Upsetting Day: 101 Things to Make Her Wet

Mario Corelli's 101 THINGS TO MAKE HER WET is a very special book. The author obviously has no expertise in the subject, but that's pretty normal for a seduction book. He also fundamentally misunderstands women and their roles in human relationships. Again, this is totally ordinary for this type of pussy dominating literature. What makes Mario Corelli unique is that he's also barely literate in the wrong language and seems to have Googled "how sex hole work?" moments before this manuscript was due. I absolutely cannot wait to show you 101 THINGS TO MAKE HER WET (Make your woman scream in bed, your relationship will get new colors. Simple tips and techniques).

In his Amazon author bio and on the back of this book on lady wetness, Mario says "we should never regret what we do in life, just what we do not not." And he was not not going to look back on his life and think "I should have independently published six books of incoherent brainstorming notes." The point is, Mario doesn't doesn't regret this, this masterpiece of horny, desperate failure.

This is the very first tip Mario offers. To get your woman wet, he suggests telling her to make you breakfast while you sleep and then use honey as a sex lubricant. Then, instead of telling us what we're supposed to do with the cranky woman we glued to ourselves, he leaves the bottom 70% of the page blank. No one has ever revealed their total incompetence this quickly. This is like a plumber answering the phone with, "Mark's Plumbin', my family drowned in diarrhea and it was my fault, what can I do for ya?"

Tear off her underpants and do something not quite clear to her butt. I hope you're ready, because the whole book is like this.

Take it from Mario Corelli, someone who is pretty sure he'll be good at it when he finally kisses a girl-- when women are alone at night, they love sudden, unannounced nude men.

There are a lot of right answers when throwing together a makeshift blindfold, but only one wrong one. Never use a newspaper! We'll know if you do. An obstetrician will take one look at your sonogram and say, "You son of a bitch. This a minotaur fetus. Did you fuck this woman in a newspaper blindfold? Do you see what happens when you impregnate something with Heathcliff comics tied to its eyes?"

I'm a little confused, but I think I get the idea. I ask her to give me a platonic oil bath and then polish me with spoiled milk? If this was anyone other than Mario Corelli, wet lady expert, I'd swear they had sex mixed up with ancient Egyptians giving their cat a flea treatment.

I'm honestly not sure what he means here. This seems like something Gary Busey would do to compliment a Chinese waiter.

And you're saying she'll like it if I suck on my palm while I break my thumb? Because this seems like something Gary Busey would do to convince a website he's not a robot.

Women want what they want. Just penetrate her by any means necessary on literally any filthy, hard surface. Forget she's not a cloth.

...

Forget she's not a cloth. Forget she's not a cloth!

Reach under her skirt and touch her breasts by accident? How did Mario's date get her breasts up her skir-- hold on. Did this fucking guy take a cow to the movies? It's not impossible this is a book about inseminating cows.

I don't know what Mario's writing process is, but this sounds word-for-word like the response you'd get if you called your internet router's customer support line and asked where the g-spot was.

I know it's a serious accusation to say this sex author is looking up different erogenous zones in the dictionary, but it is suspicious Mario stopped in the middle of this seduction tip to assure us there's nothing about the "anterior fornix erotic zone" in the dictionary. And say you're this author's intended audience, unfamiliar with the landscape of a vagina but eager to find new frontiers to poke. Is "somewhere after point g you'll find a smooth surface" enough information to find it? This is like giving someone directions to your house by saying, "not the ocean, the place I masturbate in bathtub."

Mario seems to be completely out of his depth when it comes to "knowing what sex is" or "describing the thing he thinks is sex in English," but with "GENTLY SHELLING" he somehow landed on the perfect way to describe what we used to call "popping boobs out of a bra." Now you can tell sexy ladies, "I don't know how to uncrab this bra, so let's gently shell those geoducks instead."

Hiss in her ear, "I have the Wikipedia page for 'human vagina' bookmarked, but haven't read the whole thing yet."

The crotch area between the anus and vagina was never given a name, and it is weak to all attack types.

This is the longest entry in the book and seems to be instructions on how to use your nipple fingers to perform CPR on a perineum that took in too much wetness. Wait, did he say perineum? He didn't know the name for that 17 pages ago. Are we watching him learn about the human pelvis in real time?

Mario's plan here seems to be kidnapping her (which means taking her so she can't go to a different place) and hoping her body screws up and releases pleasure chemicals instead of fear chemicals. And if she's still not released from her atavistic duty to defend herself he's going to scream all four medical sectors of the labia to demonstrate his expertise. "The vulva minora! Alterior milk storage! The left nipples! The citation needed!"

Well, yeah. I mean... Mario, this is how a frustrated zookeeper would explain sex to a panda. This is, without exaggeration, the simplest definition of what we're doing here. You've got me creating erotic milk baths and making balloon animals out of her birth canal and suddenly you're reading me a fifth grade textbook on the reproductive cycle? The only way this sex advice could be more basic would be if Mario just typed, "MORE OR LESS THE GROIN."

Ha ha hahahahaha! Yes! Exactly like that, Mario! GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND. GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND!

Move my lips on the inside of my legs? Mario, get ready to fire off the joke cannon, because if I could get my mouth around my own ankles, and here's where I want you to shoot that joke cannon: I wouldn't need all these wet ladies!

Girl, you deserve someone who will chew on your feet. Move on from the boys who let your toes remain in contact with one another and get with a man who will spread them apart with his fingers. At the risk of drenching your panties, put your feet between my gnashing teeth. Ha ha ha I still can't believe an entire page of this guy's book was only the sentence GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND. All by itself, GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND, with a whole page of white space underneath it. It's impossible. Fucking impossible.

All wetness advice is subjective, but if you think it's a good idea to point to a woman's body and make up a story about how you poked your ex-girlfriend in the same spot, you're supernaturally incapable of relationships. This feels like a desperate cover story you'd use if a girl asked you why the fuck you're covering her taint in aromatic milk and giving it CPR. Seriously, I've never seen advice this bad. "Show on my body how you seduced other women- you can make it up!?" Like I'm going to say, "If you want to get really horny, let me show you on your feet where I bit Michelle Obama's piano teacher."

I don't like how Mario only knows about 50 words in this language and 36 of them are weirdly specific names for body parts. Did he learn English from a butcher's chart of human meat cuts?

Try to have sex with her on an electric chair, but if you can't work it out, an elevator is pretty much the same thing. If you're the author of this book, "sex" is when two people on a train care about each other and one of them strokes a nipple finger along the mucous canal of the perineum.

Not everything has to make sense. Flip her upside down and thrash against her jeans with your mouth. Whatever you're going for, it's not going to work! She'll love it! "Aaah! Pointless!" she'll scream.

I can't stress enough how unusual this one is. In a book like this you expect a good mix of adventurous sex acts and saccharine romantic advice, but Mario went with 100 mostly wrong labia maps and one "DANCE TANGO WITH ME IN THE GARDEN." I just thought you'd like to enjoy this sweet little moment before we move on to more confusing and disgusting physical acts.

Yes, exactly like this, Mario. How did you screw this up? Am I jamming her finger in her own butt or mine? Because I feel like there are a lot of good reasons to do neither.

Mario is such a complete lover he can't tell where he ends and his lover begins. To him, the words "my" and "your" are no different. Which is great for her moistness, but it makes his instructions on where to put this lady's leg or which hands go in which butt really hard to decipher.

Never enter a woman's home without throwing a few head fakes. Pull up after a single dribble and just drain the jumper in her face. This bitch can't guard you. And she should know that before you make love.

Put the penis all the way in and stop? Then lay on her while she dreams of muscular bricklayers? It's worth a shot, I guess.

UPDATE 3/30/21: Something didn't seem right.

UPDATE 4/2/21: I think I'm getting the hang of it.

UPDATE 4/4/21: This is my new go-to move.

"Yes! Yes! Fuck me like I'm one of your antique combination locks!"

How did Mario get like this? It's like he found a sex doll in an escape room and he's just trying shit.

It's fun to remember this is a book about making women wet. And 1% of it is dedicated to exactly this advice: the nice thing about tiny dicks is you can put them in butts. What made you include this aggressively worthless advice, Mario? What, if anything, made you stop the seduction techniques to list the one ways small penises are actually good?

If she needs cheering up, a special self-esteem boosting treat for her might be porking her sternum. Women are at their most seduced and happy when you show them their tits gave you a boner and you keep it away from their erogenous zones.

Here's the secret every woman wants you to know, fellas: Strap on a second penis and no further instructions.

Be careful. Depending on your county's restrictions, some restaurants don't allow tearing off your date's panties against her will.

"Slip my tampon?" Wait, am I inserting one of her tampons or pulling hers out? Am I overthinking it? If I say the words "LET ME SLIP YOUR TAMPON," do all menstruating women know what I mean? See, this is why you should write sex books in languages you speak and only after you've had sex at least one time.

Sometimes Mario gives very, very specific advice like finding a woman with a broken washing machine and groping the top half of her boobs while she's cleaning your shirt. And other times he'll tell you GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND.

Sometimes Mario tells you, "GENERALLY PUBIC MOUND," and other times he's all, "find an empty car on a Polish train and punch a kneeling woman's face with your penis." You never know what to expect! He might say something universally helpful like, "THE MONS VULVAR IS A MYSTERY SOLVED ONLY WITH 12 SUCKS AND 3 BITES," or he might blurt out some childlike misunderstanding of sex like, "LADIES LOVE IT WHEN YOU COMB THEIR PUBIC HAIR."

Ha ha ha you are a goddamn madman, Mario! Ha ha he had to have been so excited when he realized he only had eleven sex tips to go and he hadn't used "comb her pubic mound hair" yet.

It's glorious. Look upon the words of Mario and weep. Hark, as it bursts with your own cold fingers being pushed in with all your lover's passions, may the Polish sun set on your full vagina, the extra one you created in the musky trough of your compressed breasts.

Eat those tits! Eat those tits! Ha ha I've completely lost my mind. This fucking lunatic is just mashing body parts into holes. Just experimentally squeezing and stretching erogenous zones like Gary Busey shopping for dog toys.

Mario's right. She's going to love this.

Mario's right again. If you give a good urethra massage the Richter scale will not be spread over her body. It will be spread over her heart.

So I lick the womb while I pull the vagina skin? Are you sure you're holding that reproductive chart the right way, Mario? The one you're seeing for the first time right now as you write your sex book?

Have fun with it! Press her mons pubis against a newspaper to copy your favorite comic strips!

"Drop an ice cube on her pussy like a time bomb. Is that something? Mom? Mom! How do you spell clitoris? No, mom, it's for a boo-- yes, a milk would be nice, thank you." - Mario Corelli

I think we can all agree this is getting dangerous. The least experienced lover in Poland has transcribed random words from vibrator safety warnings to trick the desperately lonely out of $5.99. It's obviously moot since they won't ever get near one, but let's not encourage those people to jab two hands worth of fingers into anyone's vagina.

Oh good, this one seems safe. I'm always worried he's going to suddenly say something nuts like "GATHER UP ALL OF MY VAGINA'S MANY PARTS IN YOUR TEETH AND BITE."

Yes. Like this, Mario.

Hold on, this isn't sex. This girl is tricking me into learning Karate.

"Squash my tits like you're making pizza. I'll forgive you if you do it wrong. Or right. Either way, I'm going to need to forgive you."

"When you squeeze boobs, do it unpredictably. Try to imagine a cantaloupe you are going to eat and another you're here to kill. And while on the subject of squeezing boobs, no woman actually wants the right to vote."

Oh no, wait. What happened.

Wait, absolutely not. Stop.

W-what happened? She's licking her own breast warts now? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Hold on, I think I know what this is. The Polish word for "nipple" must translate to "wart," right? This is all some kind of gross misunderstanding.

So... so Mario knows the word for nipples? Those were really warts!? THOSE WERE REALLY WARTS!

Mario's inability to distinguish between first and second person pronouns makes it sound like we're supposed to roll her into a ball and paw at her face until her cervix dilates.

Finally, he's specifying whose whats I'm supposed to suck on. Motorboat my breasts, meaning her breasts... unless wait. Some of this book is written in the first person. Could he mean his breasts? He wouldn't have made a special mention of the breast's owners if they were the woman's, right? With all the squeezing, warts, and general mystery surrounding boobs, maybe we should go back to the simplicity of biting bundled clusters of vaginal parts. Sorry for making you this horny, ladies.

This is my favorite book. There is no better way to describe the act of making love or being loved than this, comb my hair and I will feel the heat and the need for mechanical stimuli in my crotch. It's the perfect one to end on. See you later!

...

Okay, one more.

Just put my whole mouth in yours, you beast. Kiss me like the bigger fish in a battle for fish tank dominance.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. We have to stop. That was the last one. Unless I find one that's nothing more than confusing instructions on how to eat yogurt out of her ass. Bye!

Goddamnit, Mario.