hey everybody!

the tldr; i am very mentally ill right now (if you follow me on twitter. you have almost certainly guessed this 😭😭) but i am getting better!! i will not be able to keep up with early access audios or patreon exclusives for an indefinite and possibly permanent period of time. my patreon will exist solely as a manner to support me in helping me continue to do this as I post audios publicly to Reddit or Youtube as is appropriate for the content.

this is so fucking long i'm sorry 💀💀

i've offered (or will soon be contacting to offer) a personal explanation to those who it is pertinent to! and while i try to avoid any sort of bias towards those who support me financially not out of a lack of appreciation, but simply because it feels inconsiderate to those who may want to but don't have the means, i do think the support warrants some detail on my situation as it affects how I will operate here!

over the past few years, my mental health has severely degraded. i have a good support system that includes professional support, i have had largely successful and positive experiences with medication, and the 'negative' effects of my more recent diagnosis are well managed for the most part.

there are certain dysfunctions related to focus, executive dysfunction, time management that I did not have to deal with in the years prior, and identifying those issues in the first place was an issue and realizing they were going to be persistent took even longer. the bulk of what I am figuring out at this point is the remaining unmanaged issues and medication side effects and how to live with them.

as i said, I will have to live and operate differently in most areas of my life because of this situation, to be frank! as one example, there was a point I was leaving my house once a month, and a couple months where I don't believe I was able to do even that. This isn't a plea for sympathy, nor an excuse, but just a clear explanation of the severity and hopefully provides clarity on the why's of how my patreon will operate moving forward-

some creators manage schedules very well, they have a weekly date with which their early access audios go out, a date they go public, consistent patreon exclusive audios, and I think all of you deserve that for the support you provide me. I cannot provide it, it seems, as hard as i've tried! if you do not feel you would like to continue your support without any immediate benefits, that is ENTIRELY understandable, as it will function solely as a method of support for my long term ability to make what silly stuff i do.

i don't want to follow up with this as a type of guilt tripping, just well deserved appreciation. i literally would not be able to do this without all of you, because as infrequently as I upload, I LOVE doing this. I think about it every day and I worry about the idea of ever having to stop doing it. I enjoy learning about all the technicalities of microphones, I love getting online every day and typing in "m4a asmr" and sorting by new to see the latest stuff!

I love learning to like my voice and hoping to help other people like theirs, I love making content that fills a void I want, and getting to feel connected with people who are kind enough to comment and spend their time with that work and find something in it that we can share, whether its something intimate or platonic or silly or primal.

I'm bad with personal connections, and I can't handle very many, so small gestures of humanity and connection, even if very distant, are meaningful to me. I'm often not able to return the energy others give me, and I've had to put myself in a walled garden for my own sanity lately that's intensified that.

i always explain it as.... there's very little of me, and the more i put into one thing, the less i have for another, and that's very impactful when you don't start with much. the more i give in personal connection, the less i have to give to my audios. and again, i literally would not be able to manage having a job and making audios, and I say that from experience. I don't really know how to do anything casually, and I don't have the energy for more than one thing, so my life tends to center around one thing- its been a hobby, its been work, its been college, and now its... I guess, my job again, and also my hobby?

I've always found it very hard to be just salem, and not Salem™ while i've been a creator, so again. i don't really want sympathy, I don't think it's helpful nor necessary for me here, I don't feel bad, I just want to be more open! I want to share this stuff because honestly, it's been very hard getting through some of this it. and, maybe, some of you are going through some hard things too! The world is pretty hard right now, and while I am not All Good and situations externally are.... well. as they are. I guess I'd like people to have some connection in knowing they're not struggling alone, as cliche as that sounds. I'm not comfortable sharing some things that I would like to share, eventually, because despite my discomfort, I think its bad to talk about mental health issues without talking about the grimy and difficult and ugly parts of it, I don't want to share a sanitized experience and risk others feeling like they're a freak for experiencing things they haven't heard others talk about. If some of my newer videos seem extremely niche; that's why!

Now, all of this rambling will not matter to 95% of people, they are concerned with the audios first and foremost, and that's the nature of makin stuff on the internet. That's okay! I have never expected anything more and always appreciated whatever time or consideration people give to what i've made.

Love you guys even if it seems like its from very far away!!

(jesus christ i can yap huh)

salem