1900HOTDOG

Nerding Day: Mormon Rap

Added 2025-03-20 12:00:11 +0000 UTC

Alright let’s get started. But not at the start though, this is one where we’re gonna start in the middle and then kinda flash back to the actual start and then work our way back to where we started (the middle). We’ll probably still end at the end though. Anyway here is our cold open:

Certain of our more psychic-sensitive readers may be clockin that area code and already getting that penny taste in their mouth and feeling those lil ‘lectric pain-tingles of warning startin up ‘hind their eyes, if thats you, you might wanna go get a ice pack or a belt to bite down on now instead of later. Advance to the next gif when you are ready.

How we doing folks? Check in with ourselves, what do our hearts and bodies need in this moment? I personally have fortified myself with a aroma therapy of some Bag Balm on my forearm excema and another cup of egyptian licorice in this excellent mug LaRene got me for valentimes:

I know its not very decorum but theres somethin about drinkin outta a mug with your own “MUG” on it that…ah sorry I forgot that’s not really how we do things here. ahem, yes, back to today’s artifact, here’s another take on those goofums in case you forgot:

So yes, that’s Walt Gregory himself we’re watchin, you cant hear it in the gifs but he says “Walt Gregory your one man one ring circus featuring me Walt Gregory” and then makes what I think we all agree are some real silly faces. If you thought they were maybe off-puttin or a aversion well try watching the video so you can hear theres tasteful audio added, like a aooga horn and a cookoo clock to help us understand that what we’re watching is actually very funny and cool.

You maybe noticed there was kinda a ominous dip to white there at the end of the first clip, can you guess what is on the other side of that transition? Here’s a one frame hint to help ease us in a bit:

Uh oh is it what your eyes are afraid it is?

It is. I don’t love transcribin it, but I know some of you are probably at work and are correct that you cant risk sound on in public with this one, so what hes saying there at the beginning is also what you guessed.

You know what I think it’ll help us all out for sanity reasons with this one if maybe we frame it like a typical music guy biopic.

Yeah exactly! I did photoshop that but probly not as much as you think. Anyway, let’s pretend like this what we’re watchin is like the Vegas Residency introduction scene of the movie, and we’re just gazin entranced at a world-class entertainer at the top of his game, selling out the back room of a Sizzler night after night, fans and panties both just throwing themselves at him, desperate for a moment of contact with Walts white-hot starpower and talent. So of course any creative would be so satisfied and happy and content with having summited this wasatch peak of music and comedy entertainment, Walt,you must be so fulfilled!

Right Walt?

Right!?

Uh oh maybe you saw it too:

Those eyes…those eyes cant lie. Although a-clownin Walt may be in body and most of his face, those eyes are callin out and yearnin for relief from a special type of pain. In the movie i’d start layin on the reverb and high pass filter real heavy to help us see that, even though this on the superfice looks like a moment of peak joyful connection between entertainer and audience, lookin deeper there truly are some tears built up behind this mirthful visage. How did we get here!?

Ok now we’ll do the flashback thing i mentioned, back in time we go, imagine we’re flying over desert mountains and brined-shimp lake-shores, back back to our lovely deseret of Salt Lake City Utah in the 1970s and 80s (you can tell by the station wagons full of kids with no seat belts) and our camera finds and zooms in on a certain young mormon actress who is just HUSTLIN:

Mary Ethel Gregory, ne’e Eccles. Beloved by all but especially Huck. And yes she died but before that:

And damn:

Whoa, sincerely: if i got to dance with tommy lee jones in a jail AND be the mom of baby can you dig your man? Well hell I’d think i’d probably die with a big ol latter-day smile on my face. I bet other Mormon actors JUST WISHES they could have a biography as impressive!

Pshaw Gozzer’s write-up isent even half as long as Mary’s.

But there’s something more about Mary: she didnt just gift the world her own entertainer talents, her and Huck also continued a crucial part of a showbiz LEGACY:

Yes, the birthed a lil baby with the portententious name of Walt, or maybe Walter. (‘90s novelty song title to be revealed in the fullness of time)

At this part of the biopic maybe we see Walt doing neat musical stuff at different points in his childhood, like he makes a old cowboy cry when he sings home on the range real pretty or maybe bees attack his scout troop and he sings so angelic that it calms the bees and they fall asleep, that kinda stuff.

But, as we all know the world aint fair and just because you have a god-given talent for something is no guarantee that you’ll get to make a livin on it and for a while, that was Walt. Here he explains how hard he toilt his whole life for musical success:

Yes, so now is probly like a hustle montage where we see Walt just COMPOSIN hit tunes and poundin out bops on his Casio and then passin out tapes of em on Temple Square and sending em into Utah radio DJs but: just no-one cares. So Walt gets discourage and heads up to Ensign Peak and is there lookin over the salt lake city street-lights coming up as the sun heads over california way and hes thinkin to himself: you know maybe i just dont have what it takes to succeed as a rock and roll star and darnit i need to just face reality and take the furniture store manager job grandpa said i could have. But then, as he redescends back into the city he has The Encounter what the genre of white musician biopic demands:

He spiritually connects with Black Music.

Yup exactly like that, how could a nice boy with music in their soul like that ever do a exploitation!?

Yes, here it is at last: the 90s novelty song around which Walt’s life story and also me while i was writing this completely revolves. I don’t know who Hays was, he musta just come and went because there is no mention of him on the Mormon Rap Dance Mix Instrumental Version that Walt released in 2011.

I know, it was hard for me also to believe that this is not a PoxCo release.

Anyway the song is HILARIOUS because its about mormon culture BUT RAPPING! Here you can listen to it if you want:

It honestly was pretty regionally popular, they played it on actual radio stations and people bought tapes of it and the more daring LDS youths played it in front of there moms who: at first when they heard the drum machine were racially frightened but then when they heard those funny lyrics and safe white voices? Well, even mom knew that this is all in good fun and I guess this is one rap song that its ok to play in the Astro van.

95000 cassettes sold! Finally. Walt made it. Our movie does that That Thing You Do thing where we see walt and his friends hearin The Mormon Rap on the fm radio for the first time and their cheering and disbelievin and turnin on all the radios and dancing with a Old Lady to it. Its beautiful, our hearts are so full right now. Here are some pictures of the lyrics so you can really imagine it good, if you turn on the Grandmaster Flash voice in your head you’ll probably get like 85% of the way their to what it sounds like

And then theres the chorus which goes like “Mormon! Mormon Rap! (𝄽) MORMON RAP!” It’s not good but it is catchy enough that you might find yourself like half-shouting it at your loved ones after listening to it again and again.

Haha maybe in the movie the Old Lady could do like the hype man enphasis on the last words of the lines, she’s like CAFFIENE! and MEETCHA!, haha that would be pretty cute

And now we can do the part of the movie where we see The Mormon Rap movin up in the Utahs Most-Requested Song charts, like it starts at 20 or whatever but then 10! and 5! and whats this it just beat out Sweet Child O’ Mine for this weeks number one spot! And oh I forgot maybe it would be good if Walt never had his dad Huck’s respect before this but now Huck’s coworkers and such are all listening to Mormon Rap and saying “Your boy did a real good job with this one.” and so now Huck accepts and embraces his son and says “I’m sorry I never believed in you” and we understand that there will only be great things in Walt’s future.

Ok now we’re caught back up with the beginning and we see that what we first thought was a sad and weird video is actually Walt’s shrewd and savvy at work: he disserns that even the timeless majesty of Mormon Rap would eventually fade and so he must quickly showcase the full range of his talents while the gaze of the world is still ‘pon him. And apparently the sizzle reel did its thing because later he uploaded a video of the steady gig he landed:

Its kinda tiny there at the bottom here let me put on my cheaters it says: “Walt Gregory’s one-man band plays musical fanfares for Awards Ceremonies, Door Prize Drawings, Comedians, etc.” which is kinda under-selling it honestly because look who’s included in Comedians, etc.

Gotta hand it to Foxworthy’s stylist, that moustache is iconic and unmistakible even at at 240 pixels.

But as always, these sunny days of unimaginable glamour and fame must also sometimes set. Well the days themselves don’t set, but the sun does…you know what I mean. From here Walts creative endeavours seem to experience a bit of decline.

He does a music video about Utah college football which, i feel like it doesnt work super well when you try to pander to BOTH sides of a multigenerational conflict

And then a video of him doin happy birthday which I honestly didn’t have to speed it up that much to get it to fit in a 10 second gif

Maybe your havin a tough time imaginin what that one sounds like…here, Walt added a accessibility text description for us:

And honestly there is some artist integrity courage here: the Happy Birthday song dident get into the public domain until 2016, so Walt was risking some litigatory attention from the big boys on this one.

But then times musta got tough and we couldnt afford integrity anymore because eventually Walt crassly goes back to the well of: what if a white guy sang black

Man i feel like somehow I should apologize for this one. I’m sorry. If it helps: in spite of it bein a return to the roots of Walt’s early success this one did not sell 95000 casettes.

So here is kinda the nader of our biopic, where Walt realizes he totally sold out except he dident even get anything in return and hes not addicted to drugs but maybe we see him making like way too many trips to the dirty soda place with those enormous crisco shame cookies and we see him breaking down and cryin in his honda fit, kinda spittin out coconut pepsi and cookie crumbs with his sobs on to the dashboard and trying to wipe em off with his hand but there just smearing everywhere and we feel pity. Well I do anyway. I ain’t tryin to excuse any of this but I guess I do feel some sorrow and compassion because for me this is another there-but-for-the-grace-of-god ones. But then also Jesus Christ Walt what the hell man can’t you see this kinda shit ain’t helping things? FOR ANYBODY!?

So what happens next? Does Walt do his own sub-montage in his head of when hes been truly happy in his life and realize it was the creative process and not the outcome that mattered? And he starts just like a lil bedroom-pop project for fun and therein finds fulfillment? Maybe our last shot is we see him playing the keyboard in his home studio with headphones on so we cant hear the music hes making but we see Walt’s beatific smile and we understand that maybe thats all that matters? Shit thats pretty good honestly.

Or is it another path of fate that is activated? One where the last anybody has ever heard of Walt is he uploaded a video 13 years ago intitled: “Orbs in My House”.

A video as silent as a gif, a collection of night vision shots of Walt’s house where he actually did some editing to help us see the mystical visitors of the night what appear to him: