Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Scent of Despair

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that when one of us dies the other is to be buried alive with them so we can high-five in the afterlife.

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where the sexiest thing a man can do is win a local pie-eating contest.

Kevin Bacon has been giving Sissyneck some thoughts.

He was dropping out of college, Sissyneck. Catch up.

In the bedroom, Sissyneck has some solid advice:

Yeah, science has proven that one of the most erotic sounds is pocket change rattling on a phone case in time to each thrust.

Erik Stanley is still trying to solve the mystery of Sissyneck. His guess?

Quick, has anyone seen Jason Pargin and Sissyneck in the same paddleboat together? If not, we might have found our answer. If so, send us a pic! That sounds adorable.

Now let’s move on to the Comments, where Honk and Matt Edwards write the next Mountain Monsters spin-off.

Bigfoot’s got an AHAB bumper sticker and wonders why the AIMS golf carts keep pulling him over.

Former Fish Farmer has made the first ever case for playing Fallout 76.

We’re still not going to do it, not until they add a playable Huckleberry skin, but there’s a case for it.

Bill Culbertson noted the return of beloved Hot Doggist Tom Riemann, who wrote about St. Elmo’s Fire last month.

Oh my god he’s right. Tom has been replaced by a pod-Tom. Actually could everybody pretend not to notice? Pod-Tom’s got some moves and we have an inter-meat dance contest coming up.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

Garden Ape has a secret miracle fertilizer and will happily hand some out, all you need to do is startle or threaten Garden Ape.

Now on to the Discord, where Yeyo has a superpower, and that’s using his hardcore gay pornography knowledge to augment Hot Dog subjects. This is not the first time it’s come in handy, and it won’t be the last.

Eev isn’t above slam dunking Ferroday’s easy layup.

And Mo isn’t above slam dunking her difficult layup from the three point line.

Ferroday may not get the flashy endorsement deals and the big contract, but nobody has more Hot Dog assists. She’s the John Stockton of competitive comedy Discord set-ups.

Rambone disappeared for a while, only to come back and post this.

She presumably left behind a smoking, ruined lab full of dead and footless research all-stars, but progress always has a cost.

Fatamatician noticed we did not get Adrienne a trophy for winning the BIGFEETS Design-A-Trap contest. Fatamatician cannot abide injustice in novelty cryptid contests.

Zoom. Enhance.

What’s Mathcellence?

It is literally impossible to explain what we do to anyone with a normal life and grounded priorities. It’s like you’re speaking a different language.

Hey, speaking of grounded priorities: Thrillho commissioned custom art of Tyler Bigfoot, who rules the earth’s core for all footkind. Loyal Hot Doggists may remember Tyler as a running gag on the Bigfoot Lives! podcast, but if you remember him from before the year 1965 please write in immediately, you may be an immortal magician.

Zoom. Enhance.

The evil horse is sending us. And by sending us, we mean to a collapsing rival timeline where Merlin 3 rules the Blood-Bonded Apes with an iron fist.

Diebel update: The Discord is still trying to buy his grave.

In the meantime, they’ll settle for buying his scent. Velo jumped on that grenade because he has +2 against sexual acid damage.

Finally, Science Research meets Ancient Hawaiian Folklore! We were wondering when those two would hit it off. Unfortunately, Velo then forwarded the sample to Brockway’s wife, who has always wanted to die of cologne-based heavy metal poisoning.

It, no joke, arrived at Brockway’s house like this.

This month’s winner is clearly Velo, for breaking up Brockway’s marriage! The Diebel stink does not wash off. Come collect your prize in the alley behind the abandoned steel mill, Velo. Come alone, no weapons, if you want the only picture in existence of Jackie Chan being bashful about his cute outfit.

There’s only one!

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll attack them with a tactical fighting pen in the alley behind the abandoned steel mill.

...

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.