Learning Day: Evil Summon

In the year 2020, when men still believed in dark sorcery, a man named Prayer published a book of prayers to defeat witches. It was called Evil Summon by Prayer M. Madueke, and already I feel insane. I feel like I just said, "We're reading Cure The Minotaur Bite by 5th degree black belt, Minotaur Bite Antidote Povich, PhD." But I promise this is a real book:

You know Prayer M. Madueke, of course. The cover reminds us he's the best-selling author of When Evil Altars are Multiplied which you, again of course, know from its full title, When Evil Altars are Multiplied: Overthrowing Evil Altars Dealing With Evil Altars Book One. Just in case you're unfamiliar with Prayer, here's his From the Author:

He looks cute, but I don't buy it. Do you have any idea how badass you have to be to wear a lavender shirt and lavender necktie to demon hunter picture day? And what an awesome intro. "I'm a spiritual warrior in the Lord's vineyard." It's what I would say to a security guard telling me I'm too drunk to fuck in a church.

This is nuts. As an American, I'm used to not knowing anything about other countries, but I had no idea Nigerian priests were still dealing with skeletons. This has to be an English as a second language issue, right? Like when a Door Dash driver forgets your food and tells you, "I am a necromancer, here to conjure the spirits of the dead." There's no way this is really a book about fighting the undead. I tried using Google to translate it to Igbo and back, and it told me, "Igbo does not appear to be a character from He-Man, Igbo was on 7,892 seasons of He-Man, Igbo is pizza– you are in pizza danger, upgrade to Google AI+ to prohibit Mr. Pizza." It was helpful, but not for this.

The next section is called Business Summons, and it's about necromancers summoning you to work in a multi-level marketing scheme, so I think it's safe to say these words were crazy before they made no sense. Let's skip to the next section.

Hell yes, time to go to war against maybe ghosts, probably some guy who sold us a time share. Let's see your war prayers, Prayer!

This is an incredible thing to ask of God. And I still don't know if we're asking Jesus to kill an actual demon or a dinner guest who got teamed up with my wife in Cranium. Either way, fuck them up, Jesus, Amen.

Whatever Prayer is trying to ask for here, it is far beyond his English skills. This sounds like an elevator pitch for Jesus vs. Nigerian Rugrats. It's madness. At best, a loose plan for saving a hospital from a baby gang. But here's the thing: if these aren't delicately, precisely worded spells, it means there's no wrong way to do this, making it as useless as a book can be. And if this is a bunch of random prayers, his audience already knew how to do that. Asking God for things, like revenge, murder, or vengeance, is built into their whole understanding of the universe. Plus, witches might not be real. I'm saying this book is too stupid and exploitative to believe, like writing a 9/11 book that's just a list of things you kind of remember about America. Bad example because no one would ever do that, but you get it.

"Every wicked strongman of my father's house, fall and die." The moment you say the words, two wicked strongman skulls explode. A sudden Jesus nudges their headless torsos down your dad's stairs with twin Glock 34s. "Yeah… I'm thinkin' I'm back," He says.

I can't believe this guy wrote a book about dealing with witches in 2020 and it's nothing more than a long list of relatives he's asking Jesus to kill. I take back what I said about this being useless. Most people would have never thought to do this.

There were multiple wicked strongmen and now a Goliath? How many giant men were staying at Prayer's dad's place? You know, before Jesus killed them. This is suspicious. I'm worried Prayer might be using Jesus' magnificence to eliminate a rival wrestling promotion.

Prayer M. Madueke opens the door to find scattered human and furniture parts. Delicately placed atop of the landscape of gore is a handwritten note. "I wasn't quite sure what you meant, so I had the ham come to life and eat everyone. Call me if you need anything else! - Jesus"

Jesus, please start killing the stuff I don't know about. Better luck next time, stuff I didn't even know about. I don't think He'd do this, but Jesus could absolutely get away with faking this one.

I can't tell if this is a very weird or very cool way to ask God to cure your diabetes.

I've decided it's cool. "Receive Holy Ghost termination" is something a robot would say if it needed a priest's clothes, boots, and motorcycle. It sounds like a marketing company giving abortion an edgy rebrand. What a fucking crazy book. Let's learn some more prayers.

You've killed your enemies, all your dad's roommates, every congenital abnormality, and your family was eaten by ham. Now it's time to send Jesus out with a message to everyone else: any of you sons of bitches could be next. I think I know enough about religion to know Prayer isn't being traditionally Christian, but Jesus should have thought about that before he gave this guy three years of grade school education and unlimited wishes.

Now that I have access to the limitless power of The Lord Your God, I need to use it responsib– aah, what was that sound? Whatever the shit it was, kill it with fire, Jesus. For scaring me, Lord, let it die slowly knowing only fear, I command it, Amen.

The Nigerian Bible has the craziest bestiary. There are evil giants, frustration elementals, satanic angels, and I think the witches installed an unlimited creature spawn in your dad's house. You can kill most of them by knocking them over or lighting them on fire, but if I'm reading this right, altars made out of human bodies can only be killed by giving them a stroke? Oh, I think I know what happened here. "Christian Witch Murder Manual" and "Castlevania Strategy Guide" must sound the same in the original language.

"The Ministry of Evil Gang-Up will not be so easily terminated," laughs Baron Ajo, pointing to his Jesus-proof helmet, its silver pig titties glistening. Am I even being silly at this point? This prayer was written by a grown man who spends all day wishing everyone was dead like it will work, and he thinks his life is aspirational. Jesus-proof helmets are probably a very real concern for him.

This is one of those prayers you may never need, but the moment you run into a group of witches building a little cottage at you, you'll be glad you have it.

Jesus, the cops are starting to ask a lot of questions. Let's change all these death sentences to boring zoom calls until the heat dies down, Amen.

I love the idea of talking to God like this. Dear Jesus, kill all the haters. Dear Jesus, did I fucking stutter.

Yes, Jesus, I said punch them to death. It's my prayer and I pray my enemies die by Kumite, prepare the platform for the final match, Amen. What a fantastic book. And I do think it's a clever lifehack to turn Jesus answering your prayers into unlimited assassinations, but I'm not sure it's representative of Mr. Madueke's work. Let's take a break and look at some of his other titles.

Prayers to Retain Your Pregnancy is a good example of what I was talking about earlier. This is pointless. And I don't mean asking God for a healthy pregnancy is pointless. I mean, probably, but what I meant was every pregnant Christian already knows how to do this, and definitely already did. They don't need Prayer M. Madueke to say, "417. Let the gremlins that cause swollen feet die by knife and storm, in your name Jesus." If the wording has to be specific enough to write down, that technically makes this a book of spells, which technically makes the expectant mother a wizard, which technically means Jesus is already putting on his gloves to punch a goddamn wizard to death. Your time is up, wizard mom, die, in the name of Jesus.

He wrote the same book again? Were there advances in the field of asking Jesus to prevent miscarriages? If this works even a little bit, I'm worried this could be too much pregnancy. What if we overdo it with anti-miscarriage magic?

Holy shit, this guy thought of everything. It took him three books, but he got the timing of this birth exactly right. And afterward, he moved on to solve every problem ever. Look at all these:

Across hundreds of books, Prayer M. Madueke cured all diseases, complained about marriage, and made wild, wrong guesses about the definitions of words. I may not always know what he means, but I know what all this means. It means this is no longer an article about some stupid witch hunting book. We need a new title. I'm going to duck into Photoshop real quick, and…

This Nigerian Christian madman threw together violent combinations of clipart and fonts with a child's idea of how the world works to create so, so many books.

Look at all these. In Papyrus font, in Jokerman font, Prayer M. Madueke is busting ghosts, inciting anti-divorce riots, starting a gay crusade in Africa, praying to overcome attitude prob– hold on. Computer, go back one. Enhance.

Oh, goddamnit. The Christian murder idiot turned out to be a homophobic Christian murder idiot. It's never the people you expect. But I guess this explains why he had Jesus kill all those buff men in his dad's house. To hell with this guy, die in the name of Jesus, article over. Which is a bummer, because I spent 13 hours on that title and I was looking forward to reading this next book with five typefaces and vampire teeth in the title called 100% Powerful Prayer that makes Satan Dial 911:

Wait, hold on. This only looks like a Prayer M. Madueke book. This author's name is Tella Olayeri. Is… is there a second Nigerian Christian writing lists of deranged demands for Jesus!?

Yes! Yes! The article is back on! I'm going to duck back into Photoshop for a few hours and…

After looking through hundreds of titles, I think we're safe. None of Tella Olayeri's books seem to be based around eradicating gay. They are almost exclusively about awesome shit, as described by a hopeless English speaker with a lot of confidence.

740 Rocket Prayers that Break Satanic Embargo– fantastic. Satan Stop Rubbish You Can't Have My Miracles– a masterpiece. It was an impossible choice, but I selected one called 720 Missile Prayers that Silience Enemies.

It's so beautiful. It looks like something my eight-year-old daughter would show me after saying, "The kid in our class who drowned for nine minutes made this."

"Every prayer in this book are Holy Spirit vomited," explained the author better than anyone had ever explained anything.

Tella gives some important, though maybe not life-saving thanksgiving tips before moving on to the prayers, hardly any of which are about siliencing enemies.

I think badly translated Nigerian Jesus spells might be my new favorite genre of non-fiction. This book was published during the COVID pandemic and it still sounds like the manual for a NES game called Business Vulva 外陰部 1983.

Without looking it up, how close do you think this crazy nonsense is to Psalm 103:14?

You were right. It's almost word-for-word "Jesus donned His witch-boxing gloves and told the unborn, 'In My name, every last one of you fetuses is fired. And, woe shit, the only severance package shall be punch.'"

There's no way all of Tella Olayeri's books are as good as 720 Missile Prayers to Silience Enemies. Let's read from IT Is Time For WAR! God Has License To Kill!

I was wrong; this book also rules. Tella is trying to spread the word of God in Nigeria, and he's accidentally writing Finnish death metal. You can't miss a target harder than that. It'd be like sitting down to write a book about a God killing spree and accidentally typing "I know the mayor touches me while I sleep."

No way! Tella, this is almost exactly the example I just used!

"Your obituary is today," is so great. It's how a tourist couple would deliver a death threat while sharing a booklet called Mostly Right English Phrases. It's what the Ultimate Warrior would scream if he was killing you with a magazine. "That would have worked better if we used a newspaper," he'd realize, but it's far too late for you to take notes.

This seems like a mild conversation opener for someone meeting a pastor, then suddenly Jesus is taking your eyes. I can't tell if Nigerian Christianity has way too many rules or no rules at all.

33. Jesus, since I guess you ignored my last prayer, I urgently need you to fill a grave with my neighbor, his obituary is right now, in Your name.

What?

Ha ha fucking what?

I think we better move on to some other books before I figure out what Tella means by naked.

The book title Dangerous Prayer Against Strange Women: STRANGE WOMEN is already a rich tapestry of hilarious wonders before you see it's Part 2. Tella Olayeri has been risking everything to ask Jesus to destroy strange women for two books!

"I hate to be this guy, but I can't kill anybody until you pray with the proper forms," says Jesus to an only child stupidly calling for the execution of his enemies with middle born prayers.

I'll never forget the cover of My Head is not for Sale for as long as I live. We're ending it here. If there really is a God, He looks like this with feet, Amen.

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