Welcome To Eltingville Series Plot: The Renaissance Affair

Here's the last of the unused plots that were part of the Welcome to Eltingville series bible. This one was something that I had in my files for possible use as a comic story. It's another "Josh vs the Club" bit but written large, as they are dragged along in a bitter feud between two warring nerd camps, all of who are carrying homemade weapons. It's the biggest and messiest of the proposed plots and I would have wanted this one to be a series finale because of its mock-epic story. I would have found was to include most of the cast, this thing calls for Jane as a witch, Ward and Ironjaw as elves or dwarves, and Joe's customers spread between the two camps.

I noticed I named a character "Joe Klingon" here and that would have had to be changed to differentiate him from Joe, who also appears in this story. I'm surprised I didn't catch that at the time. "Johnny Klingon" or "Jimmy Klingon", something on that order. Doesn't matter now, of course. I also noticed some things I would have not used or would have toned down if this was written now. Using ethnic names as part of a joke Klingon language, for one, made me wince to re-read twenty some-odd years later. And I feel bad enough about the constant fat jokes in Eltingville as it is. Even if the Club is supposed to be cruel, it's an easy, often lazy and unnecessary direction to take (I'm surprised I don't get called out for it as much as I probably should have, to be honest). We grow as we age, one hopes. There's other ways to try to be funny.

Anyway, hope you've enjoyed these glimpses into what might have been if the series actually happened. Now, for your reading and imagining enjoyment, here's...

THE RENAISSANCE AFFAIR

The Eltingville Club is preparing to go upstate to the Renaissance Fair. This involves making homemade "medieval" armor and weapons, so they may be able to join in the medieval mock battles, a la those Society for Creative Anachronism yokels. But amidst the revelry Josh stuns the others when he announces that he's not going to the Renaissance Fair this year. Instead, he's signed up for Klingon Camp that weekend. Josh is branded a traitor, and after a last traditional fight, is thrown out of the Club.

We follow our zeroes as they go off on their respective little adventures -- Bill, Pete and Jerry, in their god-awful clunky outfits, take us on a tour of the wonders and idiocies that is a Renaissance Fair. Elves. "Hilarious" court jesters and performers. Overweight lusty maidens. People talking fake "ye olde" talk, all overly courteous and friendly. Creepy Jethro Tull types. Fortune tellers and theatrical witches. Mud. The horrors of filk singing. Dust. More mud. Cornball "ye olde" humor and events. Crappy Shakespeare, chintzy Chaucer. Freaks, geeks, and ye olde weirdos, all stinking up the real estate.

Meanwhile, Josh is being inducted into the ways of the Klingon race. This is even worse than the Fair, because all these nutjobs are done up in Next Generation leather armor and chocolate pudding makeup. As is Josh, our little Klingon newbie.

Through Josh we get to learn a little about the Klingons, such as Klingon eating habits (McDonalds, beer, sno-balls, etc.) and Klingon mating rituals, where size-plus men and women in crappy makeup and clothes batter each other while grunting like stuck boars, rather than actually necking.

Josh is initiated into the Klingon ranks, and begins Klingon language instruction. Klingons at Klingon Camp normally only speak in "Klingon language", which for our purposes will be laced with "Tupac Shakur!", "Deepak Chopra!", "Chupa chups!", "Gingko Biloba!", "Gymkata!" and "Caboblanco!". No one really understands each other talking that crap, so they have to resort to "Terran" (that's English to us non-dreamers) and guidebooks often. We just may have to subtitle the sputtering, spitting muttonheads. The Klingons are also translating "great literature" into Klingonese -- mainly Shakespeare, L. Ron Hubbard and Anne Rice, and Josh is even treated to a Klingonese production of Kiss Me Kate for his rip-off sign-up fee.

We cut back and forth for a while between the two camps, racking up the gags as we explore both worlds of shame. Gary the Dirtbag and Fat Sal and his entourage are also at the Fair (Sal is enrolled in the royal joust with his scooter), while we find Comic Shop Joe dressed up as a Klingon. We also get to meet the man known as "Joe Klingon", a local legend who has spent years getting reconstructive surgery so he can actually become a Klingon. Finally, we see Josh being taught Klingon warrior techniques, while the others are being trained in medieval fighting for the big skirmish.

But wait, here's the plot twist! It turns out that both camps actually border one another, and that there's been bad blood between the two groups over the last few years. Klingons have vandalized tents and Fair signs, while elves and knights have vandalized Klingon campsites. As night begins to fall, Klingon Josh is brought along on a Klingon raid for an initiation ritual, which is to knock down "elf stuff". Just as the Klingon spies reach the dividing creek between the two camps, a bizarre jousting accident at the Fair (involving Lord Fat Sal and caused by Pete) sends a port-o-potty containing Bill rolling down the hill and into the Klingons. Bill raises the alarm and clanking knights and wizards and elves rush down to his aid. As the Klingons run away, Bill and Josh recognize one another. The Fair folk manage to capture a Klingon knocked unconscious by the rolling toilet, and hold him hostage. The situation grows tenser as night falls, with Klingon and Royal Court messengers running back and forth with threats of action. Finally, the inevitable happens:

The Klingons go to war against the Renaissance Fair.

And as we all know, war is hell. But geek war, in homemade Klingon and wizard and elf costumes, is a hell this world has not seen before.