Annabelle Hawthorne

Dead and Horny Ch. 34 files

No clever post from me today. I am creatively tapped out , sorry friends.

Some good stuff, though! Busy month as always. I wrapped up my portion of King of the Fae Islands, which will come out next month. We hit a pre-order bonus, so here's the alt cover for you all to gander at:

Book 8 is with the editor. I'm hoping for a January release. The audiobook team will get it shortly after (just a reminder that the Radley House Audio omnibus is only available on Audible for 8 bucks until the end of this month, in case you haven't picked it up yet (Audible members only).

Work continues on Halls of Magic 4, and then the series will wrap with Book 5.

Dead and Horny 2 is officially available in Hardcover. I have a new paperback edition for book 1 coming soon, which will be shortly followed by the paperback art for book 2. I haven't prioritized paperback sales as much as I used to because, frankly, they don't sell as well as the hardcovers. It's not for lack of love, but time, honestly.

Speaking of time, Dead and Horny will wrap up and be over with Chapter 36 and I will be focusing on main story for a bit in the hopes that I can finish a bunch of my collabs and side projects up.

Dead and Horny Ch. 34

Hi, all!

Busy month as always. I wrapped up my portion of King of the Fae Islands, which will come out next month. We hit a pre-order bonus, so here's the alt cover for you all to gander at:

Book 8 is with the editor. I'm hoping for a January release. The audiobook team will get it shortly after (just a reminder that the Radley House Audio omnibus is only available on Audible for 8 bucks until the end of this month, in case you haven't picked it up yet (Audible members only).

Work continues on Halls of Magic 4, and then the series will wrap with Book 5.

Dead and Horny 2 is officially available in Hardcover. I have a new paperback edition for book 1 coming soon, which will be shortly followed by the paperback art for book 2. I haven't prioritized paperback sales as much as I used to because, frankly, they don't sell as well as the hardcovers. It's not for lack of love, but time, honestly.

Speaking of time, Dead and Horny will wrap up and be over with Chapter 36 and I will be focusing on main story for a bit in the hopes that I can finish a bunch of my collabs and side projects up. It always seems like I have grand plans that are ultimately shattered by IRL events, and then I've got to work overtime

Reassembling the Pieces

A typical office building was built from concrete and steel, then finished with drywall made from the crushed up dreams of financial freedom. The flooring was usually the cheapest that could be found, the kind that made your feet hurt when you walked on it in order to keep your ass in its seat so that you complete your fucking work. Though it was considered impossible to squeeze blood from a stone, it was absolutely possible to crush the hope out of office drones through the use of passive aggressive feng-shui alone.

This one was intended to be a sham, a dimensional ouroboros intended to keep its occupants trapped and running in circles as an uncountable number of minotaurs chased you. In truth, it was a fairly practical metaphor for white collar drudgery.

Which is exactly why Lily found that it burned so well.

Wreathed in flames and standing almost eight feet tall, Lily had slipped into full demon form to combat the never ending tide of minotaurs. They roared and charged at her, sprinting down long halls and even occasionally through walls. Lily eviscerated them casually, her anger fueled by her inability to escape this place. Hellfire licked at her skin and burned across her horns and down her hair. Her skin was the color of smoldering embers and cracking ash, causing any loose paper to ignite the moment she entered the room.

“That’s my girlfriend,” Mike shouted with glee. “Look at how fucking hot she is!”

A minotaur bellowed and charged at her from around a nearby corner. Lily spun in place and grabbed the creature by the horns, then yanked. With a loud snap, the beast’s neck was broken.

Another minotaur tried to ambush her from behind. She impaled it through the neck with her tail, then converted the point into a slashing edge and decapitated a third.

While trapped in here and fighting an endless minotaur army, Lily had heard a female voice echo through the hallways. It hadn’t been the speaker herself that had induced such a rage, Lily had no idea who she was. Rather, it had been the message.

“How is it that I’ve locked up a succubus with a human soul?” the stranger had asked. In that moment, Lily had gone absolutely still, afraid any movement would make her vulnerable. Oddly, the intruding presence had left shortly after, leaving her in an absolute panic to escape.

The minotaurs lay dead where they dropped until Lily lost eye contact with their remains. Then they would simply disappear, leaving behind only bits of ash. She couldn’t be certain, but it seemed likely that they were just respawning elsewhere in the building.

Her wrath had become the flames that clothed her now as she stomped with cloven hooves down hallways that could no longer contain her. Lily’s horns dragged along the ceiling, sending waves of fire out. The sprinkler systems had kicked on, but Lily burned too hot even for them.

Eventually, the floor gave out, crumbling to reveal the one beneath. The ceiling was a mass of black smoke that eventually peeled back to reveal the structure up above. Like a star going supernova, Lily now hovered in the void as the building burned down around her.

Minotaurs leapt from above in an attempt to grapple her out of the air. She casually struck them down, then watched their bodies fall into the flames below. The succubus would occasionally fly along the rim of her inferno, making sure the flames stayed nice and hot. On the odd chance somebody came inside to find her, they would discover a most horrible welcome indeed.

“Come at me!” she shrieked as the world burned. The minotaurs, unable to physically reach her anymore, simply stood at the perimeter of the burn zone and watched. Snarling, Lily darted in and yanked them with her tail down into the fire.

Mike cheered her on while hovering in the middle of the room wearing a very cheap angel costume. “We’re having steak tonight!” he shouted, pumping one fist in the air. “I hope you like your minotaur well done!”

She lost track of time as she continued to kill them. The office building continued to smolder, but with no sign of becoming unstable enough to burst the trap she was caught in. Lily tore through its hallways in a personal hellscape of her own making, only to eventually circle back to the epicenter of destruction and discover that the building had partially rebuilt itself. Much like the minotaurs, the structure itself respawned.

It didn’t stop her from trying, though. Terror flowed like ice through her veins at the thought that her captor may come in here and find a way to take Mike’s soul from her. Perhaps there was some way to break the trap. Given enough time, she would find it.

The succubus was in the middle of creating a giant pillar of flames in the building when all the air rushed out of the structure, causing her to fall out of the sky and crash into the ground. Spitting out concrete and drywall, she saw racks appearing on every available surface.

“I…did it?” she asked.

Mike, standing nearby in a fireproof suit, yanked off his hood and frowned. “I don’t think this was you,” he said as cracks appeared in the air.

“Guess it doesn’t really matter,” Lily replied as a particularly large crack appeared up above. The air shifted violently, pulling everything toward the crack itself. Spirialing through the air, Lily tried to dodge the debris as she made her way toward what she hoped was the exit.

The vortex yanked Lily toward it, ribbons of glass melting against her fiery skin as the compressed world around her began to collapse. Minotaurs fell alongside her, howling in agony as they slammed into busted concrete and had their limbs broken. What was left of the office building suddenly imploded behind Lily as she was flung head first into a brick wall, her torso breaking through to the other side.

Momentarily stunned, she just let her ass dangle, occasionally swishing her tail back and forth in case someone tried to come at her. Eventually, a gentle hand caressed her butt.

"I think we're clear," Mike said, giving her butt a little pat. "Shrink back down before you burn this place, too."

Lily restrained her true demon form, which caused her to shrink down to her usual size. It was a simple matter now of backing out of the hole. She shook her head to rid herself of the debris.

She and Mike were in an office, or what was left of one. It looked like a cartoon bomb had gone off, and the entire room was covered in a thick layer of soot save for a clear spot at the epicenter of the blast where some broken glass and the remains of a snowglobe were placed. Lily took a wobbly step forward, then heard something crunch under her heel. Looking down, she saw the remains of a minotaur, its body turning to ash and falling apart.

"Those fuckers better not keep coming back here, too," she muttered, putting her hand on a chair for support. Pain raced up and down her spine as she fought to literally hold herself together. The last thing she wanted right now was to disapparate. Her options then would be to return directly to either Mike or Naia, or return to this location later and hope that the witch didn't have another trap waiting for her.

She had tried offing herself inside the office building, but could only reform within its confines. Lily needed to finish her mission before taking the easy way home.

"What the fuck is that?" Mike asked. Lily looked down and saw what looked to be a hand carefully navigating the floor. Frowning, she knelt down and picked it up. There were bits of glass stuck in the fingers, and she yanked a piece out and was a little surprised to see the wound stitch itself up.

"I'd know this hand anywhere," she declared.

"Because it's been in your asshole before?" Mike asked.

"I never forget a fist." Lily flipped the hand over, ridding it of glass bits. It fought her, so she did the rational thing and sucked on one of its fingers as if blowing it.

Dana's hand relaxed, then tapped at her wrist.

"So do you think this is a Thing situation where her hand is alive on its own, or is she doing a remote thing?" Lily poked the palm of the hand. "Hello, can you hear me?"

"Try putting it down," Mike said. Lily obeyed, and the hand frantically tapped the floor, then flexed its fingers to stand up tall and point down repeatedly with the index finger.

"I think she wants us to go down," Mike said.

"Of course she does. I'm really good at it." Lily smirked and picked the hand up. "Okay, ladyfingers, if you want to go down, then where are the stairs?" It took her a moment to figure out where the exit was, as everything in the room was the same color. There was a large wooden door on one side of the room, but Lily figured Dana's hand hadn't come from that way. She wandered the office and discovered that there was a narrow hallway behind the bookshelves that led to a spiral staircase.

She descended the metal stairs, then cocked her head when she heard a distance rumbling. "Was that an explosion?" she asked.

"Nope. Gundam attack." Mike looked at her and shrugged. "I have no clue. It sure sounded explode-y."

"You're lucky that you're cute," she muttered as she continued descending the stairs. Sniffing at the air, she didn't detect any traces of salt water. Were they still in the Caribbean? If so, then it was very likely they were underground. But the office had had a window in it, right? Were they not by the ocean anymore?

"You're thinking about this way too hard," Mike said, giving her a gentle bump with his shoulder. "Also, how far do we go down these stairs? To the bottom?"

"Maybe here?" Lily stopped to open a door and looked out in the hall. Dana's hand, somehow sensing their lack of movement, impatiently tapped at Lily and then pointed down and at an angle.

"Yeah, yeah, we get it." Lily smirked and continued. They moved past a couple more floors before the walls of the stairwell opened up to reveal the polished floor of a medical laboratory.

When Lily stepped off of the stairs, the witty comment she had reserved for finding Dana died on her lips. Across the room, Dana's head and torso were mounted to a board, and the zombie locked eyes with her.

"Oh, fuck me," Lily whispered, seeing the state that Dana was in. She rushed over to Dana and touched her friend's cheek. Dana's lips twitched as she took a deep breath and spoke.

"Took you long enough," she wheezed.

"You look like shit," Lily replied.

"Practically falling apart," Dana replied. "Tasia is stuck in that painting. If you can't put me back together, take her and go."

"I would rather die," Lily replied, and meant it. "Now what's this about a...oh." The painting was old, but there was no mistaking the disgruntled former Knight inside. Tasia was frozen mid-argument with an old man holding a pitchfork. "How did she get in there?"

"No idea. Didn't see it," Dana replied. "The witch took her hostage, so I let her knock me out to keep her safe. I don’t even know what all she did to me while I was unconscious. How bad do I look?"

"It's not good. How are you even functioning right now?"

Dana's lips twitched. "She did some experiments. Shoved a whole piece of vampyr jerky in my guts. It won't last much longer, though."

"Yeah, we're gonna need...something." Lily studied the room and located every part of Dana. "I don't know how fast I can stitch you back together."

"Tasia can help if you get her out."

Lily turned to look at the painting. "Should I stab it?"

"No idea. It could hurt them."

"Or free them." Lily made a face. This was a decision she didn't feel qualified to make at all. "I've heard rumors of witches doing this, but the technique was lost a long time ago."

The succubus studied the painting for several seconds. Trapping people, particularly children, in paintings had actually caused quite the stir in the magical world. Part of it was the sheer audacity of the act. The other was the magical prowess required to essentially create a self sustained pocket world to use as a prison.

“Well?’ Dana asked.

“Still thinking.” Lily could see some of the magic of the painting, but not enough. She stepped up to the painting and gave it a little tap. At first, her finger brushed against the dry paint, but when she did it again, a tiny ripple went across the canvas.

“How very Mario 64,” Dana muttered.

“I…huh.” Lily turned to look at the zombie. “You actually referenced something that went over my head.”

“Why did it do that?” Dana asked.

“Not sure.” Lily repeated the process and took a step back. “Well I’ll be damned.”

“You are.”

Lily waved Dana off. “This place is just full of surprises. It seems like this painting is some variation of the Dreamscape. Which…wow.” She touched the painting again and a larger ripple went through it.

“Can you go in?”

“Maybe. But I don’t know if I could get out.” Hesitant to willingly enter another trap, she turned to Dana. “I think we should—”

There was a distant explosion, followed by the muffled sound of gunfire.

“Stitch you back together,” she finished, looking for a needle and thread. This room was clearly some type of laboratory, and the various instruments already on hand were more than a little unsettling.

“Over there,” Dana said, glancing at some shelves. “Surgical grade stuff. If you can get my hand back on, I’ll stitch my other arm while you do my legs.”

“It’s always so much fun hanging out with you,” Lily replied. “I’m not gonna bother with anesthetic today. Your HMO doesn’t cover it.”

“Just make sure you tie a pretty little bow on the end.” Dana tilted her head and watched as Lily peeled back skin and muscle to get at the bone underneath.

It was a grisly process, but at least the cuts were clean. The bones mended themselves faster than Lily had ever seen, and then the muscle came next. She worked fast, taking note that some muscles and tendons were reattaching themselves before she had finished stitching them back together. This significantly sped up the process, which meant that after about ten minutes, Dana’s hand was back on.

Lily used her tail to smash up the expensive storage containers to retrieve Dana’s remaining limbs then she held Dana’s other hand in place long enough for the bones to heal together. Lily pinched muscle fibers back together while Dana did her own stitches.

Dana’s legs were far harder to re-attach due to her hamstrings and quads. The balljoint of her femur had been sliced during limb removal, and that was a tricky bitch to get back in place so it could heal correctly. By the time Lily was only halfway done with the leg, Dana had two usable arms.

“Let me,” said the zombie as she reached down and yanked on her own hamstring, holding it in place so that Lily could sew it back together. They were running short on thread, so Dana yanked it out of her arms.

“I’m fairly certain we’re breaking so many health codes,” Lily muttered.

Dana shrugged. “Fuck it. We’re burning this place down, anyway.” She let out a long, ragged breath, which caused Lily to look up at her with a frown.

Dana’s hair had gone white, and her eyes were now a dull gray. The vampyr jerky that had kept her sane had officially run out. Even now, her focus was slipping as she stared at the exposed flesh of Lily’s chest, openly salivating.

“Yeah, you’re a fucking mess.” She looked around. “Where’s your food stash?”

“Don’t…know…” Dana licked her lips, and Lily heard a low growl that reminded her very much of a demonic presence. It was Dana’s stomach. “Hungry.”

The succubus frowned. She could feed Dana from her emergency stash of magical spooge, but then it would put the zombie’s libido into hyperdrive. It wasn’t something they really had time for. Looking around the room, she noticed animal cages. Lily stepped toward one and Dana grabbed her by the hair.

“Infected,” she said. “Zombie-fied.”

The succubus looked again and saw that the animals were indeed deceased, but still moving. Rats were banging themselves against the glass in an attempt to get out, and a particularly adorable guinea pig was eating its tank mate.

“Shit,” she muttered. “We need to contain this.”

“Uhhhhh…” Dana’s head sagged as her eyelids fluttered. Her other leg was back on now, but her wounds were no longer healing. 

Lily jammed the end of her tail into Dana’s mouth and drip fed her Mike’s magical semen. The zombie greedily sucked, moaning around Lily’s tail as she did so. Lily undid the straps holding Dana in place and helped catch her as she dropped.

“Yes, good zombie, keep eating,” she muttered as she moved toward the painting, her tail extending to keep Dana connected. The painting was in a large wooden frame, otherwise she would consider rolling it up and just leading Dana out of the lab. Giving the image another poke, she tried to treat it like she would a dreamer.

Reality melted around Lily as her mind entered the painting. Or perhaps she was entering the minds of the people inside. It was really hard to tell. She found herself standing outside of a cottage made of paint, and everything shifted slightly as if she was disturbing her surroundings.

Unlike the Dreamscape, she couldn’t feel her body here. Instead, her sense of touch was solely grounded in the real world. Currently, Dana had pressed herself against Lily’s back and was sucking on her tail while squeezing her boobs from behind.

“Weird,” she muttered, her voice echoing like she was in an empty warehouse. With lurching footsteps, she walked around the cottage to see an old man with a pitchfork shoving it in Tasia’s direction.

“You are the devil,” he shouted in an older German dialect. Lily only knew it from that time she had consumed a whole lot of Germans during the run-up to World War I. Or was it World War II? It didn’t really matter.

“I swear to God I will break your fucking arms,” Tasia growled as she backed into a tree. “Stop pointing that shit at me.”

“Don’t you dare use the Lord’s name in vain!” he shouted, and jabbed at her with the pitchfork.

Tasia casually dodged, then looked past the man to see Lily standing there. Her eyes opened wide in recognition, which caused the old man to spin and see Lily.

“Demon!” he shrieked.

“Okay, even I understood that,” Tasia remarked. “Did you get captured by the witch, too? Why is your body transparent?”

“Not captured. I’ve sort of stumbled my way in here.”

The old man fell to his knees and started praying. Lily scowled at him and moved to give him a kick.

“I wouldn’t,” Tasia said. “Gunther has been stuck in here since he was like six or whatever. He’s loony for a reason.”

Lily kicked the man anyway, and her foot passed right through him. When this happened, he let out a gasp, and prayed even harder, staring up in supplication toward a painted sky. 

“Ugh. Now he thinks it’s working.” Lily studied the man and rubbed at her chin. “He’s been in here his entire life?”

“If the Auctioneer is to be believed, yeah.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at Tasia. “Could you knock him out for me?”

“Why?”

“I’m gonna root around his head to see what he’s already tried. I can leave, but I need to get you out, too.”

The werewolf nodded. “Have you seen Dana? I don’t know what happened to her.”

“She’s out here with me.”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s feeling me up right now.”

Tasia narrowed her eyes. “Why is she doing that?”

Lily sighed. “Cause your girlfriend got dismembered. And the only glue I had to put Humpty Lesbie back together again has quite the side effect.”

The werewolf nodded, her facial features relaxing. She was familiar with the process, at least anecdotally. Dana had stopped using the stuff ever since she’d found an alternative food source. Tasia moved behind Gunther and put him into a chokehold. “So what’s the plan?”

“I get you out of here, you fuck your girlfriend to clear her head, and then we leave…wherever we are.”

“Kensington.” Tasia barely moved as Gunther struggled for air, the old man flailing his limbs.

“Kensington? Really?” The succubus frowned. “I got trapped in the Caribbean. Big old office building full of minotaurs in a pocket universe. Must have brought me here.”

“We essentially walked into a big old trap. Older lady who claimed she was buying her brother’s painting at an auction, but I have my doubts now.” Tasia looked down at Gunther, who had gone limp. “Just a couple more seconds,” she said. “Annnnnd…there.”

She set the old man on the ground and Lily knelt over him. Despite being little more than an illusion in this world, she could absolutely smell the man’s soul. It was very similar to a child’s, it wasn’t like he could have gotten up too much in this place. 

“You did very well,” Lily said. “He’s actually out cold.”

“There’s a fine art to getting them unconscious without killing them.” Tasia shrugged. “Especially when they’re as delicate as he is. Felt like I was wrestling a man made of straw.”

Kneeling at his side, Lily guided Gunther into a more restful slumber and watched his Dreamscape bloom before her eyes. It was incredibly small, and consisted mostly of the interior of the painting. She had to dig deep to find him some happy memories of his childhood. Based on what she learned, Werner (Gunther’s real name), had been stuck here since he was seven and long ago went mad with nothing but his mother’s stories and church sermons to keep him company.

This place wouldn’t let him die. Werner had tried numerous times to take his own life, firmly in the belief that he had ended up in some version of Purgatory. The magic kept him alive, and old age would be the only ailment to truly take him. It was very likely that he would spend months or years in a slow decline as his body continued aging long past its natural expiration until his very heart was no longer capable of continuing.

“What did you say about the woman who bought the painting?” Lily asked.

“What?” Dana asked from outside the painting. The succubus turned her body and exposed her right breast.

“Eat it from here,” she said, interrupting Tasia.

“Eat what?” Tasia asked. “There’s nothing to eat in this fucking place. I’m starving.”

“I hate this,” Lily muttered. “Dana, I’m not talking to you. Tasia. What was that about this painting?”

“I recognize it from the auction. The woman who bought it said something about her brother being trapped inside.”

“The witch bought it,” Dana said from outside the painting. “The Collector. She wanted to learn its magic.” 

Lily felt the zombie latch onto her nipple and bite down. She grabbed Dana’s head and turned her attention back to the painting.

“So the witch who trapped him here isn’t the same one,” she said.

“Don’t think so,” Tasia said, sitting cross-legged on the ground. “At least, not my impression.”

Dana muttered something, and Lily held her even closer.

“Not with your mouth full,” she muttered as she created a beautiful dream for Werner. There wasn’t enough time to make something complicated, to somehow recreate the life taken from him. Instead, she presented him with a magnificent view of Heaven, of meeting his loved ones again. The narrative of hope was important, because it helped soften the blow of his memories inside of this wretched world.

Werner’s options inside the painting had been limited. He had dug down into the dirt with his bare hands, tried shattering the edges of the world with anything he could find. Every day, when he fell asleep, the world reset.

Decades of memories flitted through Lily’s head in moments. It was a struggle to process them as Werner wept with pure joy at the false visions of his family. 

By the time she was done, Lily sighed and brushed the long, loose strands of Werner’s hair from his forehead, much as his mother had done as a child. The man would routinely yank out his own hair every few years, had even tried to braid a rope to hang himself a few times, but this was the only way to keep it trimmed.

“Poor, miserable child,” she whispered in German. 

“Well?” Tasia asked.

“It’s not good news,” Lily said. “Werner here tried everything, but you have more options than he did. I can’t really act from out here, and you might end up in the same situation Werner did if you can’t find a way to cut yourself out. Maybe your claws could do it, you’re stronger than Werner is and have more stamina You’d have to overcome the magical barrier, though.”

Tasia nodded and rose, touching an obsidian bangle on her wrist. A second later, the bangle was gone, replaced with a black blade.

“Where the hell have you been hiding that?” Lily asked.

“My ass.” Tasia grinned. “It’s the blade nobody sees coming. Can’t work that way if I bust it out at every opportunity.”

With that, Tasia ran to the edge of the painting and started slashing. Golden light briefly appeared but the boundaries of the world sealed themselves shut.

“Aim for the canvas itself,” Lily said, pointing away from the cottage. “The fabric will be easier to destroy.” She spoke softly, afraid to disturb the slumbering child beneath her.

The succubus withdrew from the painting and saw that long scratches had appeared along the canvas. She grabbed Dana and turned her away. The figures in the painting couldn’t move when watched, after all.

The pressure in the room shifted dramatically with the sound of splintering wood and the meaty thud of two bodies hitting the floor. Dana unlatched her mouth from Lily’s breast and threw herself at Tasia.

“Mine!” she declared as she started ripping Tasia’s top off.

“Always the bridesmaid, never the bride,” Lily bemoaned as she moved next to Werner. The man was free, but in a world that had long ago left him behind. His mind was like stained-glass and would easily shatter again once he awoke to find that his version of Heaven was not real.

Tasia and Dana were in the middle of a very inappropriate liplock on the ground as Lily knelt next to Werner and stabbed him with her tail. She dumped her venom into his body and guided his dreams with far more control than before.

When his heart finally stopped, tears of joy were running down his cheeks.

---

Long, narrow service corridors meant that Ingrid could sprint ahead while keeping her shield spell up behind her. The dark figures that pursued her would occasionally bounce off the shell without so much as a grunt. As some kind of golem or homunculus, they did not feel pain.

She had discovered this fact after shooting one several times from a point-blank range, only to hear a loud splat as the creature's clay-like body absorbed the rounds. Jenny had promptly turned it inside out, showering the room in clay and bandages, along with what used to be someone's skeleton. Apparently the golems did rely on a human's skeletal system for support, which was an ingenious way of handling the structural issue.

After exploding the golem, Jenny had gone mysteriously quiet. Frustrated at the spirit, Ingrid was now running through this new house at full speed while trying to dodge her pursuers.

"Hey!" Ingrid flicked Jenny's head. "Please, I need your help!"

The spirit let out a sigh. Tired, she replied.

"Tired? How the fuck are you tired, I've seen you do way more than this!" Ingrid turned a corner and slid under the waiting arms of another golem. Their heavy bulk meant their reflexes were slow, which was good for her, because she had also seen one of them accidentally rip a door frame free while reaching for her.

Tired, was all the spirit said.

"How do I get you untired?" Ingrid asked, breathing hard. "All spirits require some form of energy, right? So...take some of mine!"

Specific energy, Jenny replied. Feed on...emotions. Terror.

"What?" Ingrid almost slid to a halt. "I'm plenty scared right now, you can have it!"

Fear of...me. It was almost like an admission of guilt. Why did Jenny insist on being the very definition of a spooky doll? To ensure she had a constant source of energy to use to tear the world down around her. From what Ingrid knew, even the Radleys were wary of the doll's outbursts.

And still, they had found a way to love her for who she was. This caused a tiny pang in her hear. She had to grit her teeth and fight against the tiny wave of depression that threatened to claim too much of her attention.

Panting, Ingrid reached the end of a hallway and started climbing a set of stairs. Her legs were burning as she tried to pull herself up the stairwell by the railing. Down below, the golems were right behind her.

At the top of the stairs was a double door with a dining room inside. Ingrid bolted the double door and pulled a chair out from the table, then scurried underneath before pulling the chair back into place. Seconds later, the door splintered open as two golems shoved their way through, followed by two more.

Ingrid took very slow, shallow breaths as her heart jackhammered in her ear. Depending on how smart these things were, they might look under the table to see if she had gone there. But if Ingrid was right, the lack of disturbance in the room would confuse them.

Clearly this was the case as the golems walked silently around the table, pausing only to open a couple of doors and try to determine where she went. One of them remained behind as the other three left the room, exploring the routes she could have taken.

Ingrid stared out at dark boots as they circled the table, pausing occasionally to turn around. This golem was on some sort of sentry-mode.

Jenny, Ingrid thought at the doll. Can you throw some silverware back down the stairwell?

Ingrid felt the room grow cold. Seconds later, the sound of shattering glassware filled the stairwell. The golem sprinted in that direction, followed shortly after by the other three and an additional golem who had clearly joined them from this part of the house. Ingrid waited until the distant thudding of footsteps died out, then carefully moved out from beneath the table and deeper into the house.

She discovered the kitchen and took a moment to hide in the pantry and collect her thoughts. Someone had stocked the room with expensive food and wine, but Ingrid was excited to see that they also had a large pallet of sparkling water.

Thirsty, she cracked open a bottle and carefully drank it. The last thing she needed was to belch loudly afterward.

Pathetic, Jenny muttered.

"Blow me," Ingrid whispered, then sat to take stock of her current situation. She was not just deep inside the manor, but was somehow inside a home that had been in the basement. She was tired of dimensional fuckery, which had become her new normal.

In her entire career, it was quite rare to see this level of dimensional stitching while randomly out on assignment. The frequency of it in recent days spoke to how far out out of her depth she now felt.

"Let's track down an outsider from our magic library, oh wait, we're hunting witches now." Ingrid sighed and finished her bottle of sparkling water, then took a quick peek out the door of the pantry. Seeing nobody there, she closed the doors and pulled the coat up around her head and let out a belch, hoping the fabric would dampen it.

Let me out! Jenny cried, followed by spectral coughing.

"You don’t even have a sense of smell. At least your sense of humor is intact," Ingrid whispered, then dropped the coat and opened the pantry door to leave.

A dark hand closed around her neck and yanked, throwing her clear across the kitchen and into a fancy stainless steel refrigerator. Ingrid fell to the ground with a grunt as the door of the fridge opened and spilled its contents on the ground. Ingrid looked up at her attacker and froze.

It was the demon. The creature's elongated torso wobbled as it took a couple of shaky steps toward her. A seam appeared in the white skin of its head, which unfolded vertically to reveal a mass of razor sharp teeth that wiggled like fingers.

"Do you...think I'm..." Ingrid coughed, and frowned when she tasted blood. The demon moved toward her on wobbly legs. It reached down to pick her up with an extra long arm.

"Afraid of...you?" she wheezed as she reached into the pocket of her duster. The demon flapped its vertical lips at her, which made an odd clacking sound as it pulled her closer to take a bite out of her face.

A dull thudding sound filled the kitchen as a golem arrived and stared at both Ingrid and the demon. It tilted its head to one side as it considered them, then looked at the mess on the floor.

There was an awkward moment when the demon actually bent its head over backward to hiss at the golem, which now recognized the demon as the immediate threat. The golem took two loping steps forward and tackled the demon to the ground and started punching it.

Ingrid hit the floor again and felt something in her wrist break. Groaning, she crawled across the floor as the golem and her demon fought, the two of them smashing each other into various kitchen appliances. With clawed hands, the demon tore chunks out of the golem as Ingrid crawled toward the nearest door. Across the room, another golem arrived just in time to see the demon rip the spine out of its brethren, and joined the melee with pinwheeling fists.

"Mom, the...workers are...fighting." Ingrid giggled quietly to herself as she snuck away. The sounds from the kitchen were getting louder, and she could only assume that more golems had joined the fray.

The hallway ended in a spiral staircase. Ingrid swore under her breath as she wondered what her best course of action should be. With a choice of going up or down, she was tempted to flip Jenny like a coin when she felt a malignant presence watching her.

She looked back down the hall to see the demons standing there, its body covered in odd, superficial gashes and shreds of clay that it seemed to wear like badges of honor. Sighing, she pulled a piece of chalk out of her pocket and started frantically drawing a protective circle on the floor.

The demon chattered at her and walked forward, both arms extending to drag along the side of the hall as the lights flickered. Cursing to herself, she tried to finish her protective sigil, but the demon stretched forward and shoved her against the wall.

Struggling to breathe, Ingrid winced when the demon raised its free hand to reveal razor blade talons and then swiped her across the chest. After three passes, the demon paused to study its handiwork, only to see that Ingrid was unharmed. The coat was faintly glowing with a protective barrier.

The demon lifted its face hole in her direction, and the lips rippled as it spoke. “Nice coat,” it said, its mouth opening wide to encapsulate her head.

“Thanks,” Ingrid replied. “It has pockets.” With that, she jammed a silver crucifix into the demon’s open mouth, causing its head to burst into flame. Shrieking, it let go of her and thrashed around, trying to pull the crucifix free but failing. Ingrid ran toward the creature with a silver dagger in her hand.

It had been recovered during cleanup from an Order op gone sideways at a place called the Black Palace in Maui. When Aurora had left the Order, it was one of many things she had tossed into a box on the way out. Though the silver and pearl inlays in the hilt that made it more powerful had been destroyed by fire, the runes etched into the silver blade flared bright as Ingrid jammed it into the demon’s back.

It squealed like a stuck pig and fell to the floor, immobilized in a pillar of light. Thrashing about, it tried to grab at Ingrid, but she moved just out of range and pulled a squirtgun out of one pocket and opened fire. Holy water ignited like gasoline on the demon’s torso as it burned, coiling up on itself like an injured snake. By the time it managed to cough up the crucifix, the damage had been done and the demon’s body was already crumbling into ash.

“Have fun in Hell,” Ingrid said, giving the demon one last squirt. “Tell the next poor asshole they send that I’ll be ready for them.”

The demon hissed, but didn’t reply as it faded into dust. The beam of light disappeared, and Ingrid let out a sigh of relief and sagged against the wall. She coughed hard when her butt hit the ground, then held up the hand with the broken wrist. It was already turning purple.

“Fuck me,” she muttered, then let out a scream as a telekinetic surge of power forced the bones back into their correct orientation.

You’re welcome, Jenny replied. Now wrap it.

With tears streaming down her face, Ingrid pulled a roll of gauze from her pocket and wrapped the hand. She would most definitely need a cast later, but this would help.

With a grunt of pain, she retrieved her dagger and the crucifix, then stuck them back into her pockets as she moved toward the stairs.

“Which direction should we go?” she asked. She was hesitant to go down the stairs, as it would mean having to come back up them later if that didn’t pan out. Ingrid took two steps up the stairwell when she heard someone female down below yell out.

“Down it is,” she muttered as she started her descent.

Shouldn’t you be holding the railing? Jenny asked.

Ingrid looked at the railing, and then her bad hand which was currently hovering just above it.

“Fuck off,” she declared. Jenny giggled as they went down into the dark together. As they turned the spiral, there was more shouting from below, followed by a moan.

“What the fuck?” Ingrid wondered as she continued. Eventually, the room opened up to reveal some sort of laboratory. The room was full of animal cages that had been smashed recently. In the middle of the room, Dana had her pants off and was frantically riding Tasia’s face while Lily sat on her tail in the corner by a dead guy, looking bored to tears.

Everyone paused when they saw the mage. Ingrid appraised the situation, nodded quietly, then turned to go back up.

“Not so fast.” Lily’s sinewy tail wrapped around Ingrid and lifted her into the air to pull her in for a hug. “Did you come to rescue little old me?”

“Yes,” Ingrid wheezed, frantically slapping at Lily’s tail. “Ribs…broken!”

“Shit, sorry.” Lily let go of Ingrid, and she slipped to the floor and stumbled so hard that Jenny tumbled out of her baby carrier onto the ground.

Bitch!

“Double sorry. You have no idea how lonely it’s been watching these two reconnect.”

“Why, though?” Ingrid gestured upstairs. “You should know I have a small army following me right now.”

“Figures.” Lily sighed. “Dana’s all hopped up on Mike juice to help repair cellular damage on account of having her vampyr jerky jacked by an evil witch known as—”

“The Collector, we gathered that.” Ingrid found a seat nearby and sat in it.

“You look terrible,” Lily said. Dana let out a loud moan as another orgasm hit, and she tipped forward and caught herself before face planting. “If it makes you feel better, they’ve only been doing that a few minutes. Dead girl is just trying to get off to clear her head so that we can move on.”

Ingrid nodded and briefly met eyes with Tasia. The werewolf looked sheepish as she slid free of Dana and looked around the room for a replacement shirt. When she didn’t find one, she just shrugged.

“We are in Europe, I guess.” Tasia said, then put her hands on her hips and posed. “I think it’s legal here.”

“They have nude beaches, not nude…” Lily looked to Ingrid for help. “Wait, where the fuck are we right now?”

“In a magical house inside the basement of an estate at Kensington.”

“We’re underground?” Lily asked.

“There’s a window just up the stairs,” Dana said as she tried to find some clothes. With a sigh, she just stood naked next to Tasia. Ingrid couldn’t help but notice that the zombie was crying, or had been. “I’m guessing it’s a shortcut out of here. We could leave through there.”

“I think the outsider is being kept in a painting,” Ingrid said, then jerked her thumb toward the stairs. “Back that way. If we’re going to escape, we should at least try to grab that thing on the way out.”

“Stored in a painting? Are you sure?” Lily snapped her fingers. “It makes perfect sense! Dreams aren’t really beholden to the rules of time or space, and—”

“I really don’t care about all that right now,” Ingrid said. “We can talk all you want later. I just want some serious painkillers and a bubble bath.” The mage coughed and wiped blood from her mouth. “And maybe a hospital stay.”

“So…smash and grab on our way out?” Tasia looked at Dana. “Where do you think she put our stuff? You probably need your swords.”

“And my jerky. You should sniff it out for me,” Dana said. “I bet she didn’t take my stuff far.”

Tasia sniffed the air and started circling the room, her facial features distorting to create a muzzle. She made it to the corner of the room where she pressed her face into the seam and inhaled.

“Through here,” she said.

Lily stabbed her tail into the corner and turned it into a miniature jaws of life. Gears inside the wall made a grinding sound and then released, revealing that the corner was actually a secret door hiding an elevator door. The succubus poked the button with her thumb and the door opened.

“Next stop, swords and sorcery.” She grinned at the others as Ingrid limped toward the door. The mage paused and looked at the dead guy on the ground.

“Who was that?” she asked.

“Casualty of witches.” Lily’s false smile slipped for just a second. “It’s better not to dwell on it.”

Ingrid nodded and got in the elevator. “Looks like the band is together again,” she noted, then pushed the only button inside the cab.

“Does anyone want to stack hands and shout girl power?” Lily asked as the doors closed.

They all told her to shut up.

---

Aurora checked her watch again as she listened to her phone ring through her headset. After the fourth ring, someone from her support team picked up.

“Ulysses speaking.”

“It’s me. I wanted to know if you had a lead on the materials I needed.”

Ulysses chuckled. It was a very dry sound. “As a matter of fact, yes. We sent the data over to Eulalie already. The Rat Queen is setting up portals based on our information right now.”

“We’re on a massive time crunch,” Aurora added.

“Which is why we’ve plotted you a route,” Ulysses said as Aurora’s phone dinged. “It’s going to look super weird because of where you are, but in short, we’re setting up a series of portals that will allow you to sort of go in a straight line. The first one will bring you here, where we’ve got a bicycle ready for you.”

“A bike?” Aurora winced. “Not even a scooter?”

“Might get flagged in Kensington. Your cover is a messenger. You will depart from here directly to a store in Illinois, followed up by a place in Oregon. The merchandise is in boxes, and there’s supposed to be an employee waiting outside.”

“Am I going to have trouble with the portal system?” Aurora asked, kneeling down to take off her shoes.

“Negative. The rats are supposed to be chewing them in rental homes with garages.” Ulysses paused. “This is absolutely the most efficient, incredible staging I’ve ever seen. Are you sure that we can’t get someone like this Eulalie to work directly with us forever?”

“We can’t afford her,” Aurora replied.

“But Alexandros could.”

“Not even him.” Aurora put on a coat and grabbed her clipboard before walking into the room the rats had prepped for her. They waved their furry paws as she stepped through the first portal and waited for the next to open as the first collapsed behind her. The release mechanisms were getting pretty advanced based on what she had seen before. The primary drawback was chewing the portals themselves, but it seemed like a ton of rats were already on the job.

She only had twelve minutes left until she was supposed to be at the Kensington Estate. It was likely some of the inbound mercenaries would make it before she did, but there was no helping it. Then again, it’s not like these people were just lurking nearby in hopes of a job.

The wall in front of her glowed brilliantly, then exploded with light to reveal the safe house with Ulysses and the support team. They all cheered Aurora on as she stepped through and accepted running shoes from a woman named Ali.

“Looks like you’ve been promoted to field work,” Ali said with a grin.

“Hardly.” Aurora accepted a bike helmet from someone else and strapped it on. “This is still all about hospitality.”

“If you say so.” Ali stood back as Ulysses wheeled the bike forward.

“I guess go straight when the portal opens,” he said. “I’ll be guiding you over the phone to avoid any GPS snafus, but there may be a slight delay while the system updates. When you get to the first location, leave the neighborhood by turning left.”

She gave the man a thumbs-up and stared straight ahead at the wall where twelve rats were busy gnawing straight into the drywall. The sound of chewing escalated as she hopped on the bike and attached her clipboard to the handlebars.

“When was the last time you even rode a bike?” Ali asked.

“Let’s just hope you truly never forget how,” Aurora replied, then checked her watch again. With just over ten minutes remaining, the portal opened into a dark void and she pedaled forward. The rats scurried through ahead of her and triggered the garage door, which she ducked to pass under, then hit the street and pedaled frantically.

“Two stop signs and then turn right,” Ulysses said.

Aurora obeyed, sweat breaking out on her brow as she blew through the stop signs without stopping and then took a wide arc on the street to make her turn at speed.

Guided by Ulysses, she pedaled away from the residential area and into a small shopping center. Outside of a motorcycle shop, a woman in a tanktop stood with a hand to her brow, squinting at the nearest street as if expecting someone. At her feet, a couple of boxes were stacked.

“You’re looking for Becky,” Ulysses said. “Goods are paid for, and we offered to tip her a hundred bucks to stand outside and wait for you.”

“I see her.” Aurora pedaled frantically, building speed through the parking lot and then applying the brakes at the last second. A twelve-foot long skidmark was left on the sidewalk as she came to a stop in front of Becky.

“Wow, this really is real,” Becky said as she picked up the boxes and helped strap them to the back of Aurora’s bike. “Can I ask why you needed them so fast?”

Aurora checked the straps. “You sure can,” she replied.

“Why did you all need—” Becky’s words were lost as Aurora took off on her bike.

“Where to next?” she asked.

Ulysses guided her to a townhome about three blocks away. The garage door opened as she approached, and she didn’t stop as she pedaled through the portal in the back and felt the temperature shift dramatically.

There were seven minutes remaining and she was now in Oregon. She didn’t even have a chance to appreciate the small town vibes as she raced to the next location, her heart pounding. Snow was on the ground, and she actually hit a nasty patch of ice that caused her to slide across the curb and crash into the sidewalk.

“Fuck!” Her legs burned as she picked herself off the ground and continued on, only to turn around and pick up her earpiece.

“You okay?” Ulysses asked as Aurora double-checked that her clipboard was still attached properly.

“Just a cold reception,” she muttered. “Where am I going?”

At the three minute mark, she pedaled up to a pair of men standing outside of a non-profit. They waved at her and held up a backpack. She slowed to a halt and they helped her slide it on.

“This must be really important,” one guy said.

“Thanks for your donation,” the other offered as Aurora nodded and pedaled away.

A cozy cottage opened its garage two minutes later, and the portal in the back took her to the inside of a box truck in London. The back door opened to reveal Ulysses and Ali, both of whom were wearing coats.

“Nice to see you,” she said as she pedaled down the ramp and turned a corner. Sure, a woman coming out of a truck would look suspicious as hell, especially this close to some embassies, but Eulalie was supposedly messing with their camera systems anyway.

With thirty seconds left to spare, Aurora arrived at the gate station where security was waiting.

“Delivery,” she said.

“Name?”

“Aurora.”

One of the guards moved closer with a bomb-sniffing dog. The animal sniffed all along Aurora and her bike. “Contents?”

“Clothing.”  

“Clear.” The guard with the dog signaled the others.

The guard waved Aurora through, and she pedaled to her final destination only two minutes late. She ditched the bike just beyond the gate of the Collector’s Estate, and pulled off the puffy coat she had been wearing to reveal a power suit that made her look more like an attorney. The boxes and backpack were set nearby and a shady looking trio entered the estate and slowed when they saw Aurora.

“Are you here for the emergency position?” she asked, waving them over. They hesitated for a second, and one man slipped behind the others, most likely to arm himself.

“What is this?” the man in front asked with a thick Russian accent.

“A check-in,” she replied. “If you are here for the position, you should know that we have a pre-established team who is currently failing to deal with our current circumstances. That’s where you come in.”

“Please explain.”

“The situation is very fluid, and we are looking to…mitigate losses to our own.” She opened up one of the boxes to reveal its contents. “To be clear, I’m not taking names. We’re just trying to keep our current employees from shooting our new employees is all.”

The men seemed dubious, but came to examine the contents of the box. “These are hats,” one of the men remarked.

“They are,” Aurora replied, holding her clipboard tight against her chest. There was nothing actually on it. Other than being bulletproof, it was just a prop. “Our current team has a backup protocol in place that requires identification.”

“This wasn’t in the job listing,” said one of the other men.

“Private security protocols won’t be,” Aurora replied. “Why do you think we have so many of them? Now, I can’t make you wear it, you’ll still get paid for the job, but you also might catch some friendly fire. Dead men don’t get paid in your line of work. Also, if you don’t want to wear a hat, we have these as well.” She knelt and opened the backpack to reveal it was packed with bright red armbands.

“Why don’t they say Security?” asked one of the men as he took a hat.

“Too obvious,” she replied, noticing a group of men entering the estate who were now walking slowly as they unholstered their weapons. Behind her, smoke was drifting through a broken window of the manor. “Someone might have guessed it. But this will get the message across, right?”

“Dmitri?” One of the newcomers greeted the man holding the hat. He turned and nodded, adjusting the brim. “What is this?”

“Check-in,” he replied, then picked up a hat and gave it to the newcomer. “Security protocol.”

“I don’t wear hats,” the man muttered, then handed it to one of his cohorts.

“Armband, then.” Aurora gave him an armband. “Again, you don’t have to wear it, but our current team might think you’re part of the problem, not the solution.”

The man spat, then pulled the armband on. “Does it matter where?” he asked.

“Just that it’s visible.” She gestured toward the estate. “I don’t have any further orders for you, so please follow the original terms of your contract.”

Seeing no harm in her request, the men all picked out hats and armbands, sometimes one of each. More hired mercenaries showed up a few minutes later, and then two dozen quietly appeared near the entrance as if they had all been pacing nearby. 

Weapons came out as they all moved toward the estate, ready to do their jobs. Whatever their full orders had been after taking the job, it definitely involved taking Ingrid down. Aurora had no idea how these people had bypassed security with autromatic weapons, nor why London had so many mercenaries on hand, but it really didn’t matter.

What did matter was how fine they looked with their hats and armbands, for embroidered on each one in bright colors that made them easily visible from a distance were three simple letters.

“Save our ship,” Aurora said with a wave to the first group as they headed off to the manor. The mercenaries largely ignored her, unaware that they were simply carrying fuel to the fire.

---

The elevator ride was nearly two minutes long. Dana was forced to pop her ears three separate times. When they got to the bottom, the doors opened and they stepped out together.

“You know, this whole mess started with an elevator ride,” Lily said. Everyone took turns shoving the succubus back and forth.

“Where are we?” Tasia asked.

“It looks like a warehouse,” Ingrid replied. “Only…weirder.”

Instead of massive stacks, the large space was populated with small structures. They walked up to the nearest one and examined the plaque outside.

“What language is this?” Ingrid asked.

“Latvian,” Lily replied. “Very old.”

“What does it say?”

She shook her head. “Lietuvēns,” Lily replied.

“That doesn’t help any,” Ingrid muttered.

Tasia sniffed the air and pointed to the right. “Dana’s stuff was taken this way. We should probably hurry the fuck up.”

“Hold on,” Lily replied. “I need to know.”

“Know what?” Dana asked as Lily kicked down the door.

“It’s a word for tortured spirits,” the succubus replied. “Specifically, it can refer to the spirits of children. And I need to know if…okay, yeah, I don’t get it.”

They had followed Lily inside and saw that the small building was more like a traditional warehouse on the inside. In this case, the room was decorated with what looked to be Hummel figurines frozen in mid-scream, many of them in twisted poses like they were in pain.

Ingrid picked one up to look at it and shivered. “These are creepy.”

“They do call her the Collector,” Dana said. “That title doesn’t really account for taste.”

“Beauty is something something of the beholder.” Ingrid yawned, then winced. “I forgot the saying. I thought we were in a hurry.”

“She’s right. We should find Dana’s shit and go.” Tasia sniffed the air and looked at Dana. 

The zombie nodded, and was almost out the door when a dark figure moved to block her exit. Wrapped head to toe in cloth and stinking of damp earth, the golem grabbed Dana and tried to throw her out.

The zombie yanked the golem into the room, tore its arm off, then slapped it with its own limb so hard that it flew into the nearest shelf. The Hummels fell and shattered on the ground.

The sound of wailing filled the air as the broken figurines released spectral figures which immediately scattered. Ingrid backed into a corner and covered her head as ceramic chunks were hurled in every direction by freshly freed Lietuvēns.

Dana threw a glance at Tasia. The spirits in the room were far more focused on freeing their brethren than they were on attacking the living people in the room.

“Grab Ingrid,” she said as she dragged the golem out of the room by its feet. Once outside, she stomped its head in, then repeated the process on its torso until she felt something crack, and the clay became lifeless.

Tasia came out of the room with Ingrid, the werewolf now covered in tiny cuts. Lily emerged last, pulling the broken door shut with her tail, which simply fell over. 

“Lead the way, bloodhound.” Through the door, they heard a shelf fall over.

The group ignored the other structures. Tasia led them to a building with a loading bay and a normal sized-door next to it. A sign on the door labeled it as Processing.

“This place is weird,” Ingrid said.

“It’s also miles long,” Lily said, gesturing toward the distance. “There’s no reason to believe this structure isn’t magical. In fact…” She tilted her head and spun as if seeking something. “Yeah, this is another pocket universe.”

“Are we trapped here?” Tasia asked as she pushed the door open.

“I sure hope not,” Lily replied. “I think this is where your Collector keeps all her shit.”

“Maybe we…should burn it on the…way out.” Ingrid coughed again, and Dana smelled blood.

“I think you’re bleeding internally,” she said.

“Ah, well, you know how it is.” Ingrid smiled weakly. “I’m only human.”

She won’t die, Jenny added. Her insides are squishy, but the important ones are intact.

“What messed you up so bad?” Lily asked as the group walked into the Processing building.

“Demon found me,” Ingrid replied. “Don’t worry. I sent them packing.”

“Here they are,” Tasia said, pointing at a table. Someone had meticulously labeled both of Dana’s swords, as well as a glass jar containing what was left of the vampyr jerky. In the back of the room, a golem stood and lurched toward them.

Lily and Dana took it down together in seconds, smashing the magical core that animated it. A quick search of the room yielded the rest of their supplies along with a labcoat big enough for Dana to wear, which was clearly designed for someone shorter than she was and only came to mid-thigh. She strapped on the belt that held her swords and tried to smooth out her outfit as best as she could.

“You look like a sexy scientist,” Tasia said with a big smirk on her face. There had only been the one labcoat, and the werewolf at least had pants on. Together, they had a full outfit, but going werewolf would just ruin whatever they put on her.

Dana nodded. “It’s an upgrade from messed up lab specimen.” She took a piece of jerky from the jar and tucked it in the back of her mouth and let out a sigh of relief.

“Should you be eating that right now?” Tasia asked.

Dana gave her girlfriend a hard look. Now wasn’t the time to share that she was on the edge of insanity as it was, her emotions currently stuck in a state of shock from her earlier dismemberment. She hated hitting the heights of intimacy and passion only to immediately sink to the depths of emotional despair at the same time. None of them could understand relief that the cold, predatory logic provided by vampyr flesh was a huge step up for her.

“We can discuss my diet at home,” she replied. “Far away from someone who actively wants to collect my ass and keep it in a jar.”

“Is that what she told you?” Tasia asked in horror.

“Among other things.” Dana shuddered. Next time she got a hit of Mike’s special juice, it would be more of the same. She didn’t look forward to that mental breakdown. The only reason she’d held her shit together so far was the prospect of actually escaping this place.

That, and her dead girl nature had taken over enough to shove those feelings into the pit of her stomach where it could sit next to some spooge and monster jerky.

“Well, let’s go steal that magic painting and get out of here.” Lily helped Ingrid stand and the group walked toward the door. “This place can go fuck itself.”

Upon exiting the Processing building, they heard the shattering of distance glass, followed by a roar.

“What was that?” Ingrid asked. “Are the…lietuvēns breaking more stuff?”

Dana frowned and sniffed the air. “It smells like…meat.”

“Meat?” Tasia sniffed as well. “I don’t smell meat, but I do smell…” The werewolf’s eyes bulged out of her head. “A lot of things,” she declared as distant figures appeared between the structures. There was another crash, and the body of a golem was hurled through the air where it crashed into a building.

“Uh oh.” Lily looked at everybody else. “Do you think each building was like that first one? Packed full of creatures?”

Up ahead, a golem stumbled away from a building with several bright red humanoids clinging to it, their razor sharp teeth tearing it to shreds. Dana drew both her swords as Tasia’s body cracked and expanded, dark fur sprouting all along her body.

“We’ve got company,” Tasia declared. “I’m getting fucking everything.”

“Everything?” Ingrid asked.

The werewolf nodded. “Ghosts. Monsters. Demons. A bunch of stuff. Too many to tell them apart. But definitely smells like trouble.”

Dana couldn’t help but grin. To her, it smelled like a buffet.

---

All you can eat, hopefully on Halloween!

October 2025 Newsletter + Audiobook + Preorder!

Hi, all!

With the bittersweet departure of summer (fuck you, allergies) and the chill, calming onset of autumn (fuck you, leaves!) we step firmly into spooky month season, one of my favorite times of the year.

It's not just the promise of Halloween, candy, or pumpkin spice that calls me. It isn't the fact that school is in session for the entire month, nor is it the Hocus Pocus marathon I participate in with friends.

It's the fact that my bedroom is the exact right temperature for sleeping.

Here we are in the final quarter of 2025, and this year has been a rough one. I know I had several months where I was only dropping a single book, and my days have been entirely wrecked with too much to do. Frankly, I am a juggler who is attempting to perform beyond my means, but there is nobody else who is going to help me play with my balls.
(are we still doing phrasing?)

Honestly, it's not that I've bitten off too much. It's that life doesn't care how busy we are or whether we are trying to broaden our horizons. Me being terminally behind is nothing new, but I've had some wicked IRL developments on the homefront that mean that there's always a small chance that I may have to drop everything to go take care of a family member. With roughly 25 working hours every week (yep, my maximum writing time is only 25 fucking hours), a single setback means I'm trying to squeeze shit in on the nights and weekends.

Thank you for continuing to believe in me even when I feel like I'm dropping the ball 24/7. Thank you for still being here. I've had some long-term patrons leave during the writing of Book 8, so while I've been living in a maelstrom of feelings about my personal life, I've been forced to stare hard at my writing more than once and ask "Am I still good enough?" However, rather than shut everything down like a powerlifter who just shit his pants, I am determined to see things through, no matter what.

Anyway, it's time to share with you some GOOD SHIT. This is the kind of stuff I've been working so hard to make happen.

Book 9: I will be starting on Book 9 in November. Why? Two reasons. One, I need to get Dead and Horny 3 done and off my plate so I can concentrate on Book 9 all by itself. The biggest issue I had with 8 was taking 18 months to write the damned thing. When I put so much of myself into my books, I need to do it faster than I change as a person, if that makes sense. The second reason is to actually sit down and make a small map of where I need the plot to go for Book 9, and potentially the future of the series as a whole.

Audiobooks: For those who missed it, Radley's Island is officially available on Audiobook. I may have mentioned this before, but I've lost track of everything I've shared with people anymore, so it gets dropped in the newsletter.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Audible is having what is likely a one-time deal on my Radley House Omnibus. If you are an active audible member, you can get the book 1-4 audiobook omnibus for just 8. Fucking. Dollars. Keep in mind, we have no control over Audible's pricing. They put the book on sale for the month of October only, which means we've triggered the algorithm and they're testing to see if this book might be "popular." It is unlikely we'll see this price again. Also, the omnibus is 69 hours long. Nice

Preorder Alert! I have a collab with none other than Adam Lance, and we are dropping a huge fucking book on you in November. King of the Fae Isles: A city-building litrpg Fateforged novel takes place in the same universe as Trailer Park Elves. We've got preorder bonuses for certain sales milestones, and I'm gonna drop one right below! Artwork of our very own elemental muscle mommy, Gemma.

I've got a sexy version of this as well as some youtube vids and audiobook outtakes on my Discord server for anyone who wants to follow our attempts to dominate the gooner litrpg reader meta with crunchy numbers, talking snakes, and a cowgirl who says uwu. (Adam and I are known for our misbehavior in the author channels, so this collab was pretty much two idiots saying yes to each other)

Still here? Here is the obligatory reward message.

Rewards: I have sent out the official Patreon rewards. For those who are new, these are freebies you can get from me as you accumulate pledges over time. This process is not automated, so if you think I missed you, comment below. Messaging me triples the time it takes to figure out if I missed you and I might not see it for weeks.

Folks, that's all for me. I need to get a ton of work done, so will do my best to drop by and say hi when I've got more shit to share with you. Have a happy October, and don't eat any shitty candy, you only deserve the best.

Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 136 files

Hi.

My name is Paige. It is my first day at the Library. It is my first time on the internet. It is interesting. I'm not supposed to use the google. I like pushing these buttons and seeing my words appear. It is more fun than writing.

My job is to give you these papers. They are not real. It is a download.

Thank you for reading. Bye-bye.

~Paige

P.S. Aurora here, Paige did a great job! Here are some more tech savvy announcements!
Audiobooks: Radley's Island is out! Listen to it today!

Special sales: All of Annabelle's collabs with Virgil Knightley and M.E. Thorne will be a dollar apiece, starting Oct 1st and running through the 6th.

Autographed stuff: We still have stock and will be ordering more once D&H 2 paperback and hardcover art is finished. Get your at WetLeafPress.com

Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 136

Hi, all!

Hot fucking damn, w