Fucking Day: Sex Magick for the Solitary Practitioner

Once long ago, I thought I learned about the saddest book of all time. It was called Microwave Cooking For One, and I couldn't think of a sadder thing than that until I discovered:

I don't know what a normal hobby is, so sometimes I like to purchase and read magic spell books on Kindle. If you have Kindle Unlimited, you've probably got access to hundreds of magical spells for ten dollars a month. Kindle, your number one spot for occult magick! This is an ad. They paid for this and specifically said, please really hit the occult part. We here at Kindle want to be associated with that.

The people writing these Amazon-approved spells are genius con artists. They're super short documents, sometimes as little as ten pages, and go for anywhere from three to ten dollars outside of Kindle Unlimited. So even if you only sell two copies, that's nine to twenty dollars an hour. And that's not bad-- those are Target part-time seasonal employee numbers.

To become a Kindle spell writer, all you have to do is add Mystic, Mage, or Magical to your name and write a bio that says you've been a "professional practicing witch for decades," because who's going to verify that shit? Dumbledore? He can't because he's dead. Oh no, spoilers for Harry Potter guys.

These spells are often rated super high. Candle Magic for Beginners has a five-star rating with 700 reviews. This will never cease to blow my mind. Seven hundred people bought this book about magic candles and somehow got exactly what they were expecting? That seems impossible! I can't even get candles to perform the magic of making my house smell less like a dog, and that's all I want from them!

Sex Magick for the Solitary Practitioner has a solid 18 reviews that are mostly positive, with my favorite being:

It came in! Just by showing up, the book has done its job in this customer's opinion. That's how insatiable people's thirst for magic spells is, even if the spells are kind of wrapped around the idea you're going to die alone. If you can't convince someone to have sex with you even when the sex will literally create magick, that certainly doesn't speak very well for your romantic potential overall, right?

You might think Charles Mage, the writer of Sex Magick For The Solitary Practitioner, would be at least mildly embarrassed to be the author of a book about no one wanting your magic dick, but he's not! He printed his name in the intro four times, lest you forget his involvement. He also includes a legal disclaimer in case you hurt your genitals by doing too much solo sex magic to them, which is something I'm sure ER doctors have some stories about.

After making sure you've read his name four times and know you can't sue him for anything that might happen to your genitals on this harrowing masturbatory journey you're about to embark on, Charles Mage then reveals to you this isn't his only book. He is the Stephen King of sex dorks, having written forty seven other books, including Dowsing The Casino: Make Money Dowsing, Life Lessons From A Butterfly, and Fun Things To Do With Your Energy Ball, for when you have successfully created an otherworldly ball of energy, and now you're like, well fuck... this is boring.

The book opens with Charles telling us that, for years, people have been searching for a handy (hee hee I see what you're doing there, Charles) manual that offers clear instructions on solitary sex magic. He says, "Although done in solitary, it should be noted that the techniques in this book can pace away to a great and immeasurable divine power that you can harness for whatever purpose you need."

Seeking a great and immeasurable divine power is the coolest slang for jerkin' it I've ever heard. If there's one thing I appreciate about this book, it's that it makes masturbating sound like a Jules Verne adventure story. Journey To The Center Of My Balls, if you will. Around the World in 80 Anal Beads, maybe.

Charles starts by explaining that it's actually really cool to do sex magic by yourself, like all of the cool kids are doing it, and it's way cooler than sex magic with a partner.

So actually, if you have sex with another person, you're kind of doing it wrong. The downside of sex magic with a partner is it merges your "soul and energy" with that person, which means you risk merging with someone who has a corrupt and immoral soul. Charles Mage, grifter author and masturbation sorcerer, strongly advises avoiding people with "dirty souls."

Right off the bat, this is starting to sound a lot like the mystical version of a central Illinois sex education class. It's definitely the most anti-sex occult sex magic novel I've ever read.

Now that we've established that having sex with other people is bad, let's see what else this book thinks is bad! Ah yes, ejaculation.

No, Billy, ejaculation is for LOSERS. You are only allowed to have ghost orgasms. Oh, please allow Charles Mage to explain:

The scheduled Journey To The Center Of Your Balls has been canceled. It's ok, though; because you can have multiple orgasms without ejaculating. How, you ask? It has something to do with energy? The book is firm on that. Like most books on magic, this book is very big on energy. Now what that means is... it's something. Let's let Charles try to explain.

Get it? All is energy, if you look at, inside of the, because we all, and then that's what how we go to the energy. Right? Then when you orgasm, just do that thing with the energy? Cool.

It's so fucking boss that Charles Mage started to write this book, and then after basically the intro, peaces the fuck out of it. He explains what sex magic is and that you shouldn't ejaculate from it and then leaves "the universe" to teach you the rest, which is the most mystical way to do nothing. Imagine if a magician took the stage, put a lady in a box, pulled out a saw, and then left. "The universe will complete the trick for me everyone goodnight POOF. No refunds POOF."

That's not the actual end of the book. It's only where Charles stopped pretending to give a fuck. He goes on to give some tips and advice, but they are things like...

He knows what he's doing here-- totally referring to a three-man orgy where one has had a terrible accident. Which is a weird wink to give in a book about how sex is bad, and if you're going to do it, please don't ejaculate, ew.

Then, in case, for whatever reason, you decide to use your newly discovered masturbatory powers for evil, he caps off the spellbook with a warning.

This magic spell sucks. It should at least pretend to give you some words to chant or something, right? The most you get out of this book is a recipe for making an energy ball in the section after they explain what energy is, and even those instructions only amount to "wave your hands around, pretend to have an energy ball, and great! Now you do!" How am I supposed to have fun with that!? Some weird, boring energy ball?

Ugh, fine, I see the long con Charles Mage is playing here. I'll buy your Fun Things to Do with Your Energy Ball book, Charles! Who would have thought I'd be bested by the horniest, least ejaculated sex wizard on Earth.

You can follow Lydia on twitter for more advice on where to find horny sex wizards.