Upsetting Day: A Very Larry Christmas 🌭

It’s finally that festive time of year when we all get a visit from our favorite chubby, jolly, senior citizen, Larry The Cable Guy. You might be surprised to hear Larry The Cable Guy released a Christmas album, but you shouldn’t be, because that guy will do anything for money. He’s best known today as the little tow truck that introduced the world to what bathrooms in the universe of Disney’s Cars look like. Yes, the sentient Cars poop, and we would have never known if it weren’t for Larry The Cable Guy. He also recently made history by being the first person to portray a human figure on The Masked Singer without fully losing his mind to madness.

We’ve talked before on the site about how Daniel Whitney, the actor portraying Larry, is essentially trapped in a hell of his making, pretending to be a slovenly sexist uncle for life. He watched how Jaleel White spent decades trying to convince people he’s not Steve Urkle and said, “I’m going to be the mirror universe version of that. I’m going to beg people to think of me as Larry The Cable guy FOREVER.”

This decision to trap himself, Saw-like, in the persona of Larry The Cable Guy has made Daniel so, so rich. Like, has-to-have-his-own-charity-foundation-for-tax-purposes, rich. Sponsor-a-golf-tournament rich. Ha-ha-it-was-a-trap-there-is-no-tournament-you-are-being-hunted rich. He is rules-don't-apply rich and I can prove it because his face is on a bag of lasagna made out of chunks of loose food and people buy it!

And all that money came from producing high quality comedic content, like his album A Very Larry Christmas, which debuted at number 43 on the Billboard music charts. Can you imagine being below Larry The Cable Guy on the billboard music charts? The Killers and Ashlee Simpson both had to live that reality on a cold day in 2004.

Before he was a bagged lasagna baron, Larry was a simple man who wrote Christmas songs. If there were a late-night TV commercial for this album, it would begin by asking, “Are you thirteen years old? Do you enjoy words like oriental and [mean-spirited disability noises] because they trigger the libs? Then boy, have I got a holiday album for you!”

Larry played with and softened his character in his later years, but this was when he was still desperate enough for fame to say pretty much any disgusting thing that would get him attention. This album has the energy of a child at a birthday screaming at the top of their lungs, hoping someone will beg them to stop so they can laugh in their face. The running joke is how decency exists and it can fuck itself.

If I were going to do a parody of what I expected this album to sound like, I would probably say something like, “What the hell is this Russia? Nobody says Merry Christmas no more; it’s '♪happy holidays♪' or X-mas so as not to offend nobody, but these political Christmas queers can take their happy holidays and stick 'em up their humbug ass.” Oops, sorry, it turns out that’s a direct quote of the first joke on this album. It sounds more like a shirtless rant from Alex Jones than a joke, but I guess that’s one way you can get people all riled up for some comedy. Always open with pure rage.

You might be wondering, does Larry sing, or is this more of a comedy album around the theme of Christmas? Well, he does sing occasionally, and he puts Christmas music under some of his jokes, but mainly it’s just Larry talking into a dark, echoing void with no responding laughter. There’s a reason most comedy albums are recorded live. For one thing, it gives the comedian a sense of when to pause for laughter. Larry doesn’t pause, but that’s fine. I promise no one needs him to.

Some of the tracks on this album are seventeen seconds long and the sound quality on them is shittier than the other ones. It sounds like Larry is recording them on his cell phone while driving and sending them straight to production. They’re one paragraph acapella Christmas song parodies. They sound less like something Weird Al would come up with and more like a frat boy kicking around an alibi. Here's one about a woman with... green teeth?

And here's one about a woman w... oh no.

Other jams included in the album are “I Pissed My Pants,” sung to the tune of “Joy To The World,” “Donny The Retard,” sung to the tune of “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,” and “The First Queer Santy Clause” based on “The First Noel.” I gotta say, for a man who began this album with a long rant about how we should respect the sanctity of Christ’s special day, this feels, like, I dunno, maybe a tad disrespectful to Christmas? I'm not on super familiar terms with Jesus, but I have to assume He wouldn’t be thrilled with lasagna bag oligarch Larry The Cable Guy celebrating His birthday with a series of lewd limericks about underage girls and their tight asses come on you guys get it.

He also stuck a really long letter about how he wants to fuck Shania Twain in the middle of his Christmas album. I'm pretty sure the joke is that it doesn't belong on a Christmas album, so it's wacky, but also, it's just really out of place among all of his little songs and musings about Christmas.

This is humorless, criminal, and disgusting, but at least we know there's an adult woman he's attracted to! There's more to the story, but you get the point. Sprinkle in some racism and some references to her ass, and you've got a Larry The Cable Guy classic. He says Shania really got this letter, but if that were true, I think he would really not be allowed within five hundred feet of her.

The spiritual twin of the Shania Twain letter is a rewrite of The Night Before Christmas called "Titty Bar Christmas." It's about Larry's favorite Christmas of all, a sad mashup of sex crimes and hate crimes:

Look, it was a different time back then. I'm sure biscuits and gravy tycoon Larry The Cable Guy is very sorry for all the horrible things he said that somehow made him rich. He probably has a lot of regrets in life. Number one, never hiring a food photographer to make any of his products look edible; number two, saying his favorite thing about Christmas was getting sucked off by an "oriental" stripper; number three, probably a hit and run.

I'm so mad at myself for deciding to write about this album because, at some point, I realized that if you go purely by the metric of how much money he's made, Larry The Cable Guy is a more successful comedian than anyone who writes for this website. He's more successful than almost all other working comedians today. John Mulaney, Patton Oswalt, Taylor Tomlinson, they're nothing but economic peons compared to the man who wrote this comedic Christmas gem:

Blue-collar comedy is where bad comedians go to thrive. It's magical. You don't have to be funny. You just have to say something that will make an imaginary other person angry. You can stand on stage and say fart, slap, titty, women aren't people, and BAM, Bass Pro Shop is begging to stock your line of non-vegan, extra gluten, technically food grade, vaguely Italian meal sludge. That is truly the most upsetting hard fact in life. Merry X-mas.

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