Learning Day: Sissyneck's Alpha Brain

Hey folks how we doing I know the tribbalations are piling up out here, hard sometimes to keep our chin ups isnt it? Maybe it aint very patriotic but I know for me as time passes i’m becoming more of a aficionardo of the Europeans call: la siesta. Not too long, just a lil bit of rest my eyes and give my mind a break from all these world decayins happening around me. But what sometimes is a lil frustratin is that duing a nap or even my night-time sleeps I’ll get to where I’m dreamin and: there I am with a brain what could imagine anything at all, like I could fly and be invisible or there’s a school bus trapped under a giant corn dog or i could dissolve in identity and time to be a continental plate engaged in centuries-long shared consensual geological frottage with my neighborin plates, just any number of lovely fantasies really. But what does my brain give me instead? Stuff like: my work is in a new building and there’s bees in the elevator, or my work e-mail dual login says it needs genital photo confirmation, or the corn dog is cold. A terrible waste of both a nap and a beuatiful mind, if you ask me. So maybe Im not alone in wonderin, well maybe by now we’ve mastered the technology promised us by all those 80s movies and we can learn to CONTROL our dreams (but not have them invade real life please I am not ready for that).

So my scholarlie per suits taught me that there is a clinical name for dream control what is: Lucid Dreaming and theres all sorts of people on reddit saying they did it but there advice seems backward, like they say your supposed to keep asking yourself when your awake: “Maybe Im actually dreaming right now?” which doesnt really seem super or effective or responsible really. When i tried it i tended to miss my bus stop and end up walking a lot more, which aint all bad i guess on a pretty day but also the roadkill smells carry pretty far during the summer here. So I kept searchin for more reliable and scientific sources and eventually uncovered a pretty well hidden part of the internet (that’ll take a minute to load) upon which when I watched it I saw therein exactly the answer I had sought!

You can guess how excited I was to enact the indacated scroll and to share the answer to Lucid Dreaming with the entire civilized world and also you guys! You can scroll through it on your own with link up there or if, like me, you presently got a bad case of the mallet finger, you can simply watch the gif version of it I have preparationed for this very article:

Whoa im feelin a special enlightenedment tingle in my forebrains already. But hold up a second just because something is fun to watch on a screen doesn’t mean its good actually, I got to do my due diligence here and look behind the music. What, or who, exactly is this Alpha Brain, if that is there real name?

Ah ok so we see Alpha Brain is made by a outfit called Onnit, which, in a happy coincidents, is what I holler back at back my boss when he hollers did i clean my chef boyardee out of the breakroom sink yet.

And at the time this magnifacent lucid dream ad was made, Onnit was founded and headed up by one Aubrey Marcus, good to meetcha Aubrey:

The “very successful exit’’ part was when he sold Onnit to Unilever but dont worry im sure Aubrey wrote up the terms of sale very smartly to make sure there would be no corporate innerference in his disruptive holistic health philosophy. Geez this is another guy who it looks like we could do like 3 hot dog articles just on his output alone but lets keep out cognitive focused here everybody we cant get distracted, we're so close to Total Dream Control!

Alright maybe just one lil peek at his poetry:

This poem was pretty good I learned that Gaia loves me much more than vaccines and my so called doctor, which I coulda guessed that, Im startin to think he doesnt even do anything with the stool samples I bring him, he calls ‘em “unsolicited” which thats just how they dazzle ya with their med school talk. Anyway back to how do we learn to dream that its us bein so courageus and facing down Jareth the Goblin King except its our mean PE teacher?

Ok ok, but first just a quick look at Aubrey’s cosmoerotic humanism, you guys convinced me!

Well that was VERY disappointin i have to squint REAL hard for that graph to be even a little bit sexy you can see i kinda fell asleep highlightin that one. Alright thats enough of Aubrey i guess let’s get back to DREAM PILOT instruction:

Physical laws need not apply! That means that in my dreams I’d NEVER have to stop after just one can of those Miller Lite pringles. That other one I don’t really get though, “Objects will disappear after waking”. Like my real stuff will disappear? Well I dont need to be replacin any more lost phone chargers, Maybe I need to learn a bit more of the empiricle foundation of how alpha brain works. Lets see is there anyone out there who has used it and can tell me more about it?

Ok excellent, the young man on the right there is who were talkin about his name is Joe Rogan he has a show I never listened to it myself but Im told hes a real funny stand-up comedian and also because hes very underground and not mainstream you can trust him on stuff like health advice. And guess what its very fortunate that he is also a scholar of the human conscienceness AND he happens to be a Alpha Brain user!

Hell yeah, like he says he uses cognitive function for almost all of his activities so thats good. I do find it a bit strange that he doesn’t mention the, in my ‘pinion, much cooler lucid dreaming effects of this magical powder:

It helps you kick ass in your dreams! See for me thats good ‘cause instead of having spaghetti limbs when I dream I have to fight the something on the wing thing from the twilight zone the movie, I would be strong and firm of arm when I dragon punch that slimy bastard back into the lightning storm from whence it came. Goddamn, why is it so slimey.

But I guess Im puttin my own bias in here, Joe probably is already strong and secure and satisfied in his dreams and real life too, so its understandable that he loves Alpha Brain very much because it helps him do good with HIS most important task of all:

Yes from what I can tell Joe talks even more than he uses his cognitive functions so maybe he prioritizes talking good over amazin dreams, to each their own i guess. One thing Joe and I still agree on though is that were not gonna take any of this just on any ol’ bodys say so:

That’s Explosive Joseph himself posting on i dunno even what forum back in 2012, puttin his money where his mouth goes sayin: We’ll test Alpha Brain with the full blast of science and if it says it dont work I’ll stop sellin it. I think this is pretty good, theres lots of things I would dearly love to be true (like sasquatch is on the spectrum) but just because to me some things Just Make Sense, its still probably good to test em outside of my own opinions as best we can.

Yeah exactly see we’re gettin closer here it says alpha brain is designed to do a chemistry that um venn diagram um a guy moved his eyes around in the way we told him to even though he was totally asleep! Ergoe: Lucid Dreaming is Real and also Alpha Brain makes you do it. Well personally i think they could have used other more interesting examples from the Lucid Dreaming research to support the idea that its a real thing, like this one where they said practicin darts in your dreams makes you better at it in real life:

That one is from Psychology Today (which, thats the website LaRene and I used to find a encrapreses therapist for Trayton when he was little and honestly she helped alot) so this is probably legitamate, right?. That part does give me a lot more questions than answers though like: how did they contaminate the dreams with those distractions? Did they hook all the dreamers up to a special The Shining person who was somehow psychically pushin women and mean characters and nasty dolls into the dreamosphere!?

Yeah exactly. Well I found the original study and shame on you Psychology Today staff writer it doesnt say anything anywhere about women with dartboard heads or mean characters or nasty dolls taking the darts away, it looks like she just made all that stuff up! She wrote this up back in 2017, so I dont think we can blame that one on AI, maybe she just had a minimum word count situation (aka: the Reverse Sissyneck).

Well this confirms it for me how you need to look at the actual studies instead of just what people say they say, so lets take a gander at the research they did to show Alpha Brain is real. I mean, they did pay to do a study on it and Joe dident stop endorsing it like he said he would if it was fake so…

Uh oh the clinical study isent up on the Onnit webpage anymore, more like Offit I guess haha, maybe they got a new hard drive or something. Thats ok i have library access and a never-give-up attitude, I found the study anyway, lets put on our cheaters and take a look:

Huh well I invite you to check my work but it looks like they gave one buncha folks alpha brain and a different bunch just sugar pills and did 26 different tests about memory and thinking and there was only 1 test where the alpha brain folks did better in a way that couldnt be accounted for by chance. 2 if you do stuff your stats teacher tells you you shouldent. But thats still pretty good, right? It would only be $105 dollars to pay for 45 days worth of Alpha Brain and every little bit of extra Brain RPMs counts, right?

Yeah see how good that blue line is about California Verbal Learning!? That definitely looks like it would help Joe talk real smart oh except that test is only about if you can remember a word you saw earlier on a list and also…

…it looks a little different if you don’t cheat makin your graph. Oh and also there was at least one test where sugar pill people did BETTER than the alpha brained folks.

I guess I got some bad news for the wives who are buyin Alpha Brain off instagram to fix there disappointin husbands.

Shame, really. Think of how many nice lil Baskin-Robbins dates that money coulda bought instead.

Well but wait my non-supplemented brain got distracted were supposed to be talking about Total Dream Control here, surely Alpha Brain still does that part right? Let’s take a look at the evidence

What the hell thats not really anything. I mean don’t get me wrong, I admire Stephen King as much as anybody but him saying dreams are like a mirror isn’t anywhere close to me being able to queue up a dream where i live on the little prince planet except Im a majestic space stallion so i dont even need to catch a comet to travel the universe I can just escape the gravity well with a single leap of my powerful hindquarters. You might as well just put any of King’s other quotes about dreams up there.

Folks Im gettin discouraged again lets look at the final part of this hidden scroll perhaps they saved the answer we seek for the very end.

Oh my god even when they do get to the wet-dream part its just basic-ass action-movie bullshit, c’mon I dont need pills for that one, I can fall asleep to a Andy Sedaris movie for free. Where’s the imagination!!? Alright thats it, now i’m pissed, enough of this Broprah horseshit get me the 1900hotdog legal dept. fax number please in the name of jesus christ amen.

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