Upsetting Day: Why Must I Destroy What I Simpsons?🌭

I’m going to be honest, I tried pretty hard not to make this an “Upsetting Day” column. Like any little sniveling weirdo, I hate being identified as such outright, and scuttle away from that appellation like coal workers fled post-WWII Appalachia. I also use big words and really esoteric references to ensure 80% of the HOTDOG audience doesn’t make it past the first paragraph. New paragraph!

When I pitched Sean and Robert what I’m calling “A Small Flight of Simpsons Weirdness” to tie into the launch of my own Simpsons video series on Cracked, I asked if they had anything to throw onto the pile before I got writing. Robert immediately responded with, “no I’m not aware of any upsetting Simpsons porn, sorry.” Couple that with a recent comment that said “Every Swaim column is an Upsetting Day,” and you can guess what I’m lying awake at night agonizing over instead of spending that time giving to my friends who’ve been impacted by the latest climate catastrophe, like some Grade-A Prick (pictured here for reference):

Michael (N.) - Grade-A Prick with a grade-C prick.

Refusing to be so easily pigeonholed, I set out to prove everyone wrong with a cute collection of kitschy Simpsons stuff we could all share a Munsonesque chuckle over. “HAWHaw!” we’d all say, delighted and not the least unsettled by a Japanese Homer robot that actually eats shorts, then craps them out into the hamper perfectly folded. Try as I might though, by the time the dust settled, the most innocent artifact I’d unearthed was straight hardcore live action Simpsons porn.

Talk about a couch gag!

#deepthroat #throatgoat #MargeILF #Ijustthinktheyreneat #awfulawfulhair

Hoist with my own weird, moist petard, I resolved myself to the grim task of pinching off a fresh plop of Upsetting Day for those of you brave enough to step behind the beaded curtain. Let us dig deep into yellow horror, as deep as Sting can dig. And lemme tell ya, Sting’s a good digger.

Bort talks back to Morge! ☠️ #morge #bort #simpsons #cursed #meme #memes #funny #fail by Soggy_Nugget

The problem with most cursed Simpsons stuff at this point is the market is flooded with people intentionally trying to cast a curse, and trying too hard. Here’s a textbook example - the words you can’t read are the lyrics to “A Whole New World.”

These are the kinds of Simpsons memes AI will probably start spitting out when the tech bros realize AI pizza delivery and AI emojis and AI headstones aren’t monetizing as well as they’d hoped. And indeed, our first example in this collection is riiight on the line. So watch yourself, nasally, blue-haired counselor!

You can tell the guys behind the “Bort and Morge” TikTok series are intentionally doing a meme, both because of the subtle “Bort” nod to those in the know, and because they hashtagged each episode with “meme” and “memes,” but also “fail,” which is to “meme” as “23-skidoo” is to “skibidi,” in that I don’t know what any of this means and I’m confused and scared (pictured here for reference):

Michael (N.) - Middle-aged man yelling at pre-cloud vapor condensate.

The vid I’ve chosen to highlight starts with Bart literally cooking up some drugs like the scamp he perennially is.

This upsets Morge, who bursts in wearing a homemade costume composed of blue paper, scotch tape, a green dress, pearls, a ping pong ball cut in half, some dots drawn on with a sharpie, and - perhaps most importantly for our purposes - an angry Australian(??) man shouting incoherently.

The two fall to arguing, which sounds like a beach full of sea lions at mating season, then Morge quite predictably punches her son’s face in and feasts on the goo inside, which looks to me like a mix of tomatoes and meat. For the Simpsons-unsavvy, “meat” is what Lisa doesn’t eat and “tomatoes” are half of a tomacco.

After extensive research, the only other things I can tell you about these dudes is that they call themselves “Soggy Nugget,” they have more YouTube subs than me, and their most popular video is a 3D scene of some Jabbawockeez #failing to drink a saucer of milk at you.

I think the great Ethan Gillespie summed it up best in the channel’s most recent comment when they said:

Drawing Mr. Burns from The Simpsons by Intrigue Me

If you’re like me, you might experience an engaging piece of art like that above and feel energized to try and make your own. But what if you don’t have drugs, or a friend, or a pan? One easy workaround is to get into the notoriously easy animation field - but first, you’ll need to be able to draw. And naturally, your first step toward drawing Simpsons characters is to draw what look like off-brand knockoffs of the Simpsons characters. Enter YouTube coach Intrigue Me.

Who knew Patty and Selma had a third sister, Also Selma But Not Quite? I bet Homer hates her fucking guts and for similar reasons. The unnamed host of all the Intrigue Me tutorial videos draws pretty much all the Simpsons regulars, but he didn’t always. Early on, he flailed around from subject to subject, seemingly unsure what sort of mediocre drawings people out there were desperate to replicate.

For a brief period, all of his videos were paid promotions for something called SCRIBIT, which is to “skibidi” as “rizz” is to “RIBBIT.” As far as I can tell, it’s a futuristic device for drawing the goatse image anywhere you want at Banksy sizes. Frogs, the reasoning goes, are attracted to the ‘RIBIT’ in ‘SCRIBIT,’ and can be easily captured as they leap floppily and ineffectually at the false gaping butthole drawn on the wall of your breakfast nook.

If you’re interested, you can buy your own SCRIBIT at that mall store, Wider Image. But what I’d like to refocus on are Intrigue Me’s Simpsons sketches, like this one of Mr. Burns.

It actually looks okay, but the real highlight is the endless urge our guy has to explain the show as he works, in the deadest terms possible. Here’s his relation of the classic Simpsons banger “Release the hounds!”

Dude, I love this. The next time I’m with friends I will absolutely be like “Remember that joke in The Simpsons where one of the titular family members, possibly Marge or Barney Simpson, strangles someone who has displeased them as a showing of their negative feelings toward the smaller person, resulting from what they had previously done with ill intent, the smaller human being called a child, I think it was Bart?” Incidentally, the opposite move also works; for instance I once recounted the whole of Homer’s The Odyssey with just a gif of Bender saying “I’m back, baby!”

The Simpsons couch gag by Lee Hardcastle

If the first drink in your Small Flight of Simpsons Weirdness was a shot of bourbon, and the second was a pickleback, our last entry would be the gasoline you siphon from a stranger’s car at dawn so you can drive home. Which sucks, because that means two out of three weren’t even drinks, really, and this metaphorical bar should be review-bombed immediately. But no amount of one-star reviews will save us from claymation animator Lee Hardcastle, whose mind is definitely in the running for “most likely to bring back the descriptor ‘twisted.’”

Lee mashes up The Simpsons with gruesome horror and crime flicks, which usually entails mashing up large amounts of Play-Doh too. Here’s his “parody” of You’re Next, in the sense that the rat-cleaned eye sockets of your dead loved one are a parody of the life that once resided there.

After watching Jimbo Jones cut her baby up with a machete, Marge gets scalped, wrestles a shotgun away from one of the bullies, and slaughters everyone in the room before dying herself. It’s so fucking disgusting the only thing I can think to compare it to is Shakespeare, the most lauded author in all of the English language. It’s that despicable.

Lee’s done a whole series of these, one of which mashes up a scene from Reservoir Dogs with the Pixies song from Fight Club, which I believe is how you summon Rick Sanchez. Highlights include Hans Moleman getting his head blown off at the tender age of thirty-one and Moe Szyslak doing his best impression of experimental torture-porn film Begotten.

Of course, Begotten is a meditation on the violence inherent in creation, endless cycle of decay, and existential threat humanity poses to the Earth that sustains us, whereas Lee’s video is kind of a downer. Also I’m not sure why they couldn’t make Marge hotter? Really pisses me off.

Until next time…

…I’ve been the Joker, babies.

Michael (V.) - The Joker.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: FancyShark, a bootleg Bart whispering in the night, ‘Eat my scream.’

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