Fucking Day: Xtra Naughty Cakes

You know the expression you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Xtra Naughty Cakes, the erotic cake cookbook, takes that concept and elevates it to a new and more upsetting level.

I’m not sure if it’s sadder to pay someone to make a cake shaped like a naked woman for you or to painstakingly hand paint your own fondant nipples. It takes a lot of detailed work to make sure these erotic cakes turn out right. I’m talking you have to know the difference between a fondant and a pastillage, or your stripper’s ass will taste terrible.

Creepily, the intro to Xtra Naughty Cakes suggests you can personalize each cake for the recipient by making slight changes to hair color and clothing. I now have a new life goal of never being presented with a customized erotic cake created in my image.

The intro also stresses that the nineteen cakes in this book are meant to be “naughty” so I’m going rank them based on naughtiness using a scale from cute little scamp stealing a single erotic cookie from grandma’s shirtless Lou Diamond Phillips cookie jar, to a grizzled large tyke electrocuting a baby unicorn to death. It's very scientific, precise, and most of all sexy.

#1 Pierced Tongue Cake

This cake could be for celebrating the fact that you haven't contracted sepsis from your new piercing. The main thing I think when I look at it is how updating the Rolling Stones logo was a bad idea. Not naughty at all. In fact, if a tongue piercing is "naughty" to you in any way, let's just assume there's no such thing as an erotic cake you'll be comfortable with. You're more of a chastity-belt-filled-with-yogurt kind of dessert lover.

#2 Builder’s Bum Cake

This is a dirty butt. I find this the opposite of naughty. I'm unhornied by this. The character this butt is portraying can't even take care of his hammer, it's covered in rust! How is he going to take care of me emotionally and sexually? Two out of ten would not fuck this cake.

#3 Wild West Dancers

The description says, "This set of gorgeous frilled petticoats swirling around flashing sexy legs and underwear will be a great talking point at any celebration, or just make your favorite as a special individual treat." Wow, there's a lot to unpack there.

First of all, it’s number three on the list because you could see this view in Frontierland at Disney World in the ’80s, not that naughty. Second, "a great talking point at any celebration?" What about a funeral? You’re all standing around like, “God remember how much Grandpa loved those dancers that showed their butts at Disney World? This is such a fitting tribute. I’m so thankful someone knew how to bake gently erotic cupcakes for Grandpa.”

Third, I think you should be able to do pretty much anything in your own home as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else, except make these cupcakes for yourself. It’s too sad. Do not make and consume erotic cupcakes by yourself. Eating this alone would be extremely naughty but since no one is going to do that as per our agreement, the funeral butts only achieve a saucy wink on the naughtiness scale. Have some dignity, ass eaters.

#4 Cupcake Undies

There are far naughtier ways to eat someone's underwear. For instance, at an Italian restaurant, mixed into a nice fettuccine alfredo. However, I find the tongue banana hammock pretty disturbing, so that one cupcake alone makes this kind of naughty, I guess?

#5 Sexy Santa

She's fully dressed, but it's the bow placement directly on the vagina that does it for me. I also like the mystery of the box. It could be an elaborate dick in a box delivery system—fifty thousand Scoville's of naughty.

#6 21 Bum Salute

I have to say; I respect the pun. This is the only cake in the entire book that I would be happy to receive. The baking instructions make me uncomfortably aware that the methods for sculpting butts and boobs in this book are almost exactly the same. Put bras on these, and it's a 21 Tata Salute, but other than that, I kind of like it. It's at least as naughty as telling someone going on The Bachelor is a good life decision.

#7 Prize Sausage

Again, we have a cake that is supposedly able to spice up, "any special celebration," and again, I must say if I brought this to a girl scout graduation ceremony, that probably wouldn't go over too well. This is not a first place sausage. That's either a pity first place or the other sausages in the sausage competition really sucked, and I feel like he knows that. Look at the expression on his face. This cake is apologizing for itself. It's as naughty as bringing this floppy meek dick cake to a bris would be.

#8 Pin-Up Girl

"Older men can be notoriously difficult to make cake for, but this star and stripes sweetheart is certain to bring a little nostalgia to the celebration." Ok, I feel like I finally understand that horny Grandpa is the exact audience for these cakes. I don't disagree that big titty Captain America is sexy, and if you want to remind your Grandpa of the good old days when people could be patriotic in ways other than drinking horse medicine, I guess this works?

#9 Big Boy

If such a thing as a tasteful big dick cake exists, it's this. A true celebration of the male form, like a more robust Michael Angelo's David. It's almost too beautiful to be truly naughty. I'd call it artfully naughty. Or maybe a medical condition we should be sensitive when discussing.

#10 Hot Devil

I like the implication that you're going to hell for enjoying this sexual cake. However, I don't know if a swirling tornado of fire is that sexy. I'm aroused but also frightened by this cake. It's inviting you into a sexual hell, but in that sexual hell, what pleasure may cum? Sorry, I'm absolutely meeting the sexy devil for making a terrible Shakespeare cum joke.

#11 Sexy Basque

I will say this is the classiest way to bake and consume a woman's entire torso. I guess it's pretty naughty, but if it were on The Great British Erotic Baking Show, Mary Berry would say, "The details are so important in bringing the story of a cake to life. Maybe if it had shown a little nip or something? Or maybe a note left behind by the man who did this to her."

#12 Last Night Of Freedom

My question for this cake is, "What inciting incident is meant to have led to this outcome?" Did he try and make love to a traffic circle? Why is a no U-turn sign covering his dick? I've thought about it for so long. I've stared at this cake for half of a human hour of time. A not-insignificant portion of my life so far was spent trying to figure out this erotic cake. It's become an erotic puzzle that I cannot erotically solve.

#13 Saucy Stockings

This is the ass from the book's cover, so to the writer, it's the best cake they have to offer they can legally show in stores. The description says it will cause a few heads to turn, and I agree. They will turn away from this thirsty cake in shame. Someone has already eaten sixty percent of this butt's underwear and is trying to serve it as an uneaten cake now. That's pretty dang naughty.

#14 Camping Fun

Of course, you couldn't have an erotic cake cookbook without including the traditional erotic cake for celebrating arbor day. It's not that naughty, but I rated it higher simply because I love nature.

#15 Willy Warmer

You have to respect the fact that there's not a normal penis in this book, not a single one. If someone told me to go eat a dick and then presented me with this one, I would demand a less whimsical dick. I get that he's supposed to be wearing some kind of penis balaclava, but with the face on the outside, it looks more like it has a rare STD that you can only get from having sex in a Hobby Lobby bathroom.

#17 Birthday Treat

This man is experiencing a trauma. He's not even looking at the woman giving him a lapdance. He looks like he's just learned about the existence of feet, and it's shaken him to his very core. Traumatizing a man is pretty naughty!

#18 Showgirls

This is the very first cake in the book, so you have to love that it comes at you immediately with this energy. If you know someone who recently decided to move to Las Vegas, you can give them this cake to try and convince them to change their minds. "Please stay here," this cake screams. "Don't leave me alone with only my erotic cake cookbook for company. I'm a sick person! I need help!" It doesn’t get any naughtier than using an erotic cake to beg for help!

#19 Centerfold

Wow, this is a horny cake. Almost the horniest in this entire book! I can't think of an occasion that would demand this, other than a lonely night in with some lovingly crafted gumpaste cleavage. She's a centerfold rising out of the pages of a frosting magazine, meaning the fantasy sold by this cake is not a beautiful woman existing in your bed, but that your pornography has come to life in the form of an 18 inch woman. Cutting into this cake should reveal the words "You're under arrest."

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