Learning Day: Bully Smart

Sometimes, I feel like I could be a more effective bully. Generally, I'm pretty good at calling people suckers and chumps, doling out your basic noogies and swirlies, etc. However, as I've entered my 36th year of life, I feel I could do more. My bullying could be more creative, less pedantic, so I found this sick video where Slam Dunk Ernest star and Veronica Mars staff writer Kareem Abdul Jabbar teaches you how to bully. It's called Bully Smart.

Bully Smart was created by former White House Aide David Cannon, who was "concerned about the growing onslaught of violence against innocent people," so he commissioned a team with decades of experience in "martial arts, personal security, teaching, and counseling" to train children how they can be better bullies. The overall system is called Street Smart, and it includes at least two other VHS's– Stranger Smart and Adult Street Smart (not a porn parody, I checked). All of these are narrated by Kareem Abdul Jabbar, probably on the same day.

I don't think Kareem enjoyed narrating these videos. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it looks like someone bullied him into being there. His eyes are really wide, the whole time, like he's frightened of a bully just off camera. Was this an acting choice? Is he method acting a bullied child?

The video begins with a disclaimer longer than a Star Wars opening crawl. It doesn't tell you anything cool about the state of the Empire, but it does let you know that if you die doing anything this video trains you to do, that's all your fault, nerd. Basically, the video opens by bullying you. Appropriate!

We then cut to Kareem Abdul Jabbar, giving real hostage proof-of-life vibes. He explains that nearly half of all kids go to school afraid of a bully, and the other half are radical. Just kidding, I've made a mistake. This is an anti-bullying video. I'm going to watch it anyway and hope to pick up some anti-anti bullying techniques. Did they not think any bully could easily obtain this video by merely donning glasses and a sweater vest?

Kareem introduces us to the Street Smart system, created by unnamed martial arts and security experts, one of whom could have been Frank Dux. They don't have a cool abbreviation for the system because it unfortunately acronym's to ASSR so they NEVER call it that. I'm going to call it that, and hey, guess what, so will bullies.

The first step of ASSR is blaming the victim. Bullies can smell the low self-esteem from a mile away, so if you're walking down the street with your head down and shoulders shrugged, bullies will swoop in on your Charlie Brown-looking ass like falcons from the sky. They even demonstrate a victim asking for it by panning up on a sad little girl walking through a sprinkler.

According to the video, "her body language is screaming out that she doesn't like herself, and if you want to pick on me, go ahead." This video treats bullies like they are bears. If you simply don't leave little treats in your pockets, the bullies will not come to rifle through them, children. As if there's a national bullying conference each year to decide which dorks to menace and you simply have to learn to avoid this year's dork category.

Street Smart also applies weird corporate jargon to bullying as if it's a solvable problem that can simply be charted and graphed to death. This bullying video was obviously made by the biggest nerds on the planet. Look at this computer-generated loser they made to introduce the segment on how to stun a bully.

What's corporate America speak for "I want to bully this shitty graphic"? Let's circle back on the coolness matrix of our initial design? If I could make one small adjustment, I'd say let's make it look like less of a Flubber ass chumpsicle ? Standing in the talk to the hand position is their number one defense tip. They also tell you to shuffle backward away from the bully like you're doing a little step ball change in Pirates Of Penzance. More like Pirates of Piss Pants. Sorry, I'm in full bully mode. Glistening little fucking Jell-O monster.

Stun is the step of the ASSR system where things really start to get interesting, and by interesting, I mean bloodthirsty. "Two-thirds of the bones in the body are located in the foot, and it takes only four pounds of pressure to break one," is a line they say to children in this video. They tell you to break another child's bones. That is stunning. They have a sample bully and a sample nerd demonstrating the stun moves. The sample nerd is forced to wear a Stay Smart polo shirt, knee-length jean shorts, and knee-length socks, which somehow makes slapping your bully in the face and running away look kind of uncool.

If they're teaching things like foot breaking, slapping, hair pulling, and biting, you're probably wondering if they teach dick slapping. In fact, that was probably your first question about this video. I'm sorry I took so long to answer it. Yes, they do teach a dick slap.

I've studied the tape extensively, and I do think they're faking the dick slap, which is a shame. If I slap a bully in the dick incorrectly, I'm going to sue. The final section of the video is called dirty tricks, and please note that the dick slap is not considered a dirty trick! Dick slapping is a one hundred percent clean bully deterrent move, as is crushing your opponent's toes. What is a dirty trick? Blinding them with a candy toss.

Imagine how lethal this would be with the butterscotch candies that grow in grandma's purses. She really did throw that candy into his face, and I genuinely think she got him. Scratch that pretend bully's cornea, Example Nerd! He only needs one eye to spot low self-esteem. They also suggest smacking a bully with a rolled-up magazine and doing the candy trick but with water. Again, this girl does not aim below the eyes. She nails her fake bully right in the eyeball with that water. Good for her.

Have you noticed the fatal flaw in the ASSR system yet? At the end of every move, you're expected to run away. Whoever created this system never considered the possibility of a fast bully or, even worse, a slow nerd? Do they think bullies aren't physically fit? Do they think nerds are famously swift? Telling a child to slap their bully in the face and run is like telling them to start a small brush fire because it'll look pretty and probably be fine.

They end the VHS with a flying onomatopoeia-filled bully battle where the bully is thrown to the ground and then lays there, allowing his small victim to escape. Kareem Abdul Jabbar comes on and implies that child somehow survived the encounter. His bully was a George Romero zombie and not a 28 Days Later Zombie, but if that bully ever joins the track team, turn off the oven because that little boy is cooked.

I have to say this video did teach me a lot about how to bully smart. That professional grade sack tap technique alone will make my bullying at least 40% more painful. I also know that I need to work on my cardio if I want to catch those nerds. The government was right to leave this listed on the U.S. Department of Justice Office Of Justice Programs website while deleting half of the CDC.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neku104, who never fakes the dick slapping.

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