Fucking Day: Stacy X

If you're familiar with my writing on this site, you probably already know that I love the X-Men. They are the best, coolest, most interesting superhero group. They are also, on occasion, lame ass nerd cops. For example, they did a prostitution issue where it seemed like they wanted to shut down a mutant brothel where everyone involved was just having a great time, and they called that issue…

What a cop way to say X-fucking. "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" is the introduction to niche X-Men fan-favorite, Stacy X. She's the X-Man they wanted to name X Stacy because her power is making people cum so hard they pass out, but Marvel said no, the girl who makes people cum so hard they pass out will have to have a different name, X Stacy is too suggestive.

Since there's no reason for the X-Men to give a shit about a legal mutant brothel, they get them into the plot by having Angel learn his company has invested in the brothel, called the X-Ranch. He sends in his fellow X-Men teammates to check the place out, and it's in a large Victorian manor in the middle of the desert that looks like it has to be full of either prostitutes or Draculas. Or, if you're really lucky, prostitute Draculas.

That is the most charming brothel I've ever seen. It's giving Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Dolly Parton is about to appear on the veranda and sing a jaunty tune about fucking. You can Google what the legal brothels in Nevada look like, and they are rarely quaint multi-story Victorian gothics. Their vibe is usually truck stop bathroom meets truck stop bathroom.

Iceman volunteers to test out the brothel which he immediately does, fully and to completion after Stacy X shows him how her powers work by controlling pheromones through touch. As Iceman lays on the floor, completely laid out flat by cumming, Angel appears and is all, "Hi, it's me, the bummer police. How dare you give my friend the greatest pleasure of his life with his explicit permission?"

Luckily, we don't have time to find out what Angel's plan was beyond giving this woman a stern talking to about her radical sex powers, because a bunch of anti-mutant men dressed like Catholic cardinals show up and start burning the X-Ranch down. They're called The Church Of Humanity. As soon as Stacy X finds out they've arrived, she drops into a defensive stance that also flashes Angel her entire birth canal. Angel peels Iceman off the floor, quite easily thanks to his superhumanly empty balls, and they manage to evacuate exactly one mutant prostitute, Stacy X, and not a single other person from the entire manor.

So that's the introduction of Stacy X. She incapacitated Iceman with one orgasm, and she gets to join the X-Men, at least for a few issues. No training is provided before she starts questing for vengeance against The Church Of Humanity alongside Wolverine.

The following issue introduced the backstory of The Church Of Humanity, and it is as horny and weird as Stacy X. The church is run by a shadowy, immortal figure known as The Supreme Pontiff. He got his powers because his dad summoned a demon that looked like Barney the Dinosaur, and that Barney demon instantly fucked his Mom. His fashion game, his poetry game, they were too strong.

The Supreme Pontiff got so mad about his dad fucking around and finding out that he learned dark magic and killed both the demon and his mother. Seems like kind of an overreaction to me. He could have just had a stepdad who rules, but instead, he swore vengeance on all inhuman things and roamed the earth for centuries, amassing power because of his parents' divorce.

Kid, there were only twelve people alive back then. I'm sorry, but your Mom didn't have a lot of options. The instant she met a second man, she was ready to kill your dad for him even though he dressed like George Costanza. The marriage was already in tatters.

Stacy X joins the X-Men in their pursuit of The Church Of Humanity because she's mildly pissed that they burned all of her friends to death. Of course, the X-Men writers were delicate and respectful of her character, ensuring she was treated like a person and not a gimmick. I'm kidding, of course; they immediately did an upskirt panel where she makes the Blob cum while calling him fatso.

In Stacy's first issue as a temporary member of the X-Men, she is kidnapped by the Supreme Pontiff, probably because she didn't even get a safety talk before the X-Men brought her along to fight crime. She picks up a teleportation device The Church Of Humanity drops and is instantly teleported to their headquarters. You normally take a whole semester in X-school about not touching teleporters, even if they look super cool, but when they saw this lady had an Omega-level cum hand, they were like, get her in the field.

Stacy X tells the Supreme Pontiff her backstory, but most of it is clearly her pretending to be Jean Grey as a bit. It would be nice to get an actual backstory for this character instead of a zany recap of early X-Men issues where Jean Grey has jizz powers. After the Supreme Pontiff clocks that Stacy X is messing with him, he commands his minions to torture her. She threatens to give him a "tongue kiss," which is such a nerdy way to threaten murder by sex.

Don't worry. Stacy X is more than capable of getting out of this pickle with her ingenuity, and, sorry, no, she gets tortured. They do this for a while, then put her in a jail cell where she forms a brilliant escape plan where she pretends to masturbate because torture turns her on so she can lure a guard close enough to touch him. Then she, hm, I can't quite recall what her power is? Or that's right; she makes him cum. You might be asking, "How does that help her escape?" It does not. If anything, it makes her situation only stickier. She's still very much in that cell when the X-Men burst in to save her. Pretty funny, though. Stacy X is still doing bits from her prison cell.

To be fair, Stacy X can do other things, like making people vomit or waking them up with an adrenaline rush. But it's this one cumming aspect of her power her creator seems most interested in showing off repeatedly. Stacy X even manages to defeat a villain who can withstand a plasma blast from Chamber by using her signature move, making him cum so hard he passes out. In case you forgot what her power was after they just showed it one page ago for no reason. At this point they are running out of onomatopoeias for fatal orgasms. Which is better "AAHHNGK–!" or "HNNG– GNK! NNAAAAAHHH?" Maybe more of a tasteful "WHUuuuUuuu?"

Some X-Men can't use their powers too much because it drains their energy. Stacy X doesn't seem to have any issue with that. She could do this all day, and she treats it like it's funny every single time, which I do respect.

We never get to see Stacy X sex kill the Super Pope. The Church Of Humanity is too close to the already established X-Men hating group, The Purifiers, so they mostly fade out of the comics. Although, not before Chuck Austen used them in a plot to install Nightcrawler as the Pope and fake a rapture. He took over from Stacy X’s creator Joe Casey nine issues after her introduction. I bet if she made the Pope cum so hard he died we could have avoided the whole Chuck Austen X-Men run. I mean, can you imagine? Stacy X vs. Super Pope would be the shortest Eisner-winning comic of all ti– NNNgGghHHHwooooUUUUohhhh.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: SpottyReception, the new and improved orgasm-proof Hyper Pope. 

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.