Fucking Day: HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME!

I recently reviewed the bestselling book HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME… and have her beg for more! It Really Works! The First and Only Book That Tells You Exactly How and no one will ever believe me when I say it contained only one tip for satisfying women. If you're curious, it was to not quite put your penis inside them for a while. Well, I have some good news: in 1999, its brilliant author, Naura Hayden, wrote a followup book about how to satisfy men. She called it The Secret Mystery of Tugging on Dicks As Often As Your Schedule Permits: A Two Page Pamphlet. Oh, what fun we have. No, she of course called it:

Not only did Naura keep twenty two of the same words in the title, she used the same author photo on the back, once again going with the one where she's being surprised from her bad side on a humid day.

You might remember the generous, unusually thorough biography Naura included in her last book. It had her height, weight, and every county fair where she'd ever judged a pig, along with extensive information about her vitamin regimen and pets. This shrine to her own desperate ego is back, and even more revealing because now we can see she fucking tinkers with it.

Most psychologists would tell you not to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder at a distance, but when someone rewrites their 350-word bio for a book mostly about their other book and they call themselves "beautiful" and "impressive" in it, that person medically eats their own farts with a straw.

Let's go over some of the big changes. Naura's new bio still mentions her book, fucking ugh, Isle of View (Say it Out Loud) but doesn't mention suing its publisher for $3.25 million for not promoting it enough*. And she still talks about giving her vitamin drinks to prisoners to fix their crime brains but doesn't mention suing its distributor for failing to check if her ingredients went immediately rancid. She recorded an album saluting singing, but she doesn't list the two pilots she taped anymore, so it must have been a hard pass from the networks. Other updates: she no longer lists her weight, and both her dogs died. Also, she got a second turtle and most of a pigeon. I think I'm making it sound less upbeat than she intended.

* When Naura sued her own energy shake, the first line under "Facts" in the case supplement calls her "attractive and compelling." So I guess when she called herself impressive and beautiful, that was totally legal. It also means that if I were to say her headshot looks like someone got a C- in beginner face charcoal class, her estate could sue me for libel.

I already knew Naura only likes to fuck one way and can't imagine a world outside herself, so I went into this book sure her sex tips are going to be "tease his dick" and "a list of retailers where my vitamin drinks are available." I was right. I was more right than Naura's one-winged pigeon. This woman ran out of wisdom six books ago and only gets two paragraphs into her book on satisfying men before she shrugs and suggests penis.

The clever among you already spotted the problem with Naura's thought process. She establishes women, including herself, will never understand the dangers of boring sex. Then she "explains" the dangers of boring sex. Infidelity. Insanity. Suicide. Take it from her, a woman who doesn't get it. Let's see if she can explain it in a better way. See, blowjobs are like insulin...

After only 14 pages, Naura has figured out how to satisfy a man, and it's a joke Tim Allen would call "a little obvious" in a script meeting for Marriage University 3. Some variation of "lots of blowjobs" is the first thing anyone would say if you showed them this book's cover, and Naura is spending several pages and multiple analogies trying to explain it in terms her readers can understand. It's like, you know how sick people need medicine! Perfect! Okay, oral sex is like that. It seems like you're still not getting it. Have you ever been really hungry? That's because you needed food, which is a type of pizza. Now picture that, but with your husband's dick.

Now that the problem is solved, Naura is free to kind of muse. She spends a few dozen pages exploring the differences between men and women, but mostly talking about her other book, HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME... and have her beg for more! There is nothing more fascinating to Naura Hayden than the publicity tour for her book about delaying penetration, a technique she literally calls "hers." She honestly thinks she invented NOT-JUST-SMASHING-INTO-HER-WITH-YOUR-COCK.

When you let a person with this little to say talk for too long, it never goes well. While Naura is explaining again how men need constant oral sex to stave off coal gas suicide, she starts arguing with any "feminist" readers who might be mouthing off about blowjob slavery. Get over it, "ladies." A wet cock raises all ships.

The anti-feminism section lasts longer than it probably should have or needed to, but this is a book for satisfying undersexed men, and hating women is a big part of that. From what I can tell, Naura thinks the defining characteristic of feminism is hatred of fucking. Which makes her, the inventor of slowly coaxing out a female orgasm, their greatest enemy.

This story is maybe partly true. Naura is more of an ignorant, delusional egomaniac rather than an outright liar. She probably wouldn't completely fabricate protests of her book, but I doubt it had as much to do with word choice as she's implying here. There are a lot of good reasons to not read, sell, or distribute HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME ... and have her beg for more!, and sure, one of them is the word "begging." Mainly it was a commercial for rancid snake oil from a dingbat who knows less about sex than a 7th grader who heard some stuff from an 8th grader.

Anyway, let's see where else Naura's thoughts take her.

She writes like the dumbest character in Marriage University 3 stalling for time so Tim Allen can get the medical cadaver out of the dean's office. You can love your sister, but not, you know BE IN love with your sister. Unless incest... whoooo boy, you know, Webster's defines love as as as NO DON'T GO IN THERE I CAN EXPLAIN TUNACAN LEFT OUR COCAINE IN ONE OF THE BODIES AND WE HAD TO STASH IT IN YOUR... your perfectly ordinary office with nothing out of place! Wheeew! (Tim Allen got the body out just in time.)

This type of blathering goes on for a bit, and then on page 50 she's run out of things to say so hard she starts listing celebrity couples who never got divorced. Powerhouses of the famously sexually satisfied like Bess and Harry Truman. Betsy and Walter Cronkite. The all-time oral sex champs, Alma and Colin Powell.

She explains their marital success with commonly known, surface level trivia about the famous couples. For instance, Harry Truman called his wife "The Boss." It's a cute factoid two entire cities of human souls in Japan would call "The most defining characteristic of one of history's greatest lovers."

Speaking of, she had some notes on the marriage of one of our other greatest presidents.

Naura has a big question for Marla Maples: how hard would it be to simply change everything about yourself to give Donald Trump whatever he wants? Normally it would be impossible to prove if a hypothetical idea like this was good or bad, but as luck would have it, I live in a country where we tried this! Some of our keenest, most scientific minds really did debase themselves to give this exact person Naura mentions in her book everything he wanted. And it went great. I hope you all see now that Naura's brilliant ideas work.

No one would conceivably think this is true, but on page 58 of her book about satisfying men, Naura finally gives her first functional erotic tip. I promise I'm not lying. In the middle of a meandering rant about how sex is, like, totally a game, she suggests teasing his cock for a few minutes. Aside from "blowjobs more often," it's the only practical advice she has offered, and it's exactly the same as the only practical advice she offered in her last book. I know I keep saying this, but you have to understand how frustrating it is that I saw this happen, offered all the proof I could, and no one will ever believe me.

Oh no, what is this shit:

In her campaign to destroy the meaning of all words, Naura suggests your sexual servitude to your Christian husband is actually quite a power move because when he falls in love with you, it's the same as submitting to a sexual master, which is you, the very religious blowjob slave. I think we're ready to move on to the vitamin section.

The major improvement Naura made in her gender-swapped sex manual reboot was in the health and nutrition chapters. The first book was dozens of pages of vitamin spreadsheets and plugs for her Dynamite Energy Shake available at all penitentiaries and haunted asylums. In this one, she jumps right in with some deep medical cuts like "the external male sex organs are the penis and the testicles" and her personal research on the percentage of penises that are "usuable."

You're probably wondering what she meant by "unusable penis." It's kind of a long story and this right now is the most delicate time in your male anatomy education. But okay, let's look at it. Here is the story of the only unusable penis Naura ever met, in its entirety:

You thought it was going to be something stupid and implausible, but she met the guy whose dick was too big to fuck! She impotently grasped at it! She still checks in on this sad piece of shit and he has still only done hand stuff! No one can even fit it in their mouth! So, haha, the thing I said earlier about Naura not completely fabricating stories was wrong. This is a made up story and I can prove it:

Since this is a book for men, Naura dedicates most of the health section to preventative prostate care. I mean, you're not going to sit down to write a book on how to fuck men and leave out "make sure they don't die from prostate cancer." That being said, Naura can't help herself. In the very paragraph about how she's not going to plug her vitamin shakes anymore, she plugs her vitamin shakes. And on the page after she says she's going to shut the fuck up about vitamins, she lists the exact quantity of vitamin C she ingests. Spoiler: it's beyond what the human body can absorb by several magnitudes.

Anyway, to sum up the next fifty or so pages, the woman selling snake oil was immune to sickness and so could you! Let's skip ahead to page 119 when she starts dropping more sex knowledge.

We now know Naura's four rules of the penis: pay attention to it, suck it whether you want to or not, tease it, and try not to rip that thing off. There are only twelve pages left in this book, and Naura is done fucking around. It is all sloppy, hardcore action from here...

.. which means, wait, stop touching. It's time to tease, and then we'll move onto some teasing. What's this part of your body? The knee? Oh, daddy, I hope it likes getting...

...

...

...

... teased.

It's time to move on to his balls and mmmm, that's right. Fucking "tease them all over." He's ready. Take your slightly moistened fingertips and run them along the rest of his genitals. Tease the whole thing. Time for the main event: all of this again, but with your mouth. Okay, now he's begging for...

... you to stop. He needs you... he's desperate for you to... stop and gently touch his...

...

...

gasp

... arm.

Do not let him touch you.

The best part about this three page manual for the most pedestrian lovemaking technique she invented for the second time is how she ends it with, "Actually, you know what might work? Maybe you've heard the term 'handjob.' I came up with the idea in 1973 on the set of Bonanza when I was dealing with both a toothache and Michael Landon."

I love Naura so much. Three pages of grueling, delicate ball stroking and she ends it all with "Something that is very sexy to your husband is for you to masturbate him with your hand!" It's such a drastic tone change it's almost suspicious. I can't prove this happened, but it's like something Clippy would say to you if you were struggling to get a dick off in Microsoft Word.

Let's get back to what we were doing. Teasing that penis.

So now that you know how to tease a man with your hand and mouth using teasing and teasing, let's move on to your other hole. You want to focus on woman-on-top because it's all the same to your husband, but unless you use Naura's "new technique" from her previous book, "teasing," you're not going to have an orgasm during man-on-top. I can't express to you how happy I am that the word choices I would have made to sound as sarcastically square as possible are exactly the ones Naura used even after 30 consecutive paragraphs of graphic dick sucking.

Without sarcasm, what happens next in the book is legitimately shocking. Naura comes up with an entirely second way to fuck. In the very last three pages, she starts breathlessly typing about sexual role playing and all the fantasy scenarios you can try with your devout Christian husband. With very much sarcasm, they're fucking great.

Naura, with full creative freedom to, in her own words, write any sexual scenario she wants, came up with three examples. A little kid, a little kid, and a little kid. And while Naura was born in 1930, this book was not written in an age when people said things like "you can really get this little kid horny for you." In 2001, people could pick up new copies of this in the airport bookstore while they waited to hear why their flight was delayed.

You don't have to get really gross with your role playing. You could do nothing. Or even less than nothing. In a repeat tip from her last book Naura says that if you like being spanked, picture your husband as the kind of guy who might spank you. For an aging penis tugging machine silently making do in a loveless marriage, this should be second nature.

This surprised me, but the key to seducing a man is to honestly, in your heart, think of yourself as the kind of person who could have sex with a little boy.

After 131 pages of anti-feminism, half-remembered history, overwhelmingly debunked science, sermons against penetration, and a troubling chapter involving sex with children, Naura ends her book by lamenting how churches don't comprehend or teach these things. Which means I'm going to end this article with the same kind of obvious joke I started with: If you're worried churches don't do these things, I have good news for you, Naura!

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