Process: Comic Book Guy "Brushes With Greatness" + BONUS FEATURE

Her'es what one of the scripts looked like for the entries in the Comic Book Guy's Book of Pop Culture. Enjoy, and please, stay in your seats until the end of the post. There's an extra after the script is over.

BRUSHES WITH GREATNESS - 2 pages 

(INTRO) As both pop culture connoisseur and purveyor, I often rub elbows with the leading lights of film, television, graphic literature, and, of course, horror movie makeup. Here’s but a sampling of the industry icons I have met. Don’t you wish you were me?    
 

(VISUAL) A series of Polaroid snapshots of various “brushes with greatness” (perhaps with descriptions written in marker below the image, if they’d fit), with some straight text descriptions mixed among them.    

1. (VISUAL) - CBG W/FEEBLE, NEAR-DEAD OLD MAN ON OXYGEN SUPPORT at a con table. CBG giving a “thumbs up”. Behind the man’s table is a blown-up, grainy photo of a Star Trek scene, with a vague head circled with an arrow leading off, reading, “ME”. A sign reads, “AUTOGRAPHS - $10) 

(DESCRIPTION) That’s me with Ken Delaney, who so memorably portrayed the third Klingon on the left in the classic Star Trek episode, “The Day of the Dove”. 

2. (VISUAL) - CBG slobbering over BUDDY HODGES in a hotel lounge, Hodges ignores him as he chats up a busty groupie in a villain’s costume. (DESCRIPTION) Here I am getting Buddy Hodges, the original Fallout Boy, a double Irish Coffee at the last Fan-tasy Con in 1999. He tips quite nicely, by the way.
 

3. (VISUAL) - CBG in the middle of the fight at Bi-Mon Sci-Fi Con from the Simpson’s Episode w/MARK HAMILL. CBG is not near Hammill. 

(DESCRIPTION) I was hit by a guy dressed as a Jawa who hit a guy dressed as a Tusken Raider who punched Mark Hamill (dressed as Luke Skywalker) at the infamous Bi-Mon Sci-Fi Con riot. 

4. (VISUAL) Wrestler ROB VAN DAM landing hard on CBG in the first row after flipping from the ring. Other members of the crowd all tumble away and fall beneath them.   

(DESCRIPTION) Rob Van Dam and I met at an ECW house show. True, we didn’t have much time to talk, but we definitely connected. 

5. (VISUAL) (CBG on hands and knees, “we’re not worthy” worshiping a beaming STAN LEE, who ignores him while talking on a cell phone) (DESCRIPTION) Stan Lee once spent a good long while in my shop. I haven’t washed it since. Nuff’ Said.
 

6. (VISUAL) (HARLAN ELLISON attacks CBG w/ a bottle of seltzer as convention staffers dressed in Stormtrooper and Cylon costumes try to hold him back) 

(DESCRIPTION) At SFFHCBAA CON ’87, genius author and raconteur Harlan Ellison rudely insulted me after I asked him about his Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea script, then threw a seltzer in my face. I fished the bottle out of the garbage and recently sold it on e-bay for $15. Methinks the last laugh is on Mr. Ellison.
 

TEXT-ONLY BRUSHES WITH GREATNESS:
 

1. Gore make-up expert Tom Savini made a disastrous appearance at my shop resulting in my first (and worst ever) heart attack.      
 

 2. I caught a glimpse of William Shatner outside a hotel in New York City. Then my stupid binoculars fogged up, and after I wiped them clean, he was gone.    
 

3. One evening I called Adam West to do an appearance at my shop. He hung up on me, but not before we exchanged some choice words. An incredible moment I will never forget. Too bad he’s since changed his number.

4. I once happened to be behind Lynda Carter’s home, by her garbage cans. She came out with a hefty bag. Our eyes locked. It was magic. Then came the police and, well, my cousin who’s a lawyer says I can’t say any more about it.   
 

5. I met a guy who I thought was Sean Connery. Only it wasn’t him. Still, it was really close.
 

6. I stumped comic book superstar Kurt Busiek on a Silver Age trivia panel at the San Diego Comic-con in 1990. I bet he’s still burning.   
 

7. Lucy Lawless. I’ve met her on several glorious occasions. And let me tell you, she can hit quite hard, just like Xena.    
 

8. Back in the 80’s I traded bootleg H.R. Pufnstuf tapes with the guy who played Boomer on Battlestar Galactica.
 

9. I met the guy who ruled the panel borders and erased the pencil lines on the first issue of Radioactive Man where Satyr Master appeared in his third costume (#76). I thought I was going to have an aneurysm; I was in such abject awe.   
 

10. I spoke to Bruce (Evil Dead) Campbell on-line once. At least he signed his chat room messages “Bruce Campbell”. He typed “kewl” a lot. Still, I’m pretty sure it was indeed he. 

End

BONUS FEATURE!

I didn't remember using the name "Satyr Master" in here, it's taken from an obscure line of action figures called, wonderfully -- Satyr Masters ("From Abyss"). They're not exactly bootlegs, but the feeling that they were made to fool grandma into buying something sorta like The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for little Tommy is strong. They are gloriously inept and slapdash. The sculpts are horrendous, the card art is awful, the weapons seem pretty gritty and violent-looking for an "Age 3 +"  toy, and the names of the characters -- the names --! Well, see for yourself. Just don't take a drink of anything while you read them. They are precious. 

These things are infamous in hardcore toy collecting circles, apparently. I've been contacted by people looking for information on the line or asking to buy the one I own whenever I've posted about Satyr Masters (From Abyss). I have the one that's circled and colored by Stephen DeStefano on the card back (pictured below). Stephen found these one day in a corner bodega when we were starting work on Instant Piano in the early 90's. He bought five figures, one for each Instant Pianist. Robbie Busch thinks he still has his. Stephen might still have the one he got for himself. I should ask Mark Badger if he kept his. I have no idea if Kyle Baker held onto the one he was given

I will never give up my Satyr Master. From Abyss.  

There are only two things I dislike about Satyr Masters (From, Oh, You Know Where). 

One -- I want more of them, and I doubt that's going to happen in my lifetime. 

Two -- I will never write anything, draw anything, manage to produce anything -- funnier than Satyr Masters.

From Abyss. 

Enjoy.