Descriptions are Hard
Added 2023-05-06 19:31:51 +0000 UTCHello!
I'm working on a particular description in Mist's office that... has been giving me some trouble. I got to a point where it's not bad, but I'm still not entirely happy with it. I was feeling a bit lost, but then I remembered: I have wonderful people on Patreon who can help me a bit with this!!! I hope you don't mind lending me just a little bit of your time.
So, I'm trying (and failing) to describe these candles β because omg look at them. Beautiful.
My question for you is: does this description give you even a general idea of what's in the image? If not, could you explain a bit why? Like, it's not clear what they are/ where the flames are coming from, etc.
Thank you all in advance! π
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Three candles line both sides of the desk, but these are candles unlike any you've seen before. If it wasn't for the soft, orange glow emanating from the inside, you'd think these were little statues instead.
The wax is perfectly sculpted to form a woman's bust. All six are identical, sharing the same headset with beige hair curling along the hairline. Their necks are long and elegant and ease onto two sharp collarbones. But it's their eyes that hold you captive.
They're hollow but not empty. A flame burns within, melting the wax from inside and spilling it through their eyelids and down their cheeks. They're weeping, all six of them.
Each head is turned purposely to face whoever sits on the opposite side of the desk. You feel the weight of their stare, crying tears of hot wax as flames eat away at their form.
Comments
For all the ROs would any of them be comfortable fucking in a public place? And I gotta ask.... Would Hadrian ever have sex in a cathedral XD
Nessy Lovegood
2023-05-27 16:02:16 +0000 UTCThis isn't the whole room description, it's really just the candle part of the entire thing π
Anathema
2023-05-08 15:24:13 +0000 UTCMaybe spend more time on the atmosphere of the room/moment? I can imagine the candles easily but I'd like to have a more visceral feeling of emotion.
Reed
2023-05-08 15:22:55 +0000 UTClooking at the picture, maybe describe that the top part is lights up around while the bottom is dark, looking at the description i couldnt really tell if these candles give off light since the flame is within
Jam
2023-05-08 00:32:28 +0000 UTCThe small room is scarcely lit. The only source of illumination comes from twin sets of wall-mounted candles, three to a side, flanking the plain desk dominating the space. On closer inspection, each individual candle is a miniature bust of a regal woman, their pearlescent gazes all set to fall upon those entering. Juturna comes unbidden to mind though you don't think that is right . We're it not for the soft glow emanating from them, you would think these well made statuettes, their milky forms perfectly carved from mother of pearl perhaps. Beige curls frame her forehead before blending smoothly into high cheekbones, a long elegant neck, and sharp collar bones. It is the eyes, however, that demand your attention. They are hollow, empty save for an ember heart that beats in time with the dancing flame within. Rivulets of molten wax spill down the statuesque cheeks, lending the illusion of crying as the fire within consumes it's majestic form. You shake away the unexpected weight of their gaze, finally turning to face the person occupying the desk.
ABear71
2023-05-07 21:39:31 +0000 UTCI think for future reference itβd be better to have the picture last and ask if you pictured something like it, because while initially I was like βyea this description seems fineβ I felt like I had to interrogate my initial response to make sure I wasnβt just thinking that because I already knew what it looked like and my mind was backfilling any incomplete information.
mika
2023-05-07 01:29:42 +0000 UTCI think the poll would have worked better if youβd given us the text first and then asked βwere you picturing something like this?β Once I saw the picture I went looking for those candles in the text and I found them there. Would I have done so without having seen the picture? Maybe. It is impossible to be sure.
KZVL
2023-05-06 23:26:49 +0000 UTCI think instead of "woman's bust" I'd change it to "bust of a woman" to indicate it's the type of statue, not boobies.
emelsi
2023-05-06 22:36:25 +0000 UTCI like the comparison to the crown! I didn't want to write too much about how it makes you feel - because different romanus may feel different ways, so it's always tricky to evoke emotion in non-choice text but I'll keep your advice in mind!
Anathema
2023-05-06 22:07:11 +0000 UTCThat's great advice! I wanted to keep the tears for last for the dramatic reveal, but ill try to play it the other way around and see how it goes
Anathema
2023-05-06 22:04:48 +0000 UTCI tried to do that but couldn't figure out how π« maybe I'll do separate posts.... thank you!
Anathema
2023-05-06 22:02:54 +0000 UTCThank you! Lots to think about. I think I'll remove the part about the headset and the hair but I do believe that the fact that they're identical add to the unsettling feeling of it. But I'll try to make it more... eery π
Anathema
2023-05-06 22:02:01 +0000 UTCI can definitely picture the candles but almost want to say I wish the description included more about the emotions the candle evokes. It looks pretty haunting but also ethereal, and the headpiece looks almost like a crown, giving it a regal or opulent appearance, making the overall look of it more unsettling. Maybe something like that could be added? Though I don't think it absolutely needs it and may not even be the way it looks to someone else.
Emily M
2023-05-06 22:01:13 +0000 UTCWell pointed out. I'm not sure I'll describe the headset more, since my aim isn't to describe the candles to the very last detail - so maybe I'll remove any mention of the headset
Anathema
2023-05-06 21:59:37 +0000 UTCVery true. I tried to think of a way to hide the picture under the text somehow but there's no option like that on Patreon :/
Anathema
2023-05-06 21:58:09 +0000 UTCI'm the same π I wish there was another word I could use instead of bust but I'll just have to hope people get over that first knee-jerk impression xD
Anathema
2023-05-06 21:57:18 +0000 UTCSeeing the picture first probably helped, but I'd say the description is working just fine to convey what the candles look like. This is just my personal opinion, but maybe try starting the description with the eyes and the wax tears? It is the most striking features of these candles, and maybe it can help give off a more mysterious/unsettling vibe? Like at first you don't quite understand what you're looking at, and then comes the realisation that these are candles, and you can start to pay attention to what they actually look like. (That being said, I also understand keeping that feature as the latest descriptor, for a more dramatic reveal! It makes total sense. But maybe switching things around can help find what feels best π)
Lauriane
2023-05-06 19:55:23 +0000 UTCI don't know if it's because I've seen the picture first, but description was great. It was exactly that candle. Maybe in future give us a sneak peak of the text and picture under spoiler or something like that ;)
Marty
2023-05-06 19:43:39 +0000 UTCI think you should keep the focus on the impression the candle give. The detailed description might put the importance on what the candle looks like, and the reader may have a detailed picture in their mind, but I'm not sure this might convey the unsettling feel one gets when looking at the real image. The eyes, the tears and the weird impression they give are the most important thing I think. The current description does convey this, but the parts on the hair, the fact that they are identical, etc. may move the focus away from it just a little bit.
Dr. Pierre
2023-05-06 19:41:29 +0000 UTCMajority of the description is perfect to me , my only problem is that I can't imagine the headset . I think a tiny descriptor on that would help me a little but other than that it's perfect
Reese
2023-05-06 19:38:42 +0000 UTCHappy to be of help! If you ever find yourself needing a little support like this again, I hope you reach out to your fans again - I think you may get the most "honest" answers by giving the description before showing the image, since we already had a good idea of what it should look like going in. Side note: these candles are dope.
Mark-Christopher Hanna
2023-05-06 19:37:41 +0000 UTCThe word bust always confuses me whenever I see it in this context. But I think that says more about my dirty mind then it does about the description. After I got it sorted though, I thought the written description matched the image perfectly
Rue
2023-05-06 19:35:46 +0000 UTC
