Fucking Day: The Kitty Kama Sutra

Well this one is kinda a public service Hotdog Write-It-Up, were gonna try and help some of our congregation what might have a terrible infliction and dont even know it but were here to assist. Now probly most of us when somebody asks us: do we like cats? a reasonable answer is the same as when someone asks us: do we like kids? which is to say: some of them. Like the barn cats here at our place are great, they work pretty hard keepin the mice down and guarding vintage pornagraphy caches and their real pretty and affectionate and dont seem to care that they dont have names. I guess with cats its like most things where its probly that curve where theres a few rad ones and most of em are in the big boring middle and then a-course theres some assholes in there which: in the case of kids and cats maybe we dont’ hafta BLAME them per say, but that don’t mean we wanna spend much time around them. But then theres some among us who have contracted the fatal attraction syndrome known as toximitosis I believe, which is a parasite which makes you just love cats in more of a brainwashed way, like just capital S simp for a cat no matter how terrible it is, and it appears there may be a hormonesal affect here on how it hits you:

So thats a real embarrassing debilitator just walkin among us when your like: Whats that delicious movie-popcorn smell? and its your cat pissed on your church crocs. You can get a blood test for it but thats kinda a pain in the ass and its always a little weird when you recognize your phlebotomist was working the drive-thru at wendys just the week before. An Im not sayin I deserve your trust to take this one on, its just that I think weve all been hurt in our lives by seein someone we love become a asshole-cat apologist and just overtime just sacrificin more and more of there dignity and self-respect to increasingly elaborate cat-appeasin ritualistic behaviors. Again, if we heard somebody sayin: “yeah my kid scratched me up real bad when I looked at her too long and then she threw up and shit on the stairs cuz i put the dry food on top of the wet instead of vise versa, what a cutie” we’d probably want to help them out, so thats what Im going for here.

So how CAN one such as one who is reading this know if they are infected? As always its our brave publishin industry what has come to the rescue by providin us some texts that can help us determine if asking my doctor about testing is right for me. Here’s one LaRene and I found in a craft store the other day:

This one honestly seems to contain some genuine imagination and joy and Im in a pretty glass house when it comes to huckin rocks at other peoples black kettles of findin a personally-fulfillin niche creative endeavour, so Im not saying you for sure have the brain poison if you find something cute in this one.

Like this here could be attribeautible to just overexposure to Andrew Lloyd Weber at a crucial developmental stage rather than the parasite per se. The willingness to keep the butthole covered kinda makes me lean in that direction. Maybe only if you actually bought a copy should you be worried.

This one, on the other hand, seems to be a more accurate and sensitive toxoplasmoistus home-test:

Like maybe take a moment right now to reflect on your inner internal cognitive and emotional reactionaries to just the cover. And physiological. Like if you feel like a soul nausea or involuntary looked away from your phone and or said “goddammit” under your breath: that is a good and healthy reflex. If on the other hand you felt a lil stir of interest or emotional warmth then you should definitely proceed and complete this screening process. And I know we don’t have direct control about what are genitals are up to down there but if this got your downstairs twitching then we will for now call that: “not lookin good”.

This one took a lil more do diligence of author research than normal: when you click on Richard Smith on the amazon page at first it doesn’t look like he did anything else, but I kept diggin and found that, even though Richard for some reason didn’t connect the Cat Sex Manual to the rest of his bibliography, he has more than a couple of humor classics under his belt:

Dont worry, you can enjoy that one even if your names not Dieter.

Yes I did order that one. Im already composing a polite yet assirtive email in my mind to the reseller if the whistle does not work to my satisfaction.

But anyway yes i realize I’m stallin here a bit, we better actually crack the cover of Fanciful Sex Positions for Cats and proceed with the assessment battery here. Okay, whatta we got

Ok so here we begin to see the shape of the thing. It looks like were gonna be pretending its A) cats readin this directly and NOT B) humans readin it and then helping there cats do the tips and positions. And already we are seeing that there will be some racism sprinkles throughout. Again, center yourself and consult with your innermost self and ask: which is better, A) or B)? If yourself answered yourself with anything other than No then you are at increased risk.

Lets proceed with a review of the pertnent history:

Okay so here we learn maybe kinda the range and spectrum of feline sexuality that Richard thinks is cute and fair game for this book he wrote and a editor edited and the printer printed and the bookstore ordered and people bought it. Up for discussion is: kitty litter emits a horny smell, some cats have small penises but still can orgasm, cats with birds nonconsentually, and cats jackin and jillin it so hard they throw up and cant see. Which is pretty intense, but vision usually returns within about 20 minutes. I believe.

Here there is only one correct reaction the uninfected will be thinkin which is: I apologize to Sissyneck that i thought for even a second he might go too hard on a harmless lil book.

Alright lets do a visual one:

Where do your eyes go? Where do they linger? Which elements of the drawing a illustrator was hopefully paid top-tier Deviant Art rates to create did you like best? Note your responses and then also note that if you answered any of these questions at all that means you werent hurriedly and furtively looking around to make sure no-one could see what was on your screen while you frantically scrolled past and that is a sadly a sign of high susseptibility to our infection of concern.

Here is another picture I took a picture of and cropped and re-sized for you:

If you were at all inclined to show this to another person for whatever reason at all please close your browser window and present to a urgent care center immediately. Doing it ironical does not matter, as we have discussed: this malady is very psychicologically well-defended.

And now, the afterbath:

Which page do you prefer? Left? In which the cats watch pornography of their food and “observe and learn”? Which in terms of my own life would be like watchin a Cupbop corndog penetrate a Maverik Bonfire Grill Glazed Triangle Donut again and again and thinkin: “Maybe I can too…”

Or the page on the right? Which suggests that most of the time when you touch a cat anywhere at all you are edgin’ it ever closer and closer still to sexual climax?

I’m waiting for your answer…the experiment requires that you continue.

Well now maybe I have been going too hard. Maybe the fun of this book is that were using kittycats to help us explore and articulate our own forbidden desires and sexual secret wishes.

Wrong. This was a deception item. If you were at all swayed by the above statement, please allow the shame to reside within you for at least 10 minute before beginnin your healin self-compassion exercises.

Whoa wait, tuna fondle is in this book!? Huh its always a little unsettlin when somethin you thought was a very private and your-bedroom-only thing is just out there in the public world. Like when a friend in Korea sent us some good snacks and LaRene saw my eyes get real wide when I tried one of the honey soy sauce crisp thingies and it was a little awkward explaining why they tasted so familiar. Mostly still funny though. But I digress, we’re not here about me today.

Look at the image on the left and softly allow your mind to just fill in the blank with whatever word surfaces first: “What big ______ you have!” Isn’t that gross? Yes it is.

Now look at the image on the right: construct a mental bookmark (choose the colors you like best!) and place it carefully in the farmers almanac of your soul where you will never forget: a cross-eyed cat means it is constantly feeling “that way”.

And now, a small, but welcome, break from illustrations. We return to the majesty of the written word:

Did you squint to read any of those? Did you re-read any of the phrases? Did you wish Sissyneck took the time to re-type the text like Dennard so you could read it better? If so, please sign this release of information that will allow me to share protected health information with your family or guardian and let them know they should expect a call from my front desk staff (Trayton) before the end of business hours today and are they sitting down.

Next:

Please proceed to a mirror or activate your frontfacing camera and compare your face to Mr. Goat’s:

If you note any differences at all, or feel anything other than a overwhelmin surge of sympathy and regret, you will need to arrange for someone to drive you to and pick you up from the medical offices.

Okay, we will end with a review of the part what the normal Kama Sutra is best known for and helps us know that: if someone thinks its a real sex book? They are probably a older cousin. Yes, it’s the sex positions. Please rank the following in terms of upsettin. And also: remember that Author Richard Smith makes it very clear that in each of these the cat penis has entered and is residing within the cat vagina.

Please begin.

Okay, if you are still reading please hang up and dial 911 but also its the middle one is the worst right? I know it should be the last one but its not its the middle one and If I can ever articulate why, well, I’ll see you there in the ER and maybe we can share some ice chips and convaless together from the brain surgery or whatever they gotta do to get the worms out but until then I hope your Healin Journey contains Everything You Need, in the name of jesus christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: OrneryWeevil, who saw CATS in the theater seventeen times and has a copy of the butthole cut.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM