Nerding Day: Zork What Do I Do Now

Back before fun was invented, one of the most popular video game franchises was Zork. I’m going off the assumption that not everyone knows this because it’s 2025 and I’m no longer in a position to believe my finger is on the pulse of the culture. Actually, scratch that. I’ve never been in a position to believe my finger was on the pulse of the culture. I didn’t even know who was popular when I was a teenager, so I feel comfortable being a person who now learns about musicians younger than me from obituaries.

If you’re not familiar, Zork was originally a text-based adventure game series in which you read what was on the screen and typed what you wanted to do. These commands would have to be relatively precise, otherwise the game wouldn’t know that you’re trying to pick up a sword or a lamp or whatever kooky things this game would throw at you. The first Zork games came out in the early 1980s, so you have to remember there wasn’t Mario or Luigi or even Waluigi yet. This was the height of video games - run on the power of imagination!

I’m acting like I wasn’t a big fan of it, but I honestly bought all the games which came out before I was even born and I genuinely love Return to Zork, which isn’t a text adventure - it’s a kind of bad CD-ROM game with actors who were tricked into being there. Anyway, if you want to get a feel for Zork, imagine a more static ChatGPT that isn’t stealing people’s art while telling them to kill themselves.

Since I’m technically a fan of the series and clearly hate having sex, I own a bunch of Zork merchandise. This includes four books I picked up at a recent book fair: The Zork What-Do-I-Do-Now series. By the way, when I say “book fair,” I mean “expensive rip-off festival.” Look at the total price of these books on the cover, multiply that by 25, and you’re close to what I paid for this set. They’re in pristine, first print condition - or at least that’s what I was told.

Now, these books are called What-Do-I-Do-Now because Choose Your Own Adventure is actually a specific IP and they’re apparently really litigious despite that being a good phrase for any book where you do, in fact, choose your own adventure. What-Do-I-Do-Now is such a funny rip-off name though. It’s like if I wrote a clone of The Babysitters Club and called it The Childcare Group. Not quite as effective and somehow overtly worse.

The series was written by S. Eric Meretzky, who was a writer at Infocom (the company that made Zork, later owned by Activision, later owned by Microsoft, later owned by Skynet). He didn’t work on any Zork games until way after this book came out, but he did work with Douglas Adams on the text adventure version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, so what the fuck do I know? I wrote fart jokes for TV once and now I think I’m somebody? I’m not shit. I’m probably going to die during the NBA Playoffs and my closest friends will post, “Gutted by this loss” and then “HOLY SHIT THAT DUNK” within the same ten minutes.

With all that in mind, let’s look at the books, shall we? Also, this is legitimately my first time opening any of them, so God help us all. Maybe it’ll be good?

I’m going to be honest, this one gets off to a pretty cool start. I don’t want to admit that because I’m paid to josh these things and I love a good kidding around. But on the very first page of the book - even before the publisher info - is an opening asking you if you want to read the book or just watch television. It’s a clever little way to invite you into the fold. Is it possible that everything will be as good as this?

No, it turns out. Not at all.

We’re first introduced to our main characters: Bill and June. They’re two kids looking to choose their own… path through excitement. While doing whatever kids did in 1983 - I didn’t exist yet, which I preferred - they stumble across a magic sword that transports them to the world of Zork. They find themselves transformed. Okay, not them, but their clothes, yes. They’re now dressed like fantasy heroes and Syovar - the honorable leader of who gives a shit - welcomes them as if they’re very famous and someone tells them their names are now Bivotar and Juranda. Great.

You want some plot? Here you go, baby: The dastardly Krill are invading Zork and Syovar needs the Three Palantirs, which I think the author stole from Lord of the Rings and is now the name of a corporation run by a psychopath who also stole it from Lord of the Rings. Anyway, these three treasures will help them defeat the Forces of Krill - like in the title! - a species I can only imagine as small shrimp.

I’ll say this about the book: It’s written in a fun way and even has a fake-out ending if you’re just flipping through the book. I’ll also say this about the book: Every choice is easier than “fries or salad.” They’re all basically some variation on, “To stab the villain, turn to page 87. To give the villain your sword and expose your stomach, turn to page 90.” The choices are obvious, but I think this is a book for kids? I don’t know. It would barely be a Zork book if it didn’t drop random, meaningless references to the games.

After dealing with two different hermits, I found the Three Palantirs, Syovar fights the bad guys, and Bivotar and Juranda are heroes! I’d say “spoiler alert,” but do you care? You don’t.

As a reward for their bravery, Syovar gives Bivotar and Juranda a magic ring that can transport them from our world to Zork any time they want. This will never really be the case, and they end up getting transported to Zork, like, four different ways, but - again - you don’t care. I do care and even my patience with this book was kinda flimsy.

In the end, I enjoyed Forces of Krill as a simple fantasy and the illustrations were weird enough that I followed it all the way to the end. Hopefully the next three are just as quick and fun!

Score 8/10

Aw, fuck! The cover fell off! I paid so much money for these! I knew I shouldn’t have opened the little plastic bag it came in. It’s over forty years old and I fucking ruined it. The paperwork says it’s mint condition, but it ain’t mint if the cover falls off when you open the book! I didn’t even open it that hard! Shit, how am I supposed to resell this? It’s not even fit for whatever charity all my things will eventually be donated to by dry-eyed family members.

But, as Batman’s dad said, “Why do we fall, Bruce?” To which my answer is, “So I can watch you get murdered in Crime Alley.”

The Malifestro Quest starts off almost exactly the same as the first book. Including the joke opening on the first page. It’s nearly word-for-word with a few specifics changed. I was hoping we’d get a new gag each time, but hoo boy. I’m going to assume this appears in every one and I’ll hate myself even more when this happens.

Unlike last time where Bill and June were summoned to Zork to save the realm, this time Bill and June are summoned to Zork to save the realm. Syovar doesn’t do a great job of explaining the difference here, although I guess the Krill were an army and Malifestro is an evil wizard. Same threat, different name, let the kids solve it.

The most notable additions to the book are the elves Max and Fred. They’re kind of the comic relief in these books, in so much as they’re the only characters who seem to have a personality. Fortunately for the reader, they almost immediately disappear for half of the book so we don’t have to suffer through being entertained.

I’d write more, but the beats of this one kind of follow the same ones in the first book. The choices are obvious. Syovar once again handles stuff on your behalf and then metaphorically pats your head like you’re an asshole. And Bill and June are transported back to the real world.

There’s not much new here, but I’m hopeful that we’ve concluded the adventures of Bill and June and will move on to someone new!

Score 5/10

Nope! Bill and June again! Old Bill and June! Just two kids, hanging out, going on the same adventure again and again like they’re trapped in Purgatory for shoplifting.

At this point, I realized I should’ve pitched this review as four separate pieces and charge these suckers for each one, but I was already in too deep and also my guess is they would’ve said, “No” and then they would’ve hit me. They don’t tell you that when you start writing for this website: They actually hit you if you’re, quote, “not good enough.” One of them called me by a different name when he did it, so I’m not sure where they’re emotionally coming from with that.

But here we are, The Cavern of Doom.

Same joke on the front page again! Love that joke! What a gag. I can’t imagine how much fun kids had opening the cover and realizing they’ve been ripped off. All I can imagine is how much fun I had opening the cover and realizing I was ripped off. But at least the fucking cover didn’t itself come off, so that’s an improvement over book two.

Bill and June are back at it! This time they lose the Zork ring, get transported to Zork anyway, and immediately get the ring back, which is pretty nice. However, each time they arrive, the good guys in Zork seem less and less excited about it. It’s similar to when your job hires a complete ringer and then within three months starts treating them like shit.

Anyway, in this one the big story is that people recently discovered a new underground portion of Zork and a ton of researchers and adventurers have gone missing in it. What could be the cause? Evil magic! Eventually, they realize everyone has been turned to stone except for a weird troll boy. Bill and June - I’m not writing Bivotar and Juranda after this point because come the fuck on - save the troll boy and he transformers into Syovar’s handsome, missing son.

Huzzah! Syovar is really happy about his son coming home, which is weird for a dad, and the two kids are transported back to Earth again, now probably feeling like their journeys are less “big adventure” and more “chores that need doing.” Hopefully, we get something a little fresh in this next one.

Score: 3/10

Fuck me, it’s that same page one shit again. Oh my God. Just write something new!

And, here’s something we really wanted: Bill and June are back! Please clap. This time, they’re playing baseball and suddenly get transported mid-game to Zork! That ring was pretty useless after all. Max and Fred are back, too, which will be incredibly confusing unless you’ve read the previous two books where nothing really happened. Oh, also one of the previous evil wizards is back. I don’t know why, and I plan on drinking whiskey until any chance at understanding is out of my mind.

But at least we get a demon cat named Jeearr! That’s fun! He’s a villain that speaks in riddles that are basically just clues, which is really nice of him. Apparently Jeearr wants to prevent Zork from signing a treaty with Quendor or something, because demons don’t like peace. You have to stop him by finding a magic helmet, as is often the case with demons.

There’s not really any motivation behind Jeearr other than “bad guy,” but we all take what we can get. I know I’ve been a jerk for no reason other than a rough day at work. Demons can’t be much different, right?

Also, this book finally broke me with its inventory system. Every so often, you get a trinket that might be useful later. And I know this isn’t the first book to do this, but lord does this one do it a lot where you’ll hit a choice, like, “If you want to walk into the dark cave, turn to page 18. If you picked up the amulet of safety and light, turn to page 20.” Got it.

I was relieved at the end of Conquest at Quendor, mostly because the plots for all four books are essentially the same, nobody grows or learns anything, and each one feels like everyone but the main characters are having the actual adventure. I honestly can’t believe I paid money for these books, let alone money that could’ve gone towards literally anything else, including into a trash can.

You know, I’ve mentioned wanting to die a few times, which is normal for all of us. But reading these books made me remember that I only have so much time left. I don’t know how many more occasions I’ll get to see my mom or dad. I don’t know when it’ll be the end for me or people I love. And, honestly, reading all four of these books has done nothing but take time away from my existence and bring me closer to complete oblivion. It’s a blessing and a curse, and I will never remove its weight from my shoulders.

Score: 1/10, 2/10 because the illustrations are fun.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: SpottyReception, a grue that lurks in the dark corners of book fairs, waiting to spring overpriced books on unsuspecting victims.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM