Fucking Day: Horny eBay Ghost Hunting

On a scale of one to ten, how haunted would you like your house to be? Do you have a paltry single ghost wandering your grounds at night with a lantern searching for her lover who died in the war? Do you look at your neighbors' home, filled to the brim with spirits like the goddamn Overlook Hotel, and think, if only that were me?

Well, guess what, my friend? I've got great news for you: eBay! Sells! Ghosts! And those ghosts are horny.

Yes, there is an entire eBay subculture specifically for selling ghosts to people, often (but not always) for sexual purposes. For just $51.99 after shipping, you can own a RARE MALE Incubus djinn. But hurry, there are only 2 available! Now, I know what you're thinking. Fifty dollars is a great deal for a RARE male incubus djinn! But what makes this djinn so rare? You see, eBay is crawling with incubi, which is the plural noun for incubus, which I had to Google because there are so many incubi on eBay.

If you told me one single person was trying to sell an incubus on eBay to people so horny they want to purchase a mythical being whose whole deal is that he fucks things literally to death, that would make perfect sense to me. You can find one person whose fetish is anything. There's someone whose fetish is old men eating spaghetti on the toilet. So, I guess one person trying to sell an Incubus makes total sense, but it's not just one person. It's an entire section of eBay.

The reason the advertised male incubus is rare, according to the seller, is that it's a violet djinn, which were "discovered on an astral location our high Priestess Has been allowed access to after over 13 years of trying! She is the only caster known to work with Violet Flame Djinn and they are a copy write of our coven." The description continues. "If you see them anywhere else, it is fraud!"

The idea of copyrighting a ghost is amazing. I would love to see someone go before a judge to argue only they can summon this specific ghost demon thing, your honor. "What am I summoning it for, you ask? Oh, to sell it for sex. I'm a metaphysical pimp."

There are so many peddlers of monster sex on eBay that now everyone has to have an angle. I remember when offering up a sex demon on eBay was the angle. It's a demon that will fuck you! It shouldn't need a hook! And yet...

For instance, seller alexjimmyliam, who has 100% positive feedback, sells a more farm-to-table sex ghost experience. "Unlike other sellers, I do not conjure these beings before purchase. This is because I present you while invoking a Goddess and an incubus that is drawn to you and chooses you."

That listing also includes a long rant against most other eBay sellers who do not understand Incubi and are doing everything wrong with their summoning. It then, in the middle of a wall of text that might be longer than this article, informs you that after you have purchased the Win a Date With a Sex Monster packet, you will need to mail the seller either your blood, semen, or vaginal fluid after orgasm. Yes! And if you don't mail your semen to the ghost pimp, you are doing it wrong.

Don't think that being a sex ghost is only for men though. There are plenty of lady sex ghosts for sale, and their descriptions are usually even more colorful.

The Paranormal Extreme Lillith & Aphrodite Powers Spirit Djinn bracelet comes with not one but two female spirits attached. "One succubus has shoulder-length straight baby blue hair, glowing metallic silver eyes, and a voluptuous body, on the petite side, with pale freckled skin. Her companion, as long dark hair that falls in black waves halfway down her back, with glowing green eyes are mocha skin." To directly quote, typos and all.

The description ends with an unbulleted bullet list of what I'm assuming are qualities that the bracelet will also attract to your life. It says, "These will enhance your Own sensuality. Be Charming. Wisdom. Business Opportunity. Courage. Increase money wallet." I should also mention it's formatted like a poem? Here, I'll just show it to you:

That is so much to offer for a starting bid of ninety-nine cents! If you get only one dollar worth of Courage out of it, you've already made a one penny profit. Anyway, if you like Lilith & Aphrodite, you'll probably also enjoy only Lilith, but this time she's a succubus vampire hybrid.

Now, this sigil is from the same seller who "copy writed" violet flame djinn. It doesn't mention if they have copyrighted succubus vampire hybrids yet, the fools, so now I'm going to do it, hahaha. I'll make millions every time someone fucks a succubus vampire hybrid. I'll be the Elon Musk of invisible poontang.

The description does mention the same story about their high priestess, this time giving her the name "Luna Lynessa", having access to a specialty astral location to summon succubus-vampire hybrids. It also includes a section under PLEASE READ ENTIRE LISTING that talks a little more about Luna who is a psychic vampire herself.

"She has and has psy vampire blood and necromancer blood from ancestors with psychic vampires ties as well. This does not mean we go out and suck people's blood (lol) we are very gifted in energy work and speaking with the dead as well as dark arts."

Have you ever seen a more confusing and threatening (lol) than the one in the middle of that sentence?

"We don't go out and suck people's blood, lol."

"Does that mean you do suck people's blood? Because that's what it sounds like it means?"

"No, no, you're misunderstanding. I said we don't go out and suck people's blood…"

"Oh, ok…"

"Lol."

If you don't want to summon an incubus, succubus, or even a succubus-vampire hybrid for some absolutely unfathomable reason, they are not the only summoned creatures you can find. Is your life getting too predictable? Sounds like it's time to buy a male chaos dragon spirit.

What does the chaos dragon do for you? Well, "Chaos dragons are not evil or malicious, they work with us, and their magick is often incomprehensible to us, and they go beyond our limited view of happenings. Because of this, their acts may seem cruel, but they are working for our greater good. These dragons are pure representations of chaos, and we are to call on them when we realize that not every problem or situation can be resolved with order and reasoning."

So, the chaos dragon fucks up your life, and it won't even have sex with you. That's why it's only worth a dollar, and I would heavily bet the people bidding on it only want a cute elephant ring, not a pure representation of chaos.

That's the thing about all of these objects. Someone would probably buy that ring for a dollar as just a cute ring, but if you attach the idea that there's a mystical fuck demon to it, that might get the bidding up to one hundred dollars. There's a hot market for fuck demons right now because of the pandemic.

It's easy to tell these items are fake. I'm sorry if I just crushed your Lillith-related dreams by saying that, but it's sadly true. Thirty people have already purchased this notebook that supposedly has a star fae attached which will grant all of your wishes.

Imagine if thirty random people suddenly became the most powerful people on earth because they decided to buy a fairy off eBay. There would be some random, talentless dude who has billions of dollars, and he's married to a famous singer even though he's kind of schlubby, and oh God, that's Elon Musk. Elon has a magic eBay fairy. Everything in here is real!

Well looks like I'm off to purchase a magic Bridge Troll VERY TALL best friend forever Will give piggy back rides loves watching TV with you and not making fun of your shows.

There is only one thing about the idea of all of this being real that bothers me. Yup, only one thing, and that's a footnote on this haunted mountain fairy ring which says:

Um, I'm sorry, do the spirits sometimes betray you? I'm planning to fill my house with spirits, not for sex purposes necessarily, but someone has to do the dishes, and it sure as hell isn't going to be me. Why not ask an Incubus with too much time on his enormous claw hands?

None of these other items include that critical guarantee of non-spirit betrayal. So, I guess, wow, I can't believe I'm saying this, but filling your house with ghosts might be a bad idea? No matter how DTF they are.

You should follow her on Twitter! Maybe some of her many ghosts will follow you back.