Fucking Day: Kissin Cousins

In 2020, I wrote about Blue Hawaii, a movie where Elvis spanked the depression out of a teen girl, and I thought that was probably the worst thing Elvis ever did in a movie. Then I saw the Elvis classic Kissin' Cousins, which is so immediately more insane than that. The title sequence crushes Blue Hawaii under its sexually upsetting lyrics. "Cousins, Kissin' Cousins, kissing's allowed because we're proud to be cousins," is the first sentence uttered in this movie. EXCUSE ME, ELVIS. Kissing is not more allowed for cousins. There's no kissin' loophole for cousins.

The premise of this movie is that incest is silly and cute. The happy ending is that Elvis builds a U.S. missile base and marries his cousin. It's the number one most requested film in all maximum security prisons. It opens with the U.S. government, the good guy of this movie, toying with the idea of murdering a bunch of hillbillies so that they can build a missile base on their mountain. We'll call that Plan B. Plan A is to call in Elvis, some guy from the general area, to see if he can speak to the hillbillies about going away.

It's a good thing Elvis decided to prevent the army from murdering the hillbillies because they are hot and his cousins, so he knows a cool sex loophole he's about to exploit! I think this genre of film is called an "eminent domain incest romp." There's a blonde girl hillbilly, and a brunette one, and they have a brother named Jodie, who's also played by Elvis in a blonde wig. He went full Nutty Professor on this one.

Elvis and Jodie look so much alike because Jodie is the great-great-grandson of Elvis's great-great aunt. So really, the girls aren't even related enough to Elvis to be kissin' him. They're pretty distant cousins, which makes their relationship less disturbing on a genetic level, but it's way more disturbing that both of Elvis's cousins want to fuck him even though he looks exactly like their full blood brother. This is not a problem for anyone. The girls are automatically like, "Sure, you can blow up our mountain or whatever as long as you make out with us." Elvis obliges.

He sings a song to his hot cousins called "There's Gold In The Mountains," which made me long for a time when people were more poetically horny. It contains the line "every single boy feels the height of joy when he climbs those mountain peaks," which is a double entendre about his cousin's boobs, but damn it, it's a fun one.

Elvis and his hot cousins, who are duking it out to bang him, lead the army to the home of Pappy, owner of the mountain. Pappy's wife, Ma, accepts Josh as kin. The girls who are both in love with Elvis refer to him as "Cousin Josh" from this moment on in the movie. Before Josh can meet Pappy, the army men are attacked by a group of feral hillbilly women called the Kitty Hawks who roam the mountain looking for "men who will give them boy babies" because no boys have been born in their valley in 20 years. They are not looking for romance; they jump on these men and start tonguing them down like ice cream cones.

Some of the men try to pull the Kitty Hawks off, and some of them are like, "Sweet, it's Orgy With My Coworkers Day." Pappy shows up with a ridiculous amount of opossums hanging from his neck. It's frankly a show-offy amount of opossums, and he wards the Kitty Hawks off with a shotgun. He then explains that these women are a problem because they frighten the game off the mountain during their horny hunts. There's some pretty decent background acting from the soldiers who are mortified to hear about this mob of thirsty women after their dongs.

Pappy invites Elvis and his army captain to dinner to discuss the possibility of selling the mountain top, but it doesn't go well, and he ends up taking off to hunt and think, leaving Elvis alone with his hot daughters, a ridiculous mistake everyone saw coming but him. Elvis sings a little shanty about how it sucks that he can't have a threesome with both of his cousins. I believe it's called, "If Only It Were Socially Acceptable To Bang Every Cousin I See." Very in keeping with the theme of the movie.

Eventually, Elvis chooses Brunette Cousin and hooks the Blonde Cousin up with a soldier who looks nothing like her brother, but she still likes him for some reason? He decides that with Pappy gone, the army should attempt to persuade the women to persuade Pappy by taking them shopping in Knoxville. For some absolutely unfathomable reason, during their shopping spree, the hot cousins buy bikinis for every woman in the roving feral hillbilly sex army.

They give the Kitty Hawks the bikinis under the condition they leave Elvis and the other army men alone. Of course, the Kitty Hawks agree, take the bikinis, and then say, "You fools! You've only made my hillbilly sex powers go Super Saiyan!" Then, they run away to terrify animals and lure army men into their bikini trap. Operation: Bribe The Sex Mob With Bikinis has to be the most poorly considered plan in military history.

Pappy's hunting dog returns without Pappy, which can only mean one thing: dog strike, the dogs are unionizing. Or, Pappy's in a whole heap of trouble. Elvis and the other army men volunteer to go look for Pappy but are distracted by the bikini-clad sex mob the hot cousins created. Eventually, the sex mob joins the hunt for Pappy, and they find him dangling precariously from his overalls by a canyon like a fleeing baby that got picked up by an adult for being naughty. The army rescues Pappy from his unfortunate overalls mishap and they throw a big moonshine party for everyone to celebrate.

Blonde Elvis has been absent for most of the movie. Elvis plays him as a dead-eyed thug, and since the movie magic they used in the early '60s for one actor to play two characters wasn't great, his main job was to stand in the background and look blurry. He has a small romance plot with a female army clerk where basically she doesn't want to date him and then realizes he's Elvis and, therefore, actually very hot, so she will date him. Anyway, during the moonshine party, blonde Elvis makes his longest appearance in the movie to sing a song about how he loves women's feet.

"Surely there won't be anything more deranged than a mob of sex crazed hillbillies," you, a fool, thought. Women lay on the ground with their feet in the air so Elvis can croon at them. This is a filler song. They needed something to slot between rescuing a man from certain death and incest marriage, and they decided on a foot song. Why not another ode to cousin fucking, oh, wait, they saved that for the closing number.

In the end, Elvis manages to negotiate a peace settlement that works for Pappy. It hinges on all government personnel promising to stay off his side of the mountain, which means the ATF can't regulate his illegal moonshine still, and, I guess, he won't have to pay taxes? Or at least that's what Pappy thinks, and the army's first plan was to murder Pappy, so he's getting a pretty good deal no matter what. The movie ends with a reprise of the title song about cousin kissin' as Elvis makes out with his cousin in a big pile of hay surrounded by various Kitty Hawk women and army guys going to town on each other.

Hey guys, what was that? What just happened? I blacked out. Was the article good? Did I mention Kissin' Cousins contains the lyrics, "We'll kiss all night. I'll squeeze her tight, but we're kissin' cousins 'n that makes it alright!"? I hope I didn't. This might be the only movie Elvis ever made that's even more upsetting than his personal life.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joseph Searles, cousin loophole connoisseur and prolific foot shanty author.

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