1900HOTDOG

Learning Day: Make Em Pay

Added 2024-10-25 12:00:12 +0000 UTC

Revenge! Furious, lethal revenge! Or maybe a cute surprise! Or a little poo poo. You never know what form vengeance will take from author George Hayduke, the Master Trickster!

George published Make 'Em Pay! Ultimate Revenge Techniques from the Master Trickster in 1986, and as you'll be able to tell, it was his 6th book on revenge. By this point, he was struggling to come up with new vengeances. Six is at least five too many books to write about revenge. George Hayduke may have the pettiness in his heart for this much revenge, but nowhere close to enough ideas. If George Hayduke warned you, "I have thousands of ways to get revenge," and you told him he wasn't allowed to do anything with poop, he'd say, "I have maybe three ways to get revenge."

Like all books written by sociopaths, the disclaimer is adorable. He tells the reader "you're not allowed to blame me for anything" many different ways, and I'm not a lawyer, but I have written multiple guides to building homemade fireworks. And one of those times, a lawyer did explain to me that none of the words you say before "here's how you make a bomb" legally protect you from the part where you told everyone how to make a bomb. However, three years after Make 'Em Pay was published, one of George's other bomb-building revenge books was found in the locker of Gunner's Mate Clayton Hartwig, who died in a suspicious explosion on the USS Iowa battleship. It was national news that this book very likely caused a man to blow himself up. So George did what any responsible author would do– he wrote fifteen more books on revenge. The point is, Johnny Law can't do shit about revenge explosions. Go nuts.

But incarceration isn't the only thing you need to worry about with revenge. George shares one quick story here in the – CAUTION – section.

We all remember the famous Austrian case of Leopold Renner who saw his wife with another man and methodically murdered her 27 pets with a garbage disposal. In a terrible twist, the man with his wife turned out to be her brother, not an extramarital lover. He had blended his wife's screaming, believable pet tarsier over nothing. So we've learned two things. One, make sure your target deserves it before you liquify a small zoo. And two, our author is a terrible dumb fuck of a liar.

George's book has no page numbers, but it still has a table of contents which is worth looking at:

It's a five page list of words with no context, but filthy with the stink of madness. Like a man in a bunker kept a journal of every wrong Family Feud guess for thirty years. Each word could refer to the target of your revenge, the method of your revenge, or both, or neither. For instance, "Women Beaters" tells you how to call a women's shelter many times, pretending to be an abusive husband looking for his wife. I wish I could tell you why. "Sports" suggests peeing in someone's football helmet and nothing else. And "Guns" is a very long story about his friend who, over the course of several months, infiltrated a gun running operation to replace their uzis with fake uzis. None of these things happened, the author suggests they should never happen, and because of how they're organized, you'd never be able to reference them again anyway. There is no work of man more useless than this, a dipshit's sixth try at writing a list of feces attacks. Speaking of, let's start with "Parties".

A lot of the tricks in this book were sent in by readers. Which means if you posted a video of yourself peeing out the back of a city bus and said, "let me know what I should do next," the worst 200 comments would be identical to this book. Today, Long Beach's Tanya and her scheme to poison a party's chocolate supply with "diarrhea producer" would get her laughed off a subreddit. But in 1986, it made her a valuable member of George Hayduke's revenge think tank. And she wasn't the only contributor who mailed George to say, "I might have an idea: POISON."

This idea requires you to work with someone who steals your food so often they deserve to die, and that's fine. Nobody here is going to be a baby about murdering lunch-bag thieves. But for this revenge to work, our target also has to be someone who can't tell the difference between candy and moth killer. I might need a scientist to check my math here, but the second thing is just moths, right? Like, a human lunch thief would say, "Aargh, that candy I stole was no candy at all. I'm dying and I think I know the exact cause; yep, yep, this wrapper says MOTH KILLER." Does George eat sweaters for a living? Why does he think our co-workers are moths? It's so provably, helplessly stupid. It wouldn't crack the top 100 of My Favorite Ways to Kill a Butterfly with Lunch List, and one of the entries is "penis hats." More importantly, I don't know where this list came from.

This gives us a pretty good insight into George's point of view. Sure, he's trash. He's a dishonest, antisocial psychopath with the mind of a four-time fifth grader, but he also somehow thinks of himself as the good guy. Look at how he struggles to make that work in this insane, murderous lie about dog poop revenge.

Is a neighbor's dog crapping on your lawn? Here's a fun solution sent in by Bill Overton of Granite City: try fucking killing it! Feed it sponges and watch it die of intestinal blockage! Wait, too dark, too far! Quick, change the ending so a veterinarian saves the dog! Oh god, wait, no, if it ends with a hero rescuing the dog from our attempted murder, we're the villain. Oh! What if the owner knew it was us and moved away before we killed him! Yes, that's perfect. We solved the problem, fellow good guys!

So now that you know how to mostly kill a dog, heroes, the next entry, "Dogs", shows how you can get revenge on the worst kind of scumbag– people who harm animals.

Are you pretty sure someone beats their pet? Go ahead and legally steal it, in most states! I guess this one is more of a brazen dognapping than a prank. But the one weakness of dog beaters is they are bound by municipal law. So if you declare, "By paw touch of driveway, your pet belongs to me now," they will certainly accept it without violence. This tip is dedicated to Carla, the hero who died stealing her neighbor's cat. We will never forget you, Carol.

By now, you've probably got a few extra animals lying around, some of them quite dead. Don't let those go to waste! Ritually butcher some of them and leave their crucified corpses where your enemy's children will find them. Ha ha if you do this right, they'll think a crazy person is targeting them! Mother, I taste your milk (milk) on the wind, they'll think a crazy person is targeting them! But it's only us, Mother! Only us (milk, milk).

You ever get invited into someone's home and they have a diploma? Like a fucking asshole!? Absolutely how dare they. Show that diploma it's not better than you with a permanent marker. You can sort of see it here, or maybe you figured it out when he turned the bunnies inside out, but George has something medically wrong with his brain chemistry. I tell this to everyone who writes 21 books about revenge: normal people don't make this many enemies. I'm going to put this as cutely as I can: if you see a diploma and any of this crosses your mind, your origin story rhymes with "sex stuff with the guidance bounselor."

I think I'm understanding this revenge correctly. A gas station near George stopped carrying his favorite pornography, and he got back at them by going insane. I guess there is an element of payback to this if the flyers are convincingly professional, but then you're just doing guerrilla marketing for a business you hate. And when they find out, they'll say, "Someone made pervert flyers for our business? I wonder if it was that guy who called us gutless when we stopped carrying Foot Jerkers and asked if we had more moth killer discs in the back."

If you hate graphic design projects and killing animals you could try something like mailing a condom of mayonnaise to your… hold on, I might need to read this again. Okay, I'm sending this condom to my own wife? She cheats on me and my revenge is to gaslight her into thinking she was cheating on me more? And why mayonnaise? I'm trying to destroy this monster who turned our marriage into a lie, and the author is worried real sperm might be a bit too outrageous? This is kid shit. If my wife ever mailed me a condom filled with mayonnaise, I would dip a hot dog in it and tell her, "This is the least tangy lover you've ever taken, coward."

This prank might work, but the problem is it's very narrow. You've possibly convinced one person in one library that someone with your mark's name played an X-rated video game. It's better than squirrel mutilation, but it's barely more than shrieking your enemy's name into a pillow. This vengeance is nothing, only a horny, lonely kind of nothing. Some librarian somewhere maybe saw the name of your target when they found this, but they were technically thinking you were a pervert on the way to the trash.

Looking for some fun revenge ideas when you're away from home? How about upgrading your car with a toxic smoke screen and using it to kill a highway patrolman? If you need to look up the details later, this tip is on page something under "Travel".

Sometimes the schemes aren't about revenge at all. Sometimes they're… you know, I don't know what you call this. Someone threw rice in a drunk woman's hair, and the payoff came later when she was alone and made a racist joke to herself? I'm not sure I get it. I'll have to revisit this one later. Luckily, it's conveniently located on page something under "Attitude".

This is a great example of revenge you don't have to overthink. Simply gather some ticks after they've fed and use them to create convincing professional chocolates. Or open and hollow a Cadbury Creme Egg, replace its insides with poop, and delicately solder it back together for some fun and classic food tampering. You'll have your enemy saying, "Thank you for the non-suspicious candy, enemy! Oh no, insects and poop in my mouth. Who could have done this."

This is some fun vengeance you can do next time upper class friends invite you into their home for a game of charades. When it's your turn, fill your mouth with whipped cream and choke yourself until you climax. "You're a dick," they'll guess! And they'll be right!

If I got a letter from someone named Dick Smegma saying "the old bucket on the door prank only instead of water? ACID! Or l-like HORSE PISS!!!" I would assume they were a troubled 9-year-old and not publish their unfinished thought in my book. It takes such a uniquely stupid mind to consider this anything. This is like hiring an actress to call someone's work and say, "Hello, is this where George works? I am the parent of a child who was molested by George, no, let's not involve the police. I want you, his shift manager at the tire place, to take care of this." I wonder why I gave such a weird example…

… oh right, because that exact thing is in the book under "Molestation". This is unspeakable, yet zany. It's how the Three Stooges would accuse someone of being a pedophile in an episode called "Black Face Bumblers!"

If your enemy is the uppity type who uses books, here are a couple great "Books" ideas you can try. The first is to bring cheese to your next get together, and hide it between the pages. Too diabolical for you, tarsier mutilator? Fine. The other is to use books against themselves by reading how to make dynamite and blowing up your enemy's fucking house. They're both great, equally vengeful options.

This enemy of yours keeps inviting you into their home without searching you. At a certain point, some of this is their fault.

The toughest part of poisoning yourself as revenge is making sure your enemy knows that's what's happening. Try to say something haunting like, "Help hhHHhhOOORORRRKKK! Help… f-fuck, I'm dying, HKkkkhhHKK this is a-gllp a prank against YOU– call a hospital, I'm sorry, call a hospital. Hhaaaacccggkk this part isn't the prank, help."

You're not going to believe this, but the revenge scheme to pointlessly puke all over yourself appears more than once in this book. Ingesting the right amount of poison to vomit but not die can be tricky. Maybe. There's nothing about that here, and even if there was, you'd have to remember "noisily throwing up and faking a seizure" is filed under "Teachers".

"Does anyone know if you can, like, make your own parking meters? Is that something? Is that a revenge? Also! How many days after a projectile vomit prank are you supposed to still be vengeance vomiting? Is it eight? Because I've been doing it far more than that. Write back soon, it is dark here and I am so alone."

I live in America, and even I don't think I've met someone dumb enough to believe this story. This guy called a mother against drunk driving at home to ask her to come pick up a stranger. Then the guy described himself, not a different person, so he, the person fitting his description, could sneak an unidentified "bottle of booze" into her car with an illegally loose lid. These are not the details of a true story set in our world. And then he calls some kind of rapid response drunk driving detective agency, the frame-up works perfectly, and sure, why not also make her nearly comatose from alcohol poisoning? If you walked in on a man having sex with a baseball glove he would blurt out a more believable story than this. I know this because I told Jose Canseco I was the time mitt inspector and his twin brother from 1978 and he bought it.

George's laundryman friend from Vietnam, Diddy Mao, suspiciously named after the Vietnamese phrase for "go quickly" from the popular film Deer Hunter, gave this useful tip for gaining the upper hand against laundromats: a swarm of bees! Sorry, I should have told you earlier: some of these are awesome. For example, here's the entire entry on "Joggers":

Do you like to jog? Then attach spikes to your feet and spike-kick anyone who attacks you! End of tip, here's a South Carolina PO box where you can order foot spikes. This rules. But George somehow followed up that, picture-perfect jogging advice, with some stupid bullshit called "Hospitals". It explains how you can take advantage of how people die in hospitals to disguise yourself as a corpse and grab someone. It's not any more complicated than that, but it somehow takes him this long to explain the plan:

This is too much work, and I would hope, too many crimes to briefly startle a gossip. At least the other sadist fantasies had some kind of victory or poetic justice for the target. This is a jump scare. For no reason. If some dick grabbed you from a hospital gurney, you would never reconsider your life. "I courted this doom with my habitual gossip!" you would not consider. Why are we groping ankles? I thought we were here to get fucking revenge! We should be stealing one of the dead bodies so we can dismember it and mail it to our ene–

Oh no, I thought I was kidding.

"You could put a dead rat on their car," suggested a reader named Shadow. "Yeah! Yeah, or like, or like a d-dead… groundhog!" the author added, making the idea much worse. "Buy a dead human head, place the dead human head on my truck," suggested fellow brainstormer, John "Big Dick The Truck" Camper. This idea for "Hood Ornaments" revenge was a struggle, but it really came together in the end. Very few authors give such a raw look into their process as George.

Let's see… what else… what else? Oh! You could tell someone they have AIDS! And if you don't know anyone, that's fine. You can make up a name, tell a health clinic they have AIDS, and hope you invented a real person:

George writes like an incel pick-up artist, only for sadism. This is such a wild, desperate attempt to bother someone– the tiniest little fart of chaos. The equivalent of this in financial advice would be "reach into several cakes a day and hope one is filled with jewels."

See, this is revenge worthy of a non-loser. It's the not pathetic and ingenious plan to collect floor hair and mail it. In a gross way or a subtle way– your choice. What's a subtle way to mail a bag of hair? Not screaming mommy into it before you cry, duh.

If the target of your revenge has already died, maybe of old age while they waited for their greatest enemy to grow a pair of balls, don't worry! They shall still suffer your wrath from beyond the grave! What you do is take a little bit of acid, it doesn't matter what kind because we're not really doing anything with it, and then pour it on the ground! Near their headstone! The supplicants will know you chose a new form for your vengeance: that of unliving sod! Oh, many groundskeepers and Zuuls will know what it is to see a small and unlikely patch of dead grass on that day, I can tell you!

You know, after defiling our enemy's grave, looking back on the hole we stabbed in their bean bag chair seems almost small. Almost petty.

If you look up "Freaky Stuff" on page something, George has two wonderful ideas. The first is a very, extremely confusing one where you cut a square in your enemy's window and glue a glove to it? This will get them to think there was… a window repair miscommunication? Maybe a teleporter accident? I know George is the expert, but I worry my enemy is going to need so many guesses before they figure out it's a biker gang jihad. Luckily, the other Freaky Stuff idea is pretty straightforward– you call a talent agency and ask for a gross woman with, and this part is non-negotiable, a bad sinus infection. Then you send her to your target's house where she will shout "Boogergram, Boogergram" and blow her nose on them. If these plans go well, they'll think some bitch-hearted sad sack is trying to ruin their life, and good news: you are!

Rat m-milkshake? Is rat milkshake an idea? I feel like I don't need a book to defeat someone who drinks every warm banana and bubonic plague smoothie you hand them.

Hold on, why is a rat milkshake the entire entry for "Food," but this marvelous culinary extravaganza of poop prepared three ways is listed under "Feces"?

As the people in your life stop eating the contaminated food you offer them, you may need to shit into a pie pan and hit them with it. There won't be a place in civilized society waiting for you afterward, but such is the path of super cool vengeance for rad dudes.

"I'll show them, Mommy, I'll show them all!" you could shout while you take your poop horde for a drive.

You could arrange for a dog to have sex with their Cabbage Patch Kid doll, which might not work, so be ready to create a photo collage of that! "Randy and his dolls had no idea who they were fucking with when they crossed me," you could tell a mirror while you apply layer after layer of diaper rash cream to your face.

Once all your known enemies are dispatched, you could try committing random acts of criminal mischief and hope the many guardrails we've put up against people like you fail. You'll know your plan worked when your victim whimpers, "We don't have a return policy; this is a grocery store, dumbass. Also, I can see the, what is that, a lizard you put in the ketchup? Sigh, security to checkout, it's Poop Guy again."

A lot of people wouldn't think of this, but one of George's readers came up with the idea of making a fool of yourself at a salad ba– oh Jesus, this next one is just called "PORNO". This is going to be so dark…

… huh? It's… a place for guys in 1986 Tarzana to get their dick pictures developed? That's weird, but not so bad! I thought it was going to be something like "find an actor who looks like your enemy and shoot them dead in a homemade porno."