Upsetting Day: The Manliness of Christ

How thick and veiny is the penis of your god? Hi, we're talking about Dale Partridge's 2023 classic, The Manliness of Christ: How the Masculinity of Jesus Eradicates Effeminate Christianity.

You might know Dale from Jesus and my Gender, a book for bitter parents of unhappy and confused children. But The Manliness of Christ is no book for kids. This is a book for men. Insecure, stupid, hateful men who see themselves in stronger men. It is an incoherent sex letter to Jesus. It is the least persuasive sales pitch for misogyny written by a worm for aspiring restraining order recipients. It is a wet idea left to rot in a mediocre Christian boy.

Dale wrote The Manliness of Christ for his sons who will save a lot of time by showing this dedication to their future therapists. It's only the first three sentences of the book and he's already said, "I'm not a real man, I'm Jesus' slave, and I named my children after an Elden Ring boss encounter."

No book has ever needed a foreword less than The Manliness of Christ. In one glance you know this is a plump incel whose personality changes when he goes camping. This is someone who thinks "straight" is a community. This is a man whose priest taught him how to kiss. And yet there is still a foreword, by someone named Eric Conn.

I don't know if this means anything, but "stout timbers of Christianity" is what I would write if I had a boner from looking at Jesus. And believe it or not, this inadvertently sexual language will become a theme of the book and my commentary on it. Masculinity is a tightrope. You can't just do bicep curls and watch Fight Club wrong. It requires self-honesty, at least five karates, and a well-wrangled horniness. And if you're already complaining about women in the intro paragraph of your manifesto, you're doing it wrong.

What I'm getting at is insecure, performative masculinity like this is a child's best guess at a man. There aren't strong women or rival karate dojos in these dorks' lives to help them field-test their man theories. Which means their word choices are often going to miss "manly" and accidentally bullseye "super gay." For instance, I looked him up, and the guy who wrote this foreword does a show called "The Hard Men Podcast." I'm not leaving any words out! So you get what I'm saying– that's not what actual hard men would call their show. That's a sketch Damon Wayans would pitch if he just woke up from a 30 year coma. It's like calling your show "The No Diaper Zone: We're Not Wearing Diapers, Shut Up, You Are."

Sorry, I'm talking too much; I am chatting away like some kind of hard, hard man. Eric Conn was about to explain why… no, this can't be right. Why letting women come to church is bad? I'm sure this will be fascinating, let's let him continue:

I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought he'd hate women for more of a reason than "the presence of ladies made pastors more ladylike, like little stupid ladies." This might make me sound like an old man, but I miss when the God maniacs put a little disguise on their bigotry. They'd dress it up like a medical study or a religious freedom. This fucker's opening argument was "women ruin everything, I'm sure I don't need to explain myself." Saying Christ didn't want women around anyway is the desperate excuse of a Christian influencer who checked his analytics and found out his blog and podcast audience was 0.00% women.

He's actually finished with his argument, by the way. Modern women of the early-to mid-1800s, and their womanly sitting, made his big boy God into a little girl. We can move on to his next point.

I'm not sure, but I think Eric is upset with you for canceling Samson. Oh, is it "toxic" to tie 300 foxes together now? Get over yourself, tittied Libs. On the other hand, this does sound a little toxic. Maybe Samson didn't have to handle it that way? If you have Hulk strength, you should be able to kill a few normal goddamn Philistines without torturing and setting their entire fox population on fire. Also, it's suspicious how this foreword guy identifies with the Bible character whose weakness is "woman." Am I remembering that right? I'd better look Samson up:

Holy shit, what incompetent madman wrote this The Bible book? In "Samson's 10 Feats of Strength and Heroism," four of them are breaking ropes, and five thousand of them are killing Philistines? I had know idea it was that many Philistines. Forget what I said about the foxes. If I had to kill that many Philistines, I would have tried crafting grenades out of foxes too. I'd be making spider balloons and penguin freeze rays… eight books of the Bible would be about the crazy powerups I used to chain-kill Philistines. I'm so pissed off I'm abandoning this line of thinking to get back to The Manliness of Christ.

Dale's first chapter starts with a story of true manliness, and of course it's very strange. It's about him dragging his dad to a plane crash so he could turn off the world's most durable airplane engine and rescue four dead people. "Don't worry, corpse! I'm a mechanic!" he might have told them. It seems too pointless to be made up, and it wouldn't occur to a trash Christian hate grifter like Dale to tell the truth, but plane crashes are pretty well documented. I can look this up on the same computer I used to learn the Ten Best Samson Feats. They were rope, murder, rope, rope, murder, rope, murder, murder, murder, murder if you don't remember.

This looks like the incident he's describing, only Dale changed "crashed into brush near Interstate 15" to "I swear to God you guys it came straight down from the sky and split a house in half." That's a good punch-up, so I'll let it go. But it does help us calibrate Dale's relationship with the truth. He might not fully fabricate a story, but he will change all the details, then translate those lies into a barely related lesson. In this case, his dad didn't rescue anyone, the two of them probably didn't get involved at all, and that's what it means to be "genuinely masculine."

After some clumsy starts and restarts about the raw hardness, the rugged mouth, the shafting penetration of Jesus Christ, Dale sets up a dramatic moment. He's going to share the goddamn manliest line ever said by any courageous hunk in history. He builds and builds to the masculine words like a lumberjack stroking a throbbing second lumberjack. And then the line ends up just being "Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem."

It's possible I missed a movie where Jesus said this line all cool, but this was a pretty big disappointment. The rawest masculinity recorded in human history? Pediatric gynecologists say manlier things than this when they get birthday flowers. Maybe Dale left out the second part where Jesus says, "... to level that fucking place with fox multibombs and crush every last fine Jerusalem ass." Without context, this is some hippie sharing his weekend plans. I'll let Dale finish, though:

He's not going to explain it!? I had to look it up to find out Jesus said this on His way to get crucified. But is accepting a sadistic and gruesome fate the best definition of masculinity? I don't think it's a good argument to say it isn't manly, but it's weird Dale is so certain this is the clearest example of manliness. To him, suffering to death is the most Man a man can be, so much so it's not worth explaining. Speaking of, maybe I'm cutting him off too soon. Let's see if he gets around to making a point.

Nope! He has already moved on to unrelated nonsense. If you haven't spotted the fundamental problem, Dale is the kind of guy who thinks "toughness" is hating people who aren't tough, or complaining about people who complain. And maybe it is. I don't know how to measure tough. I know I could put my foot through Dale Partridge's undercooked boy torso, but I also know I would fuss all day if they put me in a jail with bad Internet. The problem is, this soggy cow can't come close to defining what he means by masculinity. He thinks he knows, but you can tell from his babbling he's a toddler drooling half-chewed culture war talking points onto his bib. So okay, this next clipping is long, but with this level of dipshit density I had no idea where to cut him off:

Look at Dale go. He's mad about sexy makeup Jesus. He's mad at our modern culture for hating the idea of masculinity, but again, what could he mean by this? We live in a world where we can listen to The Hard Men Podcast on any device! Is your book an example of masculinity, Dale? Because if hating fuckable Jesus and complaining about an old Ariana Grande song are masculine, then yeah, people won't like that. Tough guy.

People aren't going to like this either, but here's what Dale Partridge looks like.

Dale is 38-years-old in that picture and he looks like he died watching his granddaughter get married. He looks like an understudy for Sid in an Ice Age musical. He looks like the source of a mysterious noise in a haunted bologna factory. I know masculinity has no hard rules, but when you look like you lost your 64th straight floral arrangement competition, don't tell people how to Man. Ghoulie-faced bitch, you look like you have candy in seven different pockets.

You're not going to believe this, but Dale's next chapter is nothing but vague complaints about the death of true masculinity. A concerning problem with the book and its premise is that Jesus didn't do a lot of "badass" things. Jesus was pretty famously peaceful most of the time, so Dale can't call to a lot of manly moments, as he would know manliness. Which means he keeps restating his goddamn thesis about Jesus being 100% beef, yummy yummy Jesus, and then not supporting it. I'm starting to worry there's no point to get to, and Dale's going to be doing this for all 83 pages. No, come on, that'd be nuts.

"If you hate masculinity, you will despise the biblical Jesus," sums up Dale's philosophy pretty well, and he would agree because he used this quote on the back of his book. It's him proudly standing up to people who will never exist for a principle he doesn't understand or at least definitely can't describe, while also being a dick about it, in the style of gay erotica. He is in a debate with the world's dumbest feminist and refuses to listen to her. Let me try to put it another way. Imagine you and Jesus were assembling a bookcase. I think a manly thing to say might be, "The instructions call for a nine inch framing hammer, Jesus, so I'll have to fold my dick in half." Dale would probably say, "Real men don't need instructions, right dad? I mean, thrusting potent Jesus! I mean, just Jesus! Fist bump, right?"

Here's another long clipping because my God, look at this crazy little guy go:

The dumbest thing that will ever be is a right wing fundamentalist trying to turn their superstitious intolerance into science. For whatever reason, Sexy Jesus' #1 fan, Dale, spent hundreds of words trying to explain how Christ is more manly than Adam because Adam had a whole woman's worth of ladyness in his rib, and let's not pretend this is a real adult saying real words. This is a pig trying to suck hot dog water out of a typewriter. Ignore this, it's nothing. Fuck the limp mind that could think it.

Earlier I was making fun of Dale for saying really stupid shit and then not explaining himself clearly, but I stand corrected. He finally put it in a way I understand: Males don't have female hearts and brains, you see, males have male hearts and brains. Ipso facto and therefore, males are therefore males. Thus, sensual Christ, put Him in my naughty mouth, Amen. I'm not even paraphrasing. If anything I made it less horny.

This isn't going to sound very potently masculine, but for the sake of these two innocent children, I want to put this delicately. Brawny Perfect Throb Jesus is a weird hobby to share with your kids. Honor and Valor are going to be so disappointed in their dad the moment they meet a human person or read a second book. They will have to carry a copy of The Masculinity of Christ with them at all times or no one will ever believe their childhood stories.

Here's a way to tell if someone is a real man. Did they publish a book about the time they retweeted a video of an asshole getting kicked out of a drag queen story hour, take the side of the homophobic intruder, and then whine about the comments gently correcting their behavior? If so, that wasn't a real man. That was a jar of Nazi diarrhea who ran out of things to say about the manliness of Christ before the halfway point of his (83 page) book.

I commented on how Dale forgot to disguise his intolerance earlier, but it turns out his hate actually can get more overt. Here in the back end of the book, he's forgotten all about the suckable angles of Christ, and he is now openly calling for an end to homosexuality and feminism. Sort of. He called for us to open our mouths around the evil trying to penetrate us. He's a truly gifted writer, or as he'd put it, "a burly gifted semen daddy."

Back to the science of men, Dale helps explain how Jesus is manly because women have lower testosterone levels than men, making them worse at lethal battles. All misogynists eventually find their way here, to a place where men are better than women because it seems like they'd win if we held a gender-on-gender strangulation contest. Probably, but no law or athletic commission would allow it, and if they did, we would trade Dale Partridge to Team Woman for a 9th round pick in the 2035 draft. Only the most mediocre of below average men would want credit for something this broad and hypothetical. Dale, if you want to brag about having more useful hormones than a woman in the face of death, challenge one to a knife fight, you whiny coward. You ice cream-filled little boy fuck. You do science the same way you try to have sex with Jesus– embarrassingly and not hard enough.

I don't know what's going on here. Once Dale started thinking about man hormones he concluded that's why God "equipped [Him] with a male body". I guess because if Jesus was a woman She would have no chemical way to deal with "curses, insults, and deceptions." Not like us fellas, right? Our musky glands give us the resolve to fight! Anyway, back to what the hormonally superior real man was saying about how the womanly culture and the gays killed his God, and gee whiz, why didn't someone, any succulent muscular someone, do anything?

You shouldn't underestimate the importance of lady glands. They make women physically incapable of leadership, and that's not another wild guess from an amateur hate criminal. That's coming from God, the daddy of this slab of yum we've been talking about. Those buns, those masculine buns, Amen.

This fragile, patchy-bearded clown saw a magazine cover five years ago and he's still taking its fruitiness as a personal attack. And again, I'm not in charge of whether this is a truly manly thing to do. But I know a way we can check. It's called the John Rambo test, and you administer it by imagining you were watching a Rambo movie and this happened:

Yeah, it checks out! Getting fussy about that magazine was very manly, Dale. Very Christ-like.

You might have wondered if it was okay to be gay as long as you weren't, you know, all the way gay. Absolutely not. In fact, we all might be gay from you asking that. In fact again, I've been filled with new and exciting urges this entire book. But as Dale and his sodomy sources say, letting your forbidden passions go unpenetrated isn't enough. It's still a sin to mince about with your lispy voice and "feminine sway." The point is, this "author" carefully describing the potent masculine fluids of Jesus Christ can tell when you're doing gay. So don't even go there, girl, Amen.

When you let a true complainer get going for too long, this wallowing victimhood is where they end up. Dale went into this book wanting one small thing– the rise of a new society where his heterosexual whiteness made him the most powerful, nay, the only force in a Christian ethnostate where any form of sexual fluidity was illegal. Maybe that's two or three small things. Those are the insane beliefs of an idiot, yes, but he has them and now he's convinced himself he's been persecuted for them. He's been racked and boxed! Fucking eaten! If some bully doesn't slap this nerd in the head soon, his next move will be warning about the violent uprising of masculine Christian men. But since he's such a bitchborn baby victim, his move after that will be to complain, "Oh, but we can't have a Man War because you lousy women already killed manliness." Sorry, I must be grouchy from all the bigotry. Nobody would actually be so pathetic.

Ha ha I was right. Bye!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Zach and Eva, who sell bottles of the potent masculine fluids of Jesus Christ on their Etsy.

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