Fucking Day: Less Vanilla

I'm not sure how many questions strung together equals an interrogation, but I can tell you in my opinion, it's way less than 223. Writing for this website has made me aware there's a type of person out there who thinks that if there's a problem in their relationship, they must simply not have enough data. Marriages and Applebee's dining experiences both require lengthy surveys to determine customer satisfaction. If you answer all 223 questions you could win a coupon that lets you put in 10% less effort during your subsequent sexual encounter.

We all know there aren't really 223 questions in this book. I'd say there are conservatively around ten questions wearing different hats and mustaches to fool you into thinking you're getting a whole new question. As a method of collecting relationship-saving data, it sucks, which is crazy because the book promises so much upfront. For one thing, right up top they guarantee there are no silly questions in this book. Most of these sex question books contain one or two fun ones as a prank, but you'll find none of that tomfoolery here!

Not a single silly question is a pretty high bar, and I don't think they cleared it. Only 35 questions in, they ask if you want to explore each other's bodies in a blanket fort. This might enrich your most vital bond, but it's also kind of silly.

The book also invents something called a "reverse striptease" where you put little outfits on your spouse that you like. This was in the 200s which is when ideas start to run thin in these books. Question 192 introduced the phrase "erotic treasure hunt" to my vocabulary. You can't go around pretending to be serious marriage-saving sex questions and then write like a little scamp who wants to play dress up and pirates in your blanket fort, I'm sorry, erotic blanket fort.

They even suggest tickling or having a competitive pillow fight, which is straight-up ridiculous because, as we all know, competitive pillow fighting is a serious sport. If we're going to have a competitive pillow fight with a regulation competition pillow, one of us could end up seriously injured, which isn't going to enrich our most vital bond at all.

This book is working so hard to be a serious sex therapy device from someone who only knows of therapy as that thing from the Rob Liefeld comic, Shrink. They're going to use every fancy trick they know to convince you this book is serious, though. Tricks include telling you it won't be silly right up front and attempting to include inspirational quotes from smart people. In fact, this sex book opens with a quote from Tony Robbins.

Motivational speaker Tony Robbins is now motivating you to get wet. They could use more sexy Tony Robbins quotes throughout the book because most of the time, the author just writes something they want to add under a question and then pretends it's a quote from "unknown." This makes the quote seem mysterious.

They think this adds gravitas to the book. I think it looks like they're stealing copy from blindfolds.com. The attribution to Unknown is slightly better than the quote they attribute to "Inspired by Relationship Wisdom." It's like the person writing the book didn't think they were allowed to do that, so they're sneaking their little opinions in with mysterious quotes. We don't know who said this, but that's fine because it's mostly nothing anyway, so we don't need to care. I think it's mostly about padding out questions that are only one sentence long.

While this book does technically contain 223 sexy questions, a lot of the questions boil down to one question, and that question is, "Do you want to have a threesome?" A more honest book title would be 50 Ways To Ask Your Partner If They Want To Have a Threesome and Like 173 Other Questions For Cover: They'll Never Suspect a Thing. Do Not Show Them The Title Of This Book.

They're trying to wade you into the idea of a threesome like a hot tub full of supermodels. I see what you're doing, book. Maybe you just need to ask the same thing but word it a different way that says no matter what, this ends in a threesome? The only question is now or later. Let's try that.

Also, the idea of having sex in front of a window comes up a lot. It's twice on the same page with questions 94 and 96. This sort of makes it read like the author is getting increasingly more desperate for the answer they want to that question. "Oh, look at that, it's another question about sex in front of the window! Weird. Where were we on that one? Still yes?"

At least the repeated questions have some fun phrasing, "This or That," "Hot or Not," "Rate The Rush," all stolen from J-14 Magazine, but at least they're all playful and cute. Some of the questions get way more clinical. "Sequence these types of kisses from most to least desirable," for instance, brings too much math into sex. I'm not sequencing shit and staying horny. That is impossible.

Those are all the kiss choices? Two for humans and two for hungry birds? Keep your nerd mouth away from mine, nibbler. I don't see how this kind of robotic sexual surveying is making anyone less Vanilla. No one wants to explain sex to a robot and then fuck it, sorry, wait, I'm hearing lots of people do? Like so many? What if I told you the robot was definitely trying to get a threesome going, and they're not that subtle about it?

They're also big on nude resorts and visiting nude resorts together. A lot of interest in getting around other naked people in general. I'm starting to wonder if it's not a robot but some kind of genital eating alien looking to trick humans into exposing all of our soft parts to it. Getting as many naked humans as possible into one location seems to be its ultimate goal, but for what purpose? I don't trust it.

Are you the kind of loser who wants to go to a boring stupid nude pool all by yourself like a dumb dummy? Or are you the brilliant genius who wants to show hole at the TOTALLY AWESOME NAKED DONG-FLOPPING RAD PARTY RESORT!? It's not a silly question!

Don't worry, the monster at the end of this book isn't a spooky genital eating robot as may have been previously suggested. It's the monster we're all familiar and comfortable with: capitalism. I found the other 200 questions. Acadia Taylor realized she was giving away too much of her great advice all at once. After all, she's a certified "sex-positive intimate relationship enthusiast." I highly respect someone with the audacity to make up a job title for themselves that sounds so close to being real while actually being nothing.

What people really need to fix their boring relationships is a 15-volume, Encyclopedia Britannica-sized collection of erotic questions. Are most of them about gathering as many nude people into one place as possible, potentially to make them battle like Pokemon? Probably. It doesn't matter what the true ultimate goal of the erotic questions is. What's important is that they are asked erotically.

Writing a six-part erotic tome is quite a feat, but of course there's still more to come. You didn't think it was only six parts, did you? As we all know, the more reading you have to do, the more erotic it is. Each book costs three dollars to download, so you're looking at a total of 21 dollars for the full series, including this book, which we can all agree was a triumph. Because "Vanilla" is definitely not what you call someone who spent $3 to ask you if you want to go fuck outside 38 different ways.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Nicholas Lovino, whose ultimate goal is also getting as many naked humans as possible into one location.

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