Learning Day: Lawless

Just who was the Earth monster known as Brian Bosworth?

Historians have been asking this question for countless star-cycles. When the planet Earth was exploded in their year 2025, only scant information of the life-forms and civilizations which once populated the planet survived. Since the discovery of that world's remains, our scientists have puzzled their thought-lobes over fragments of data describing terms like "Garfield Eats" and "Alex from Target." But above all, they were fascinated by a name: "Brian 'The Boz' Bosworth." Many an astro-archaeologist has dreamt, nestled in their gooey contemplation pod, of unlocking the secrets of this name. And today, we are pleased to share the fruits of their labor: a reconstructed ocular enter-brainment experience depicting the life of Brian Bosworth, God-King of the Earthmen. Please set your genital autostimulation devices to silent for the duration of the presentation.

Be not fooled by this first image, friends. That is not the face-representation of Brian Bosworth. It is, instead, the hindquarters of a human female creature. Such images figure prominently in this narrative. It is now our contention that the Earth bipeds had three sexual configurations: female, male, and the Boz. A far cry from our own seventeen! By the time of this vid-recording, the struggle between the female and male sex-types had ended. They now lived in comparative peace brought about by their joint recognition of the superiority of the Boz.

Elsewhere, a primitive projectile weapon is inspected. Commerce is in progress — an exchange of killing-tools for green slips of condensed vegetable matter, which we believe were used to insulate human nest-dwellings. But the trade is interrupted by the arrival of another: one who bears the remains of incinerated birds. Eat it, he implores. Eat of the bird and gain fuel-energy for your trade-deal.

He is Reggie, squire to the Boz. And the traders are right to suspect deception. For the bucket of Reggie contains not only animal sustenance, but explosive distractions.

A carefully-staged ruse! Enter Brian Bosworth.

He arrives! My palps quiver with excitement in anticipation of gazing upon the face of the Boz. He removes his cranial protection sphere and…

At last! The Boz is glorious. His foes describe him as a "big blond ugly monster-looking sucker." They must be punished for their insolence. The Boz deals a swift series of blows to his opponents from the wheels of his motor-conveyance. And he speaks! "This just isn't your lucky day," the Boz informs them. "Luck," of course, is the name of the bird food-matter which has been promised, then denied. The Boz and Reggie, triumphant, prepare to depart.

The enemies of Brian Bosworth mount a final attempt to destroy him. One further surprise for them!

The discarded helm worn by the Boz in fact contained pyrotechnic devices! His foes are defeated. "Nope, just wasn't their lucky day," he repeats. Clearly, this was a fierce society of warriors, in which bird meat accrued only to the most valorous. These men have proven undeserving.

Next, we see a single word, an honorific title by which Brian Bosworth is referred to throughout this reconstruction. The laws which bound the Earthmen and women of his time could not restrain him. He worked outside of the socio-legal institutions that structured Earth society. He was, in a very real sense, "Lawless" — without the law.

A successful mission. The Boz relaxes with his closest companion, Reggie. Amorous and crafty, Reggie pleads with the Boz to remove his vest-garment in the hopes that his naked, glistening torso will draw human females towards them. The Boz is displeased at this suggestion. Despite the desire-inducing pheromones he emits at all times, copulation is not among his chief concerns.

Indeed, no mate of either earth-sex could survive the experience of coupling with him. The Boz seeks only justice, which may have been a kind of fruit. In this moment, he seeks it with Reggie at the nest-establishment of Reggie's mother.

Yet the mother of Reggie is most pleased not to see her offspring, but the Boz. Is she fond of him as a son? Or as a mate-lover? This is impossible to determine with certainty, though I can feel the eggplugs quiver all through the fertile among you! It would, of course, be a great honor for Reggie to have his birthing parent take Brian Bosworth as either.

Currently, however, the Boz is otherwise occupied. His energies have been directed towards the human female Maggie Dixon, whom one member of our research team cryptically describes as "a Courtney Cox type."

At this meeting, she wears the hair of another human to disguise her identity. But the Boz immediately sees through this illusion. He absconds with Maggie Dixon's personal card collection and enters his hidden lair to perform a series of mystical operations using the same.

By accessing a worldwide network of machines we now believe was used chiefly to transmit Brian Bosworth-related information around the globe, the Boz confirms that Maggie Dixon is concealing the truth from him.

Confronted with this information, she relents and explains her circumstances. Maggie Dixon assisted in the guilt-confirmation of human criminal male, Jorge Villanova. Now, his pair-sibling Tony seeks revenge on her, and the man who previously took responsibility for her protection/concealment has vanished. And at that very moment, two human males arrive and capture Brian Bosworth and Maggie Dixon.

Is all lost? Recall that the Boz is an avatar not merely of physical strength and sexual potency, but also of trickery. Earlier, he induced his lieutenant-ally Reggie to disguise himself as a distraction. Here, he induces his lieutenant-ally Reggie to disguise himself as a distraction. The Boz is nothing if not economical. Behold his cunning, behold the hatted treachery of Reggie!

The trio make their escape in Reggie's tamed sky-beast and seek out Maggie Dixon's contact. They arrive to discover his life-spirit has already been severed from his flesh by the agents of Tony. Brian Bosworth dispatches these men by leaping down upon them in the manner of a normal Earth monster. Next star slide, please. Warriors, record and mark precious this death hop of Bosworth.

Undeterred, the Boz pays a visit to Tony, a man who makes his nest in a water-conveyance and has accrued many desirable females. Yet Brian Bosworth's arrival startles him, reminds him that all of his wealth, possessions, and mates are his merely because the Boz has not yet decided to claim them for himself.

Brian Bosworth insists vestfully that Tony cease his pursuit of Maggie Dixon. Thus far, he reminds Tony, he has merely had to contend with the might of states and the structures of law enforcement. Now, he is given a chance to abort his operations before the full force of the Boz comes down upon him like the meteor which may have exploded the Earth. Though a man of no laws, Boz did live by one rule: No Gindaloons. Please do not ask. Gindaloons is a word appearing nowhere else in the fossil record of Earth, and many scholars have died trying to uncover its meaning.

Tony, however, is a fool. Perhaps, as some theorize, a gindaloon. He believes that he will feast upon the bird of luck despite antagonizing the Boz. His overconfidence will be his undoing.

Indeed, his sense-organs have already been deceived! Brian Bosworth has concealed an undetectable device within a vessel containing the liquid compound of hydrogen and oxygen, which transmits to him the secret plans of Tony!

This device allows the Boz to anticipate Tony's machinations. When two men — apparent officers of the law seeking Maggie Dixon — apprehend him, he sees through their deceit-fraud. He calls upon Reggie to descend from the sky and spirit him away to safety.

Now, compare these next two images. The first depicts the Boz alongside Maggie Dixon and the Reggie mother.

What could be more natural? And yet, in the second image, Reggie bemoans this state of affairs. But it is not for Reggie to decide the way of the Earth-world or the means by which its women and vests shall be distributed. That is for the Boz alone. Despair in the cosmic impotence of non-Boz, Reggie!

The Boz is absent from this sequence. We all wish to know: where is the Boz? Reggie, at least, provides us with more details of his legend. The two of them were soldiers in the forces of their hive-nation. It is inconceivable to us now, but Reggie was ordered by his superior-elder to abandon Brian Bosworth during a violence conflict. Reggie disobeyed this directive and recovered the Boz. Their flying beast was destroyed, but the Boz led them safely out of the wilds and they have been bonded ever since.

Perhaps it is that bond which recalls the Boz to Reggie's side now, when Tony's forces capture Maggie Dixon and intend to murder-kill Reggie. The positions are swiftly reversed, with Brian Bosworth and Reggie presiding over the interrogation of one of Tony's men. They have fitted him with a handsome bouquet of chemical explosives and insist that he reveal to them the location of Maggie Dixon and Tony should he wish to retain his molecules in the pattern he has become accustomed to.

Meanwhile: Maggie Dixon is in the custody of Tony and brother Jorge, the latter of whom has escaped prison by means of staging his own expiration. A joyous reunion of brood-siblings interrupted by — what else? — the promised crashing down of the Boz from the sky. Forgive my candor, this next star slide is fucking sweet.

Faced with such consequences, Tony and Jorge attempt to escape to the sky. But their efforts are thwarted by Reggie wielding a cylinder which causes sky-beasts to go to sleep. No laughter, please, we are all aware it looks like a mud j'zzlar collection tube.

All is well! The plot of Tony and Jorge has been terminated. My tendrils ooze with relief-pleasure.

Reggie has once again proven his heroism to the Boz. For his great deeds, he has earned the right to wear a sleeveless garment over his thorax, in the manner of Brian Bosworth.

Lastly, we receive a brief glimpse of the subsequent adventures of Brian Bosworth. My contrition nodules pulsate regretfully — the full recordings of these tales have been forever lost. Yet this image tantalizes the imagination, does it not?

We here conclude our presentation of a view-look into the life of Brian "the Boz" Bosworth. We still know so little, yet we do know this: as the only surviving name and image of the long since exploded Earth, he must have been a figure of great and lasting renown. Some, indeed, hypothesize that he may have escaped the destruction of the planet in some manner. Perhaps even now, he exists as a being of pure energy and light somewhere out in the cosmos.

Oh and also he played football we think.

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