Upsetting Day: The Annual Tumblefook & Pygge's Catalog 🌭
Added 2023-01-03 13:00:02 +0000 UTC
Christmas is the time for tantalizing visions of sugar plums choking our unwanted loved ones. Unbound by mighty Death from our obligation to care for them, we enjoy our freedom as mail couriers riding the rails of the American west. Though trains frequently arrive weeks late, it is no great matter. We spend the days dog-earing the pages of our main delivery: copies of the annual Pumblechook & Figg’s sister catalog dumbed down for American release. We alone know its treasures, till we dispense a shared copy at each lonely waystation of the last frontier. It will be a merrymost Christmas!
“But it is January!” bemoan the meaningless lives brightened by our tidings of consumer satisfaction. What about it, hayseeds? Society moves at the speed of the steam train, and Christmas waits on the timetables of man. The LORD is mighty, but His hand may not move the engines of the American-Track Rail Line faster than an Irishman’s ability to shovel coal. You celebrate St. Stephen’s Feast in Spring now, and be grateful of it, you cat-yowling clutch of curmudgeons! Let us peer into its pages and see what devices you will order to slaughter buffalo and hooplehead farmers.
Sign up for Brendan’s brand-new email newsletter to get bonus comedy and some big news!
...
If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.
Comments
Holy shit, every item was funnier than the last. I wonder how long it takes to write one of these? It has to be a year-long project. At any rate, I am immediately canceling my subscription with Pumblechook & Figg and replacing it with Tumblefook & Pygge. It is no great loss, as I'm still waiting for the bonobo butler I ordered 6 years ago. I fear it has been lost in the mail, or perhaps may be serving a train crew instead of his rightful mistress. Damn, this was a treasure.
Katherine
2023-01-06 03:10:57 +0000 UTCAs an expert in laudanum jokes, this has the best one.
Dennard Dayle
2023-01-04 22:07:33 +0000 UTCI'm being completely serious when I say that I'd love to buy a physical catalogue replica, printed authentically on the shittiest sub-newsprint quality paper possible. How many of these articles have there been now(including the Cracked ones)? Of the top of my head... Five articles, each consisting of several pages? There's probably almost enough to collect and make a reasonably-sized catalogue by now. I mean maybe it would have to be edited a bit. Even for a humorous wrong-universe replica, No one would believe that there ever was was a song called 'Yonkle, the Cow-Boy Jew', so McGinley would have to... Oh..... Oh, for FUCKS SAKE!
The Parallel Viewmaster
2023-01-04 17:32:15 +0000 UTC"PO Box FFFFFF" 🤌🤌
Skebotron
2023-01-04 04:52:43 +0000 UTCI think it would have been much funnier to have the "weather-machine for exceptional penises" picture to have been blank
bobkerolls
2023-01-04 03:15:07 +0000 UTCJesus "Holy Shit" Christ, Brendan. How many social gathering did you avoid over Christmas to make all that?
Blinky Bill
2023-01-04 01:28:20 +0000 UTCMore like Brosnanjuice.
Pee-Wee's Uncle
2023-01-03 20:43:15 +0000 UTCThis is a god-damned treasure. I'm crying.
Devin Eagles
2023-01-03 20:23:43 +0000 UTCDon't worry, I didn't either.
Brendan McGinley
2023-01-03 19:02:33 +0000 UTCHieronymous Bosch has nothing on the "artwork" for One Dozen Kentucky Tonic Bitters. Additional notes: Slit-skirt/Hot, inability to count up to 12/Not.
Kevin Hanlon
2023-01-03 18:06:13 +0000 UTCI feel kind of guilty that I didn't get all the jokes. Each one of the items in there could have been a full article.
Matthew Harris
2023-01-03 17:39:08 +0000 UTCA total delight throughout! Hurrah!
Scribbler Johnny
2023-01-03 16:02:49 +0000 UTCyes id like to play hey there delilah how was it you could cut his God-Protected hair? A: with circumscissors!
sissyneck
2023-01-03 15:44:14 +0000 UTCMy favourite publication, now in convenient Colony Traitor!
FancyShark
2023-01-03 15:36:39 +0000 UTCAnother datum indicating if you mention bison three times, Alex will Beetlejuice.
Brendan McGinley
2023-01-03 15:02:30 +0000 UTCI started reading as a young man, and finished as my own grandson. Worth it.
CHAUGGLE
2023-01-03 13:57:44 +0000 UTC"I'm not reading all that!" you cry aloud, pulling a flint knife cross't your arm to fake a defensive wound. "I'll say I was interrupted by a raiding party of mountain men!" But the valuable bear pelt still draped across your gaming chair belies your alibi. Still, no sheriff will arrest you. You cannot be blamed for leaping down here. Old west justice clears your name and you spend the rest of your days (three years) breeding valuable Berkroc pigs before you die of dysentery.
Brendan McGinley
2023-01-03 13:53:20 +0000 UTCIt never stopped. It just kept going and going, scrolling down into eternity. And it kept getting more and more funny as it went. Clearly some sort of Faustian bargain was at play here!
Jeff Orasky
2023-01-03 13:45:21 +0000 UTC🤠🇺🇸
Alex Schmidt
2023-01-03 13:34:11 +0000 UTC
