Learning Day: Exo-Vaticana, Part 3

Jehovah's Witnesses? More life UFOVAHS WITNESSES. Welcome to Exo-Vaticana Part 3: The Crazy Stuff Has Landed. If you haven't read parts one and two of my exploratory series based on Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus, Project L.U.C.I.F.E.R., and the Vatican's Astonishing Plan for the Arrival of an Alien Savior, that's probably fine. All you need to know is aliens are actually demons, and the Catholic church is aware of that and is preparing humanity to be fooled into ignoring the rapture by a fake mass abduction scenario. I'm on part three of this six hundred-page book, and it's finally getting weird. It’s been so normal until now!

Most of the first two parts of this book were like an episode of 700 Club where even Pat Robertson isn't certain he's still alive, but now we're really getting into the aliens! Ok, so you know how God got mad at Adam for eating the apple of knowledge because God loves a himbo? After God and Adam broke up, humanity lost a lot of knowledge about God but gained a lot of knowledge about how we were naked little weirdos.

So, since all of our details around God were kind of fuzzy, demons decided the best way to fuck with humanity would be to show up on earth in their dimension traveling Hell spaceships and be like, remember God? That's me! I'm God. Everyone probably thought that seemed a little sus but who's going to argue with a lizard in a cool hat? Here is apparently what the demons looked like as Exo-Vaticana provides this Sumerian deity with reptilian features as proof for their theory that demons were "distorting and counterfeiting the Original Revelation with pagan ideas and, 'gods.'"

The best thing about chapter 12 is a brief mention of the dramatic feud between two UFOlogists named Zecharia Sitchin and Mike Heiser. Sitchin believed that humanity was created as a slave race for aliens called the Anunnaki. Heiser disagrees with this idea so strongly he created the website Sitchiniswrong.com. That was the harshest of burns in 2001 when he made the site. The internet was fairly young, there weren't a ton of websites out there, and one was entirely dedicated to smack-talking Sitchin. Probably 3% of the internet at the time was about how Sitchin can suck it.

Heiser asserts on the site several times that he is willing to debate Sitchin, but that would probably be pretty hard these days since Sitchin died in 2010. These guys hated each other so much that someone is still paying hosting fees to keep the site going over a decade after Sitchin's death. That's hardcore. I honestly strive to hate someone with such single-minded dedication someday. Maybe I’ll start a feud with an Instagram dog?

Anyway, chapter 13 blows. It's seriously just about other dimensions and once again how aliens are actually demons from another dimension which is the only idea about aliens that is "congruent with a biblical worldview." Here's a graph that lays it all out pretty plainly. As you can see, gravity plus swirls equals parallel dimensions.

Toward the end of the chapter, we get a breakdown of some UFO reports. The most fun of these is one from 2012, in Denver, Colorado. The UFO was not visible to the naked eye but was captured on video, and that video was shown on a FOX news affiliate station, so that pretty much 100% legitimizes it. As we all know, if FOX news says it's true, it's without question true. Hang on, let me pause real quick to take my ANTI-COVID horse medicine.

The cameraman who caught this UFO on video said he'd seen the same UFO between noon and one in the afternoon in the same area for several months! Analysis of the area where the UFO was taking off from revealed something pretty interesting:

That's right, these Jehovahs are witnessing little green men coming from their pancake breakfasts fundraisers to terrorize Denver. You thought the most annoying thing a Jehovah's Witness could do is give you a pamphlet about the many ways in which you are going to Hell, but here they are releasing alien demons into your neighborhood. Super cool of this book to print their entire address and show their location on Google Maps after accusing them of either creating, harboring, or being demon aliens, by the way! I'm sure no one who purchased it reacted poorly to that idea.

Chapter 14, "Fatima: Harbinger of the Great Deception," is about a genuinely cool unexplained mystery known as the miracle of the sun in the catholic church. I liked it so much that I did a little bit of research outside of the book to see how much of what's in Exo-Vaticana crosses over with reality. It's the story of three kids in Italy who claimed the virgin mary appeared to them and said she would perform a miracle. This was in 1917 in Fatima, Portugal, so not much else was going on, and a crowd of around thirty thousand people showed up to watch these little kids be proven liars in real time.

Unfortunately for the child haters, something happened. Scientists have described it as a mass delusion or the effects of staring at the sun for too long. People in the crowd have varied accounts of what they saw, with most agreeing that the sun danced in the sky and some saying it appeared to be falling. It had been raining shortly before the clouds parted and the sun appeared, and some people claimed their clothes were miraculously dried. I’m not sure it can be considered a miracle if it's normal sun behavior and also a laundromat can do it, but sure.

Two of the three children who claimed to see Mary died the next year in the 1918 flu outbreak. The third child joined a super nunnery at 14 that didn't believe in any non-spiritual conversation with the outside world. This miracle is a big, big deal in the Catholic church. The two children that died in 1918 were canonized in 2017, meaning they are pope-certified one hundred percent fresh.

According to Exo-Vaticana, Mary appeared to the children because kids are too dumb to know the difference between a demon and the Virgin Mary, and the dancing sun was a UFO. I'm just now realizing it's weird that demons have to travel in a UFO. With all of the other things they can do, you would think they wouldn't need a special little car for interdimensional travel. They can end the world, but they can't fuck with some dumb kids unless they have their special car? Lame. Learn how to portal, Gaagna'lmp'dck.

Horn and Putnam also turn over part of this chapter to L.A. Marzulli, the writer of the "best-selling" Nephilim Trilogy. Fun fact: "best-selling" is such a non-specific term anyone can say it with no actual numbers to back it up, and it sounds really good but means nothing. I mention that for no reason. Marzulli primarily uses his time in Exo-Vaticana to post a very long excerpt from his book The Revealing, where an aged Nazi referred to as "the Hag" tells a defrocked priest named Fitzpatrick about what actually happened in Fatima.

Yes, this non-fiction book pauses to tell you a fictional story about a Nazi and a former priest/ some kind of spy? It reads like the writer got paid an extra dollar every time he said Fitzpatrick by the society for stereotypical Irish names. The people writing this book got so bored of it they hired someone else to do their job for a little bit.

They also filled the next chapter with interviews from pretty typical UFO guys telling the same stories they tell at UFO conventions. You know, like Colonel Jesse Marcel Jr., who is basically the Beyonce of ufology, Dr. Bruce Maccabee, the Solange of ufology, and Nick Pope, the Beyonce's dog of ufology-- they're all here!

As is tradition for this book, all of the good stuff comes in the final chapter of this part, and this truly is an explosive finale. It is such bullshit. It feels like someone started telling a small lie and then couldn't stop adding to it and adding to it until they were like, "Oh shit, it's too much, no one will believe this! Maybe if I surround it with like five hundred and fifty pages of other stuff, they won't notice? Ahh, why is some of this stuff Irish James Bond, oh shit, oh fuck, oh no."

The story that Thomas Horn has wanted to tell the entire book starts with his dad. When Thomas was "not yet a teenager," his dad came back from a hunting trip in the Apache-Sitgreaves forest saying he'd found these weird, big holes in the woods. The sides of the holes were "slick, not like they would have been if explosives had been used to create them." They were so unusual that several deer had fallen into them trying to get water and died. That part checks out because deer are idiots.

This is the single picture offered up as proof of this story, making the story more suspicious. Why is a man hunting in the snow lugging along a big 1960s black and white film camera with him? Was this taken later on a trip specifically to take pictures of the holes? If so, why is this crappy picture the only one? I'm sorry I've made the mistake of asking a question about the most believable part of this story.

Thomas's dad supposedly reported the holes to the police department where he worked and led a representative from the army corp of engineers to inspect them. The army's only concern about it was that the holes posed a danger to all of the dumbass deer drowning in them, so they "dynamited the pools so they would fill with rocks and protect the wildlife." Apparently, aliens love drowning deer because that seemed to piss them right off.

Shortly after the holes were filled in, Tom's younger sister Vida started waking up in bed to find herself surrounded by "Small, bulbous-headed grey men." Most of the details of what Vida experienced are "sealed for the time being due to a binding agreement and settlement between her, state authorities, and federal investigators." Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to use, "sorry, I signed a binding agreement with state and federal investigators that says I can't talk about it," the next time my husband asks if there's any Nutella left.

So, Vida grows up, and she has a bunch of emotional problems. It's implied she's maybe an alcoholic, but details are withheld to protect her privacy. Sure, the book talks about how she was menstruating at thirteen, which is probably why the demons were attracted to her, but by all means, protect that privacy!

Despite her issues, Vida lands herself a man, and not just any man, a nuclear physicist! He's given the pseudonym Joey Luciano. Joey is recruited into a top-secret government project, and one night, Vida drunkenly confesses to him that she's seen aliens. He's drunk too, and he's just like, "Oh yeah, aliens are real. That's what I do at work: alien research stuff. Anyhoodly, I'll take another alcohol, please; also, have I told you how cool your brother Tom is? I saw him do a frontside ollie 360 on a skateboard the other day."

Shortly after their conversation, "Joey" "died" in an "accident" "at work." His secret government work called Vida up one morning and said, "Hello Vida Horn, it's me, the government. Your husband is dead. No, you can't see the body. Also, congratulations on your brother Tom winning the Most Handsome Man On Earth Award; goodbye."

At this point, you're probably thinking, surely this story must be over. Hahaha, you fool, we haven't even gotten to Steven Spielberg yet. Vida and fake Joey had a daughter named Lavida together. One day Vida and Lavida went for a nice country drive, and both got abducted by aliens.

Aliens hate this family so much! “If only my father had left all of those big holes alone” Vida must have said to herself over and over again. “Why did he have to love alien holes so much!”

Jump forward in time several years, and Lavida is visiting the space needle with her husband, and who does she run into but one Mr. Steven Spielberg in an incident that can only be described as a promotional event for the 2002 Sci-Fi Channel miniseries Taken gone horribly awry.

The "high-tech amulet" turned out to be a "computer CD" which Lavida mailed to Tom who, "plugged it into his computer" where it "auto-launched to a hidden web page" with information about alien abductions and "The Taken Experience," which Lavida doesn't understand is an event she attended. It also contained a web page that said, "Steven Spielberg is proud to announce that Tom Horn can dunk a basketball." That was the only text, so weird.

What a delicious lasagna of lies Thomas has created. He could have stopped at any point along that journey and been fine, but no, he couldn't help himself. The story can't just have alien holes. It needs a government scientist who mysteriously disappears. One alien abduction, nah, we need at least two to be astonishing, and let's throw in an A-list celebrity while we're at it. It's layer after layer of cheesy goodness; the man could write an episode of Riverdale.

Tom helped Vida and Lavida get rid of the aliens by praying hard and living a good Christian life. You would think this difficult journey he went on with his sister, which prompted Thomas's interest in UFOs would come up more often in his work, but it seems like he pretty much dropped it forever after this book.

I'll get more into what he's doing today in the final installment of Exo-Vaticana, but the stuff he's into now doesn't mention Vida or Lavida at all. It's cool God is speaking to him directly, which is a much more lucrative lie. More information on that coming at you next week on the final installment of Lydia Bugg Presents Exo-Vaticana: The Tale Of Why Did You Let Me Do This Seanbaby and Brockway Next Time Just Say No.