Upsetting Day: Ruth Montgomery's Herald of the New Age

I thought it might be nice to start off the New Year by looking back at some old predictions for the new millennium. After all, most people were forecasting the new millennium would begin with a big pile of terminators surfing in on a tsunami of nuclear waste. I thought it would be kind of nice to see all of the doom and gloom that didn't come to pass.

Usually, I find that the more eccentric the jewelry, the more doom I can expect from the psychic. Sadly, I picked up a book by the one psychic grandma wearing a tennis ball-sized gem on her finger who thought everything was going to turn out just fine.

Ruth Montgomery is a former journalist who "discovered the truth" that journalism doesn't pay as well as pretending to talk to aliens and ghosts. ADP isn't paying for that big ass ring, but being the Betty Crocker of autonomic writing gave Ruth enough income to live the American dream of dying in Florida. Ruth was big on reincarnation, though, so if a nine-year-old shows up at my house to kick my ass after we publish this article, I guess I'll learn my lesson.

If you feel like my dislike of this sweet old woman is a bit intense, let me show you where ol' Ruth lost me in her prophetic writings. She's the kind of psychic people like because she offers simple answers to complicated problems. Her belief system is rooted in Christianity, but reincarnation plays an important role, and there are also some aliens thrown in for a little spice. Still, she counts "sodomy" as one of the nation's greatest challenges. Would you like to hear her thoughts on the AIDS crisis? No? Uh oh, here they are anyway.

"Sorry your baby has AIDS, if it's any consolation, it's probably because she was Hitler in a past life," is the harshest take I've ever heard. Even in 1986, and even coming from a woman who's wearing enough jewelry to crush several evil reincarnated babies to death, I would expect some kind of leeway for babies with AIDS, but if we start letting them off the hook for their ghost crimes, who's next? Who's next, Ruth?

Anyway, like I said, Ruth thinks once the sodomites are gone, and some climate disasters happen, things are actually going to be pretty cool on Earth. She's not like other fundamentalist doomsday prophets; she's a fun fundamentalist doomsday prophet!

Oh, Ruth… Ruth, girl. I've got bad news about this one, Ruth. Shit. Where do I start, Ruth? We're not exactly living by the principles of love, helpfulness, and the law of karma, but we do have a Reese's Puffs cereal box with Goku on it, so things aren’t all that bad. I would be way more impressed if she’d seen that coming.

The overall story of Ruth's predictions for the coming millennium is that there will be a huge climate event that causes California to sink into the ocean, but like, it's California, so who cares? Ruth is extremely chill about the deaths of 39 million people. She even reassures her readers that the clean up will be easy because the bodies will be swept into the ocean. I feel like disposing of 39 million bodies is probably a little bit harder than hosing house party vomit off of your patio, but according to Ruth's Guides, it's actually very low stress.

It's insane how much Ruth's predictions yada yada a whole apocalypse. Although, I should remind everyone it's not really Ruth making these predictions. She stresses that she goes into a trance and writes responses to pre-written questions that come from a council of ghosts and aliens who advise her. Sometimes, they'll even reassure her it's them at the top of the prophecy if it's going to be a good one.

Also, sometimes Ruth will bully the ghosts a little bit on our behalf. The book will say that she "prompted them to go into further detail" or asked for them to clarify something like a solid date for when California will go skinny dipping and they won't. This woman is playing an improv game with herself and refusing to "yes and" her own prompts. The response she gives herself is basically the ghost version of making static noises with their mouths and saying, "Whoops, bad connection, Ruth, so sorry." It's also difficult for the ghost council to determine exact dates for important events because ghost time is different, you see. Quarter past boo, for instance.

A big part of Ruth's philosophy is that each time people reincarnate, they are a little bit better than last time unless, of course, they instead get worse, which is why terrorism is caused by all of the gay ghosts from Atlantis. Sorry, that sounds crazy. Let me allow the council of ghosts and aliens to explain:

The transitive property Ruth is working on here is Atlantians did sodomy -> Atlantis sunk into the ocean -> Californians do sodomy -> California will also sink into the ocean. With just a little bit of tweaking, I could rewrite these prophecies into a best-selling Amazon romance novel called Banged By The Hot Gay Atlantean Ghost Inhabiting My Billionaire Step Brother.

Sorry, I'm losing the plot here. Let me find some more solid prophecies for you. Enough insane things have happened in the thirty-seven years since this book was released that Ruth has to have gotten something right. Maybe she had a hunch that "Gangnam Style" would be a runaway hit.

Wow, the Antichrist is pushing fifty now. He's really dragging his feet on this whole apocalypse thing. I wonder if he's depressed. I guess we can't judge if this one happened or not, the way politics works today, a hot young 55-year-old antichrist could swing into the spotlight and have a forty-year career ahead of him. I'm going to give this one to the ghosts.

Most of the rest of Ruth's prophecies are just about how great this apocalypse is going to turn out for everyone in the end. She's the most cheerful doomsday prepper you'll ever meet. It makes her writing pretty jarring. Her thesis is something like, "Society is going to collapse very soon, so you'd better get yourself ready FOR A PARTY!"

Thirteen years after Ruther released this book, she released one more titled The World To Come: The Guides' Long-Awaited Predictions For The Dawning Of The New Age, which apparently "revisits" and "recasts" predictions made in her earlier books. She could have titled it Looks Like We're All Still Here LOL Whoops, My Bad, California, as I guess that's a little bit of the sentiment behind it.

Unlike Ruth, who is super dead now, we’re all still here for 2024. We don’t have to be, though! High five, sodomites, I believe in you. If we all keep sinning hard enough, we can get this apocalypse to kick off before the Antichrist can be denied Medicare.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: JaredMountainMan, who predicts things will be pretty much okay after the Great Robocide. 

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.