~Marvel: Bucky Barnes X Listener SFW: Vulnerable~ {Patreon Exclusive}

You walk in on Bucky working out, but see, for perhaps the first time in full clarity, the breadth of what he's been through, and the scars they left behind.

Contains: PTSD, Scars, Mentions of Trauma and Mental Illness, Soft Confessions, Discussion of Past Trauma, Russian

When I was thinking about another way to interpret/incorporate the theme of "nude" for the second SFW audio this month, I really came upon the idea of nude as in naked and open with emotions and feelings, so hopefully this kind of switch up/interpretation of the theme makes sense lol.

~Audio Transcript Below~

Bucky: *punching sounds and grunts*

*harsh punch and grunt*

*pause*

*gasp* 

Иисус Христос! (Iisus Khristos) {Jesus Christ!}

*panting*

That.....was not a very smart thing for you to have done......What were you thinking, "Oh, I know, I'll surprise the Ex-Russian Assassin while his guard is slightly down, that'll surely end well."

*softer panting*

*sighs* I'm sorry.....that was....rude of me.....

You did.....you did surprise me.......

Yeah, I guess I....was relaxed enough to have my guard down.....so.....

That.....that still isn't---you shouldn't have......I.....I don't know what I would have done if I had hurt you.....is all......

*pause*

I'm.....going to....put on my shirt......

You said....you mentioned.....*sighs*

I'm not overly fond of people......looking at the scars.......

*pause*

There are a lot of them, as you've seen and.....they don't bring up a lot of good happy memories, if I'm honest.

*pause*

There are a few.....from....before......but they weren't happy either.....

*sighs and growls slightly* Проклятье (Proklyat'ye) {goddamnit}

Come here.....sit....if you want......

*pause*

We're gonna talk about it.........

My....counselor has been talking to me about working through the trauma and trying to pinpoint what exactly I can remember, and what I can't, and why that is, and......we're doing it a little at a time and it......as loathe as I am to admit sometimes....it is helping....differentiate and......well.....I also want.....to be able to be seen....to have people.....touch them.....touch me.....without my brain triggering completely.....

*pause*

I'm able to recognize for the most part when things are turning South now so.....can you......can you please trust me with this?

As much as I......appreciate the concern and everything.....I don't want to be coddled.....I don't want to be treated like I'm made of glass.......

*pause*

Thank you.....for understanding........you'd be surprised how hard that is to even find nowadays.....

*deep sigh*

Ok....so......the....scars.......obviously the worst one is.....this one.......the ones around it........

*pause*

*softly*

Yes.....those are..........finger.....marks........

It took......several times or more for me to.....not reject the arm........and even after.....there were times where I would sort of.....snap out of whatever brainwash they had on me and....try to remove it.......

That's one of the things that......I think made them realize....I couldn't be out of storage for too long......with their own super soldier cocktail I.......my brain is healing.......from the stresses of the brainwashing.....and I think it was doing it back then too....so they.....finally came up with a technique that made it so I wouldn't heal as much. Send me out on a mission, bring me back quickly.....zap my brain......then freeze me up.......

They also......rigged the arm up to trigger a kill switch in me if it was removed......also to explode......couldn't let their precious tech go........

*pause*

My counselor mentioned that.....despite the fact that I've went through this trauma.......sometimes it's actually quite easy to talk about it........because.......it's almost as if your brain is telling you that it happened to someone else.....the memories are so clear sometimes so it---it feels like you're watching them, instead of having lived them......

A lot of these....I don't remember.......and without the painful repercussions of an injury.......with being a super soldier....there's no reason to remember. Pain was something that the Asset was well acquainted with, but had no care or real reaction for unless it impeded the mission.....

*sighs roughly and mutters* Always the goddamn mission.....

*pause*

Touch? Well.....you can......try.....but....I...I don't know.....I don't want to.....hurt you......

But--if there was.....anyone....that I think....wouldn't trigger anything....I......trust you to.....and well....Steve but.....*chuckles wistfully* I'm not exactly sweet on Steve.......

*pause*

Just.....slowly.......gentle.....I've found that.....gentle works better.......

They were never gentle with me......it helps....differentiate.....

*chuckles wryly* I know I said I didn't want to be treated like I was made of glass.....but I think that that's....different....than gentleness.....I don't mind that so much.....especially in this situation.....

*breathing deeply and intentionally*

It......doesn't feel......some parts? There's so much.....scar tissue on some that.....that.....it's almost like......the muscles underneath feel pressure sensation but....the skin doesn't? And--*gasp*---it's ok--there are others.....like that.....that are hyper sensitive sometimes.......I think it's.....the healing factor.....some of the doctors.....Shuri...they do too......

*more intentional breathing*

*mumbling repeatedly* Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038......

It's a......mantra...that I used.....to try to......keep myself.....to remember.......I don't use it as much as I used to.....in fact.....I forgot it for a long while....but now....it helps.....ground me.......

I haven't used it.......in awhile.....I just.....I want to be....as safe as possible......

The big scars they.....are.....a blessing....and a curse I think.......they....they remind me how much I fought.....but.......in the end....I still succumbed....I still....my counselor doesn't want me to say, 'failed', but it's hard not to. 

I've done a lot of bad things.......and I can only imagine how many more there really are, simply because I don't remember them.......

The arm is.....better now.....not great....but....I can live with it.....now that it's no longer Hydra's tech in me....I can look at it and touch it and use it without getting the....urge to claw it off of me......

The rest.....it just......looks like a battlefield.....too many scars, and not many I remember, or those I do are just a remembered blur of pain and nothing else. I've been shot, shocked, burned, dragged, kicked, punched, cut.....anything you can really think of......

And for all the scars that I have that people can see.......they don't even compare to the ones I have that they can't......

Those are the ones I'm working on healing now......the ones that people can't see.....the ones that don't have a physical manifestation (whoops I did not say that lol)....the ones I can't just sew up and put a bandage on......

I'd take a missing arm any day....if it meant I could heal from them......

*pause*

Yeah....I know.....I'm never going to be the man I was before the fall....before the war.....I know that now.......it's not something that I'm wistful for anymore. I just......don't want to be afraid of hurting someone because they surprised me. I don't want to have the nightmares......the flashbacks.....the unconscious reactions....the triggers......I want to be done with all that......but I recognize now that......all this is part of the healing......

What happened to me was.....tragic....traumatic.....and I'll never be the same because of it. I've accepted that.....I was worried.....for a long time that no one would want me because of it....the fact that I couldn't be the James Buchanan Barnes that everyone remembered.....but it's better now.......

I have more....trust in myself.....and.....trust....in those around me......

I have you to partially thank for that......

It's still hard.....every day is a struggle.....and sometimes my progress ebbs and flows.....but I am getting better......and.....that's given me a hope I----I didn't allow myself to have for a while......

Thank you.....I'm sorry if this was......dark.....or traumatic or........not good in any way......but.....it.....helped....I think......I don't know if I'm going to feel the same way tomorrow but......right now.....I feel better......there's a.....lightness in my chest.....and.....I think you're responsible.......so thank you.......I.....I don't think I can ever explain how.......thankful I am.....to have you......