Teamworking Day: God Vs. Cats Part 1

Liddy: Alright, we’re going to settle this once and for all. Who gives better dating advice, Christ or cats? My good friend Sissyneck and I like to have philosophical conversations about the big stuff. You know Death, Destiny, Despair, sorry, I’m just listing characters from Sandman. You understand what I mean. We decided to make one of our classic buddy convo’s available to the people of Hotdog. This one is about love. We’ve each chosen a book on the topic that we feel is worth discussing. Sissyneck brought The Way Of Men With Maids by MP4 Pasta. The cover looks like a YA novel, so I’m going to assume there will be smooching and dystopia overthrowing in it.

Sissyneck: Yes Lydia I am so glad to be here in this teamworking situation with you today, it is a honor to find myself sittin here in your All My Children-themed writing den what you have made so cozy. Your correct that our friendship conversations are very special and probly pretty much necessary for us to share with the world to heal what I have been told is just a full-on epidurmal of lonesomeness. Yes its hard out here but like you pointed out, Jpegg Lastima is here to take us gently by our delicate hand and handsomely guide us with a torch of Christfire to Love. Which is something you WIN at, by the way.

Liddy: Great point Sissyneck! Always prescient, my friend. I’ve chosen an equally important book. Dating Tips For Women: Finding Love the Feline Way With Advice From Cats. It’s the only dating book available on Amazon whose proceeds go toward spaying and neutering cats in Bansko, Bulgaria. Something I know we both feel passionately about. None of the cats in Bulgaria should have balls!

The introduction to my book pretty much says it all. You shouldn’t be looking for any old person, you need to find your purr-fect partner. The one person who, much like cats, can tolerate you no matter what, because they have to, because you feed them. That’s what you should really be looking for in a relationship.

SIssyneck: Ha ha well that seems a good sign that we already got two purr puns! Maybe you and me for fun could do kitty paws whenever something is purr-fect? Like this synapsis for my book!

Oh wait thats a different one i guess, but that is what comes up when you google mine. Maybe thats my bad for not usin a bible-based search engine. Ok for real, heres how mine starts:

Liddy: FYI, I do use a bible-based search engine, and when I Google your book, it just says: search engines are for perverts, do ten hail Marys. I really shouldn’t have gotten the Catholic version.

Sissyneck: Yeah, maybe try the Pentacostal one instead, but look out for the snakes. Ok, so i’m getting the feeling that our two books are workin on climbin the same mountain, but maybe pretty different kinda angles of approach. What Im learnin from mine is that 1) Mrs. Lasta has been real patient indeed and 2) there are Boys and they like Girls and No Sex but Then What? Enjoy each others company!? No way, says Gryph, that doesnt sound very hetrosexual.

Liddy: What an interesting take on heterosexuality! Hey, what does your book say about attracting a new partner? Cats give pretty much the same advice I’ve heard for handling a bear. This makes perfect sense, bears and new romantic partners are pretty similar to me in that they’re usually tall, and I’m afraid to talk to them.

Sissyneck: Yes thats probly better than my bear method of cryin and soilin myself, so I’ll say that’s purr-fectly good advice alright…

Both: kitty paws

Sissyneck: …but heres what mine says about how to find that special someone:

…which if Im reading it right I guess means that step one is: work real hard to get approval from other men and then: you just get given a girl! From the government maybe? Or God? Probably God. Do your cats agree with this Wisdom of Christ?

Liddy: Weirdly, the cats don’t seem to think the Lord throws women at the strongest men like parade candy. In fact, they seem to think that women need to capture men, much like a cat captures a mouse. Simply being gifted to the strongest man sounds a lot easier than whatever the hell is happening here. I don’t know how to gracefully look away from someone. I’ve been told my gaze is graceless, stumbling all over the place, they said! How important do you think the glance and look away is?

Sissyneck: Ok yes, you know what now we have somehow found a bit of overlapment between our books, Gliffin has somethin real close to the tail flick, here he is doin a good job of not oversellin it:

Are you ready to behold the name of this master key of wife seduction(?) and even female orgasm!?

The Glance and Look Away. The Push’n’Pull. Over an over, with crescendin’ intensity. A crass person, not like me or you Liddy, might look at that say: it sounds like the author decided everything is just fuckin all the time, but Graph Masta real neatly sidesteps that accusational by giving it a dumure french name and showin how its holy actually:

Yes it turns out that God Yahway Creator of Thunder and Earth is actually such a little flirt! If you squint at your bible you can see how when jesus died horribly on the cross and came back on Easter, that is actually just like a bit of the ol’ in and out. The choice is ours.

Liddy: Wow, it’s so true God is a lil' flirt. I’m glad we’re finding some overlapment, that must mean the advice that overlaps is super correct. I’ll have to train my eyes to be less clumsy or risk losing my husband. If that happens, at least the cats have told me how to handle it.

Sissyneck: You know what, this is another one that makes me think that even though cats walk around with their own sandbox shit on their assholes all day, they are actually very wise and astewt. Because Guzz also spends some time talkin about rejection: here he helps us keep our chin up about when dating doesn’t go good by telling us about what happens if your scared to fail:

Yes that is cowardice most stinky indeed. I hope though that Griff was able to look through all of history and find another example of someone who was brave and resilient tho!

Uhoh. Lydia, do you want to tell Dennard or should I?

Liddy: Robert E. Lee jumpscare! At least that’s something I know won’t pop up in my book. Cats are famously Union men. My book also considers the fact that failing at romance might be all your fault, if you choose to ignore the red flags men are presenting, like a bio on a dating site that’s a little too…you guessed it, purr-fect.

Both: kitty paws

Liddy: Other red flags include ghosting you, only texting you at night, and saying nothing but hey. Most cats can’t even say hey, so I feel like their standards are pretty high. You can’t even have a mysterious bio on your dating profile. If I were still dating today, I think my bio would be a series of riddles leading to the mystical key I’m hiding. It would kick off a scavenger hunt that would last around sixty days (so I can tell they’re committed), ending at my apartment (I would not give them the key).

Sissyneck: Yes that does sound like a fun way to get to know one another, and the cats are correct a bad bio is a real courtship amber alert. Gruff agrees and gives a example of a GOOD bio:

See? No mystery cats or detective games there. “At last!” said a woman Jif knows of, “A fella who isent afraid to fart out a terrible opinion and just let everyone else deal with it!”

Liddy: A brave anti-ocean stance. You don’t see that very often.

Sissyneck: So that’s how to find a pard sorted, now Griff also has good ideas for what’s next: the first date. Here, he wrote a lil roll play about it for us:

Now that might seem a lil strange or off-puttin or annoyin at first glance but theres a good reason why a boy would invite a girl over to listen to him read his favorite fantasy book (I hope he does all the voices!) and then put up with (but never ever like) one of her favorite songs which is: its important that BOYS RULE always and forever. Remember what Gwiff taught us earlier about how the most important part of your romantic relationship is other men approve of you? Well imagine what all the other fellas who are also unsecure and worried about this all the time would do if they smelled blood in the water like you didn’t manfully hate every Taylor Swift song!? I suspect maybe it is the same for Tomcats?

Liddy: I’m starting to question Kip Shasta’s credentials. Tomcats seem pretty uninterested in Taylor Swift, but they have some good advice for first dates.

There’s a whole section on first date banter, but sadly no handy scripts that demand you force a woman to listen to you read Brandon Sanderson books. The cats do, however, suggest that you ask your date “whimsical questions” like “if you were a cat, what kind of cat would you be?” Cats are pretty self-absorbed. Do they think that humans go on dates and only talk about cats? Sorry cats, we’re mostly talking about how it’s wrong for men to enjoy “Shake It Off.” Although, if you’re the type of person who buys a book of dating advice from the perspective of cats…you might in fact spend the whole date talking about cats, I suppose.

One thing I feel like Tripp PNG would like about the first date advice offered in my book is that it does treat men like they need a lot of praise for their good behavior. I don’t know why, but I just feel like he would be into that.

Sissyneck: Liddy this might upset you to learn it but I think you got in and read Grizz’s mind exactly. ‘Cause pretty much his whole first-date advice chapter is all about what happens if you get the opposite of praise:

A frame test is when a girl is mean to a boy and Gump says there a good first date activity actually if you know how to respond to em. He gives us lots of examples:

A whole lotta examples, actually. Like so many that you might wonder if one time a girl made fun of his Mistborn shirt and he spent many years since thinkin on what he could have said instead of just turnin it inside out.

Liddy: This is what happened. As usual we are on the same page.

Sissyneck: Real good. I feel pretty educated now from both Cats and Guff about finding the right opposite-sex person, coquettin’ em up into more-than-buds territory, and then how to have a super fun first date!

Liddy: It’s going almost too well. God and cats are in perfect alignment! Sorry, purrfect alignment.

Both: kitty paws

Liddy: I wonder if things will start to diverge more as we get into making a relationship last beyond a first date. I can tell you right now, cats have some pretty furrm opinions on that. I’m sure the Mistborn nerd does too. We’ll get into it more in our next article when Jesus and Sissyneck both take the wheel, or maybe we let the cat drive?

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