Upsetting Day: An ABC of Childhood Tragedy

Hi, everyone! I've run these numbers twice, and there's nothing worse than this. This is a collection of child trauma limericks written by Jordan Peterson. You will hate this. There is no other possible reaction to it for any person who has ever lived.

If you're not familiar with Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, he'd be very upset about that. He's the fussy attention nerd from the videos about how Jordan Peterson sucks. He's what Frankenstein would make if he lived next to a graveyard for B students who died of virginity. He's an unattended adult at a Yu-Gi-Oh! Tournament with a certificate of chemical castration ready if anyone asks. Normally he writes self-help books for aspiring Wikifeet contributors, but in 2022 he, for reasons no one will ever know or accept, wrote a gold-leafed hardcover $29.99 collection of sadness poems. He called it An ABC of Childhood Tragedy Volume 1, with Volume 2 presumably coming out when he remembers the rest of the letters. No, but seriously, the fucking hubris of calling an idea this terrible, one-and-done, and unappealing "part one." Nonsense. Psychopath shit.

Jordan dedicates the book to his father, Walter Milton Peterson, a bad writer's first crack at the name for a chicken mathematician. It's an unthinkable insult. This is how an indoor kid finally stands up to their dad. Or maybe it's a sincerely kind gesture? Jordan is a very stupid and short-sighted man, so it's possible he never considered how it would look to dedicate a fruity art book about miserable childhoods to your father.

The table of contents is almost a sarcastic reply to "What, are you going to put a table of contents in your ABC book, you goddamn idiot?" It's 28 unhappy faces arranged like our worst friend is about to read us the instructions for something called Betrayal at Cthulhu Asylum by Jӧrgen Blemjrssėn. Speaking of lonely madness based around impenetrable rules, let's start Jordan Peterson's book about childhood!

Dr. Peterson, the psychology professor showing everyone his entire psychological ass here, opens boldly. You knew it was going to be bad, but this poetry book opens with a missed rhyme and a story about a little girl beaten by a gang and imprisoned by the state. And I think the gang and the state are the heroes. Jordan's editor probably asked him, "Doctor, are you sure you want to start with this one? It seems like a harsh, non-poetic penalty for the crime of teasing. Maybe we could name Adella something like Quertrell and hide it somewhere in the middle?"

And I'm sure he replied, in his ridiculous Kermit voice, "The punishment is fair. My audience will know what Adella did, the female. The female."

Given a thousand years to imagine, I don't know if I could ever picture this book's intended audience. I understand Jordan Peterson represents weird and bitter boys of various Whites, but what could anyone get out of a poem about an unhappy girl who died, and the moral is "don't worry about it, though"? If it's sincere, what? Fucking what, Jordan? This is how a robot would misunderstand grief. And if it's trolling, upon whom would this be revenge? The concept of happiness? Babies on planes? I guess I don't read a lot of poetry. Is it good when poems are the rhythmless misery of a dork that never quite rhyme all the way?

"I think 2022 is ready for a gay prison rape limerick," chirped Dr. Jordan B. Peterson like a talking bowl of pudding.

"Maybe," said his editor. "But it would have to be artless. Just childlike in its structure and meaningless in all ways. It would need to be dumb as fuck, doctor."

"I think I could do that," honked Jordan Peterson's ludicrous voice box. "Mayhaps we could add a behind-the-scenes story about how I came up with the idea. You see, when I got to the letter D, I thought 'dick,' and then 'gay daddy,' and from there I thought 'so much sex with men' and it might be inspiring for my readers, those poor boys, to understand my creative process."

In some ways, I'm impressed it took Jordan six entire letters before he got to molestation. In other ways, what is this, Jordan? Is there some kind of Canadian law against iambic pentameter? You write poems like a Mad TV sketch about a Steven Hawking rap album. And here's something to consider next time you write a herky-jerky molestation limerick– maybe disapprove of it more? I only mention it because you were meaner to Frederick than you were his attacker. The worst thing you said about the guy was that he was "odd" and blamed his crimes on Christian God being out of town; a strange thing to call That Guy, by the way. This is going to sound more accusatory than I mean it to, but Jordan Peterson, this is how a pedophile would write poetry about a pedophile. You can use that as a pull quote if Volume 2 ever comes out, you crybaby fuck.

I was so confident we had reached the worst a thing could be, but here we are three letters later and Jordan Peterson is writing a poem about a little boy who is such a moron he gets fondled and killed by a priest. It's impossible not to come back to the question: who is this for? Is the reader meant to relate to the story of Isaiah because they also died while having sex with a priest? Who is your audience, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson!? Because it looks like this was a book written for murderers and child preda– oh, never mind. I solved it. I figured it out.

"And nobody missed this dead child either. Aren't you going to ask why these children had a working electric chair?" trolled edgy edgemaster Jordan Peterson. Nope! It's fucking dull, Jordan. You're a limp, sad idiot. This is an embarrassing and self-indulgent demonstration of how complaining about woke doesn't translate to making art. It's not even a good try. This is what ChatGPT would spit out if you asked it for an electric chair poem in the style of Resentful Incel. Any woman who found these words in a typewriter would instantly know she was going to have to fight her way out of there.

I'm not sure I get this one. Was Polly's doll injured during a home invasion? Why would Jordan Peterson include this alongside all the kids getting molested to death by priests or getting the electric chair for slowness? Maybe this was the first one Jordan wrote and the rest of the book is just what happens when a withering white supremacist is left alone with his thoughts too long. It's still unpleasant, but with none of the horror or spectacle. It's like a Walking Dead episode where they flash back to the main torture bandit working at Jiffy Lube or whatever. Speaking of whatever, "Whatever. 0 stars. Worse than his pedophile stuff," raves me about "P" by Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.

This one again, huh. Okay, in a way, it's good that Jordan Peterson couldn't come up with 26 different child torture ideas. That being said, if your only idea for a child torture poem is "somebody gets murdered but it's not a big deal," you can write something other than a child torture alphabet book. Literally anything else. You'll never come up with an idea not better than this. And I know what you're about to say, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson. You're going to say, "I'm the guy who said the government should distribute women equally among the unfuckable, you can look it up." Fine, you're right. There is one idea not better than this, Jordan.

So Una is in one piece? Does that mean she did okay in the fist fight with her uncle, or he ate her body, leaving only a single organ like a kitty cat? I can see why Dr. Jordan likes to add the line, "nobody gave a shit" at the end of most of these. Because without it, this is barely the start of a story. If you left your kid with your brother and came back to a weird piece of meat with teeth marks in it, you'd say, "Hold on a second, this isn't my entire daughter. Don't end the poem, we have more to talk about here."

If I'm understanding this swamp of juvenile writing correctly, Vertiline's mother left her for a better daughter? Normally I'd think that was some kind of typo, but I wasn't kidding earlier when I said Jordan Peterson thinks the state should create entitlement programs that take girls from hunks and redistribute them among losers. And to that, I have two things to say. One, human women aren't tradable commodities, Jordan Peterson. And two: from my cold dead hands, Jordan Peterson! We chads earned those babes!

X is always the trickiest letter in a dumb alphabet thing, but this is trash. "Xandra xcelled at blithering"? You sound like someone tying a Muppet Baby to train tracks, you fucking clown. Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, you put together sentences like mold forming tiny shapes on an unused boner. These are nonsense noises a Furby would generate if it saw you butcher your wife.

Jordan Peterson was never going to land this crashing plane. This book is awkward small talk you'd make with a drifter you paid to stomp on your balls. It's stupid and villainous masquerading as someone pretending to be stupid and villainous. It's something the Riddler would write if there was CTE in Batman's universe. Maybe it started as "a troll" or "satire," but An ABC of Childhood Tragedy Volume 1 has been one simple-minded dork demonstrating his inadequacies for over 25 letters. All he did was lose a whole bunch of rap battles to fetal alcohol syndrome, and he was playing both parts. But to go out on "Once upon a time this kid Zachariah was an idiot, the end" using the same rhyme he botched during the letter J is less than anyone could have expected. Jordan Peterson, I'm worried you might be some kind of dumb piece of shit.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neku104, who read this thing and walked out the door. We tried to find him, we checked the floor, but I guess he went home and then the rhyme scheme didn't work so well but we still had 25 more letters to go in volume 2 and the publisher was breathing down my neck and anyways you aren't writing this down, are you? YOU ARE?? WHAT FOR????

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