Learning Day: Live Wild & Slow, Part 2

If you didn't read Part I, that's fine. Everyone already knew everything they needed to know about 1,001 Ways to SLOW DOWN and 1,001 Ways to Live WILD from the titles alone. A visitor from a bookless realm would see those and immediately say, "You creatures have allowed the least wise among you to be educators. Is this kindness or madness? Ah, this must be your cruel humor."

Still, to catch you up, I'm reading Barbara Ann Kipfer's 2016 and 2017 classics at the exact same time, gleaming that narrow cube between living slow and living WILD.

What did we learn from the 18 examples in part one? Besides several variations on the words "slow down" and handstands, we learned that after decades of writing lists, Barbara still vastly overestimates her abilities. She does not know 1,001 ways to do anything. If there are any AI researchers looking for a human consciousness that fits on a generation one punch card, please contact Barbara Ann Kipfer's caretaker at Tidbits n' Tickles Publishing.

Anyway, let's get started. And by the way, here in part two I'm not going to jump around cherry picking the silliest ones. We're going to take a straight path through these books as they were meant to be read and really showcase Barbara Ann Kipfer's skills as a writer. Let's start at #48:

The thing I maybe find most obnoxious about Barbara and her industry in general is how they can't tell the difference between zen and concussion. Most times the only difference is context, so let's consider that. Say I fought my way to an ancient Karate master and he told me the secret to slowing down was to "slow down and enjoy eating; play in the dirt." My God, could the answer have been in front of me this whole time? Is there insight in this simplicity? There must be. So many men on this mountain died to bring it to me. Including you, Great Master, for this is the path we chose. But know this: I will bear the burden of your mysterious final words.

Now consider the context in which this is presented. These guidelines come a few dozen pages into an uninspired gift idea for a grandma who "is into that Asia religion stuff." Barbara has worked very hard already to demonstrate she is a below average woman rewording "slow down" and "play" without research or expertise. She doesn't even go back to make sure she isn't repeating herself, meaning the 1,001 number is, at the very least, a lie. So in this context of "rushed book filler from a dumb fucking liar," the advice "slow down and enjoy eating; play in the dirt," is not profound. It's exactly what it sounds like. A goddamn ape who thinks eating and dirt are ideas.

Barbara can't read a map and she thinks she's invented Theory of Mind. Speaking of, imagine the feeling of desperation if after 53 ideas you were already flipping maps over and thinking, "Maybe this is something? Map handstands?" It's also worth noting we are only six entries out from "slow down and enjoy eating" and Barbara is already revisiting it. Just sitting at her word processor doing both things, turning objects over and chewing, and wondering why everyone isn't as smart as her.

This actually shows some real canniness on Barbara's part. If I was in a writer's room filled with talented comedians and we were trying to come up with an ironic entry in a fake book called 1,001 Ways to Live WILD, no one would top "Learn how to fold a fitted sheet." It's perfect. Not only because it's so explicitly not wild, but because she's kind of clawing at "funny?" It's almost as if Barbara knew there was a shared observation about fitted sheets, but didn't know how to express it or construct a joke about it. It's something Dennis Miller's cab driver would suggest. It's like eating airplane taxes with your mother-in-law. And speaking of eating, Barbara Ann Kipfer has thought of another way to incorporate eating into your slowing down techniques-- wait for your food to cool down!

This dingbat is probably 40 entries away from giving up and typing, "I don't know, shit. Chew your food slowly?"

Magnificent.

You probably remember in entry #48 when we learned to slow down and enjoy eating and to play in the dirt. It's been 236 entries, so Barbara knew we were ready to attempt the advanced version of those tips. She asked her readers, "What if the dirt was a fort? What if the food was a soup?"

To be fair to Barbara, not every piece of advice 1,001 Ways to SLOW DOWN is to eat slowly. Let me skip ahead to one about something el-- no... No. No... okay, here's one:

See, entry #450 is about slowing down before you eat. And in 1,001 Ways to Live WILD it's to, oh my god no, Barbara, you maniac: crash a WEDDING!? Like in the hit comedy from eleven years before you wrote this? "Here's a wild idea for summer! Get trapped in a virtual world where if you die in the simulation you die in real life!"

Look, it's really important you train to eat slowly and construct a shelter in all types of terrain. Barbara has dark knowledge of the future and thought publishing these books would be a gentler way to prepare you than screaming, "The star termites are coming! They can only see you when you chew!"

I'm sure you're wondering, and yes, there is a condition when it's okay to eat quickly. Tip #492 on slowing down states you can hurry if you're in a race against a food's expiration date. And good luck swallowing milk faster than me, time. I know it sounds crazy, and it is, but if you want to really take it to the edge? Also incorporate Barbara's tip #492 on wild living: pace yourself. Long hikes. Lots of rest. Turtle allegories. Get fucking nuts with it. Take that old yogurt into the woods real slow and watch its expiration date creep up on you from your swamp bed because you wipe your ass with society's rules.

At this point the books are almost comfortable. I feel like a scientist giving a morning hello to the brain-damaged mouse who's going to spend all day failing the maze again. Barbara's tip on slowing down is always to eat, order, cook, or chew food slowly, and her tip on living wild is always some greeting card variation of "duh." Here her crazy advice, the thing she thought about and chose to type, is literally do the thing you like.

That's not anything. It's like someone dug up the skeleton of an idea and put it together wrong. It's a mistranslated subtitle from a Japanese Gandhi porno. Maybe you haven't seen Terminator 2 enough times to get this, but every line Barbara Ann Kipfer wrote in 1,001 Ways to Live WILD seems like it should have ended with, "Oh shit! Miles Dyson! She's gonna blow him away!"

This late in the book, at entry #939, you probably thought there were no new variations on eating slowly. You dumbass, you forgot about breakfast. Well, you probably didn't. But Barbara did. She looked numbly at the words "Eat slowly" and moved her cursor between them. "B... R... e. s... s... F... A. s... S..." she tapped.

"Eat BRessFAsS slowly," she read aloud. Hmm. It wasn't there yet, but it would be soon. The master listmaker had almost cracked it.

What's this? Her 978th tip for slowing down isn't about eating slow? It's a movie one? Amazing! Let's take her advice and check out Big Night starring Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci! It's a film about the art and pleasure of slow coo-- oh, god damn it, Barbara.

It's been quite a journey through this "little book of everyday calm." We've slowed down (safely) before our meal, slowly prepared it, slowly cooked it, slowly chewed it, and slowly eaten it. Now all we need to do is take the time to slowly digest it (safely). In a way, it takes real courage to write "eaaaat fooooood" across 317 pages and publish it.

Damn it, I don't want to end this on another pair of entries where we learn "eat slow" and "Alzheimer's patient tries to recall her favorite mugs." I know I said we were going to go through these in order, but let me jump back to the start of these books and see if I can find one with actual advice. I'll try, I don't know, #31:

Okay, great! If you want to create a relaxing atmosphere, fill your room with lavender. Sounds nice! And if you want to live WILD, eat slowl-- wait, what happened. What have I done? Have I tried eating slowly? It helps slow eating to eat slowly. Oh fuck, oh slowly eat fuck, what have I done!? Eaaaaaaaaa

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