Teamworking Day: Classic Cars and Women

Brockway: I’m Robert and I want to welcome you to my Website. I have over 2,877 Hot Dog Followers. I just wanted to tell you that Women Can Laugh Too. All over the world in these modern days, women are laughing just like the guys can! Thank you Ladies.

Seanbaby: I'm Sean, and I own 2,878 classic hot dogs. I'm not sure what we're doing, ladies.

Brockway: I’m talking like I just invented language because it worked for Randy Bucholtz, and I’m hoping to pump our subscriber numbers up.

Seanbaby: I'm Seanbaby and I think I get the bit now. I have an over 53% understanding, ladies. Thank you Ladies.

Brockway: Randy runs a website called Classic Cars and Women of the World. He also runs sites called Classic Cars and Women, ClassicCarsWomen, Hot Rod Girls, Hot Women and Scooters, Jasper Engines USA and the entire Jasper Engines Hot Rod Webring. Randy… has a thing.

Seanbaby: I think the number of car pervert websites you run is inversely proportional to the number of real ladies in your life, ladies. Mathematicians call this theorem Randy's Finger.

Brockway: We’re not here to pick on Randy (I am), we’re here to use Randy as a milestone moment in history. That moment? The first time your grandpa realized he could be horny on the internet.

Brockway: Tabs, a big red font, floating pictures over a looping gif background. You throw in a spinning star, maybe some tables? Some nested tables? Baby, we got it all.

Seanbaby: This is really good environmental storytelling. At a glance you instantly know this webmaster was born in 1920 and died a virgin in 2002.

Brockway: Randy is here on a mission of empowerment, he wants girls all over the world to know it’s okay by him that they own, or are sometimes near cars. And guys? He’s got a little something for you, too. It’s women owning, or sometimes being near cars. I’m not explaining it well, Randy made this one idea his life’s work. I’ll let him tell it:

Seanbaby: I agree with Randy. Women are getting more and more upward in Car. Great job Ladies.

Brockway: You may not know it but women are moving up in Hot Dog World. For now, they are just putting their butts on hot dogs and smiling. But guy’s! Watch Out. They having fun and cannot be stopped. Ladies if you also have photos of you smiling with your butt on a hot dog that you would like to share, send them to 1900HOTDOG. Thank you.

Seanbaby: I can't believe I thought this was a sex thing. This is a feminist, brave enough to promote women in the automotive industry. It's like they say on my favorite classic shoe website, StepOnMyDick.com, Women are important to shoes, and to Feet. Guy's come See the fun Women are having moving up in Strong Feet, if you have feet and would like to share, send them to me. Thank you.

Brockway: This is a monument to an internet we left behind decades ago. It’s like finding an original GeoCities page. This is archaeology. It’s knocking down a wall in your apartment and finding a sealed room from the Victorian era. Look at this time capsule: It’s even broken in all the perfect ways.

Seanbaby: I think one of the ladies is submitting photos to Randy's website from his trunk. Unless this is art? "I'm Randy and I like Classic Cars, titties Pressed up against them, and the haunting Gloom you can only convey through Abstract expressionism."

Brockway: Classic Cars and Women is such a savage, spot-on parody of Boomer culture on the internet that the bulk of my research was just making sure Randy wasn’t Tim Robinson doing elaborate groundwork for a sketch. I can promise you two things: Randy Bucholtz is not a bit, and he is not talking about that steering wheel.

Seanbaby: Randy talks like someone just screamed, "Why are you taking a picture of my wife!?" What, me? Nothing, This is f-for Advancing Car matriarchy, not Masturba– Just Fun! I hope the Women Driving Today had Fun in the Pictures. Have fun Ladies!

Brockway: You gotta guard those wives carefully, or any Randy can sneak up on them. Because he does make appearances in the photos sometimes. It’s weird, though. Like all Boomers, he looks poorly photoshopped regardless of his surroundings. I don’t know why their entire generation looks like they’re hovering out of sync with the universe. Maybe it’s DDT exposure.

Seanbaby: Hold on. Computer, enhance. Using Randy-Era technology, fill in missing Randy data.

Seanbaby: Either Randy has an eleven inch arm, or he Photoshopped himself onto a carless girl. Which meant he had to create a story about her driving a secret (but nice!) car in order to make it relevant for his website. I really hope Miss Southland 2019 is o— record scratch, did I just say TWO THOUSAND NINETEEN!? I thought you found this website on a 3.5" disc clutched in the unidentified hand of a Hot Rod Lady.

Brockway: This isn’t just recent. Sean. It’s current. This is ongoing. Randy might update tomorrow! Randy could, at any moment, post a stock image of a woman near a car and post “nice girl and car.” I don’t know how we’re all just living our lives like that’s not happening.

But enough about Randy, let’s see what we’re all here for: Ladies being on or near cars! Thank you Ladies.

Brockway: Sometimes you get to watch the broken algorithms in Randy’s brain try to A/B test his kindergarten captions for maximum engagement. Like here, when he challenges his readers to identify red.

Brockway: I had to stop and research Randy some more to make sure he wasn’t run over by a Snowcat and this is part of the therapy to rekindle his speech center. I think we’re safe. I’ve seen him on video, he talks like any other American male of a certain age. It’s just that if you put a girl near internal combustion he gets so hot his brain cooks in his skull.

Seanbaby: Like if you see all three red. Subscribe if you see an extra red the rest of us can't. This Beautiful lady owns, drives and tries to talk to me. Ideas and words Melt into madness during Boner, Thank you Again Women.

Brockway: It is a very good day if Randy can conjugate a verb when a pretty girl touches, or is near, or could be near an automobile.

Brockway: Holy shit, what storytelling. I can’t wait to click through and find out more.

Seanbaby: Psst! Tree's are my favorite trees.

Brockway: Oh my god I also know what trees are. That’s so hot. Because sex is fantasy, it’s a story you tell yourself. Who is that girl? Why is car? Did you know the red? All type's! We need a narrative, it’s not enough just to post a picture of a beautiful Women suggestively touching a penis. I mean car!

Brockway: See, now we know a little bit more. It helps the fantasy to know the year of Chevy is 1957, and the type of Lady is great. Let’s up the game.

Seanbaby: Up? From here? Impossible.

Seanbaby: I was wrong.

Brockway: Now it’s her car. Is that hotter because it gives her a common interest with you, the burgeoning automobile masturbator, or not as hot because the thing she’s touching isn’t your penis? Car! I keep doing that.

Seanbaby: Not My Dodge Girl. She doesn't know who drove into those kids on this blind corner. She has to go.

Brockway: Randy knows women are multifaceted creatures. He can’t spell either of those words, but he gets the gist. Some women love more than car. Some women love also red. But! Some women, maybe if they take a picture with a dog, they could also love dog?

Brockway: That’s so sweet, the way she’s wrapping her arms around that penis. I mean dog.

That one I did on purpose.

Seanbaby: Classic Brockway. He loves his Regular Penis and Penis Mistake.

Brockway: Hey speaking of, think back to your toddler lessons, from toddler school: You learned colors. Right? That whipped ass - knowing what blue was for the first time. “Blue!” You could yell, pointing at the grass, and your mom could laugh and tell you “almost!” Good times. Simpler times. What’s wrong with a little nostalgia?

Seanbaby: You know, there's a decent chance he really was talking about a steering wheel earlier. Because there is no innuendo here. Hot Rod Magazine would have said, "We'd love to get inside that." Maxim would have said, "We'd sure like to see the pink interior." And Lowrider would have said, "Fuck to create car centaur, let our warmth hatch the egg." I'm not saying Randy isn't in their league. But Randy writes captions more like a chimpanzee trying to earn a grape than a horny human.

Brockway: This is not grape-worthy. If an ape signed this at me I’d assume it was fighting off a bee and any words formed were just a fun coincidence. “You love green. Car. And car. Plus woman butt! Hurt! YELLOW HURT FLY!”

I have this theory about Randy’s horniness, which isn’t something I’m proud to have a theory on, but I think when he’s all horned up he can store, tops, two concepts in his brain. Sometimes only one!

Brockway: Forgot to even mention the lady. This picture really got Randy fired up. Who can blame him? That right there is a droptop American beauty, and the car’s pretty good, too! Hell yeah, Randy, that was for you. I’m sitting in Connecticut and holding out my hand for a high five and I know that right now, 3,000 miles across the country in California, Randy Bucholtz just started running East and he doesn’t understand why.

Seanbaby: He's now been running for two days. I know this because he has screamed, "Bluuuuuuuuueeeeeeee! Blaaaaaaaaaaack! Bluuuuuuuuuuuueeeee! Blaaaaaaack!" at the sky.

Brockway: Like all great artists, the more you study Randy, the more his themes become clear. For example: Liking something.

Brockway: Aw, Randy you got too excited and forgot to mention the woman again. Remember: This isn’t Classic Cars and. It’s Classic Cars and Women.

Seanbaby: It's Classic Cars and Women and Mötley Crüe's Herpes. Vince Neil gets sent a variation of this picture every month with the caption, "Do you remember this woman? I think you're my dad." I mean that in the nicest way. This is peak car babe performance. And She got to love a Pontiac.

Brockway: Love on a Pontiac was such a good album. I dare you not to fuck to that.

Brockway: You can see Randy really exploring the space of “liking something.” YOU got to love a Camaro. SHE loves a purple car. This is shit the Duolingo owl yells as he cums.

Seanbaby: I think you use the usted when you're a car pervert stealing photos from a teenager's instagram.

Brockway: Teens, sure. But Randy does not discriminate. If you’re a woman and you’ve got your butt on a car, you are on Classic Cars and Women.

Brockway: “Is that blue?” Randy asks her. “Yes,” she lustily answers, in fluent Boomer. “I like blue.” Randy’s pulse quickens as he steps into her. “I like car,” he whispers. Does she reply? We’ll never know. All we hear is the sound of cable-knit rustling on American iron.

Seanbaby: Got to love Wet, say's Ford Mustang.

Brockway: Randy has discovered a new type of imagination, like he’s unlocking tiers on the Reading Rainbow battle pass. Now he can imagine what it’s like to BE the woman near the car!

Seanbaby: This changes everything.

Brockway: This one image unlocked so much in Randy. I’m not kidding. Now that the seal is broken and he can imagine what the girl in the photo might be saying, the sky’s the limit. “I own a car and enjoy it!” A lady could say, while lightly touching a car as a tourist might touch a diseased tiger at a private Oklahoma zoo.

Seanbaby: I assure you, this is my car which I own, me, the woman in the picture writing captions for Randy's 11th Classic Cars world wide web Page. This is such an elaborate, delicate fantasy. At any moment someone could walk in on Randy and say, "Oh hey, that's Jeff's car," and Randy would have to start all over. "I've told you before you can't do that in the library, Randy," they might add.

Brockway: It’s like he’s trying to invent sex. “Women. Yes. Mittens? Not quite. Cars. That’s it! Women on cars? That’s something. Women enjoy the cars. Their colors. Perhaps they own - no. It’s too much. Back to the drawing board, Randy. Focus! Sex is due on Bill’s desk by 5 o’clock!”

Brockway: Now they are Randy’s girlfriends. They are all Randy’s girlfriends. “Come see me near this car, Randy, my boyfriend,” this one says.

“Yes” Randy replies.

“What happens next?” She asks.

“I have no idea,” Randy admits, “Bill’s going to fucking kill me.”

Seanbaby: "She love's The cars of California, Dibs on her (World internet certified) - Randy."

Brockway: “I read books about cars,” this one says, because of her glasses.

Brockway: Of course he has a Twitter account.

Seanbaby: Oh no.

Brockway: Look how far Randy has come! We started off with noun. Literally noun. “Woman,” he’d post, over a picture of a car. “Car,” over a picture of a woman. We watched his first brain wrinkle form as he slowly discovered that some words go together. Now he’s telling complete stories! He imagines he’s the women, that they want to go for a ride in the car, that he owns the car, that he gives them a ride! There’s no conflict, no stakes or character development, but if a chimp brought me this I would pretend to be impressed. Not grape impressed, but I wouldn’t smack it.

Seanbaby: Randy leans forward and opens his mouth… a tangle of dark tendrils emerge to slap against his keyboard. They type, "Randy please steal our vacation photo and get It printed on Custom Cake. And please then Make Love To It! Oh It Would be your pleasure? Yay!" The tendrils retract, their feeding complete. A burp echoes from the hollow nest that was once a man.

Brockway: You know what’s kind of like a car? A tractor! That’s like if a car was a cow. Sometimes ladies wear hats, how about that?

Seanbaby: How do you simultaneously maintain the creepiest website while also trying to play it cool like, "Oh someone sent this photo to me. Pretty cool hat, I guess, and technically some cars are tractors." Randy! We just watched you write self-insert fanfiction about giving a ride to two best friends you don't know in a car you don't own! It wouldn't change anyone's opinion of you if you were honest. "I was jerking off to my weird thing. Today, it was this! Didn't check her age, she'd hate that I'm doing this, and that's probably a part of it for me. #thesethings #car #carcarcar"

Brockway: We didn’t have consent in the ‘90s. Or if we did, it was a grunge band. Randy is like a soldier who crash landed on a desert island and never learned the war was over. It’s like nothing past 1997 ever happened for him. I think Randy’s nephew ironically gave him an AOL disc for his birthday in 2019, and now he’s speedrunning twenty years of online grandpa evolution. You can actually pinpoint the exact moment Randy found out about those Facebook generated Boomer trap T-shirts. It was 2022!

Seanbaby: My sexual fetish is picturing a woman finding this while #SmartWomen is trending and trying to figure out what the fuck it means. Is Jill the car? The woman arguing with the skeleton? She reads it again. And again. She's more confused each time. Does she ever figure it out? I'll never know, I've been done since skeleton. You should see this mess.

Brockway: “He loves white,” Randy would say. “Got to love a mop.”

Randy started an actual business… for his 1st level porn website. It has an office address, it has reviews. From his relatives. I don’t know which ones, because surely a wife wouldn’t be this supportive of her husband’s budding proto-fetish.

Brockway: Thank you, sister. Tell your friends, by which I mean mom. She looks good next to my blue Ford Mustang. She love blue!

Seanbaby: Your welcome brother! You're site is not for masturbation, it is for smile fans and car fans.

Brockway: Uh oh, grandpa found YouTube.

Seanbaby: Oh, shit. Is this where the famous slogan, WE WATCH OUR GIRLS HERE AT CLASSIC CAR WOMEN, comes from? Awesome!

Brockway: When concepts go to war inside Randy’s brain, they give no quarter. He tried to include four things in a sentence and it came out as a word collage doused in glitter. This sounds like a line that gets Gary Busey kicked out of the Reno Convention Center. It’s a step backward for Randy’s coherency, but the production values are through the roof.

Brockway: Lightning! Clock template! Patient Anaheim waitress! Zoom! Lightning again! This is what it would look like if you could project the contents of an average Reacher fan’s brain onto the side of a Sonic Drive-In.

Seanbaby: Each of these plugins came with a free photo book of World War II Naval Battles.

Brockway: Randy’s like four degrees away from inventing a remedial fetish. Girl + Car isn’t specific enough, but if they were putting their feet on the engine block or something, he could charge horny creeps $17.99 a month for this. But he’s learning.

Seanbaby: I'm listening.

Brockway: Right? That’s close. That’s closer. Now the cars are destroyed and the beautiful women are touching rust and filth. That might help some Duluth tow truck driver finish in a Denny’s parking lot. It’s tame by modern pervert standards, where incest is the ante bet. It’s even quaint. It’s like watching a puppy try to go down stairs, he’s doing his best! His little paws can’t keep-

Brockway: Oh shit! This article has been interrupted for BREAKING NEWS. Probably some kind of natural disaster in Africa judging by that picture. I hope they find those children’s parents in the wreckage.

Seanbaby: What? No, what's happening?

Seanbaby: Ha ha ha this is fucking adorable. This is a video anniversary eCard by someone who married their Neopet.

Brockway: “Oh my god, Randy made the local news!” Said Cheryl Bucholtz, before her husband sighed and started explaining it to her. Randy really did it, he really spent actual human money faking a 15 second breaking news segment to announce he almost has 60k followers on Facebook.

Brockway: Notice the ticker scrawling his proto-language thoughts about women, and how it’s okay that they sometimes are on or near cars. Thank you Ladies.

Seanbaby: Oh my god. This is like watching a tourist search for their name on a rack of keychains, only the moment is smeared across all of time. This is item #19,892 in a book called 20,000 Ways to Make Whoopee With Your Clothes On. This is how I told my daughter Santa died when she was two.

Brockway: Here’s how he posted the video on his site:

Brockway: Everybody quick, this is BREAKING NEWS. Set down your BEER brand beer and your CIGARETTES brand cigarettes and tune into THE NEWS CHANNEL - Africa’s fine! All of it, don’t worry. This one’s about Randy’s 56,423rd Facebook follower!

Seanbaby: "And happy birthday to a very special grandson who likes dinosaurs and green. Yes, you, Horp Corkville. You've been watching Discount Custom News Message for Dummies and Fucks."

Brockway: It fooled the shit out of Ryan Ferguson, who eats the silica packet out of every jerky bag. He saves it for last. He thinks it’s a palate cleanser, like pickled ginger for sushi.

Brockway: This video was so good it even got real guy Walter Cameros to look into this Facebook thing. I just saw a BREAKING NEWS segment on Classic Cameros and Hunks announcing that Walter’s first Facebook friend is fellow real guy Tony Pontiak. Mahood’s Collision and Auto Body, part of the Randy Bucholtz webring, raved “More news” about it!

Seanbaby: "Dull taste of metal," replies Ryan Ferguson followed by 1249 semicolons.

Brockway: It’s time, Randy has spent years orbiting the concept of Girl + Car = ???. Nobody show him Titane, it would explode his fucking heart. But now he’s here, he’s learned noun, one adjective, sometimes a character. He’s ready to tell… Randy’s story. It’s called-

Seanbaby: Oh no.

Brockway: This is the story of a patient Anaheim waitress, her outfit by Target, hair and makeup by also Target. She’s riding in a hot rod driven by some loser we’ll call Walter Cameros.

Brockway: Walter has not maintained his engine properly, the son of a bitch. Our patient Anaheim waitress calls for help on her bakelite landline, because Randy doesn’t think those funny little squares scan as phones on film.

Seanbaby: Oh, I recognize that Woman from Clock. She was a Car Girl in Clock!

Brockway: Clock Girl still loves car. She forgives car.

Brockway: Isn’t there any man brave enough, modern and progressive enough to understand that sometimes women like car, they like to put their butt on car, on red car, or green, on Camaro, on Pontiac, they like to stand near car, and sometimes. This modern era. Sometimes the Ladies can ride in car too. Just like the Guys can! I think I know a man that noble. Just one.

Seanbaby: Walter Cameros.

Seanbaby: Damn it.

Brockway: It’s finally Randy’s time to shine. In his wildest fantasies, unmoored from reality, sky’s the limit, Randy… lets a woman inside his car.

Brockway: She’s completely in love. I guess Walter Cameros was making her hold on to the roof the whole time. Only Randy understands that Women are coming up in the world and they own, drive, and talk to him. Randy! Randy!

Seanbaby: hahaha this is so majestically cursed. This is a G-rated masturbation fantasy found on a dead stalker's hard drive. Randy's sister should not have told her friends about this. I have to see how it ends. What's Randy's version of a climax?

Seanbaby: Oh hell yeah.

Brockway: Randy, you madman. Does a Woman even know what a steering wheel is? She might forget and think it’s some kind of plate. She’ll try to wash it while you’re driving, Randy!

Brockway: Ahh, it’s antiquated thinking like that which keeps men like us from gently cupping, open palm, the area two inches from a patient Anaheim waitresses’ boob. But not Randy. He did it. After paying her $500 for a parking lot photoshoot and not telling her, never telling her, the gradient text he plans on inserting between shots. That’s… that’s just for Randy.

Seanbaby: If you explained to this woman what Randy did with her photos, and I mean really took the time so she understood it, she would say, "That's less creepy than what I imagined he was going to do with them. Wait, wait. Oh. Oh no, it's more. It's way more. What have I done? What has he made me a part of?"

Seanbaby: Your welcome Ladie's.

Brockway: In memoriam, Beautiful Lady and Beautiful Car. RIP.

This article was brought to you by a hot Hot Dog Tip from Matthew Byas.

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