Fucking Day - Yaoi XMas Songs

It’s time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and/or getting railed by a thicc daddy. That’s right, I’m fulfilling my blood oath to the god of weird shit by returning to the fertile hotdog ground of Steve Warky Nunez’s Yaoi Xmas Songs. If you don’t remember Mormon parody song artist Steve Warky Nunez, that’s fine. He loves spreading the gospel of the Mormon church almost but not quite as much as he loves manga where guys do some spreading of their own. Christmas is big for both Mormons and people who are willing to make Santa Claus pick up a copy of Dick Fight Island 2.

Warky’s Christmas album is not a physical thing you can purchase at Spencer’s Gifts and absolutely nowhere else. It’s a glorious collection of twenty-six YouTube lyrics videos with images from various manga, anime, and fanart as a backdrop. Before I tell you about the songs, I should explain a couple of hip yaoi slang words for context. A seme, is a top, an uke is a bottom, and I think also kind of a petite guy, sort of like a twink, or maybe a bishie is more of a twink, because that term generally means something like a pretty boy. If there’s a word you don’t understand, you can just assume it translates to hot man in some way.

Let's begin with one of the most popular Yaoi Christmas songs that Warky has produced, "Last Seme," a parody of "Last Christmas" by WHAM!, a song that I didn't think could get any gayer, but life finds a way. This song has 91 thousand views on YouTube, and that's because it pulls you in immediately with its opening lyrics.

What is the meaning of Christmas? Is it possibly two dudes going at it in a motel, really giving new meaning to being filled with the Christmas spirit, heyo! Some people might prefer the punnier Yaoi Christmas song titles, like "Gay Ride." It works so well it's almost a triple entendre. Lyrically, however, I find "Gay Ride" to be less impressive as a whole work because it wanders off the topic of Christmas quite a bit and is mostly about shaving a fucking hot bear. That feels a bit summery to me. I worry that the bear will get cold.

A song that balances both a punny title and genuinely good parody lyrics is "Feliz Yaoidad." There are a lot of good things about "Feliz Yaoidad," none of which are the photo of a reindeer man grabbing Santa's crotch with the words, "Let's do Santa Claus sexual harassment" in the far right corner. I have been wished a Yaoi Christmas, and in return, I would like to wish for any other kind of Christmas that might be available. Oh, you only have kick in the dick Christmas? That's fine. I'll take it.

As I got deeper into the album, I learned that it starts off as a gentler and more playful exploration of boys kissing at Christmastime. Then, it quickly develops into more and more specific and hardcore fetishes. The escalation is perfect for comedic effect. I'm not sure I've ever laughed harder while writing an article. You hear a phrase like, "Spank your catboy until he purrs," and I'm not sure exactly what I expect to follow it, but it's definitely not, "fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Deck The Balls" only has 21K views, a far cry from "Gay Ride"'s 91K. I think it's because it's far less creative. It strays from the format of trying to creatively combine Christmas songs and hot gay sex in favor of just listing outrageous subgenres of Yaoi in a big pile. We can do better with our ball songs.

Some of the songs are more Halloween than Christmas inspired because the very title instills a deep sense of dread and resignation in me. For instance the "Frosty The Snowman" parody "Uke The Poleman" forced me to Google, "What is a Poleman?" It turns out a Poleman is just a person who uses a pole for a variety of purposes. I'm so aware of what purpose the pole will be used for. In this version of Frosty, he keeps his corncob pipe and his button nose, but instead of two eyes made out of cole, he has a big old glory hole. Also, when Frosty leaves, he promises that when he returns, he'll be even more gay.

There's sort of an obsession with being more gay in a lot of these songs, and I just want to say, I don't think that's possible. This is maximum gay. I think if you try to be gayer than this you somehow turn inside out and are straight. Congratulations! Top gayness has been achieved on this album, or should I say seme greatness? This article has made me personally at least 35% more gay.

You may be wondering what's the MOST popular song on the Yaoi Christmas album? I think a large part of the reason the most popular song got 142K views is because it has a good title that a lot of people with varied interests would consider clicking. It's called "Big Dong," and it's a parody of "Angels We Have Heard On High." For SEO reasons, the title definitely works, and the rhyming is mostly on point. Instead of opening with, "Angels we have heard on high," the lyrics are, "Big dong hanging from that guy." From there, it gets a little bit filthy.

I respect "Big Dong", and I get why it's the most popular song on the album (because it's funny to send your friends a song called "Big Dong," I'm doing it right now). However, I had to ask myself what songs did Warky miss that are rife for parody. I would have liked to see more ball work on the album. Balls are really funny, and Christmas has a lot of them. He did "Carol Of The Balls," of course, and "Jiggly Balls," as well as "Deck The Balls," but only three balls songs on the entire Yaoi Christmas album? I went in expecting more balls. "Jiggly Balls" instead of "Jingle Bells" is the best of the ball songs. The call to action that everybody should sing along to "Jiggly Balls" gets me every time.

I was surprised to find that writing Yaoi Christmas music is harder than it looks. I tried to spitball some ideas and had a pretty tough time. Everything I came up with is either too obvious "Santa Claus Is Cumming on Clowns”, or way too niche "The Snow/Heat Miser Song But The Subtext Is Text And They're Fucking Now." There's the obvious, "Hard Andy Christmas" for country fans, or "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas (Wink)." The wink at the end is going a lot of heavy lifting. Sometimes, I like it when the titles are obvious. Of course instead of "Let It Snow" we're doing "Let Him Blow." It's kind of genius in its simplicity.

Well, I think we've celebrated Christmas and the beauty of the male body sufficiently. Also, there was a lot of stuff about catboys. I never expected to listen to a full lyrical celebration of catboys, but I did participate in that. I'm part of it and now so are you. Merry Christmas, and I'm sorry.

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