Let me pick your Brain! - Part 4

Thanks for the feedback!

LunaWolve

Reads good. It doesnt feel wrong. Have no context how fitting it is with the rest of the chapter.

Bram Schoenmakers

Ok good that’s all I ask for haha

Thomas Downing

I'd like to see Thea maybe relate some of these abilities to what types they'd be in a game, like AoE, Area Denial, etc. I think it would also be interesting to see if maybe she'd have an idea about what kind of abilities would fill in her tool kit, what to spend points on, and also her passive. She hasn't used it. I think maybe mastering some kind of moving meditation like samurai so she can basically fight and meditate. Cool way to add some slight OP without breaking character balance.

J A.D

Definitely planned to have plot development as well! Can't have a full chapter just her sitting on a bench somewhere with nothing else going on, after all.

LunaWolve

I like the chapter so far! Having Thea analyze the opponent’s moves after fighting them is definitely something she would do, so it is in line with her character while also giving us a more thorough understanding of abilities as well. However I do hope that plot development also happens in the chapter. Like I don’t want the whole chapter to be just Thea reflecting on the fights. I would want something else to happen in the full chapter, like the guy in charge getting them started on the individual fights for the top dogs or something. Maybe end the chapter after Thea gets in the ring with her first individual fight? That’s just an example though. If you want to wait a couple chapters for more combat that’s up to you. I just personally would like to see some plot development happen as well. Chapters that just have info/ MC reflection are usually not the most thrilling to read lol but you have never failed to deliver so far so I have full faith in you making an interesting chapter! Good luck and keep up the great job! 😊

Thomas Downing

That sounds awesome.

The Lost Pages

Good pointers, thank you!

LunaWolve

Just a couple minor grammar errors jumped out at me. "...deeper, dive" -doesn't need that comma there (the previous one was correct, but this one isn't breaking up adjectives. Dive is the subject of the verb) "There's Abilities" should be "there're" or "there are." Other than that, it read exactly like someone with VR experience trying to break down their experience and comprehend it in a way they relate to.

Kyfe

I have indeed! There's 2 more chapters of Practical, 1-2 chapters post Practical, then Warfare 101 for 2 chapters, then likely 1-2 chapters of equipment/ability purchases, then GP101 with another 1-2 chapters. We'll go straight into assessment after that, with a large section of Boots-On-The-Ground with Alpha Squad. That's the general outline, but things might change here or there.

LunaWolve

Love the chapter. Has a great flow and a fascinating bit of information that doesn't feel like an outright info dump. Have you decided what direction you are going to take for the next dozens of chapters?

The Lost Pages

Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad to hear you've enjoyed the recent CQC fight chapters!

LunaWolve

Thanks for the feedback! Definitely planned to speed things up very soon. We only have to get through the next 2 lectures (Warfare 101 and Galatic Politics 101), to get the basics out of the way. After that it's straight to Equipment/Ability shopping and into the next major assessment with Alpha Squad for a bunch of chapters of Boots-On-The-Ground action. Once they're back from that assessment, things will be measured in weeks/months moreso than day-to-day as we have now.

LunaWolve

So far so good on the flow it feels natural. The ability descriptions are good it allows for some inventive ability stretching, like the shadow ability has a small area of effect so it could be used to hide a few people on stealth missions. I don't know what to plan for the future but I would use the next few chapters to expand the world's lore and give the info you want but I would start speeding up the time passing as you get past the first test mission or your gonna get a lot of unneeded bloat. You might want a few chapters to get more detailed information across about the state of the world what training entails and potentially what abilities they develop/earn. I'm not telling you how to write but it can be very easy to get bogged down in the day to day of Thea's life and that gets boring quick if things aren't moving fast enough. But that's not bean a problem so far you've hit it pretty much perfectly

Samuel Arbon

I like how descriptions don't always do justice to the abilities. That way our heros need to theorycraft and analyze themselves. Stat/ability dumps often sounds great to me. I love rechecking her stats/abilities. I read ends of magic and really liked the approach there with all that data at end of chapter under spoiler tag. That darkness ability seems so insane for iron rank... 5 metres is soooo big! Ps. I really liked the ccq fights, they are very exciting.

Fixed on the re-write! Thanks for the heads-up, lads!

LunaWolve

Agreed, "drifting off into her own thoughts" sounds a bit off here. Something along the lines of "realizing she was going off on a tangent" would sound better to me

The optic disk does shrink with increased Perception, until it disappears entirely at higher level of Perception. Thea, during her Sensory Overdrive, does not have any blind spots in her vision, as a result. What Thomas said is accurate here. Thea is capable of taking in the information from her eyes moving at full speed, even while they're moving (high Perception removes the limitation of moving eyeballs being unable to send data). There'll come a point where she gets hard-capped as to what she can physically perceive with her eyes, during Sensory Overdrive, if her Dexterity and Strength does not grow accordingly, as the eyes will simply be too slow, compared to her ability to perceive things.

LunaWolve

It's actually both! Lumiosia is the name of the planet, but also the name of the capitol city of said planet.

LunaWolve

True, was under the impression it was the city name. But I'm not sure if that's ever made particularly clear.

Critical Hit

"Back on" if it's a planet

BenjiVoid

Well our eyes already move incredibly fast, so my guess is that with boosted Strength and Dexterity they can move so fast that most people don't have the Perception to take advantage of it. So even with her base 5 Per, Thea isn't able to use her maximum eye speed, but when she uses the ability she can.

Trasen56

Well, the weird thing is that her ability only increases her perception not her dexterity or strength. So she shouldn't be able to move faster at all. I suppose it could be that the eyes just fall under the Perception stat even though its muscles that move them and the like, so they get sped up with it.

Critical Hit

I would imagine Thea's eyes move faster, so she still has that happen, but since her eyes and brain are moving faster it doesn't feel different to her. Though I wonder if her stats get high enough she wpuld be able to process the information when the eye is moving as well. Bro imagine if you were fast enough to be able to stay in someones blind spot during a fight.

Trasen56

It does feel pretty natural, if Neural interface does what the name implies maybe add the word "mental" somewhere in the description. maybe something like "Description: Allows the participant to mentally connect and manipulate nearby electronic devices up to a certain tier without requiring a physical interface themselves. Once connected, interaction will happen through mental commands. This Ability requires Line Of Sight to activate." Possible just a personal preference but still. Regardless without the change it is still easy to read and easy to understand.

Pearce

Actually that brings up an interesting question. When you move your eye you go blind until it stills again. Your brain just... kinda makes you think that's not the case which is why you don't really notice it. Does Thea not have to deal with that? And if she doesn't is that a System thing such that no one else has to deal with that? Similar question regarding blind-spots and Perception, everyone has a blind spot in each eye where they have no rods or cones called the optic disk. Does that shrink or otherwise go away or is that always there for people with the System?

Critical Hit

Very much what Thea's thought process would be like, so yes! That's the perfect way to take it.

LunaWolve

It read like she is a gamer trying to figure out the logic behind the abilities and not a fighter that have just faces these abilities in a life or death battle. If that’s what you are going for

Haran

Does it feel natural? Seems natural enough for someone like Thea yeah. Do you see any issues? Only one new one. "Realising that she was drifting off into her own thoughts once again, Thea refocused her efforts on getting the analysis done, before Lt. Eifang announced the next steps in their Practical." What is her anaylsis but her own thoughts to be drifting into? Extraneous, unrelated, or the like thoughts might work but her own would only really fit if she was back in class or a social setting. Is it repetitive or boring? Not particularly Is the information easy to understand? Yes Do descriptions need to be added or updated? Seems fine. Would you consider this a welcome break to the constant action of the recent chapters, while keeping you invested in the current on-goings of the Pratical class? Yes, I haven't been the biggest fan of the melee action scenes so far. Would you want the Ability descriptions to show up in more segregated ways, or are multiple Ability dumps like this preferred (multiple in a row vs one here or there, every couple chapters)? I am always good with seeing system prompts.

Critical Hit

Good lord that sounds utterly terrifying! :O

LunaWolve

Looks good to me. I wonder if Thea were to use Astra's ability while using her own, if it would be extra disorienting for the opponent. Every time Thea has used her ability she has been able to look around everywhere to check for threats, imagine having to deal eith that much eye movement without the slow down effect.

Trasen56

Aha! I knew I missed something! Great feedback, that's definitely correct.

LunaWolve

‘I remember Line Of Sight from some games back Lumiosia… back in Lumiosia

Critical Hit

Alright so, first thing that jumps out at me. "‘It’s also interesting that there’s Abilities that take both Stamina and Focus at the same time… I do wonder how the cost is calculated, actually… The two Abilities I’ve seen so far were around the 50-60 cost, but this one is at a combined 80. Is that because that’s just how the Ability was priced, or are hybrid-style Abilities more costly by default…?’" Doesn't seem to include any information regarding the Eyes of the Stellarch ability she was shown in the lecture a few chapters ago.

Critical Hit