppose - and ended up in a brief but all encompassing situationship where I ended up spending basically every other day with the guy. It was nice to experience that closeness to someone but it quickly became too much of a time sink. I'd either be with him or be waiting to hear from him. It eventually fizzled out and left me feeling more alone than when it started.

Cut to my town's local Pride celebration (yes, in July, because Toronto has a strangle hold on June). It's the weekend before my friend leaves and NONE of my friend group wants to go out and celebrate?? I end up going out alone and honestly it was such an amazing evening. I met a bunch of new friends and met my current fixation and detriment to my health. A very cute, ex-military straight boy who, for whatever reason, like doing "things" with me 🫣

And by "things" I mean a lot of threesomes and hard drugs.

And look, I know that hard drugs are very very dangerous and please do not take this as me advocating for anything but my life these past few weeks has essentially turned into near non-stop partying, dancing, sex, and drugs. I've never before had this sort of... liberation? As a notoriously prudish and reserved person it's felt so amazing being able to finally feel comfortable letting lose, unashamed of myself, my body, my sexuality, my simply existing.

But the thing is, I used to take all those pent up feelings and desires and put it into my art. And now that I'm living this lifestyle it feels hard to conjure those desires into NSFW content. I had a similar issue in my late teens/early 20s where Id go out with friends often and my art was paintings of clouds and oceans and once I stopped going out I suddenly had so many ideas for SNFW art which is how I ended up doing what I do!

So now it almost feels like I can't have a fulfilling personal life AND a fulfilling artistic life at the same time. One always demands all my attention while the other suffers and the person who helped me find balance before is gone now. It's frustrating. It sucks. But now I have to find that balance on my own :/

And to wrap things up nicely, I incidentally am being forced to fin that balance because I'VE BEEN SICK THIS WEEK!! A Jim classic. I actually managed to get better in time for the weekend and then spent the night out at a bonfire and got sick again yay, I love my immune system so much.