~The Witcher: Jaskier X Listener NSFW: Flexible~ {Patreon Exclusive}

I mean, how can one really bend themselves into a position like that?

Contains: Kissing, Dirty Talk, Silly Sexual Positions, Riding Position, Full Nelson Position, Bareback, Creampie, Messy Orgasm, Slight Control Kink, Slight Bondage Kink (being held in a certain position), Petnames (My Dear, Darling)

When thinking about how I wanted to implement this prompt with Jaskier, I thought, "How could I make an appropriately silly joke Jaskier had done and then evolve it into serious and sexual, while also relating to the weeping willow prompt" and then my brain came up with "flexible" and then it all went down hill from there. No but seriously, if you look at some of the positions that are in the Kama Sutra, you really wonder how in the hell people contort themselves that way lol. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this silly sexy audio!

NOTE: This is one of the NSFW Exclusives for March 2022. Thank you for your patience!

~Audio Transcript Below~

Jaskier: You will absolutely not believe what I found in that little shop 'round the corner......

Oh yeah, the owner claimed that it was a book of 'ancient fertility rituals', probably thinking I was a proper bell-end who didn't know any better......

This, my Dear, is nothing more than a book of ridiculous sexual positions that some servant stole from some rich pompous fuck who couldn't last three minutes inside his wife and always leaves her dreadfully unsatisfied.

It claims to spice up people's sex lives and help maintain ones love life, but honestly, anyone who can configure themselves into these positions must defy all laws of nature with their flexibility.

*pause*

Oh, I'm sorry, you misunderstand, I didn't spend any money on this.......

*pause*

*with a smile* I did say found.....didn't I? 

Oh, he won't miss this little book, I'm sure that he paid next to nothing for it anyways, besides, he was trying to sell it for a fortune.......

*  pause*

Well.....I thought it would be an amusing prospect to look through it and see some of the genuinely ridiculous positions in it. Good for a laugh, while we wait for Geralt to be done doing his big monster hunting.....

I figure this is better than trying to find something else to stave off the complete and utter boredom that comes with waiting for Geralt to finish a job, and besides, you both always warn against me getting into trouble, so~

*pause*

Oh please, stealing a little book off of a merchant with those prices? Hardly getting into trouble. As I said, he probably won't even realize it's gone until we're already out of town......

So, look at these with me?

*hums a laugh* Of course, I promise you, I almost lost my mind while I was thumbing through it in the shop, there are some that are mind blowing.......

And not in the sexy way, in the, "how in the name of the gods could you even get your body to contort that way, let alone have sex that way."

Here, I'll run my thumb across the pages, you tell me when to stop, and we'll look there, alright? A sort of, 'Choose Your Own Adventure"

*pause*

Except instead of adventures it's ridiculous sexual positions......which....to be fair, can be an adventure all on it's own--*chuckles*

*pages flutter*

Alright, your destined sexual position is~

*chuckles*

The....peg?

*laughs* How in the world? Not only would the person getting penetrated's knees be up to their ears, you would have a drastically increased likelihood of getting kicked right in the face!

The best trophy for sex is not a black eye waiting to happen!

Perhaps some would like the danger, but I for one would have to pass......

*pause*

Here, now you flip through the pages and I'll tell you when to stop, alright?

*flutter pages*

Stop, there!

*bark of laughter*

Are you joking!?

*in between laughter*

So what, you're supposed to just----to just find a stool and squat down on it, and hope to the gods that you can calibrate what needs to go where, and maintain that balance??

*laughing*

Oh gods, you're right, the receiver doesn't even have their hands out, ready to catch themselves if they fall.........they'll break their bloody nose that way, oh gods! *laughing*

S-see? I told you--I told you this is ridiculous.......and it's a whole book of things like this!

Come on, give it here, it's your turn agai~

Alright.......

*flutters pages*

Alright, what have we got?

*sharp laugh*

This is like the last one! What is it with this book and making the receiver maintain a circus balancing act!

I for one would love to maintain the use of my legs---the wheelbarrow? Of course it's called the wheelbarrow, Bloody Hell.......

That would be murder on the receiver's arms too! And either partner would have to have the sheer strength of an athlete to be able to accomplish this--

*chokes on a laugh* Sure Geralt might be able to swing it, but I think he's got better ways to fuck someone without looking at their face, gods~

*laughing*

Alright, alright, my turn again......here, go ahead.........

*page flutters*

Stop!

*pause*

What.....what is it?

Come on now, it must be really strange if you're looking like you're trying to figure out what's happening, go on, show me......

*long pause*

*swallows* Oh...I....I see what you mean........

That....I mean.....that is rather a tame one, isn't it?

Not all of them are guaranteed to be.....as ridiculous......

Pulling the knees back that far though......would that be comfortable? A....a hold like that? *weakly laughs*

I mean, the penetrator wrapping their arms around their partner’s legs like that……and…..and then holding them there with a grip….to the back of the head?

*swallows*

*pause*

*gasps softly* I--Dear……you…….

You are? *clears throat* Flexible…..I mean……

*moans softly*

Yes…….I have gotten quite hard…..haven’t I…….?

*kiss*

*soft panting*

I mean……I’m up for it if you are……..you’re the one who’s going to be bent in half……..

*soft kiss*

*shuddering breath*

Of course…….

*Fades Out*

*Fades In*

You’re sure you’re up for trying this? Know that I won’t fault you for having second thoughts……*moans softly*

Oh…….*shudders* You thought you’d ride me for a bit……get us both…..warmed up?

Gods……..You feel exquisite as always My Dear………

*soft moaning and panting*

You know---there’s no shame in just doing this……because…..--oh--it’s also really quite doing it for me…….having you ride luxuriously on top of me…….as if I’m a stallion only for your pleasure---

*hisses* Ouch! Why’d you pinch me!?

*pause*

Fine, I won’t call myself a stallion anymore, but I stand by the metaphor…….

*shifts*

Truly though, you look and feel magnificent in equal measures……and you cannot fault me for that…….

*soft kiss*

*chuckles* I am being serious……..

*moans softly*

Oh…….we don’t have to try a silly position we saw in a book just because we saw it and it turned us on…….I don’t want either of us hurt, especially you with how you’d have to position yourself……

*soft whump*

Oof~

*moaning*

Ah--seems I’ve touched a nerve….I apologize, my Dear….I--

*harsh moan*

Oh---gods…..

*panting and moaning*

*through pants and moans*

Yes…..yes I suppose I understand……it’s…..it’s not that I think that you can’t....per say….I simply---

*moans*

*panting*

Right……right……that---oh….that makes sense…….

It is rather rude, to not allow you to even try……….

*moans*

But that also might be my cock talking…….

*moans*

T-then follow it…..w-we shall…….

*panting*

You are…….dastardly good at that…….gods…….

*shifting*

Alright, from the.....diagram I suppose we shall call it, perhaps it would be best if I scoot more towards the head of the bed.......

And then you straddle my lap facing away........

*shifting*

There we go......

Now perhaps if you lean back, against my chest.........and then.....raise up your legs......

I'll just.......*swallows*.....wrap my arms underneath them…..and then……..

*moans softly*

Oh…..look at you……..

You are.....quite exposed, my Dear......

It's.......*moans* quite.....stimulating.......

*panting*

So now, I suppose before we get into the final positioning I........*moans*

O-oh! Darling.......*groans softly*

Took me.....so well......s-slid....right in......

*soft panting*

A-Alright now........lean your head--*swallows*--forward a bit......?

I'll lock my hands behind it.........

And now.....lean you back just a little........

*moans* Oh.....t-this position.......it makes you.....t-tighter inside.......

*almost wheezes* A-are....are you alright?

R-remember....there's no shame in changing positions.....if this---*moans*--doesn't work for you........

*panting*

I'd want both of us to feel pleasure, not just---*sharply moans*

Darling, d-don't clench....oh--fuck~

*panting*

Right, yes......not giving up before we start........

So I suppose I'll just......

*thrusting sounds*

*moans and soft panting*

Ah~ Yes......oh this......this is.......oh~

*panting*

It sort of.....forces me to be......rough with you....doesn't it.....if we want to get anywhere w-with......thrust.......movement......*moans*

Ah......y-you.....you like it?

*moans*

Yes....harder......yes........

*moans* You're so flexible.....fuck.........

*harder moaning and panting*

Haaaaa~ That's it......oh.....right there....that's the spot isn't it?

Oh this.....this position......you are......sort of--*swallows*-- at my mercy....aren't you? I'm fucking into you.....and you---oh~--take what you're given~

*moaning and panting*

Oh......and--ah!--by the sound of it......it forces my cock.....right into that perfect spot inside you........*shuddering moan*

Yes.....more.......faster.....I......just let me---

*shifts*

*panting* I believe I will get more leverage this way........are you alright still--?

*moans* Right....yes.....good.....

*harsher pants and moaning*

Gods.....you're so tight this way.....b-but also not at the same time....it's like.....oh this position......is perfect......for my cock to spear into you......oh where it feels the best for both of us........

It sounds.....oh....and looks so indecent.....but it's.....oh it's good.......

*harsh moans*

Oh it's so good.....makes me want......oh~ to drive as hard as I can into you.....oh.....and climax deep, deep inside~

*hisses* Oh~ tight.......

*panting*

D-did you.....did you almost come?

*panting*

I.....oh~ That.....that is........

*harsh moaning and panting*

Ah~ C-can you.....can you reach yourself.....in this position?

*moans*

Touch....touch yourself......come hard.....I want us to both come hard........take the pleasure..........as it's given--Oh~

*hard panting and moaning*

Oh~ Oh~ Darling......close....getting close~!

*harsh panting*

Yes, yes, yes~

*Harsh gasps and groans*

Haaaaahhhnnnn~

*panting*

Oh......Darling....that~

Such a messy orgasm........*moans* so good..........

*panting*

*panting slows*

*shifts*

*moans softly*

Alright, here are your legs back....there we go........

*shifting*

*long pause*

I--*laughs*

Well....that was......that was something....wasn't it?

*pause*

Perhaps that book isn't as stupid and impractical as we thought.....

*laughs*

But seriously.....you.....your flexibility.....are you alright?

*pause*

Oh, no, I definitely wouldn't expect anyone to be able to do that position with any regularity, but the fact that you can do it at all is--*swallows*--well.....how hard I climaxed should be testament to how much I enjoyed it, I think.......

*pause*

And you....enjoyed how it felt like you had....no choice but to take it.......and the angle of my prick inside you......*clears throat*---duly noted........

As is the…..*swallow* Copious amounts of…..fluid…..you’ve left on the bedspread…….

*chuckles* I suppose that is at least partially my fault as well……

*hums*

*long pause*

Well.....that's certainly one way to pass the time waiting for Geralt..........

*pause*

Perhaps.....there are less impractical positions in this book than I originally thought.......

I mean, it would be a shame if we didn't check, don't you think? Besides, if we don't find any more.....surely we'll still get a good laugh out of the outrageous ones.......

What do you say?

*pause*

Then it's your turn, my Dear~

*fluttering pages*